#342: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion Protocols: Darker Than Orange Previously: CrazySugarFreakBoy!’s controversial leadership of the Lair Legion included an assault on the white supremacist Pogrom of Purity, but the team walked into a trap set by secret government forces that de-powered Dancer and Nats and injured others. Amongst the casualties was Icy the Snowman, who was devastated to have accidentally killed someone. Meanwhile, the previously-depowered Hatman continues his new life as Director of the Gothametropolis York Benevolent Foundation, Ham-Boy goes home to Goth Haven and encounters a young mutate thief, the MLA, and the mysterious Citizen Z has vanished after arresting Silicone Sally. The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom Who's Who in the Parodyverse Where's Where in the Parodyverse 3. “Scorn and Defiance, Slight Regard, Contempt and Any Thing That May Not Misbecome The Mighty Sender…”     The pentagram in the centre of Herringcarp Asylum’s Manifestation Chamber glowed an eerie green. Amnesia formed up in the ghostly glow. She knelt for a moment, shuddering, as she always did when she returned to the building to which she was bound. Herringcarp greeted her with cold stone and darkness.     The spectre of the young woman rose to her feet and willed herself some clothes. The ragged tabard she’d worn before she died misted in around her, it’s torn edges flicking as if caught by the wind.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Back again,” said the spirit who had taken the identity of Citizen Z. It was only by the gift of the strange Asylum that she could project herself beyond its physical bounds or cast herself into human flesh to control a borrowed form. As always when she returned the Asylum took its price.     Amnesia padded on bare feet over the worn flagstones into the corridor beyond. To her left the halls vanished off into deeper shadow and darker secrets. To her right a flickering wall-torch lit the way to a flight of stone steps into the inhabited parts of the building. She hurried up to get away from the Manifestation Chamber’s whispering.     She picked her way through the labyrinthine rooms towards the hall where the Hooded Hood’s throne faced his Portal of Pretentiousness. Amnesia was surprised to hear voices. Visitors were infrequent in this aspect of the Asylum.     The Hooded Hood didn’t turn to see her. “Come in, my dear,” he bade anyway. He stood before the Portal, his hands on his lapels, conversing with a man behind a grey desk on the other side of the mirror. “You know the Word of Order?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’ve never dated,” replied Amnesia. “Well, not that I remember.”     Gideon Book regarded the apparition without surprise. “We have never had occasion to speak before, Ms Leyton. During my stay at Herringcarp your spectre was somewhat quiescent.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, I’m here now. What’s going on, Ioldabaoth?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The Word and I are discussing the Lair Legion,” replied the Hooded Hood. “We are speculating on whether CrazySugarFreakBoy! can be provoked into completing their destruction.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“CSFB!? He loves the Legion.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“He does,” agreed the Word. “That is a weakness, of course. Passion is his downfall.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“During the Parody War young Dreamcatcher should have died,” the Hood explained to Amnesia. “Instead he broke the rules, as only an avatar of chaos might, and returned in his current impossibilityium form. The chain of CrazySugarFreakHeroes! was broken, the whole line imprinted with Foxglove’s incarnation. Since then there has been a mounting imbalance of Chaos.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Which you don’t like,” Amnesia noted to the Word, “since you’re the Emissary of Order or something.”     The Word shook his head almost imperceptably. “I am very satisfied with the state of affairs, Ms Leyton. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. More Chaos means the opportunity for more Order. Extreme Chaos opens up many possibilities for me to draw down immense power. And through it all CrazySugarFreakBoy! is harming himself, his friends, his cause, and even Chaos itself while doing my work for me. This is what I have been preparing since I first encountered him.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The next manifestation of Dreamcatcher’s enhanced chaos state might well be the destruction of the Lair Legion,” noted the Hood. “I anticipate the angry, guilty CrazySugarFreakBoy! will lash out and exacerbate the situation he has provoked. I expect him to gather a line-up of Legionnaires of my choosing, a team especially calculated to destroy themselves and each other. They will ruin the reputation of the Legion for all time and finally end the succession of heroic alliances dating back a thousand years and more.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why would you want that?” challenged Amnesia. She didn’t really recall the team she’d been such close friends with when she’d still lived, but she knew they’d meant something to the lost Laurie Leyton.     The Hood looked at the wraith. “Am I not… the Hooded Hood?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The Hood intends to launch his larger undertaking,” explained Book. “For that he needs the Lair Legion – the right Lair Legion – to play their final role. He’s aiming for endgame.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I don’t want the Legion destroyed,” Amnesia insisted. “I won’t help with that.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Splendid,” replied the cowled crime czar. “That’s why I’ll make certain that you are included in their line-up.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ll what? I’m dead. A ghost. I can’t join the Lair Legion!”     The Hood turned back to the Word. “We’ll communicate again later when Dreamcatcher has done all he has been set to do; when he has finally and irrevocably led his friends and comrades to the path of their utter destruction. Now if you’ll both excuse me, I have a snowman to interview.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I won’t help you to hurt the Legion,” repeated Amnesia. “Once I’ve got vengeance on Elizabeth von Zemo and her people I’ll be able to rest.”     The Hooded Hood did not reply; but he had a vicious smile on his lips as he left the throne room. ***     General Terrence Hodgekiss glared across at the livid CrazySugarFreakBoy! “What’s your problem now, boy? The freak wants a wah-wah? I already had your mommie in here screaming her foul mouth off. You got even more relatives and faggot friends you want to drag in and give jobs to? You wanna start potty training? What the hell thing are you crying for now that’s gonna compromise national security and international justice?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You don’t get to talk about justice, Buttkiss!” shouted CSFB! “You let us go off on a mission and you set us up in an ambush that leaves two of us crippled and could have got all of us killed! There’s gonna be a long line of my family and friends want to rip you a new one!”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Buttkiss. Yeah, not heard that one before. So what are you gonna do, freak boy? You got no chain of evidence that links me or the government to your badly-planned outing to Coeur D’Aline. You got no comeback ‘cept an illegal assault on a senior military officer and you can bet your tight skinny ass that’ll come back and bite ya and all your super-friends. So what the &*£$ do you think you can actually do, you dumb&$£*, loudmouthed, smartass, pencildicked, retard eight year old?”     The new colours of CrazySugarFreakBoy!’s costume glowed sullen and sinister. “What can I do? I can be your worst possible nightmare, medal man. I’m an unstoppable, unkillable, uncontrollable madman and I really don’t have any limits at all. You think I’ll be stopped by your threats of reprisal? By what other people think? You believe I won’t go after you and the people behind you and the people behind them until I’ve got every stinking one of you? I came back from the dead – from the &8$%ing dead – to stop you, Buttkiss. I am leader of the world’s most powerful assembly of superheroes. You attack us then we’ll crush your nuts!”     The General made a derogatory noise with his lips. “We got ways to take you all down, boy. You saw that this morning. We’ve shut down superheroes before, a whole generation after WW2 when they weren’t needed any more. Depowered, discredited, locked in asylums, driven to suicide. Same thing in the 70s. You think we haven’t taken precautions to be able to finish you all if we have to?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Anna?” CSFB! asked, referring to the SPUD-sponsored combat android. “She’s not on your team any more, General.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We got a dozen ways to take you, moron. We got methods to do you all, even the Shoggoth, even the hemigod. We’ve got deals in place to neutralise Lisa Waltz and the Chronicler of Stories if we have to. You think we haven’t had years to prepare for this?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And what happens the next time Galactivac comes calling, or Dark Thugos, or Sage Grimpenghast?” demanded the wired wonder. “You’re gonna to send in Jingo Belle and some policy documents, are you?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“No. I’ll be sending in the Lair Legion. The official Lair Legion, approved by the government, disciplined, regimented, professional, reliable. Under control. No loose cannons. You won’t be there.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then they won’t win,” CSFB! told him. “Without the loose cannons, without the wacky Plan F’s, without the spitballing and the camaraderie and the inspiration they’ll just get ploughed under.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Keep telling yourself that, boy. But tell yourself it far from here. You’re out.”     CrazySugarFreakBoy!’s laugh wasn’t at all pleasant. “You think this is over? This is only just beginning. I’m done with playing nice, playing by the code, playing at all. You want to know what happens when I get serious? You want to experience the destructive power of Chaos unleashed? Keep watching!”      ***     The Mutate Liberation Army, in the form of one teenaged super-speedster called R.J. Clement, looked in disbelief at the ham-cowled superhero blocking his exit from the Jet Starscream Experience. “You’re trying to stop me? Really? You?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re stealing,” Ham-Boy explained to the confident young black man. “Stealing is wrong. Do you see where this is going?