Adventures in Parodyverse:  The House Always Wins, Part 2


    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why am I up so early again?”  Yuki Shiro groaned as she rode her bike, unusually slowly, to the front of the Lair Mansion.  She met Hatman there, who was waiting for her when she arrived.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Budgeting meeting.”  Hatman summarized.  “Where is Dream?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not even a leader of the Lair Legion.”  Yuki protested further.  “Why can’t you and Dream do the budgeting?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“For one thing, he’s not here.”  he pointed out.  “For another, he can’t really wrap his head around this kind of stuff.  It’s not enough of an adrenaline rush.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why am I up so early again?”  Yuki repeated.

    Hatman laughed.  Yuki always could make him laugh.  “Come on, Yuki, you know you can do this.  The Librarian, Al B Harper, and Hallie are waiting inside, we have all our best analytical minds on this.  We have to find a way to reopen the Lair Mansion.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well if that’s the point, mind if I invite one more to the party?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sure.”  Jay replied, trusting Yuki implicitly.  “Go ahead.”

    Yuki stood and walked to the door, and as she did, Hatman could tell she had already planned to invite guests whether he wanted or not.


---


    Lara Night slept like a stone.  She wasn’t physically injured when her memory was taken from her, but her body nonetheless sensed trauma and behaved accordingly.  When she awoke is was just past noon.

    She shuffled into the living room, certain that Jay had gone out to start his day long ago, and she expected to be alone.  She was wrong, however - an Asian woman was in the living room, snacking on cashews and watching television.  Propped against one arm of the couch was a Samurai sword.  She remembered Jay mentioning her, and the name Chiaki, last night.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Chiaki, right?”  Lara asked.

    Surprisingly, though the Asian didn’t seem to see Lara enter the room, she didn’t turn around surprised by the sound of her voice.  “Yes.”  she replied, finally slowly turning to look.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Jay sent you to keep an eye on me, eh?”  Lara guessed.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“He did.”  

    Chiaki stood.  Lara noticed then she wore a red and black sweater, jeans, and short black leather boots.  And that while Lara wasn’t very tall herself, Chiaki was much shorter.  It looked a little amusing, that this supposedly skilled Samurai didn’t look at all intimidating close up.  Except for the sword, maybe.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think I should take you on a little tour.”  the Samurai said.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Are you sure?”  Lara asked.  “I mean, is it safe?”

    Chiaki nodded.  “You’re always safe with me.  Shower and get dressed, I will have lunch waiting when you’re done.”


---


    Lara came out of the shower, fully dressed in worn jeans, a long sleeved turtleneck, and white canvas sneakers.  Her hair was still damp, but she remember Chiaki mentioning lunch, and she was curious.

    When she emerged in the living room, and glanced toward the kitchen, she saw that Chiaki had just completed a sushi roll and was expertly yet quickly slicing it into pieces.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You can make sushi?”  Lara asked her, wide-eyed.

    The Asian Samurai looked up and smirked.  “Jay told me you enjoy it.”  Her voice was very lightly accented, but she spoke perfect English - quickly and smoothly.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Enjoy it?  Can you please move in with us?”  the blonde joked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Too much of anything is not good.”  Chiaki said as she washed off the knives quickly.  It was amazing to watch how she handled a blade, any blade.  She knew how to run her hand alongside the sharp edge so she could use it, or in this case clean it, quickly without being hurt.  “Including me.”

    She sat down at the breakfast table and placed the plate of sushi, a handful of chopsticks, and some soy sauce.  Chiaki then asked, “Do you understand why the Hooded Hood took your memory?”

    Lara shook her head as she tasted the first piece of sushi.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Neither does Jay, or the Lair Legion.”  Chiaki told her.  “Personally, I believe he is testing us all.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Testing?  Why would he be?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Because it’s what he always does,”  the Samurai responded with a shrug.  “I think he wants to see if the Lair Legion can earn you all over again.  He’s going to throw tests your way, to cultivate dissatisfaction, so you will question if the Lair Legion are indeed your friends.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah?”  she asked.

    Chiaki nodded.  “As I said, it’s what he does.  I was asked to protect and guide you, so I’m giving you information as well as physical protection.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re friends with them too, though, so you have a vested interest.”  Lara pointed out.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I do.”  Chiaki nodded.  “But I also have nothing to lose for being honest.  Whichever side you end up on, I will still help you.  I fear neither the Hooded Hood nor the Lair Legion.  I also know you have very good instincts on who to like and trust.”

    Lara smiled.  “I kind of like you.”  she said.  “Being around you is like...meditating.”

