Adventures in Parodyverse:  Falling On Hard Times, Part 5


    The Lair Mansion seemed empty occupied by just one man and his servant.  That’s how it was the last few days - the Hooded Hood managed to purchase the Lair Mansion from the cash-strapped Lair Legion for its value in liens, and hire Flapjack.

    He would have continued to be alone if Sir Mumphrey Wilton hadn’t come to the mansion to warn the Hood that he would be taking it back, and thrashing him as well.  Not one to take threats well, the Hooded Hood summoned Hatman and Lara Night from the Zero Street Mission while they were in the middle of helping Mac Fleetwood serve lunch to the homeless.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why was I brought here?”  Lara asked.  “I’m not even in the Lair Legion.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sir Mumphrey was about to forget his manners.”  the Hooded Hood explained.  “In the presence of a lady, however...”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Blighter!”  Sir Mumphrey growled more quietly.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Perhaps your attention would be better served elsewhere.”  the Hooded Hood warned Sir Mumphrey.  “You left your granddaughter alone at the Excelsior Hotel, safe in your suite.  The very same hotel Tom Black has gone to find you.”

    The Hooded Hood waved his hand, and an avatar of the Portal of Pretentiousness appeared.  He knew better than to tote around the original after what his son tried to do to it.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh, look.”  The Hood teased Mumph even further.  “He doesn’t even need to ask for the room number.  The computer quite handily tells him everything he needs to know, when he uses those glowing orbs.”

    Sir Mumphrey started turning beet red until Lara held up a finger in his direction, urging him to wait a moment.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And Boaz,”  the Hood continued.  “I believe while you were not at the Lair Mansion, Miss Zarazoza came looking for you.  My servant was forced to tell her you weren’t here.”

    He turned toward the portal avatar again.  “It’s for the best, I suppose.  She stopped by to deliver bad news.”

    The Portal showed an image of Zdenka running into Mark Carnifax, who politely asked her to dinner.  She nodded enthusiastically, looking a little starstruck.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“He’s so charming to women.”  the Hood noted.  “Earth’s greatest hero.  How could she turn him down?”

    He looked at a quickly angering Hatman, and smirked.  Then he glanced at Lara.  “Do you have something to say, Miss Night?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes.”  she replied cooly.  “Those are just possible futures, Winkleweald.  None of it has happened yet.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“The lady is correct.”  The Hooded Hood leaned back in his throne, which was a moment ago, a wooden chair.  “Which means you’re wasting valuable time focusing your anger on me...when you can better use your energy.  Saving your granddaughter, Sir Mumphrey.  Or stopping Zdenka before she meets the Carnifax, Boaz.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Which leaves me to kick you out of the mansion.”  Lara surprisingly pointed out.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Ah, but it was complicated indeed to find something to occupy your attention Miss Night.”  the Hooded Hood chuckled.  “I’m aware that unlike Mr Boaz and Sir Mumphrey, you do have the flexibility to be nearly in two places at once.  So I was force to, as they say, lay it on thick.”

    He waved his hand, and the portal showed a robed cult, sitting in a circle, chanting at a fire that was burning blue flame.  They looked familiar, especially the flags.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Liu Xi’s cult.”  Lara whispered.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Somehow they were given the idea that resurrecting Marvellous Marv to lead them will help them achieve their purpose.  They’re very close now.  Then they will proceed to capture their Goddess Liu Xi to learn from her.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Join hands.”  Lara told Hatman and Sir Mumphrey.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What for?”  Jay asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Eh?”  Sir Mumphrey said.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just do it!”  she snapped at both of them.  She took Sir Mumphrey’s hand in her left, and Hatman’s in her right.  Then she turned her attention to the Hooded Hood.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“All right, smartass.”  she seethed through clenched teeth.  “You wanted to see what I’m really capable of?  You got it.”

    Lara pulled Hatman and Sir Mumphrey closer to the Hooded Hood, and raised her foot, planting it on the Hood’s shoulder, pinning him against the throne so he couldn’t escape it easily.  There was a bright flash of light, and then the Lair Legion Library was empty.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I knew I should have sent out more resumes.”  Flapjack said, shaking his head.


