Previously, on Pagan Idol:
two weeks to go
week zero
week one
week two
week three
week four


WGMY 104.1
week five


...from a moving truck. Meanwhile honorary patron April Alice Apple opens the ninth annual Cult Film Festival at Sixways Lumiere. Screenings include 1951 gem Death Wears Three Noses, innovative mashup A Muppet Clockwork Orange and grossly misconceived Sidney Poitier vehicle Kiss My Asteroid. Later in the week, a rare showing of unnecessary sequel A Bridge Too Far 2: A Bridge Too Further. Stacey.

STACEY: That was Dan with the movie roundup. It’s eight-seventeen and this is WGMY, your station for news and comment. With me yet again is Haqqisaqq, Inuit god of vengeance and public relations.

HAQ: Good morning.

STACEY: So, Haqqisaqq. Like an ever-dwindling number of people I tuned in for the fifth episode of reality show Pagan Idol.

HAQ: Naturally.

STACEY: Only to find it replaced in the schedule by an hour-long block of kitchenware infomercials. That’s got to be bad news.

HAQ: On the contrary. The Inuit people, with their traditionally meat-heavy diet, can find it very difficult to get their recommended daily intake of vitamin C. Sharon Gless, her tangerines and her amazing wipe-clean Juicematic 4000 brought a timely message of hope. And no pips. I’ve ordered two.

STACEY: Let me put that another way. This run of Pagan Idol, the biggest prize on television, Channel Nine’s top-rated show for the past three seasons, has been dumped from its regular timeslot after just four episodes. What does that say for the Official Inuit Pantheon’s handling of the series?

HAQ: I think this decision just demonstrates Channel Nine’s enormous confidence in the format. It’s a sign of the show’s strong performance that the network feels able to move it around the schedules like this. Pagan Idol is sure to carry a loyal audience to its new timeslot.

STACEY: So you’ve been granted a stay of execution. Still in primetime?

HAQ: We welcome the new midnight slot; it allows the show much more freedom. We’ll be able to explore issues and aspects of pagan godhood that an early-evening show might have to skirt around. After all, pushing boundaries is what Pagan Idol is all about. You’ll see what I mean in Thursday’s double-length live special.

STACEY: Double-length.

HAQ: That’s right, Stacey. As a thankyou to our fans -

STACEY: As a desperate attempt to generate some positive buzz?

HAQ: As a thankyou to our fans -

STACEY: As a last throw of the dice?

HAQ: As a thankyou to our fans, the next episode will be a live double-header. Two big challenges. Huge challenges. Thursday at midnight, and this one will be spectacular. Spec-tac-u-lar.

STACEY: I’m sure the handful of insomniacs watching will agree. But while you’re here, Haqqisaqq, there’s something else I’d like to talk about.

HAQ: Look, I only posed for those photographs as a favour to a friend; it was a long time ago, we were at art school, and to have them resurface now -
    
STACEY: Intriguing. But I actually want to ask you about Sedna.

HAQ: Sedna?

STACEY: Sedna. Inuit goddess of the underworld, of tides and the creatures of the sea. You may have heard of her.

HAQ: Sedna. Of course.

STACEY: As the best-known and most powerful Inuit goddess her opinion must count for a lot within the pantheon.

HAQ: Sedna is a deity of very long service, and we all have the greatest respect for her.

STACEY: Yet she’s so far been conspicuous by her absence from the show. No surprise in itself – Sedna is notoriously grim and asocial, and her appearances in any context are few and far between. But it’s done nothing to quell those rumours.

HAQ: I don’t comment on rumours, Stacey.

STACEY: Very persistent rumours that your mightiest goddess has grave concerns about the present policies of the Official Inuit Pantheon’s Guiding Council.

HAQ: Nor would I presume to make any statement on Sedna’s behalf.

STACEY: All that being the case, the lead story in today’s Ultima Thule Illuminator makes very interesting reading.

HAQ: Nor can I be expected to comment on a story I haven’t seen.

STACEY: Don’t worry, I’ve got a copy right here. It seems that brooding Sedna last week felt sufficiently moved to leave the chill of her gloomy undersea cavern and call and address an Extraordinary General Meeting of the Inuit Pantheon. Were you there?

HAQ: Despite the name, an Extraordinary Meeting is not such a rare event. As recently as -

STACEY: Were you there?

HAQ: As a member of the Guiding Council my presence is required at any EGM. With respect, Stacey, what internal matters may or may not have been discussed at such a meeting is not what I’m here to talk about, because -

STACEY: According to this article, Sedna accused the self-described progressives of “rejecting millennia of tradition.” She said that the Guiding Council, by actively seeking publicity in the Warmer World, risked profaning the most sacred Inuit ritual and heritage. The goddess singled out -

HAQ: Stacey, Stacey, Stacey. I must stop you there. This is a gross misreading of the situation. It is within the rights of any Inuit deity to raise matters before the Council, and Sedna may have a reputation for robust exchanging of opinion, but to represent proceedings in this way is -

STACEY: Robust is right; one source calls it an “apocalyptic rant”.

HAQ: Ridiculous.

STACEY: Okay then. What’s your response to claims that Sedna, goddess of serious old-school things, has been steadily marginalised in recent years by the appointment of young deities with trendy or trivial remits?

HAQ: Pantheons have always evolved to match society’s needs.

STACEY: Do we really need a goddess of caramel-coated popcorn?

HAQ: I have nothing but respect for what Qraaqqarjaaqq has achieved in such a short time. Look, Stacey, the press really are reading far too much into this scurrilous tittle-tattle. You do no-one any favours by contributing to the mischievous inflation of a non-story. We need to focus on the future, all of us, and particularly on the upcoming Pagan Idol Live Special, Thursday at midnight on Channel Nine.

STACEY: In the interests of balance I should mention that we did approach Sedna for a comment, but as yet have received no response. It’s all gone quiet there. Too quiet?

HAQ: To be honest, “too quiet” is pretty much Sedna’s default state.

STACEY: Haqqisaqq, thanks. Haq will be back later in the week to discuss that double-header. Right now, Dan has the weather.

DAN: The big picture shows two areas of low pressure converging over the north Atlantic. We can expect squalls and heavy precipitation...

FADE TO STATIC

Things are taking a grim turn! Well, maybe not so grim... I mean, with DVRs one could argue that time slots don't really matter all that much.

Oh, and there's that whole fall out with Sedna. But hey... drama is good for ratings!

Fun as always, and I enjoyed the movie segment to open things! Looking forward to how the 2 hour special goes.

That's true, though it could still pose a problem for shows relying on a live phone-vote. Not that Pagan Idol seems likely ever to make it that far.