    Chiaki finally laughed.  “I hear that so much from friends of mine.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“So what do you have planned for me?”  Lara asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“As I said, I will take you on a little tour.”  Chiaki replied.  “You’re going to learn a lot today.”


---


    Yuki entered the Lair Legion meeting room again, followed by two people she invited.  Actually, she only invited the one, but the other came with her.

    Detective Vicky Cameron glanced around the room, holding on to a strong cup of coffee, looking sour at having to be awake so early.  Her partner, Jack Burns, didn’t seem the least bit disturbed by it.  Vicky helped out the Lair Legion in the past, and didn’t want to see it dissolve - so she came to Yuki’s aid when asked.

    Hatman watched the spectacle, as did the rest of the Lair Legion.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“So, let’s see what we got.”  Vicky asked softly, trying her best to be polite around the Lair Legion.  She approached the table, getting right to business.

    Yuki handed the blonde her own folder, since there was only one copy per Legionnaire invited to the meeting.  Vicky sat down and began reading as the meeting began.  Jack sat across the table and said nothing.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“She’s a detective.”  Yuki explained to Hatman finally.  “Who better to help us find money?”

    He shrugged, unable to decide whether to be annoyed or amused.  He had a meeting to run though, so he didn’t want to spend too much time deciding.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yuki convinced me to lease out some patents.”  Al B Harper moaned.  “Even though it flies in the face of everything pure science stands for.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Pure science doesn’t pay bills.”  Yuki pointed out.  “Besides, that’s how Enty funded us for so long.  Why not cut out the middleman and do the same thing ourselves directly?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think that’s an excellent idea.”  Hatman chimed in.  “It’s really up to you though, Al.  They’re your ideas, don’t feel you have to sell them just to help the Lair Legion, or because Yuki says so.”

    Al B Harper mumbled a reluctant, “It’s no problem, really.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m giving up something for that too.”  Yuki added.  “Some of the designs of my artificial body are part of it.  It means I might not be unique for too long.”

    Hatman stood up, took a deep breath and said, “I’m going to follow in Lara’s footsteps and start doing public service announcements for TV.  It won’t earn as much as Al B’s patents, but it’s something.  I’m not going to require anyone else to do the same--”

    CrazySugarFreakBoy! interrupted him in mid-sentence by bounding into the meeting while Hatman was speaking.  “I got you both beat!  Rocket Fuel Soda and half my cool gadgets are already in stores, and I’m doing the commercials!”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“The yo-yo too?”  Yuki asked.  “Dream, someone’s going to get killed--”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Chill, Yuki, they’re not exactly the same.”  CSFB! corrected.  “They’re just toys.”

    Visionary stood and cleared his throat, looking nervous before he spoke.  “I talked to Enty.”  he said.  “We came up with the idea that um...instead of just paying money to us, he should invest some of it instead.  That way, soon a fairly large amount of our funding can come from dividends instead of cash, even if something happens to him or his companies.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s pretty good, Vizh.”  Yuki said, patting him on the back.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah, not bad.”  Hatman congratulated him too.

    Visionary smiled with satisfaction, and sat back down.  Except his chair was missing, so he fell straight to the floor.  CSFB! laughed uncontrollably, and Yuki rolled her eyes.

    Anna had been standing idly off to the side, watching the meeting.  She gently pried Visionary’s chair from CSFB! and frowned at him, and then slid the chair back in place.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Thanks, Anna.”  Visionary mumbled.  He sat down and slumped forward, sulking that his moment in the limelight didn’t last.

    Then Visionary fell to the floor again, as Flapjack ripped out the chair from beneath him while he was still sitting in it.

    Everyone glared at Flapjack.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?”  the hunchback servant asked, pointing at CSFB!.  “It was funny when he did it!”

    Anna quietly took the chair back again.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Can I at least be flogged by her for it?”  he asked.  Nobody listened.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Guys, can we stop the pranks already?”  Hatman requested.  “This is supposed to be a serious meeting.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah, and it’s going on too long, and becoming boring.”  CSFB! noted.  “If I didn’t make Vizh fall on his ass, he’d be falling asleep instead.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Point taken.”  Hatman replied plainly.  “Any last comments?  From our guest, perhaps?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Huh?”  Vicky suddenly looked up, and noticed everyone looking at her.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“See?  Toldya.”  CSFB! gloated.

    Vicky ignored him, and spoke up anyway.  “Why don’t you do like the White House and let people with lots of money pay to spend a night here?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s not bad.”  Yuki admitted.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’ll consider it.”  Hatman diplomatically replied.  “If there’s nothing else--”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Meeting adjourned!”  CSFB! announced, slamming a huge colorful plastic mallet against the table with a horrible high-pitched squeak.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where did he get that?”  Yuki asked Hatman as the Legionnaires began exiting the meeting room.