---


    Somewhere on an island in the Pacific, the Hooded Hood fell out of a bright flash of light a few feet above the cult trying to resurrect Marvellous Marv.  His throne fell into the blue fire, extinguishing it, and he fell to the ground a couple of feet away.

    When he stood, and began dusting himself off, the cult was armed with weapons, and glowing with elemental power.  They looked angry.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Clever young lady.”  he whispered to himself.  His eyes glowed green, and the cult members suddenly forgot that they knew each other.  Just as they turned on one another, the Hooded Hood’s eyes glowed again, and he vanished.


---


    Somewhere in Off-Central Park, Mark Carnifax was going for a walk.  He turned around when he heard a woman in sneakers running toward him.  Just as he looked, the blonde yelled, “Mark!”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes?”  he asked, showing his best charming smile, and tucking his hands in his jeans pockets.

    Lara Night smiled too.  “You remember me, right?”  she asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah.”  he replied calmly, still smiling.  “You were a real challenge to talk to.  Not like most other girls I meet.”

    She giggled, and shrugged.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re beautiful though,”  he said, “So maybe you deserve a second chance to make a first impression, eh?  How about dinner tonight?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sure, okay.”  Lara replied.  “Somewhere neutral, though.  No offense, your place makes me a little uneasy.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No problem, nothing but the best.”  He pointed through a gap in the trees to a nice restaurant, one of very few five-star establishments in the city.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Can you get a reservation?”  she asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I don’t need one.”  he boasted.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Okay.”  she said with a slight laugh and a smile.  “I’ll...meet you there then.  What time?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Eight?”  he asked.

    She nodded.  “Eight it is.  I’ll see you there.”

    Mark continued on with his walk.  His head was in the clouds, so he barely noticed Zdenka Zarazoza walking the opposite way.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You owe me big.”  Lara told Jay Boaz, poking him in the chest as she did.  “Now go talk to Zdenka.  By now, Mumph probably needs my help.”


---


    The lobby of the Excelsior hotel was complete chaos.  Sir Mumphrey had just whacked Tom Black on the noggin as Tom bragged to himself on the way to the elevator about being invincible thanks to those glowing orbs.  Tom stumbled backward and fell onto a cluster of chairs.

    Anna raced in like a blur, grabbed Tom Black by the collar, and while he begged her not to, she threw him hard against the support pillar hard enough to shatter its facade.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I warned you not to mess with the kids!”  Anna threatened him.  But he didn’t hear her, because he was already slumped over, unconscious.  Caught completely by surprise, ambushed twice, he never had a chance to summon the orbs or defend himself.

    Sir Mumphrey gave Lara a confused look.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?”  she said.  “Cell phones count as power.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We may have won the day.”  Sir Mumphrey noted sadly, “But the Hooded Hood still has the Lair Mansion.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I wouldn’t be too sure about that,”  Yuki Shiro said as she dangled a rumpled piece of paper in front of him.  “Remember, I told you I was taking Anna downtown to get documentation?  I may have just stopped by the courthouse.  Or should I say, snuck in.”

    Lara took the piece of paper.  It was the title transfer for the Lair Mansion.  “I don’t think Jay will let you do this.”  she said.  “He’d say it’s stealing.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not if we cancel the financial transaction.”  Anna pointed out.  She smirked, and tapped the side of her own head with her finger.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah, sometimes victories can be won without fists.”  Yuki said.  “Just not the best ones.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I did just beat the Hooded Hood without a single punch.”  Lara told Yuki.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Good for you, Lara.”  Yuki cheered her on.  She sighed.  “I miss the Lair Legion being together.”


TO BE CONTINUED?
    

-- Story written and copyrighted (C) 2009 by Jason Froikin, and may not be 
--    reprinted without permission.  
-- Yuki Shiro designed by Jason Froikin, based on designs by Masamune Shirow
--  Liu Xi Xian and the Psychic Samurai are original design by Jason Froikin
--  Lara Night is an original creation by Jason Froikin