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s going towards you getting an ass-kicking if you don’t get out of my way,” the MLA warned. “Seriously, I’m on a schedule here.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Me too,” said the world’s meatiest hero. “So make your move and then I can arrest you and call the police.”     R.J. shot forward to take Ham-Boy down. He skidded on a soft bed of rinds that prevented him gaining traction to run, then he slid hard into a display cabinet. While he was still tangled in life-sized replicas of Interplanet Janet he was pinned down with a heavy wall of moose steaks.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We covered fighting super-speedy villains in the Juniors class,” Fred Harris pointed out to the entangled mutate.     The MLA vibrated free is a spray of pulped meat. “Yeah, well I got my powers off my cousin De Brown Streak, so pardon me if I’m not impressed, bacon lad.”     Fred used his meat control abilities to wrap R.J.’s legs together with strings of sausages, sending the speedster tumbling again. “It was Josh Clement that trained us in how to do this. First the offal, then the wall of meat, then the sausages, then the wave of mince.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Wait, the what?” gasped the MLA just as he was slammed away in a wash of ground beef.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And then about half a ton of pork bellies. And it’s not bacon lad. It’s Ham-Boy.”     A faint muffled noise came from beneath the pile of meat. “Okay, I’ll try to remember. Ouch.” ***     Icy the Snowman looked uncomfortable in the audience chamber of Herringcarp Asylum. He wasn’t used to feeling cold.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Good evening,” said the Hooded Hood. It hadn’t been evening when Icy had entered the sinister gothic sanatorium but something in the way that the cowled crime czar said it made the snowman believe that it was now.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hello,” ventured Icy. “Thank you for making some time to see me. You have a very lovely home. Well, except for the menacing statuary and the cobwebs and the shadows that move when you’re not watching them. But otherwise lovely.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You wished to speak with me about Nicholas Smeaty?” prompted the archvillain. “Proceed.”     Icy shuddered. “Well, he died,” he explained to the waiting Hood. “I wasn’t thinking what I was doing and I made a stupid mistake. And now… he’s dead.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Indeed.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So I was thinking… they say you can retcon things, make them so they never happened. I called Danny Lyle, your son, but he said a denial this big, so long after the fact, was too big a stretch for him.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And he advised you to call upon… the Hooded Hood?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“He told me not to, under any circumstances. He said the cost would always outweigh the benefit.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The youth is learning. And yet here you are, Icy the Snowman, so very far from your home.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes, sir. I can’t… I can’t just go away and not do anything for Nick Smeaty. I know he wasn’t a very nice person but nobody deserves to die.”     The Hood seemed amused by that. “I agree. Living enemies, wrecked, defeated, impotent to ever rise again, hating every moment of their bitter barren eternal existence are more satisfying. I’m working on one right now, a terrible villain in the making, antithesis of everything he ever admired or valued. Call it a hobby.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I don’t mean that. I just don’t want anyone to die. I don’t… I don’t want to have killed Nick.” The snowman dipped his carrot nose and his coaly eyes were moist with frost.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you wish to bargain with… the Hooded Hood?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“If I have to. I don’t see I’ve any choice.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I always leave my adversaries choice,” promised the archvillain. “Choice is what hurts.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well then, I choose to help Nick. Tell me what you want.”     The Hooded Hood considered. “It is not that simple, Icy the Snowman. Lives and deaths have consequences. Bringing someone back from the dead, making it so they didn’t die, that has big consequences. Everything is linked together. One change there makes a billion changes elsewhere.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I don’t understand. Just make it so it never happened. Please!”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Suppose I restore this Smeaty. I also restore all the deeds he would have done in his life, for good or ill. All his crimes. Any children he might father and all their deeds, and their descendants. I end any lives any of them might take. I unbalance the future.”     Icy clutched his top hat in his hands and pleaded. “I know you can do it, though. You’ve made changes before. You do it all the time. I’m begging you, Hooded hood…”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I use my abilities far more rarely than people suppose,” the cowled crime czar told him. “A corollary of my gifts is that I live in many alternate timelines at once. I am all those Hooded Hood variants simultaneously. I can see the consequences of changes I make. I can see how they’d need to be balanced.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But you can do it.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I can. So what if I told you, Icy the Snowman, that the only way to restore Nicholas Smeaty was if you were removed instead? If you had to be wiped from the timeline from this moment forth, stricken from the record? What then?”     Icy understood. “If that’s the price then I’ll take it,” he agreed. Wipe me out and save Nick. That’s what’s right.”     The Hooded Hood did not reply.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What are you waiting for?” the snowman asked unhappily. “Do it!”     The Hood turned away. “I shall ask you again tomorrow, Icy the Snowman. In twenty-four hours time I shall give you your choice.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m ready to decide now,” Icy told him, distressed. “Right now. Do it.” ”If I do as you ask right now then you will no longer exist,” replied the archvillain. “Were you not listening when I explained that a living adversary in torment was better?” He moved to the door. “Dwell on your choice for twenty-four hours. Hold onto your courage for that long. Consider your sacrifice. Then I shall ask you again.” *** 4. “Thou Hast Me, If Thou Hast Me, At The Worst.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hi.”     Al B. Harper put down his spectratoxigraph actualiser and looked up. “G-Eyed. Hello. Welcome back.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Thanks. Listen, Doc, I’ve got a question. Have you got a minute?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“About two point seven minutes before the computers finish with the DNA modelling on Dancer and Nats, actually. What’s on your mind?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, this is going to sound kind of dumb, but… should I exist?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Whew. That’s a relief.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I mean ‘Yes, it sounds dumb’. Why would you ask?”     Bry Katz sighed. “It was something somebody said to me. You know I was sent back from the 40th century when I was a baby, right, to be raised by the Order of the Observing Eye? It turned out that my ancestors around this era were beings called the Celestian Madonna and the Fernbiote. I always worried that might mean spiffy.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes, I did the temporal math on that once. The blackboard exploded.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Right. Anyhow, I heard that the Celestian Madonna turned out to be Samantha Bonnington, Fashion Accessory, and that she was supposed to breed with the Void Scholar, previously known as Wang the Conqueror. And their kids had kids and so on and eventually that line led to Liu Xi Xian. And Liu Xi and Danny Lyle were supposed to breed this mega-uber-being. But all of that changed the previous Fernbiote lineage thing, maybe? And now somehow Samantha isn’t the Madonna any more but it’s passed on to someone else and we don’t know who?” He sat down heavily. “So my ultimate grandparents never met and I can’t exist.”     Al B. considered this for a moment. “Interesting,” he admitted. “I think I’ll need to run a few experiments.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Will they be painful?” flinched G-Eyed. They’re usually painful.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“No.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Really? They won’t be painful?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Really,” promised Al B. Harper. “They’ll actually be very very painful. Hold still.” ***     The lobby of the Gothametropolis York Civic Relief Foundation was crowded. The queue of people waiting to talk to Ellie Copper and the other volunteers at the trestles had grown long enough that it snaked round into the abandoned reading room. The lecture hall was an impromptu crèche. Some people had brought their whole families so the older children had taken up a spirited chasing game in the abandoned gym.     As Jay Boaz got back from his meeting he was surrounded by a crowd of anxious, mostly impoverished, all excited or concerned, citizens of GMY.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hey, hold on a moment, folks. What’s going on here, Judge?”     Judgement Jupiter, the ancient bewhiskered caretaker of the sprawling civic relic on Eecee Street shouldered his way through the throng. “Seems folks have heard that the Foundation’s back in business. I told ‘em all to bugger off but in this town that’s like sayin’ sit down and have a biscuit.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Do we have biscuits, by the way?” Ellie called worriedly. “Only some of these people have been waiting since dawn to talk about their problems.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We can find biscuits,” Jay promised. “Judge, call this number. Ask for Shep. If she’s not there ask for Mr P. Tell them we need coffee and snacks for, what, three hundred people? Make that four hundred just in case. Tell them I’ll settle up later.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And they’ll believe you?” Judge didn’t like in a world with a lot of trust in it.