    He shrugged.  “I don’t even ask anymore.”

    
---


Adventures in Parodyverse:  The House Always Wins, Part 3


    Chiaki stopped her Jaguar outside of Herringcarp Asylum.  She parked in one of the 30-minute visitor spaces, implying that she had no intention of staying longer than that.  She wore leather gloves and a jacket due to the chilly weather.

    In the passenger seat was Lara Night, bundled in a heavier jacket.  Being from California, she wasn’t used to chilly weather.  She wore thin ski gloves borrowed from Chiaki, and kept her hands in her jacket pockets even though the car was warm.  Partly because she was a little worried.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What are we here?”  Lara asked, unaware of what the huge, gothic building complete with gargoyles was, or what it symbolized.  Aside from the sign outside that indicated it was a mental institution.  “You don’t think I’m unstable, do you?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No.”  Chiaki laughed.  “We’re visiting someone.  The man who took your memories.”

    All of the color flushed out of Lara’s face.  “Wh...what?  Why?  What if he tries to kill me this time?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“He won’t.”  Chiaki reassured her.  “He wants you alive, or you would already be dead.  Besides, if he tries anything, I can always remove his head from his neck.”

    While Chiaki’s sense of humor wasn’t all that reassuring, her presence was at least.  Lara knew she wouldn’t be alone, whatever happens, and that Chiaki was a reliable and loyal person as far as she knew.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I want you to keep your hand on my shoulder at all times.”  Chiaki told Lara.  “This place is full of traps, and they will attempt to separate us.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“They?”  Lara was confused that Chiaki referred to it almost as if it were a person, not a building.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s both haunted, and imbued with so many retcons that it has developed a will of its own.”  the Samurai told her.  “Except it also bends to the will of the Hooded Hood.  He often attempts to make it difficult to see him.”

    Lara did as asked, rested her hand on Chiaki’s left shoulder, and began following her.  “Wait...so why are we doing this, then?”

    Chiaki stopped and turned around, with a clearly serious look on her face.  “Lara, this is not the time for doubts.  You must see him, you must confront him.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why?”  Lara asked.  She wasn’t all that fearful anymore, but she was reluctant to get herself in more trouble.

    Chiaki explained simply with, “Because it is the shortest road to understanding.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is, indeed.”

    The Hooded Hood sat before them in a large, high-ceilinged, dark room that caused his rather creepy voice to echo off of the crumbling walls and ceiling.  They had just appeared there, from some random hallway in Herringcarp Asylum.  He sat in a golden throne, leaned back with his fingers steepled.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You have a sense of humor, I see.”  Chiaki noted.

    The Hooded Hood raised an eyebrow.  “You, Samurai, are the reason I brought the two of you here.  The usual traps are simply a waste of resources for someone who can see them ahead of time.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Your nickname isn’t just...?”  Lara started to ask Chiaki.

    The Samurai glanced at her, carefully giving her a look with those dark eyes which told the blonde that she should know the answer to that, memory loss or no.

    Then Chiaki told the Hooded Hood, “I apologize for wasting your time, I will try to keep this brief so I will not waste too much more of it.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Very polite,”  the Cowled Crime Czar noted.  “You want something from me.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Answers.”  Chiaki switched to being quick and to the point.  “My friend has questions for you.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Questions I cannot answer.”  he pointed out.  “Such knowledge is the very reason I erased her memory in the first place.”  He looked at Lara and added, “You used to be so outspoken.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I still am.”  Lara replied.  “I just thought Chiaki was doing a pretty good job talking already.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Indeed.”  The Hooded Hood agreed.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why did you meet with me so eagerly if you can’t tell me anything?”  Lara asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Closure.”  he replied.  “In the simplest possible terms.  Now you will know there are questions I cannot answer.  However, what I did was as much for the good of this universe as it was for my own benefit.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then tell me about the good of the universe, so I’ll understand.”  Lara prodded further.

    The Hooded Hood leaned back and smiled.  “Even with your memory loss, you know the right questions.”  he complimented.  “Very well, Miss Night.  You see, I am currently playing a game.  A very dangerous game.  Those who discover it are both in grave danger, and interfere with my plan for success.  I have therefore chosen to play hands that take others out of the game.  The consequences to you simply happened to be much more apparent than to most.”

    Lara glanced at Chiaki, who nodded approvingly.  “I think I understand,”  the blonde responded with a sigh.  “If you hadn’t done this I could have been fighting for my friends, for my own life.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you would not succeed.”  the Archvillain warned.  “This way was chosen so that you would concentrate on what’s closer to you, rather than greater matters that would have led to harm to yourself.  It is the one and only gift I will ever give you.  Some day, I will expect one in return.”

