Adventures in Parodyverse: Training Day


    Liu Xi Xian walked into what looked like a large sized gym somewhere within the Lair Mansion.  It was actually one of the mansion’s original four hangar-sized garages - it had wood planks installed over the concrete floor, and tinting and a reinforcing mesh placed over the high, small windows to protect them from impacts.

    There was a reason that room had been converted from a former garage.  Only that kind of solid concrete construction could stand up to the usual Lair Legion training.

    She wore dark blue sweat pants and a blue too-long borrowed tee-shirt that she tied into a knot just above her waist.  Her long hair had been tied into a carefully made long braid.  She had white leather branded sneakers.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hi,”  she greeted Hatman in the otherwise empty gym, and she waved and smiled.  He was wearing his Hatman cap and a cape.  At his feet and all around him were layers of bright blue cushioning mats.

    The setting sun outside cast an orange glow across the ceiling, but at floor level the coloring was drowned out by the pure white from the overhead florescent lighting.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why are you wearing that indoors?”  she asked, indicating the cape.

    Jay Boaz raised an eyebrow and looked behind him.  “I...don’t know.  Habit, I guess.”  He grabbed the cape with one hand, pulled it off, and tossed it so it slid across the floor and landed next to the door.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“So...Yuki told me I was going here for training?”  Liu Xi asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah.”  Jay replied.  “Sorry, it’s just...a little awkward.”

    Liu Xi’s smile disappeared.  “Awkward?  Why?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ve never trained hands-on before with...a girl.”  Hatman replied.

    She pointed out, “You train hands-on with Yuki.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“She’s different.”  Jay explained.  “Yuki is more like...a trained soldier.  You were a civilian--”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“A civilian?”

    The Capped Crusader looked a little embarrassed as he had to explain.  “I was raised never to hit a girl.  Grew up to make an exception for one that’s well-trained in combat.  But you, Liu Xi...you’re just the kind of beautiful, gentle girl I was raised never to harm.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What if I hit you first?”  Liu Xi joked.  “Chiaki’s been teaching me.  It might even hurt.”

    Jay perked up at hearing that.  “Really?  What did she teach you?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Gung Fu,”  Liu Xi responded with a sly smirk.  “Using very efficient body movements to control your own energy.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I...didn’t know she knew that.”  He shrugged.  “Okay, then show me.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not very good, but--”  Liu Xi took a long step forward quickly, planting her feet and projecting her left arm so her open palm landed full-force into Hatman’s chest.  His face wore a look of shock as he stumbled backwards and fell onto his back.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s...really good.”  Hatman panted as he slowly returned to his feet.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Chiaki told me this style complimented my elemental magic best,”  she explained.  “She said someday I will learn how to funnel it and increase its power.”

    Once he caught his breath, Jay said, “I’m not sure I can teach you what Chiaki has been.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I know.”  Liu Xi shrugged.  “Yuki said you could teach me stuff like using the environment around me, and maybe close quarters combat.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That, I can do.”  Hatman smiled.  “Just don’t hit me with that stuff while I’m training you.”

    She laughed.  “See, now that I knocked you down, you don’t have to think I’m so fragile anymore.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I wasn’t ready for it,”  he tried to cover for himself.  “I do have something you can do which might also help with what Chiaki is teaching you.  We’ll start by building up your upper-body strength.”

    He walked over to one wall of the gym and dragged over a tall contraption with a bar mounted at the top, and then rearranged the mats so it surrounded the device for safety.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’ll start with pull-ups.”  he said.  “Then we’ll move on to push-ups.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why not the reverse?”  Liu Xi asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Because by the time you finish the push-ups you’ll be too tired for the pull-ups.”

    She put her hands on her waist and smiled at him.  “You’re going to work me until it hurts, aren’t you?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes.”  Jay replied with a smirk.  “And uh, don’t ever say that with Dream within earshot.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You can do pull-ups, can’t you?”  Jay asked as he adjusted the bar at the top for her much shorter height.  “Quite a lot of people without training can’t.”

    Liu Xi leapt up and grabbed the bar so her feet were suspended.  Then she pulled herself up until her head was above the bar, and then her chest.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Wow, not bad,”  he complimented her.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I was a gymnast in high school,”  she explained.  “And after I was brought to this country against my will, they trained me to be able to lift my own weight.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m a little afraid to ask, but...why?”  Jay asked.

    Liu Xi dropped back to the floor.  She walked behind Jay, and then she planted her arms over his shoulders, and raised herself off the floor, and then lay her chin on his shoulder.  “Some men find this sort of thing very sexy.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh.”  Jay was turning a little red now that he understood.  “I see.  They taught you ‘Exotic dancing’.”

    Liu Xi nodded, and dropped back to the floor.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, fortunately I have a way to challenge you, pole-dancer Liu Xi.”  He walked back to a shelf near the door and produced two canvas wraps.  

    He kneeled next to the Chinese girl and snapped the small weights around her ankles.  “Now,”  he said as he rose to his feet again, “Try ten pull-ups.”

    It was a half hour of push-ups and pull-ups later that Liu Xi was finally tired enough not to continue.  She sat down in the mat, leaned back on the palms of her hands.