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’d be surprised if they don’t come down to deliver personally. But if they’re busy here’s a list of truckers who’ll ship the stuff over from Paradopolis. Um, ignore the stars next to the names. It’s a list I got from Lisa.”     Ellie Copper shook her head in disbelief. “I never thought I’d see this place full again, working again. But what can we do now all these people have come? We’ve got the homeless, the destitute, the desperate, everybody who’s been ignored for so long. What we don’t have yet is any unlocked funds, any way of actually practically helping them except some parachuted-in biscuits.”     Jay pressed his way to the little janitor’s office beneath the main staircase, where three people could just about sit in relative privacy. “Okay, Ellie. Ring this number too. Talk to Reverend Fleetwood. He’ll send you a list of care agencies and charities we can refer on to. Then contact the Zero Street Orphanage, ask them to send over any spare beds or bedding they’ve got so we can start bunking people down in the back rooms for now. Jupiter, if a bunch of teenagers in Hell’s Bathroom gang colours and Zero Street baseball caps turn up looking to work security here make sure you mostly disarm them before you let them go outside.”     Ellie took notes. “We still don’t have any real resources. The Foundation’s cash assets have mostly vanished and the rest will be tied in litigation for months, maybe years. The charity accomodation out back is burned out ruins. The previous trustees let them build a toxic waste recyling plant three feet from the alms houses. As soon as Mayor Klein finds out how many zoning and health and safety laws we’re breaking she’ll shut us down.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And when that mob outside finds we can’t help ‘em all they’ll likely crucify us,” added Judge. “Still it’ll be nice to have a break.”     Jay dropped the parcel of old documents he’d brought onto Jupiter’s tiny desk. “This is stuff from the Abyssal Greye,” he told his team. “Old deeds and covenants and stuff that date back hundreds of years.”     Ellie bent over to inspect the parchments; carefully, since many were rather brittle. “That old antiquarian in carpet slippers who’s descended from one of the Foundation founders? How is he able to dig this stuff up?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think he’s really good at digging stuff up,” Jay Boaz replied diplomatically. “He knows where all the corpses are buried. Anyhow, he and his, er, colleagues, they’ve been keeping an eye on GMY for a really long time. And they’ve found some really great stuff about the Foundation’s rights and privileges that will keep Klein’s attack lawyers busy for, well, decades. Possibly centuries.”     A low smile spread over Ellie’s face as the young attorney appreciated some possibilities. “We have the right to a free street festival?” she read at random. “In Hogan? I’m guessing that wasn’t a notorious red light district back in 1874? And we can take a 1% tithe on all trading on Ditch Street? Back when this was granted it was nothing but a few outdoor stalls, long before it became the financial centre of the GMY stock market!”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah, I guess that would solve our cashflow problem eventually,” grinned Jay. “In the meantime I talked to a few friends and got us some loans to keep us going while the Foundation assets are unlocked.”     Judge picked up a slip of paper “This is a cheque from the Teresa Bautista Trust for one million dollars,” he noted.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah. The others are just from folks I know. We’ll pay them all back too, but later. Right now the priority’s getting the rest of this place online again. This afternoon we’ll be seeing seven dwarves turn up with a lacemaker. Don’t ask questions. Just show them where the old charity housing used to be and get out of their way.”     Ellie raised her hand. “I have a question.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sure, what is it, Ellie?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What are you going to do on your third day on the job, Director Boaz?”     Hatman shrugged. “Let’s go out to talk to those folks in the lobby and find out what they’ll need.” He took a deep breath and pushed his way out into the shouting crowds to begin his work.     Over by the door four men in concealing trenchcoats watched the circus.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, boss?” demanded Marker Man. “Can we start the massacre now?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This place is old,” observed Garbage Burner. “It’d burn real easy.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ve not got enough superhero dentistry in my collection,” noted Dr Teeth. “Don’t kill him till I’ve pulled the best ones.”     English Man looked around the crowded lobby with a cold satisfaction. “It would be bad manners to kill everybody right here and now,” he told the Frightsome Four. “Jolly bad show. Best to come back tomorrow when the crowd’s that much bigger and do the thing properly, what? Take down the whole city block and give these peasants something to cry about.” He took another look around him. “Yes, this is going to be absolutely spiffing.” ***     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re going?” asked Visionary. It seemed to be a day for departures.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah,” said Bill Reed. “It’s time. I don’t have powers now but I do have a spooky ghost cab company that’s relying on me. And it’s tax return time.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re leaving at a moment like this?”     Nats nodded. “I’m leaving before I lose it big time. I don’t think this can end well. I don’t want to see what comes next.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’ll be back,” said Vizh. “One a Legionnaire always a Legionnaire.”     That rung a snort and a half-smile from Bill Reed. “Yeah, I guess maybe so. Listen, tell G-Eyed that I hope he sticks around on the team. Everybody needs a second chance, even a butt-head like him. Tell him I said so.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Even the butt-head bit?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Especially the butt-head bit. And tell Dream… tell him I don’t blame him. For Coeur D’Aline. It wasn’t his fault. Wish him good luck. He’s going to need it.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Deal,” agreed Visionary, shaking hands with the former flying phenomenon. “Take care. Those accountants can be sharp.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And Roswell can be prickly. I’ve got my work cut out for me.” He took a last look around the Lair Mansion. “Goodbye.” ***     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well?” asked Yuki as Hallie processed the computer readings on the cyborg P.I.’s combat simulation session.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re right. Loss of the Technopolitan mind/body interface has degraded your on-board     reaction times 0.06%,” answered the Legion’s resident A.I. “But you actually did better against the drones that you managed on your most recent evaluation. You’re getting more instinct in your combat manoeuvres and they can’t predict it.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah, I know all that,” Yuki dismissed the analysis. “I meant ‘well, have you decided on the job offer?’ Are you going to finally take the plunge and join the Lair Legion as a member?”     Hallie shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know. Sir Mumphrey asked me years ago and I said I’d prefer to become me first, to work on becoming a person or whatever I’m evolving into, the world’s most complicated computer sentience-come-art student or something. And it’s not like Dream hasn’t asked just about everybody he knows to join up. Did you see the e-mails to his old D&D buddies and his suggestions for their code-names?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re at the top of our lists,” Yuki assured the green-skinned hologram. “Although you may want to think carefully about CSFB!’s proposed superhero names for you. And his costume suggestions.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ll think carefully about all of it,” Hallie promised. “But it’s a big step. I need some time to decide.”     Yuki nodded. She wrapped a towel over her shoulders and headed for the showers. She didn’t sweat during a workout but the shower felt good anyway. “Let me know.”     Hallie waited until the cyborg P.I. had gone. She dissolved the holographic combat testing apparatus and rolled back the hard-tech into the walls. She cross-indexed Yuki’s performance with the overall Legion performance database. She logged in a maintenance cycle for the remote training drones.     She allowed a big happy grin to spread all over her face. *** 5. “But If The Cause Be Not Good, the King Himself Hath A Heavy Reckoning To Make.”     The Sentinoids were slightly delayed because the SPUD battle-suits didn’t include pockets and it was $49.99 to get into the Jet Starscream Experience. When they did arrive they dug out Randy Clement and clapped him in power-dampening shackles.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Listen, dude,” the MLA told Ham-Boy as he was being led away. “No hard feelings, okay? Could you do a couple of things for me?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not sure I could,” admitted Fred Harris, dubiously.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well consider them, please. First off, that tribal stone really needs to get back to the Upnashtivi people. It shouldn’t be here. Good things will happen if it gets home. Look into it. See what you can do.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ll do what I can, then. What else.”     The MLA grinned. “Looks like I’m going to be kind of tied up tonight. I need you to call this number and apologise to a hot mama. Tell her it would have been cosmic. Then get her address and get round there with an Italian dinner.” He winked at the world’s meatiest hero. “The rest’s up to you.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The rest?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah, the rest.” R.J. winked again and was led off to the van.     There was an argument going on at the back of the hall. A bespectacled man in a SPUD technician’s outfit was arguing with the museum administrator.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Is there a problem?” Ham-Boy checked.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“None at all, Ham-Boy,” the bespectacled man assured him. “This… person… was objecting to us taking the Upnashtivi Stone as evidence, but we’ll need it and these other trinkets to press the case against the suspect. It’s the law.”     Ham-Boy had to agree. The administrator shook his head unhappily. “Jet won’t like this. All this publicity and he wasn’t here.”     