WGMY 104.1
week one

...still experiencing delays after fog grounded flights out of GMY for more than five hours last night. Airport staff hope to clear the backlog over the course of the day. Inter-city bus routes to Goth Haven are operating a reduced timetable due to heavy snowfall. On the Metro, Green Line is running a Sunday service as management continue to drag their feet over adopting the Gregorian calendar. That's the travel.

STACEY: Thanks Dan. It’s eight-seventeen. Saturday night saw the much-anticipated return of reality show Pagan Idol, with this year’s contestants vying for a place in the Official Inuit Pantheon. Last week we heard from Haqqisaqq, Inuit god of vengeance and public relations. He joins us once again to discuss the season premiere.

HAQ: Good morning. Lovely to be here.

STACEY: The opening show was certainly a glitzy affair, up there in the receding ice of the far north.

HAQ: Yes, what a show! What a show. I said the Ice Palace of Nuqqliqqmaqqpaqq would be a spectacular setting, and it didn’t disappoint.

STACEY: After the obligatory audition clips of no-hopers humiliating themselves, we had our first look at the twelve candidates for godhood.

HAQ: The contestants are a diverse and engaging cross-section of the nation. I look forward to learning more about them as we follow their progress towards the ultimate prize.

STACEY: Let me just run through a few of those contestants and their proposed Spheres of Godly Influence. First up was Marisa, candidate goddess of bee-keeping. You have lots of bees in the High Arctic?

HAQ: Not yet. We'll see what impact she can make on that.

STACEY: We met circus skills trainer TJ, aspiring god of unicycles. That popular means of snow-friendly transport.

HAQ: He’s the ladies’ favourite, I’m told. Don’t see it myself.

STACEY: Then came Ernesto, prospective god of Vaseline®, in perhaps the clumsiest and most intrusive product placement I’ve seen in years.

HAQ: Nothing of the sort. He’s just an ordinary joe who happens to be really enthusiastic about the benefits of a quality lipcare product.

STACEY: Next would have been George, prospective god of defeatism, who didn’t bother to turn up.

HAQ: A dark horse there.

STACEY: And in a breathless whirl of self-importance came Brandii, candidate goddess of demanding to be the centre of attention.

HAQ: Yes indeed! And wasn’t she quick out of the blocks?

STACEY: Her volcanic hissy fit about the standard of accommodation at deity boot camp certainly laid down an early marker.

HAQ: Just for the record, Bottombunqq, god of dormitories, assures me that there’s no infestation problem in the contestants’ lodgings.

STACEY: Be that as it may – and forgive my putting this in bald terms – don’t all these rather frivolous Spheres of Godly Influence represent a chance missed? The show could surely have selected more contestants seeking to represent the many serious social, economic and environmental issues faced by the Inuit peoples today.

HAQ: You know, Stacey, I seem to remember very similar criticism being directed at last year’s eventual winner.

STACEY: You’re referring to Steve, Egyptian god of the all-day breakfast.

HAQ: Steve really came through; after a slow start he impressed the judges and the public responded to his warmth and candour. He has been an excellent ambassador, not just for the breakfast community but for the Egyptian pantheon and the pagan sphere in general. This season’s contestants all deserve that same chance to prove themselves at the highest level, and that's what Pagan Idol is all about.

STACEY: So there’s no suggestion of the competition already being weighted in favour of Letitia, aspiring goddess of financial support for traditional handicrafts and sustainable cottage industries.

HAQ: She’s certainly in with a chance. But to be honest, Stacey, it’s counter-productive to look for a favourite at this stage. There are eleven weeks of demanding challenges to come. And whatever the judges have to say, at the end of the day it’s the viewing public who will decide who deserves to stay and who goes home.

STACEY: So the first challenge – what lies in store for the contestants?

HAQ: The Arctic landscape is the most beautiful on Earth, but it is also the harshest. The Inuit people have survived for millennia only by overcoming great hardships, from the intense cold and the treacherous sea-ice to the scarcity of food and the making of tools. The twelve contestants will be learning traditional survival skills as the first step towards an understanding of Inuit culture.

STACEY: So next week will have a survival challenge, followed by the first eviction phone-vote.

HAQ: That’s right. A thrilling challenge as contestants battle the elements. Then their fate is in your hands. Who stays? Who is banished? Pagan Idol, Saturday at 7pm on Channel Nine.

STACEY: We’ll discuss the other contestants after Dan brings us the weather. What have you got for us, Dan?

DAN: That east wind may have seen off the last of this morning’s fog, but looks like it’ll bring in...

FADE TO STATIC

I'm thinking a lot of the contestants could benefit from being put adrift on an ice floe for the challenge. Well, the viewers could benefit, anyway.

This series continues to entertain greatly! Looking forward to more...

If it were up to me, the next big reality show would recruit the usual posse of grasping wannabes, put them on a desert island and simply leave them there. Then show a load of Tom and Jerry in that timeslot instead.