    Jay sat down beside her, and offered her a bottle of water.  She took it, and began sipping it quickly.  He drank one too - it was tiring working with her.  He forgot how much energy a girl her age had in reserve.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is really going to build up your endurance.”  Jay told her.  “A lot of opponents won’t bother with power, they will just try to wear you down.  If you tire easily, it won’t matter what skills you might have.”

    She gave him a tired smile.  “I’m yours for teaching,”  she said.  “I trust you.  And I will teach you anything you like in exchange.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh yeah?”  Jay smiled and said, “That pole dancing thing looked pretty interesting.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I can teach you that!”  Liu Xi exclaimed.  Then when she saw his skeptical reaction, “No, really, guys can do it too.  Once you get a girlfriend she’ll really love it.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re kidding, right?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No,”  she laughed.  “Okay, really it depends on the girlfriend, but it shows you are willing to put effort in.  And it would make Dream so jealous if you tell him you were taught to do that.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hah, I have to admit that’s tempting,”  he laughed.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Really, it’s just upper body strength and balance,”  she told him.  “I think you have both.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Don’t forget coordination.”  Jay pointed out.  “I’m not quite...that coordinated.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You can learn,”  she said.  “Elli will be impressed.”

    Jay’s head quickly snapped to her direction.  “Who told you about her?”

    Liu Xi giggled.  “I’m not telling.  But I know you like her.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’re just...professional--”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I know.”  Liu Xi interrupted.  “But I know you like her.  It’s so obvious.  You should strip naked, do an exotic dance for her, and then make love to her for two days.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s kind of...much, Liu Xi.”  Jay pointed out.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Is not,”  she protested.  “It’s what I did for Vinnie.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“...really?”  Jay asked quietly, almost afraid to prod further.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes, really.”  She laughed when she noticed he looked a little embarrassed to hear that.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Wow.”  Jay whispered, shaking his head.  “I’m actually a little jealous of Vinnie.  Though really, I guess I couldn’t do something like that anyway...I’m still waiting for the day I’m married.  Which reminds me...have you thought about it?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Getting married?”  Liu Xi shrugged.  “I dunno.  I haven’t even met his family yet.  And I’m still kind of young to get married, aren’t I?”  

    She sat up suddenly to free her hands from behind her.  Then she whacked Jay’s shoulder hard with her left hand.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Ow!  What was that for?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“If you mess things up with Elli or whoever because of your silly waiting-for-marriage rules, I will hurt you.”  Liu Xi warned him.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I didn’t even tell her--”

    Liu Xi hit him again.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Ow!  Okay, okay, I get it.”  Jay surrendered.  He rubbed his shoulder gently.  “Ow...exotic dancers hit hard.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I hit you because I love you, and I don’t want you to mess up again.”  She leaned forward and kissed him on the nose.

    Jay sighed deeply.  “I kind of miss you.  You’ve been spending all your time with Vinnie, and I’ve been spending all my time at the Foundation.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You have guest space at your new place?”  she asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“A fold-out couch.”  he replied with a shrug.  “It’s new...which is funny, because my bed is some kind of used military surplus cot.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Cool,”  she nodded.  “Maybe I’ll sleep over some night.  We can hang out and talk and stuff.  Like we used to.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Won’t Vinnie object?”  Jay asked, looking at her.

    Liu Xi looked down and laughed.  “We’re a remarkably mature couple, Jay,”  she said.  “We kind of learned sometimes it’s good to get away from each other.  That’s what makes this cool...it’s the real thing, not just all sex.  Though the sex is amazing.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I...didn’t need to know that part.”  Jay pointed out.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, that part finally solved a mystery,”  Liu Xi laughed.  “Why Kerry couldn’t stay away from him.  I totally understand now.  Anyway so...what do you think?  Can I visit some night?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah, okay.  Some night.”  Jay agreed.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And I’ll understand if you need to cancel for Elli,”  she added with a smile.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Don’t start that again.”  he groaned.

    Liu Xi rose slowly, she was really sore now.  She looked up, and the fading sun at her arrival had given away to nighttime darkness.  “Thank you for spending time with me,”  she said.  “And training me.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No problem.”  Jay replied, standing as well.  “You’re one of the best students I’ve had.  Hard worker, no complaining, and even fun to talk to.”

    She smiled.  “Again next week?”

    Jay nodded.  “I’m looking forward to it.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Me too.”  Liu Xi said.  She walked backwards to the door, smiling, before she finally turned and left.



-- Story written and copyrighted (C) 2010 by Jason Froikin, and may not be 
--    reprinted without permission.  
-- Yuki Shiro designed by Jason Froikin, based on designs by Masamune Shirow
--  Liu Xi Xian and the Psychic Samurai are original design by Jason Froikin
--  Lara Night is an original creation by Jason Froikin

Turning pole dancing into combat training?  Well, I suppose Stan Lee suggested the same thing with "Stripperella", and if it's good enough for Stan the Man...

Then again, he also thought up Batroc.  Hmmmm.

Anyway, fun story, and I'm sorry I forgot to reply earlier!