The bespectacled man waited until Ham-Boy and the rest had moved on. He pushed to mask into a pre-paid padded envelope addressed to Africa and dropped it in the nearest post box. He had no interest in it whatsoever. The rest of the confiscated evidence was binned except for one unregarded fragment.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ve got the second fragment of Jarvisite you wanted,” Clockwatcher announced, apparently to no-one. “The Clement distraction worked perfectly.” The Portal of Pretentiousness opened before him and the Hooded Hood’s curator stepped through into the darkness of Herringcarp Asylum.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Excellent,” intoned the Hooded Hood.      ***     Police Lieutenant Farouk bin Shadin sat in front of his keyboard and wondered how to begin his report.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ve been concerned about corruption in the El’Bar police department since I joined three years ago,” he rehearsed his statement. “Bribery is rife and nobody gets promoted unless the Commissioner gets a cut. Half the officers are in the pay of the local cartels and the other half don’t care. Nobody is interested in upholding the law. In fact anyone who tries is penalised, reduced to traffic duty or graveyard shift grunt work. I know this because that’s what I’ve been on for two years.”     It had been frustrating for a young man who’d joined with such high ideals. The Captain had enjoyed disillusioning him. It had been a personal quest to muddy the square-jawed idealist. It had come frighteningly close to working.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“However, today I made a breakthrough,” Farouk continued. “Now I know the whole dirty network. I know about the drugs rings, the sex slavery rackets, the software piracy businesses, the protection gangs, the gambling syndicates, everything. I can trace the corruption all the way up to the royal family. I know the names and addresses of almost every criminal in Immin and from them I can get the rest.”     He had to pause a moment to wipe blood off the monitor screen. “I want there to be justice. Sometimes for there to be justice there has to be a price. I know that now. I can never return to Jasmine and our child. I don’t dare to be near them. The ability to learn all these secrets, to gain all these skills, is a true gift. I will bear the cost, although it damns my soul.”     He looked around the precinct room. The walls were sprayed with red. The corrupt officers were sprawled wherever they’d fallen, their lifeless eyes accusing him. Captain Nariim lay at his feet, the top half off his skull broken in like a hardballed egg, his brain scooped out.     Some of the remnants of it were spilled down Farouk’s police tunic. He’d gagged at first when he’d begun to eat the Captain’s grey matter; but without consuming it he couldn’t know what the Captain knew, couldn’t replicate what the Captain had learned to do.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am sorry,” Farouk bin Shaden typed, weeping. Then he turned off the computer. Who could he send his report to? Everyone in his chain of command had to die.     He looked up, suddenly aware of someone else in the room. A young woman was there, dressed in strange garb that was neither Eastern nor Western. She was clad immodestly in form-fitting white and her face was bare; in fact her whole head was bare, shaved of hair entirely.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Farouk bin Shaden?” she asked, ignoring the gory ruin of the precinct office.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am. Who are you?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am Pelopia, Disciple of Order,” she replied. “I serve the Word of Logos. I greet the new Champion of Order. Hail.”     Farouk frowned. “I’m what?”     Pelopia glided across the room, sensuous but disciplined. “The forces of Order ordain a champion to uphold the will of their Emissary, my father the Word. Upon him or her they confer their Serious Matter, which enables a human to absorb the thoughts and abilities of others and discipline them to the cause of Order. Until recently this champion has been the adventurer Hatman.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hatman? The Western superhero? From the Transworlds Challenge, and the Parody War, and that vision we all had against the Carnifex?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The same. But now the Serious Matter has moved on, Farouk bin Shaden. To you.”     The young policeman looked around the bloody room. “Is that why I did what I have done? When I felt the light in my mind I… the first criminal I tore open, it was as if I was compelled.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Jay Boaz perverted the gift of order,” Pelopia explained. “Previous champions have touched or ingested the brains of our enemies to absorb their powers and knowledge. Hatman… chose another path. You have the pure gift as it was ordained to be.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ve become a monster.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You have become what it is ordained that you become. Already you have accomplished much. With training and discipline you could become a most formidable champion, a true asset in our war upon Chaos.” Pelopia looked almost sad. “It is a shame that you will not fulfil your promise.”     Farouk rubbed his hands across his bloody face. “I don’t understand. Any of this. But I know what I must do. I must bring justice, whatever the cost, whoever must fall. I must…”     The Priestess of Logos shook her head. “My father says that you are the wrong champion for this time,” she revealed, “and his Word is law. Another must have the duty.”     She’d slashed her fingers across Farouk’s throat before he’d even registered that she’d moved. He toppled clutching his severed windpipe and sliced jugular.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Your family will be cared for,” she told the dying champion of Order. “We are not without compassion. You have served well.”     And then she left. ***     Bad News Herb paid off the cab outside the security gates of the Pierce Heights mansion. He paused a moment to straighten his tie then hit the intercom.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Herbert P. Garrick here. Is he in? Will he see me? It’s important.”     The gates purred open and the G-man walked up the drive. ***     Dreamcatcher Foxglove looked up from his new desk as Amber St Clare knocked and entered his office. “Yeah? What’s the problem now?” he sighed.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The problem since you took off your artificial arm and used it to smash every bit for furniture in your room to splinters?” asked the Legion’s liaison officer. “The next problem?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah, the next one. Who’s Buttkiss trying to can, depower, or assassinate now?”     Amber held out a note. “Your next problem is this,” she answered.     CrazySugarFreakBoy! read the letter. His eyebrows shot up. “You’re quitting?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m resigning,” Amber told him. “Effective immediately, please. I have enough leave time due me to cover my notice period and about eight months more.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So Buttkiss got to you too, huh?”     Amber shook her head. “This isn’t to do with the General,” she answered, a touch of anger creeping into her voice. “Since I got assigned to this job I’ve been chased by Hellraisers, Obedience Branded and enslaved by Exemplary, dropped into Comic-Book Limbo, attacked by the Parody Master. I’ve been forced to try and seduce Flapjack. I’ve been abused and injured and terrified. You think Terrence Hodgekiss is going to make a difference?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then what, Amber?” Dream forced himself to claw out of his own shroud of rage for a moment as he saw the first tear trickle down the woman’s cheek. “Hey, what’s wrong.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s you,” the liaison officer confessed. “What you’re doing.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Look, I know my press conference made a crapload of work for you…”     Amber shook her head. “It’s where you’re taking the Legion, and how you’re taking it there. You’re out of control, Dreamcatcher, and I don’t know if anybody can stop you now. I can’t see a happy ending.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So you’re sticking with the official line that…”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m telling you what I think” Amber told him forcefully. “And then you can scream at me as well, and dismiss what I’m saying because it doesn’t fit your worldview, and go on with wrecking everything with the very best of intentions. But I won’t be here. Nats has gone, Icy has gone, Dancer is going. Who’ll be next?”     CSFB! stopped short in mid-retort. “They’ve all gone?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dream, I know I’m just a government drone in your imagination, a bit-player who doesn’t matter that much…”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s not true.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hear me out then. I absolutely applaud your aims to put the world right. I absolutely abhor your methods. And I don’t think they’ll work. I don’t think they are working. And if you look around for a minute with fresh eyes I think you’ll see that too.” Amber wiped her cheeks and blew her nose. “Anyhow, I resign. Let the problem next liaison deal with the fallout.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Amber!”     Amber St Clare closed the door behind her as she left.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“No,” frowned CrazySugarFreakBoy! “No!” He reached for something else to break but there wasn’t much left to break. Rage was replaced by confusion, confusion by despair. He slumped to the ground with his head in his hands. “How can this be going so wrong? How? How?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Are you really asking or just mouthing off?” asked the girl in black sitting cross-legged on his desk. “Because if you’re just on another self-pity jag I can just buzz off.”     CSFB! turned and spotted the ghost girl (yet another one!). “Izzy!”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah, Izzy,” agreed his dead ex-girlfriend. “I’ve not been around much for a while, but I thought you might need a friend right now. Do you?”     CSFB! knuckled a tear from his own wet eye. “I really do,” he confessed. *** Next: Icy’s deal, Citizen Z’s secret origin, Garrick’s secret, Hatman’s assassination, and CSFB!’s choice in Untold Tales #343: All Change. *** Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2010 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2010 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.

