Previously, on Pagan Idol:
two weeks to go
week zero
week one
week two


WGMY 104.1
week three

...Beltway is slow in both directions following an accident at Marina. On the Metro, Green Line is suspended while an intense but poorly-lit superbattle rages on the rails between Third Avenue station and City Hall interchange. Parodopolis Sound Ferries report normal service on all routes. That's the travel. Stacey.

STACEY: Thanks Dan. It's eight-seventeen and this is WGMY, serving the Parodopolis Sound area with news, culture and comment. As in previous years, we've been following reality show Pagan Idol; I'm joined again by Haqqisaqq, Inuit god of vengeance and public relations.

HAQ: Good morning.

STACEY: Haqqisaqq, this week's episode of Pagan Idol drew heavily on ancient Inuit myths.

HAQ: Indeed. The Official Inuit Pantheon is the High Arctic's leading provider of mythological solutions. We are very proud of that position. In this episode, the candidates for godhood explored some of our best-known stories in order to better understand the skills and qualities such a role would demand.

STACEY: All of the challenges, broadcast live from the great Ice Palace, involved re-enacting key moments in tales of the Inuit gods. The eleven remaining contestants drew their tasks by lot. First up before the cameras was the popular TJ, prospective god of unicycles. His challenge was to re-enact a scene from the story of Blaaqqjaaqq, god of online gambling.

HAQ: As with many gods, the infant Blaaqqjaaqq was raised by animals. He gained his famous ability to smell impending misfortune after being suckled by the Caribou of Happenstance.

STACEY: I'm sure his nostrils were twitching as TJ pedalled onto the stage in a romper suit.

HAQ: TJ was told several times – you always approach a caribou from the side, never the back. The noise of his unicycle probably spooked her.

STACEY: Though visibly shaken from that fearsome hoof to the solar plexus, TJ did manage to snuggle himself in and take a few mouthfuls. His expression said it all.

HAQ: It's an acquired taste, for sure. But taking people beyond their comfort zone is what Pagan Idol is all about.

STACEY: It certainly was for our Gothametropolis homegirl Hope, called to take the challenge of Stiqqilbaqq, god of fishing.

HAQ: One of my favourite stories! Adrift in his kayak, miles from land and without his nets, Stiqqilbaqq was close to starving. The Cormorant of Mercy saw him from on high, took pity on him, and freely gave herself up such that he might eat and regain his strength for the long paddle home.

STACEY: Hope was here required to wring the neck of a somewhat less willing cormorant and eat as much of it as possible within her two minute time-limit. Raw, and without cutlery. What was your impression?

HAQ: I'll admit I was worried for her. Very slow to get started. I know cormorant can be chewy, but that hesitation didn't go down well with the judges.

STACEY: It was hardly surprising – Hope, candidate goddess of lentils, is an animal rights campaigner and lifelong vegan.

HAQ: That's her choice, and of course we respect that. But no contestant can expect to go far in this show if they remain bound by their own inhibitions, dietary or otherwise. Where would Blaaqqjaaqq be now if he'd whinged about his lactose intolerance?

STACEY: Still, she came through in the end – after judge Sniiqattaaq reminded her about the huge prize at stake, Hope chowed right down with wild abandon.

HAQ: She was awesome.

STACEY: It was a powerful image, Hope gnawing away at the still-twitching bird, her cheeks streaked with tears and gore. It has provoked quite a strong reaction on the WGMY message boards.

HAQ: I don't doubt it. If you want a picture of determination, look no further. All of Gothametropolis York can be very proud of her. Good news from deity boot camp is that she's finally finished coughing up those tickly black feathers.

STACEY: The third challenge was that of Ursos the Overbear.

HAQ: This particular challenge alluded to an ancient Inuit story -

STACEY: You're talking about the legend of Chiiptriqq, god of cunning, whom Wikipedia tells me “muzzled the fearsome Overbear, whose hide no weapon could pierce, by disguising himself as a seal carcass and slipping a magical thread around the beast's mighty jaws as it came to scavenge”.

HAQ: It’s a tale of bravery and guile, two traits highly valued by the Inuit. And let me just clear this up: in these cynical days, many shows purporting to present “reality” are in fact scripted or stage-managed or edited in a misleading and manipulative way. The producers of Pagan Idol, in contrast, believe in authenticity above all else. And that explains their decision to use a genuine bear in this challenge.

STACEY: A real live bear.

HAQ: Yes.

STACEY: A real, live, ravenous polar bear.

HAQ: Yes.

STACEY: And the decision to have DaShawn, aspiring Inuit god of tailgate parties, authentically enter its enclosure draped from head to foot in authentic raw seal meat?

HAQ: What we should take from it is that, as DaShawn said himself, the Pagan Idol experience had already been an amazing personal journey. Just moments beforehand, we see him explaining to camera how he had always entertained this ambition of becoming a god, and how through Pagan Idol he was finally living the dream.

STACEY: I’ve replayed it several times, and from the moment he entered the cage I reckon he was living the dream for about 1.7 seconds.

HAQ: So DaShawn went out nobly, in pursuit of what he had always desired, and how many of us can say that? Existentialists would call it a victory.

STACEY: His wife and three young children did seem to be taking it quite philosophically. At least in those last reaction shots before Channel Nine pulled the plug and cut to an episode of Mork and Mindy.

HAQ: Look, there's a greater point to be made here. This incident should remind us that being a pagan deity is ultimately about sacrifice, not just fighting and polygamy. We must acknowledge that sometimes your adherents will sacrifice things to you; at other times, well, you've just got to take it on the chin.

STACEY: Or get eaten.

HAQ: Yes.

STACEY: By a bear.

HAQ: Occasionally, yes.

STACEY: On live network television. Whose idea was this?

HAQ: With investigations at this early stage it's really not appropriate for me to comment on the specifics of the, er...

STACEY: Of the father of three getting eaten by a bear.

HAQ: Of the incident.

STACEY: Haqqisaqq, thank you. Dan has the weather.

DAN: That north wind is a-blowin', so if you're out and about today I guess you'll want a scarf...

FADE TO STATIC

Fun as always, right up until someone gets eaten. Or some poor bird. Either way... inventive mythology, and damn fun hearing about the contestants' attempts to live up to them!

Looking forward to the next update!

It strikes me that Dan maybe onto something.