    With that, there was a green flash, and the Hooded Hood was gone.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s his way of saying he’s done talking.”  Chiaki joked.  “And that you owe him.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sounds scary.”  Lara noted.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is.”  the Samurai told her in a very clinical way.  “It’s unbelievably scary.  Someday the Hooded Hood will ask a favor of you, and you will have no choice but to agree.  Or he will return to your life the horrors he has spared you.”


---


    Lara rode silently in passenger side of Chiaki’s Jaguar.  She watched the world go by quickly as they sped back toward the city from the isolated Herringcarp Asylum.

    Chiaki seemed to know what Lara was thinking, but gave her enough time to ponder it before speaking up.  Finally, the Samurai chimed in.  

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Don’t be so worried about it,”  she said quietly as she drove, and glanced at Lara through dark, slim sunglasses.  “It’s really just the Hooded Hood’s way to say he respects you.”

    Lara turned to stare at Chiaki.  “That doesn’t make much sense.”

    The Asian laughed, and then explained.  “He has to fear you a little to respect you.  Then he conquers that fear by playing a game of chess with you, finding a way to handicap you.  If he paints you into a corner it means you’re worthy of his attention.  It’s a high compliment.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh.”  Lara mumbled.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Each one of the Lair Legion has been complimented by the Hooded Hood similarly.”  Chiaki went on.

    
    The blonde looked at her again.  “And you?”

    Chiaki laughed again.  “You saw how we jousted with words at the asylum.  He’s still playing his game of chess with me.  Someday he’ll likely beat me.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sounds like you enjoy it.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“A little,”  she admitted with a smile.  “It’s kind of interesting how he blinds my senses by creating more possibilities than I can manage to think through.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Chiaki...what do you know about this supposed trouble I got into before my memory was wiped?”  Lara asked.  “I mean...can you tell me instead of the Hooded Hood?”

    The Psychic Samurai pulled over to the side of the road and stared at Lara Night a little coldly.  “Set aside your desperation, Lara, and think about what the Hooded Hood said.  Then think carefully about what you want to ask me.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I--”  Lara starred to say, almost snapping back.  But then she changed her mind and responded more quietly and patiently instead.  “I...don’t want to be a charity case.  I don’t want people to have to hold my hand because I don’t understand anymore.”

    The Asian’s expression softened ever so slowly and gently, and she sighed.  “Lara, my senses don’t tell me everything.  My confidence comes not from knowledge, but from knowing I am ready for whatever comes my way.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Doesn’t...that make you afraid sometimes?”  Lara asked, quite obviously referring to herself.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“All the time.”  Chiaki replied honestly.  “I live in a world where I’m surrounded by dangerous men with guns, and even more dangerous men with super powers.  All I have is my instincts, my reflexes, and a sword.  Of course I am afraid.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I see.”  Lara whispered sadly.  She felt a little bad for the Samurai now.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’d trade it all for your gifts.”  she added.  “To have the power to be unafraid, if I so dared.”

    Lara replied, “There’s always someone more powerful, you know.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Someone yes, but not everyone.”  Chiaki pointed out.  “I wake up every morning knowing there’s a good chance it could be my last.  I long to ask for protection, but...I suppose I have too much pride to do so.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Are you...asking me...?”  Lara asked.

    There was a long pause while Chiaki stared at the steering wheel of her Jaguar and pondered her response.  Finally, she said, “Yes.  I would be grateful beyond anything I can possibly offer you.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You can help me when I’m afraid of burdening people with my lack of knowledge.”  Lara offered with a smile.  “That way we’re giving each other the same thing, more or less.”

    Chiaki started driving again.  “It’s a deal.”  she said.
    

-- Story written and copyrighted (C) 2010 by Jason Froikin, and may not be 
--    reprinted without permission.  
-- Yuki Shiro designed by Jason Froikin, based on designs by Masamune Shirow
--  Liu Xi Xian and the Psychic Samurai are original design by Jason Froikin
--  Lara Night is an original creation by Jason Froikin

I have a back-up plan, but it involves $437 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets, and *may* not be foolproof.

Interesting meeting between Lara and the Hood. Lara and Chiaki would make for a fun cop show... Kind of Cagney and Lacey with godlike power and samurai skills.

Hmmmm... NBC is looking for new 10 o'clock shows, right?

They only want cheap-to-make crappy reality shows.

Some good stuff here.

Don't worry if UT#334 seems to contradict it; it doesn't.