Good stuff as things become further unraveled, and I'm not entirely sure how it's all going to be put back together again. Luckily, the Hood seems to know, so I'm sure it will all work out for the best...

So Citizen Z seems a lock for the new line-up. I assume the Hood feels that it's a good thing that she doesn't want to destroy the Legion for a variety of reasons I couldn't even guess at. I suppose she'd pass the Magweed test at the very least. Plus, I imagine it's just plain meaner for her to help destroy the team when it's not what she wants to do.

Hodgekiss really does need to have his butt handed to him. I'm not sure exactly how that's likely to happen though... He can certainly give as good as he gets in any shouting match across a desk. Dream got downright unnerving at the end of that scene.

Loved the confrontation between the MLF and Hamboy, and the reason why the mighty man of meat had no problem stopping the new mutate speedster. Interesting that his cousin seems to have gotten the exact powers that Josh had... I do wonder if Hamboy kept the date for him.

Not sure what the Hood is up to yet with Clockwatcher...

You're going to be mean to Icy, and that's not nice. I don't see him chickening out, but I also don't want him disappearing, so I'm not sure what to expect here. He should have listened to Denial though.

Hatman certainly mastered the art of making a difference without any powers in no time flat. I'm ready to start the "Hatman for President" campaign. Of course, him being Canadian is a bit of a hang up... maybe we can convince people he's just from Minnesota?

So it looks like Nats, Dancer, Icy and Amber are out, and Citizen Z and Hallie are in, at least at the current moment. I'm thinking Izzy will have a profound effect on the direction of things in the rest of this chapter, however... At least I hope so.

Looking forward to more on the mysteries of Garrick, and finding out who the new Champion of Order is as well!

I'm glad I "perverted the gift"; I'm not sure what the calorie count is on brains, but either way I'll gladly pass on finding out.

CSFB! really is digging himself into a hole with his actions and reactions. Really he's learning that being in the big chair means adjusting your behavior, as Hawkeye learned when he became a team leader with the Avengers. I'm curious to see if we get Amber back after all of this or if we end up with a new LL liaison.

Nice to see Hatman using his connections to get the Foundation up and running. I'm looking forward to seeing how he handles the League of Losers without his powers, or if he even can.

Poor Icy. Things will not end well for him I'm sure.

I liked how Ham-Boy easily took down the inexperienced MLA speedster. Experience goes a long way in the superpowers game, and Ham-Boy proved it.

I keep thinking I should write a tie-in with Hatman sitting down to talk with CSFB! about what he's doing but I don't think it would work for story purposes at the moment; Hatman really does need to be absent for CSFB! to continue on the path he's set for the Legion.

~Hat~

I was sure Hodgekiss would react more angrily when CSFB! mentioned Anna. That's got to be a major thorn in the military's side.

When I read Sonic Boom I thought of the guy from the movie Sky High - the gym teacher that yelled "Siiiidekick!" (it's a common super-type name, but it's funny anyhow).

I'm going to have to post the first part of Mysteries of Faite in the next 24 hours, even if it overlaps with the other story, because otherwise my next suggestion won't make much sense: Icy could have also talked to Faite (it would make more sense after the post, because presumably now she's too difficult to find). Maybe Faite could help, maybe not, but she has the opposite priority than the Hooded Hood - she would be more intent on making Icy believe that changing things would only make them worse, and she would create visual aids to drive home the point.

Originally Faite's "return" was supposed to coincide with the forces of Order and Chaos going out of balance, so this seems like as good a time as any. She also seems to be just in time to reign in the Hooded Hood just a bit, just when he's at his most diabolical (she would probably start by warning him that his agenda is upsetting a balance he so carefully created).

If Goldeneyed were to ask Liu Xi whether he exists, and explain how, her only response would be "You exist, so shut up."

I figured Amber would end up resigning. Maybe that would end up hurting CSFB!'s feelings enough to change his mind a bit. If that doesn't work, maybe Liu Xi cursing at him about destroying everything he loves might help, since he knows her intentions are pure.

