“Bad Sports”


“Crime,” proclaimed Mister Bevo, “is too profitable an enterprise to leave to the riff-raff.”

The anthropomorphic steer aimed his laser pistol and fired several shots at the dodging superhero that had dared interfere with the kidnapping of the Paradopolis District Attorney, “This is why the Alumniati exits: so that the educated, the elite of America can best seize the opportunity a life of lawlessness affords.”

Alcheman hit the complex series of elemental symbols necessary to become a synthesis of polybutadiene, hydrated Silica, zinc oxide, and stearic acid; known more commonly as Zectron. Known even more commonly as the main ingredient in a Superball.

With his enhanced coefficient of restitution the Molecular Marvel was able to bounce between the blasts, caroming off the storefronts and parked cars to slowly gain on Bevo and his retreating hover platform, “I’m afraid you’re about to find that opportunity closed to you,” he said, “and the only thing you’ll be concerned about affording is a good attorney.”

“Your plebian attempt at banter fails, Alcheman. Just as your endeavor to capture me will,” the bull man thumbed a stud on the platform’s control panel. There was a whirring sound as a rocket launcher unfolded from the back of the escape craft. The automated artillery pivoted and drew a bead on the pursuing metamorph.

FWOOSH! The missile launched. With incredible dexterity Alcheman pressed the tattoos on his bicep to become solid diamond.

BOOM! The explosion sent his form sprawling backwards. If he hadn’t quickly turned himself into oxygen he would have crushed a crowd of onlookers.

Mister Bevo gave a bray of triumph and juked the hovercraft upward. He hit the fire button to the rocket launcher again, aiming for a stalled city bus, “Just a precaution,” he explained smarmily.

The criminal’s concerns were well founded. The second missile forced Alcheman to give up his plan to pursue Bevo in his ethereal form. He touched the symbol for iron three times and oxygen four to assume the properties of magnetite. Alcheman concentrated, his mind’s eye watching the domains to his atomic structure align, drawing the deadly projectile away from the bus and towards him. Then:

HE REVERSED THE POLARITY!

The rocket abruptly turned skyward, seeking out the fleeing hover platform.

SHAKA-BOOOM! Mister Bevo’s escape craft bloomed into an explosion. Its pilot was launched even higher in the air from the blast. Again Alcheman hit a succession of symbols o his arm to convert himself to solid rocket fuel and jetted after him.

“Consider your horns hooked, felon,” Michael quipped as he caught up to his opponent just as gravity brought a halt to his ascension.

SKREEEEEE!! From seemingly nowhere another costumed figure joined the melee. The avian attacker swooped down and struck the back of Alcheman’s head with a well placed knee, before pumping his wings and catching hold of Mister Bevo.

“Impeccable timing, Mister Herky,” the bovine themed malcontent nodded as he grabbed onto the hawk man’s tail, “Now, our egress.”

Alcheman’s eyes narrowed behind his domino mask, “If you think a man I a bird suit can outrace me, you are- what?!”

Shimmering into view above the combatants was a large air ship of similar design to Bevo’s hover craft. Its cargo bay hatch lowered, revealing a sinister looking conifer. Bevo and Herky landed beside him

“Against the Alumniati, Alcheman, you’re hopelessly outclassed,” Mister Stanford shouted before he began to spin like a giant top.

FFT! FFT! FFT! FFT! FFT! FFT! FFT! FFT! FFT! FFT! FFT! FFT! FFT! FFT! FFT! FFT!

Scores of slim needles sprayed from the evergreen, riddling the Chemical Crimefighter with holes. The hero was forced to revert to a more structurally sound composition to avoid disintegration.

THOOM! His titanium body smashed to the pavement. By the time he looked up the villains were nowhere in sight.

“Curious,” Michael mused. He would make one more attempt to search for the strange vehicle and its occupants, but would find nothing. It was clear these new players were well-equipped and resourceful. It would take more than sheer power to bring them in.

It would take knowledge.

Next: A Little Learning…..

Now that's the stuff... Always glad to see more of Alcheman's adventures, and this was a surprisingly adventurous chapter. A very well executed battle scene loaded with fun trappings. I enjoyed the anthropomorphic villains, the tree attack was an especially nice touch.

It took me a while to work out "Alumniati" (I'm sad to admit that I didn't know that "Herky" was the Hawkeye's name), but once I did I loved the idea. Can I assume that Mr. Bevo leading them is meant to remind us of the Zodiac? I look forward to seeing the other members.

Those ESPN mascot commercials are never going to feel the same again.

Thank you.




It is meant to be a Parodyverse version of the Zodiac. I've wanted to do one for a while, but really couldn't come up with a viable theme. I almost used Beanie Babies.





This is true.

Fantastic new villains too. And great to see a new Alcheman story by you - you do this so well.

Looking forward to more on these strange fellows.

The Robin Hood one. I plan on reading it this weekend.

There's still a few typos in there, and one typesetting error where the first line of the next section is appended to the end of the previous one. They ommitted the dedication page. Most seriously from a story point of view, they omitted the map, which makes additional sense of the geography and movements of the story.

Here it is:

Thirty pages in and I'm enjoying it so far. Its a shame that both the dedications page and the map were omitted. As a history buff I'm quite enjoying the footnotes.