Curiously, at this point, I'd say Lara Night was somewhere biting her lip to avoid getting too involved in matters beyond her control. She would honestly tell CSFB! that she believes in his ideal, but maybe this isn't the right time. That maybe he should work toward it instead of pushing it all at once.

As I was saying to Vizh, the challenge with this story is graduating Hodgekiss' confrontations. The danger is that otherwise the tale degenerates into a series of angry reactions which don't really add much to the overall narrative.




Sonic Boom is an old adversary of Ham-Boy's from L!'s own stories.




You may wish to wait for how this plot with the Hood pans out since it may make a difference to other stories about it.




As the Word said here, the Hood is making his move. As usual, that's a carefully considered suite of ploys. And there are particular and as-yet-unrevealed reasons why he's in a somewhat uncompromising mood, even beyond having to sacrifice Zdenka recently.




G-Eyed and Liu Xi share a similar problem just now of being anomalies without poperly rooted timeline histories.

But that's a subplot for another issue.




Amber's resignation has triggered his conversation with his dead girlfriend Izzy, so now his plot can move forward.




I take it as a good sign regarding whether the story's engaging readers that so many people are itching to have their characters help out CSFB!

Not only has Hatty's method been different from most Serious Matter wielders but his power-set is different too.




It's not entirely Dream's fault. He pushed, the adversaries pushed back harder.




Who would you suggest for the job?




I spent a long drive yesterday trying to plot that one. We'll see how good it turns out when I get to write it.




He does seem to be garnering a good deal of sympathy.




HB is one of only two legitimate graduates so far from the Junior LL programme (Glory's the other). He's ready for bigger things.




Things will come to a head in the next section.

I meant that Hodgekiss didn't seem to react at all to Anna's name. Like either he ignored it on purpose because he knew CSFB! was trying to irritate him, or he didn't care.





I posted it anyway - not to mess up the Hooded Hood's plot, but because after reading it I realized a large portion of the first chapter of Mysteries of Faite started in the recent past (ending right around the time Anna, Lara, Chiaki, and Liu Xi returned home).





For that, Faite might remind him to remember who his allies are, or at the very least, who his enemies aren't. She doesn't rely on threats - she tries to appeal to his intelligence.





The point was that Liu Xi has heard it before and doesn't really worry about it.





I didn't know she was dead. That kind of changes things, because the dead can be manipulated.





Like I said, Lara is biting her tongue because she's afraid of what telling the truth will cause. She knows just how dangerous CSFB! can become if he's out-of-sorts enough to believe Lara is saying that because she's turning against him, or if he believes all his friends are.

Is there really any problem that the Legion's got right now that can't be solved with a hug?




All of the above; but our next section offers rather more information that might help you to identify and sympathise with Laurie once more. Heh.




The Hood did mention that he was working on creating a great new villain.

As for Hodgekiss, he's still got an argument or two to go yet.




There's more to R.J. that we'll need to return to in an issue or two's time.




He's assembling fragments of Jarvisite. Maybe it's his new hobby.




He really should.




That's not in Canada?




I'm hoping to surprise and shock people some more before we're done. The very next section might have some interesting developments that will affect any future line-up.




The new champion is a character who's appeared before in Untold Tales. Any ideas?

Have you explored why this is before? I can't remember. If not, the whole "Champion of Balance" thing I introduced with Jabin Sir would work.







His initial thrust was a little too enthusiastic though.







If Hatman remained depowered and wasn't running the Foundation I think he'd be a logical fit. I also think you could put Asil in that role (where is she these days anyway?), or even Mr. Epitome if he was available.

From a story-telling potential point of view, I think there could be some to be had with Miss Framlicker in the role. If Al blew up the EEE headquarters and she needed something to do while it was rebuilt, it could work.

Or Dan Drury could be ousted from SPUD by the seemingly-reformed Blackbird,who converts SPUD into TATER with the government-sponsored Lair Legion as it's point team, but gets appointed to the LL liaison role by the UN.

Or just give it to Visionary.







I'm sure it will be excellent.







The character isn't one of my favourites I admit but it is actually a little refreshing to have such a naive character running around, considering the experience of most of the cast.







If "Villain Whomping" had been worth more of his final grade I think Harlagaz might have made it. His poor marks in "Minimizing Property Damage" hurt too.







By next section you mean sometime in the next 3 chapters? Your sections tend to be larger than most of my series'.

~Hat~

Nicely done.

Things I look forward to reading where they go: Goldeneyed subplot, The Hooded Hood's Plans & Ham-Boy's "date".

A few things that I think might need to be changed/altered:

- Goth Haven is not Ham-Boy's "home town". That is Piney Oaks, Iowa & most like will always be. HB just lives & works in Goth Haven for the moment. It's sort of right of past for the men of the Harris family. Fred is the 3rd known generation to do so.

- You added a few letters to Janet's codename: It's Inter-Planet Janet & not Interplanetary Janet.

- HB mentioning he's fought Sonic Boom a number of times: not sure about this one. Yes, both people live in the same city & might have met but fighting, not sure bout that one. Now they might of fought the first time they met as per Super Hero convention but them fighting more them once seems a bit off. The comment makes it sound like Sonic Boom is a villain which he's not. He's a Super Hero, one who's more into having a rocking party then saving the World but a Super Hero none the less. Also, I don't see HB & SB running into each other, pun only kind of intended. I don't see them having many contacts/friends in common.

- How HB's powers are shown: HB makes some Offal appear & also hits MLA with a wall of dead Cows. This is a bit out of HB's power range. The Mince is maybe stretching it a bit but I'm letting it pass since it passing under how I've generally explained his powers. But the Offal & Cow Carcasses are beyond that. HB's power of making meat appear applies to "processed" meat. The dead body of Cows has not be processed, it's just a dead animal. Now make the Cow into something: steak, hamburger patties, roast beef, etc. then Ham-Boy can make it appear. The offal being just the organ, he can't produce it. HB might be able to make Hagis appear which is organs but has been cooked/processed. Ham-Boy make pretty much what ever kind of luncheon meat you want appear, meat that needed to be processed to even exist.

NO! Well, Yes. Sonic Boom is a character of my own creation from my own stories but No to who this says he is. Sonic Boom is a supporting cast member of the Semi-Transparent Lad series. Most of his story appearances have pretty much been at the Gulp 'N Go, the convenience store when Ben Hermes (STL) works/worked. Pretty much every appearance he was seen buying lots of beer for a party he was throwing.

I'm not sure where the whole "adversary of Ham-Boy" came from since I've never had them meet & I don't know of any other story where they have met.

I'll look at amending things when I've had some sleep.

I wasn't actually going to do any more on HB's date. I think we'll leave it to the imagination unless you want to do a tie-in.




I'll take a look at this when I get the chance.

Remind me about that.

I don't recall how much we went into why Hatty's different. It's partly his character - maybe because he's the first Canadian champion of Order - but there could be more to it; or else Hatty's got it right and all these others are misusing the gift.

We'll probably look at this in more detail sometime since it's now become quite topical.

He's aware of the bigger picture, so he knows that there are other projects with better success rates. It's not his department getting canned.







I've promised myself that I'll allow myself read it when I've got 4000 words of report written.







For a while the Hood's been quite a passive force in the Parodyverse, even helping out against the Parody Master and the Carnifex. Now he's back to being the big bad, and a different kind of threat to the uber-power of some other menaces. The Hood can be just as dangerous without having ultimate power. I need to remind people of that.







Wait until she starts to fade out; but that's a story for another day.







Izzy Shapiro was Dream's first girlfriend back before he became CSFB! She died of a congenital heart condition. After Dream got his powers she returned either as a ghost or as a left-brain manifestation. She's not been around much since CSFB! married April Apple, although she has popped up doing post-mortem counselling work for a few people.




The Hood is working on turning CSFB! into an excellent and dangerous supervillain. Peter Pan becomes Captain Hook.

Another thing I thought of is Anna was created to reduce human casualties in a fight against superpowered beings - she can take on a lot by herself without soldiers getting hurt. Hodgekiss might have other priorities.





I guess I should be flattered that my new story is a reward.





I believe I joked a few times that the Psychic Samurai is likely capable of taking over the Parodyverse with no superpowers whatsoever if she really put her mind to it and simply stayed one step ahead of everyone.





Unlike Icy she might ask Faite for help first (if she can).





It still could be a manipulation.








Lara would probably scold the Hooded Hood for that, but when he's behaving like this he probably makes sure she can't find him at the asylum.

I wake up to find myself floating in a void, an all-encompassing emptiness. I’m back in my costume, and there’s no sign of CrazySugarFreakBoy’!’s Sillysuit anywhere. That’s when I notice that I’m whole, I am no longer divided.
“That would be my doing,” spoke a voice. I try to identify where it’s coming from, but it seems to come from everywhere.
“Who are you? Show yourself!” I demand. Already I’m trying to figure out what the Hooded Hood’s game is. What benefit does he get from undoing my splitting into Magistratus and CHaoticCappedCrusader?
“I’m sure the Hooded Hood would benefit from the planet not being destroyed, but his hand is not at work here,” says the voice. Okay, clearly he can read my thoughts.
“Yes, I can.”
Well then read this. I don’t like being toyed with. Show yourself.
A form coalesces in front of me, forming into a man. He has pink skin, and has no hair on his head. He’s wearing what looks almost like a version of my costume. He wears a white shirt with the same yellow diamond adorning my chest. His pants are blue and baggy, ending just below his knees. He wears a maroon cape, with a belt that looks oddly familiar. What is perhaps the most disconcerting about this being forming from nothing before me is he has no nose or mouth.
“I have long since passed the need to breathe, eat, or speak the way you do,” the being explained.
“Then how are you talking?”
“Speech is not limited to the simply way you Terrans have chosen to do so.”
“If this is going to become a primitive human bashing session, I’ll warn you now I’m not in the mood."
“It is not. Please, let me introduce myself. My name is Jabin Sirr. I was the first to wield the Serious Matter.”
This just went even more cosmic on me. Cosmic gives me headaches. And the resulting paperwork is a bear.
“Eons ago, the Lords of Order deemed it necessary to infuse agents of our universe with the Serious Matter, to act as champions of their cause. I was the first such being.”
“So why would you pull me out of their and allow the Chaos side of me to merge with my Order half? I would think the Lords of Order would want me to remain pure, as I was.”
“I, like you, am unique amongst the bearers of the Serious Matter. Unlike other bearers, we retain an important balance.” Jabin points to the diamond we wear on our chests. “The vertical points represent Order and Chaos. The horizontal represent Justice and Vengeance. We two are, as I said, unique, as we represent the Balance, between the four.” Jabin touches the center of the diamond as he says this.
“But I was told I was never meant to be a bearer of the Serious Matter. That Chaos had managed to divert the power to me to spite Order.”
“That was not Chaos’ doing. It was mine.”
“But why?”
“I was the first bearer of the Serious Matter, and as such the Lords of Order had not yet perfected the process of imbuing a physical being with the power. Future bearers would be as Order desired, loyal and completely devoted to the purging of Chaos from the cosmos.
“Though the Lords of Order have prevented me from directly interacting with the physical universe, my power is not inconsiderable after wielding the Serious Matter for so long. I was able to ensure that the Serious Matter destined for the Word’s daughter instead reached you, a being like myself, who believes in the Balance.”
“If you still maintain some sort of influence, why did you allow the Word to take control of me like that? Who knows who could have been killed when Magistratus and CHaoticCappedCrusader fought?”
“Actually, your entire planet was destroyed. You are the only survivor.”
“What?! How could you let this happen?!”
“I had to try and let things sort themselves out on their own. Every time I exert my power I risk the Lords of Order finding me. They wish nothing more than my destruction at this point. But you have a pivotal role to play, Hatman, and I could not allow you and your planet to be destroyed.”
“But you said it already has been!”
“I will send you back before that occurs. I will not be able to prevent the creation of Magistratus and CHaoticCappedCrusader, as the Lords of Order and Chaos would not easily lose such champions. However, I shall pass my Serious Matter powers to you, in your chaos form, that you may battle Magistratus. I tried to aid you in your first battle by quelling the Chaotic urges within you, but clearly that was not enough.”
“But Serious Matter can’t be transferred, can it?”
“Already I can feel the Lords of Order searching for me. I will bequeath my power to you, and pass on to the next life. I will rest easy knowing that a Champion of the Balance such as yourself remains to fight for our cause.”
“But I have so many questions about the Serious Matter, about my powers.” I look down at the Hatility Belt around my waist. “About the Belt.”
“Ah yes, the Belt.”
“I felt so lost without it, like a part of myself was missing.”
“I created the Belt many ages ago. It was a focus for my power, as I was too inexperienced to wield it as I do now. I used it to pull whatever object I may have required. As time passed, I learned to get by without it. But that was a long time, many years past the average human lifespan.”
“So you sent me the Belt after I received my powers, didn’t you?”
“That I did. It is not a tool of Order, but rather a tool of the Balance. You have reached the stage where the Belt has bonded with you. No one but you may wield it, until you pass it along to another Champion of Balance, as I gave it to you those years ago.”
Jabin shuddered, and then reoriented his gaze on me with a determined stare. “I must send you back now, the Lords of Order are nearly here.”
“But what’s to stop them from simply destroying me once you’re gone?”
“The Lords of Order and Chaos cannot act directly in the physical world. It is true that they will send champions after you, such as the Word, but you are safe from their direct power. Now then, give me your hands.”
I hold out my hands, and Jabin takes them in his. He then touches his forehead to mine, and I feel a surge of power flow through me. Then Jabin Sirr, the first Champion of Balance, is gone, and I find myself back on Earth, facing down Magistratus, the rest of my hastily assembled Abandoned Legion sprawled out on the ground.
I reach into my Belt to see if it worked, if I have my Serious Matter powers back, and even though Magistratus stands before me, I touch the familiar brim of my Steelers cap.
“Let’s finish this.”




I think this above snippet from Quest For Completion #13 can work as an explanation.




Very true.







It doesn't feel like a big change to put Garrick as the LL liaison since he's been involved with the team alot, good and bad, but it also has potential to develop Garrick's character more.







And when have the LL done anything traditionally?













Kerry's moved out, so he'd have a lot more free time now since he wouldn't need to have fire drills thrice daily.







Couple of options I'd think.

A. Someone mentions to Judge there's a suspicious group hanging about, Hatman says he'll check it out himself since he needs to stretch his legs anyway, and recognizes them (or they launch their attack directly at Hatman).

B. Since the Foundation is in a poorer section of GMY there is no cell service. When Hatman attempts to use his Communicard, he can't get through because the team is still being bombarded by angry phone calls and e-mails over CSFB!'s handling of current events.







Yo isn't naive though, s/he just chooses to look on the bright side of things.







Probably because he tore up the paper and hurled his desk at the exam proctor.

~Hat~

He's got some specific orders.







I'm now at about 2800 words. The day's been absolutely full of interruptions - and I've got a 6pm meeting to attend next.







The Hood's perspective is that there's no point in taking over the Parodyverse. Whenever he's done that it's always been a means to an end.







There's a risk there. What if Faite, with her much greater persepctive, decides that deleting Liu Xi or G-Eyed is the lesser price to pay to deal with consequences of fractured timelines?

What's funny is, he's instinctively promoting himself as the source of the problem because he's so loud and aggressive, so CSFB! and the Lair Legion is reacting to that. They have very little hierarchal organization experience. Yuki might figure out the orders are coming from somewhere, but she works her way up the chain through intimidation.

One person with lots of hierarchal organization experience might feel the opposite way: The Psychic Samurai would interpret Hodgekiss' blustery, aggressive rhetoric as meaning he's a noisy cog in a big machine, and worth only ignoring even as he demands attention. She would want to know how far up his orders go instead, and would want to talk directly to whoever is in charge.

Though preventing that right now is the fact that Chiaki doesn't feel like it's any of her business. If she speaks on behalf of the Lair Legion she's placing herself at considerable risk, and CSFB! might not even accept anything she agrees to.





I hate last-minute writer's block.








You don't see Chiaki trying to take it over, either. She doesn't really see a point.





I'm making that a much more difficult decision for Faite now that she's bonding with everyone somewhat. She might take more time to research a workaround.





That's exactly what I mean - the Hood is busy, and doesn't have time to listen to Lara talk to him.

Personally, I always like chapter breaks... even when they're intentionally manipulative and make sure to end on a point where you desperately want to know what happens next. Still, some writers don't bother with them at all... and it's hard to say what's an appropriate chapter length in the Parodyverse. I used to think 5 pages in word was pushing it in the early years of the board... now I look back and those early chapters seem much too slight.

It probably doesn't help that I've largely abandoned Word altogether after being told I was supposed to buy a new copy 2 years after last purchasing it, because I needed to replace my computer. Combined with the huge headaches of using it for work documents (where people always wanted artwork included along with game documentation, and Word is a ***** to wrangle text and photos together) I just up and dropped it. Started using Google's online word processor for my PV writing... which is nice, since it's all stored online and accessible from any computer that way.

With my recent purchase of an Ipad, I got apple's word processor, which would have made the documents I had to put together for work so easy to do that I really wanted to strangle Bill Gates. I've used a lot of document layout programs to combine text and photos, and I've never come across one that was easier and gave such good results. Now if only the damn thing was more comfortable to type on...




I suppose it would depend on who was doing the hugging. Tandi is a big hugger, as I recall... I could get behind that. Icy probably liked the idea of hugs, but the reality was likely less pleasant with him.





What are you going to do to that poor girl now? In truth, however, I have trouble seeing her as Laurie now. Even she seems to feel a major disconnect to her past. I think that's probably a blessing for her, though, so I have my doubts it will last.

I'm still curious to know what happened to Wangmundo. Not anxious for an answer... just curious.





I think Dream has it in him to be a pain-in-the-ass antagonist, but I'm not sure he can be pushed all the way to flat out villainy (if that's who the Hood is referencing.) At least not a sustainable villain... although if he loses enough of his family, I suppose I could see him going out in one tragic, chaotic act.





I figured that you didn't get permission to create him just for that cameo. I'm looking forward to finding out what side of the law he ends up fighting on. He seems nice enough, but also antagonizing...





Would this be related to the Jarvis-Cosmic? I wielded that once... So I speak from personal experience when I say that it's probably not a good idea to go messing around with that stuff.





We would have traded for Ontario, but they just wouldn't take it. And pro-wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura isn't even governor of the state any longer.





No doubt, but you could probably say that about any number of recent sections you've posted.

I'm looking forward to seeing the final line up... I know a good number of them, and have an idea about many others thanks to the images I drew for you, but I'm not really convinced that I could predict the line-up with 100% accuracy at this point. Plus, with poster participation constantly in flux, I'm not sure what last minute changes might occur.

I'm ultimately curious to see how big the line-up is, and what kind of power levels it has.





Well, if there's brain eating involved, then I do hope that it isn't Jay's alternate knight son Sir John de Jaboz. Rasputatious would probably enjoy the brain eating--nothing new for him there-- but I somehow don't think that's the direction you're going. Grace O' Mercy would be an interesting way to go, but I don't think that's in store for her...

Yeah, I have no idea.

As for who should take Amber's job if she won't come back: I say Beth Shellet worked on the current president's campaign from early on, and is rewarded with a job with the administration...

Of course, I suspect you might already have different plans for Beth's return someday.

While I agree Dream doesn't have it in him to be a long-term villain, almost every superhero has their "Dark Insert-Character-Name-Here" story arc, and I don't believe Dream has had his yet.

~Hat~

Another excellent episode. I liked the trips to Herringcarp. You did a nice job showing how unpleasant a fellow the Hooded Hood can be with his conversations with Amnesia and (especially) Icy.

The fight between Ham Boy and MLA was well done. Who knew meat could be such an effective weapon?

Hatty seems to be intruding on Vizh's niche as the man with the world's most dangerous rolodex, but since he can actually bust a few heads even without his powers, I'm guessing he won't use it with his showdown with the Frightsome Four.

I'm at a loss as to who Garrick could be visiting. Or who the next LL liasion will be. Or who's due to become the next Champion of Order. But I'm definitely looking forward to finding out.

He's doing his job as he sees it, which is to stop the LL becoming a menace.




We've never found out. There may not even be any one person.




Indeed.

And of course the internal situation isn't well known outside the Mansion.







I hate interpreting spreadsheets prepared by morons.







I'm sure he could find a use for a conversation with Lara after her meeting with Thugos.

I'm a big believer in pacing stories. It can be done by language )"He sauntered his way down towards the pool" vs "He pelted to the pool"). It can be done with sentence structure. It can be done with paragraph breaks.

On a macro-level it's done with section breaks and chapters. Section breaks usually but not always denote a change of scene, which by definition resets the readers attention. Chapter breaks best underline the conclusion of a chain of events, a theme, a significant plot point, or a cliffhanger.

I know some people don't use them or feel they're intrusive. I think they add texture to the reading experience. Even chapter titles of header quotes or "in which..." summaries can shape the reader's experience. Why ignore a valuable tool just to be trendy?




I think the length of a story, or a chapter, should be determined by the content. In the current Untold tales story, for example, each chapter in the three(?)-issue arc reflects a progression in the story and a slight shift in tone.

I also use issue breaks in Untold Tales as a pacing tool. Leaving a reader to wait for a day or a week with a situation at the back of their mind is a great way of setting up a punch for next time. it adds weight to any plot development.




I'm using Office 2000 which predates all the clever reporting home spyware and serves me very well, thanks.

But right now if he does that then he'll reform and do the same thing the next day, and the next.




I was going to call the final part of this storyline "Darker Than Orange".

It could indeed.

I'm going to email you soon with an "interview" I just wrote. It's kind of neat, but I'm not entirely sure if any of it might create problems. It will probably annoy the General a bit.





That's not likely to stop Chiaki if she wants to find out.











That's another thing - if Chiaki suddenly starts negotiating, she's going to upset CSFB! because he's no longer in command.





Aren't they all prepared by morons?





I figured he probably knew about it already, unless he's still curious about it. Though after Mysteries of Faite Part 2 he'll be able to ask Faite about it too.