Adventures in Parodyverse:  Falling On Hard Times, Part 1


    It all started with a meeting of the United Nations Security Council.

    There had been growing public dissatisfaction with collateral human and property damage in super hero fights.  With most countries, after years of dependence on super beings, finally developing their own countermeasures, it was only a matter of time before things came to a head.

    On the evening of November 30th, 2009, they finally did.

    As usual, the Security Council meeting was just a preface to a much larger vote, a much larger story.  On that date, it was voted that Earth’s famed Lair Legion would no longer be protected by U.N. Charter, and instead, its members would fall into the jurisdiction of its member States.

    Immediately following, the morning of December 1st, an emergency meeting of the Lair Legion was called.

    Present was Hatman, CrazySugarFreakBoy! - along with him, April Alice Apple - and Yuki Shiro, Hallie, Visionary, Nats, Al B Harper, and one non-Legion guest, the Psychic Samurai.  Flapjack was invited to attend as well.  Notably absent were non-members Lara Night, who was off-world, and Liu Xi Xian, who was in class at Paradopolis University.  Anna sat in on the meeting as well, as the topic concerned her too.  The Librarian was absent as well.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I guess you all saw what happened on TV.”  Hatman opened the meeting with.

    Everyone nodded except CSFB!.  Instead, he said, “I was too busy to watch TV.”  He glanced at April behind him with a huge grin.

    Yuki summarized quickly.  “The United Nations decided we’re all under the jurisdiction of the U.S., meaning we can be prosecuted now for casualties while doing hero stuff, and we can’t just march across borders anymore.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not to mention simply gathering here, possibly living here, puts us at risk.  And there’s another problem--”  Hatman pointed out.  He looked very stern, and a little sad, as he said that.  He swallowed like he was unable to continue - instead, he looked at Chiaki Bushido.

    The Samurai rose smoothly, and looked at all the Lair Legionnaires.  She had a lot of practice delivering bad news, and did so with very little emotion.  “The Lair Legion is broke.”  she said plainly.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?”  Yuki asked.  Even she had been surprised by the news.

    Chiaki continued.  “NTU-150’s corporations were hit hard by the recession.  He is using much of his wealth to stabilize them, so he can’t afford to fund us any longer.  Much of our other funding came from hidden defense budgets from various countries, via the U.N., none of which are eager to support us any longer.”

    There was an icy silence as Chiaki sat down quietly.

    Finally, Hatman spoke up again.  “I know we all dreaded this day,”  he said.  “We don’t have to stop being heroes, or even being friends.  We don’t really have to stop being Lair Legion.  But we should, at least vote on whether to dissolve.  At least publicly.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That is partly why I’m here.”  Chiaki said.  “To witness your vote for or against dissolution.”

    CSFB! stood, after he looked sheepish, like he was going to balk at speaking at first.  He turned around and looked at April again.  “I um...don’t know how to tell you guys this, but I’ve kinda been thinking about moving out of the mansion anyway.  I’ve kinda known for a while that me, April, and Betty make some of you uncomfortable.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And I have a ghost cab company to run.”  Nats piped up.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ve been killing myself trying to keep EEE profitable.”  Al B Harper added.  “Splitting my time between the Lair Mansion, EEE, and my work at my cabin...even I can’t be in three places at once.  Yet.”

    Visionary stood, and cleared his throat.  “As you all know, I probably love the Lair Legion more than anyone.  But as you also know, I’ve lived outside of it for a while now.  I hate to say it, guys, but maybe the writing is on the wall...”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“The Librarian has already moved out, he spends most of his time at the Moon Public Library now.”  Yuki said.  “He also gave Anna a membership and said she can stay if she likes.  Not sure why, since I didn’t think the Library had guest rooms.”

    Hatman looked around the table.  “So it’s just me, Yuki, Flapjack, Hallie, and maybe Anna that will have trouble.”

    This time it was Anna’s turn to speak.  She stood up, and raised the laptop that she brought with her.  “See this?  It’s nearly as powerful as Hallie’s servers.  She’s been living in a relic.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hey!”  Hallie protested.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No, seriously.”  Anna persisted, passing her the laptop.  “Thanks to slipping standards of Chinese suppliers it’s getting tougher to find reliable and powerful hardware to upgrade Hallie’s systems.  All the best tech is in portability nowadays.  Hard-wired Broadband is being replaced by wireless--”

    Yuki became impatient and chimed in, “--so we made Hallie a new body.  A present to her and Visionary.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Wait...What?”  Visionary asked, confused.  “Didn’t her last one get stolen and destroyed?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s why this one’s simpler.”  Anna said.  “Instead of being based on Yuki’s...no offense, but higher maintenance technology...it’s instead based on my self repairing zero maintenance technology.  Every part of it will be signed to work only with Hallie’s--”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“--that stuff isn’t important.”  Yuki interrupted again.  “The point is, it’s like the laptop version of Hallie with Wifi and 4G.  She can live where she chooses now.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And she told me she wished she could live with Visionary, but the links to the light house were unreliable when it relocated every once in a while.”  Anna said.  “That’s why Yuki and I made this.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I don’t know, guys.”  Hallie protested.

    Chiaki chimed in with, “You don’t really have a choice, Hallie, I’m sorry.  Think of it more as an eviction notice than an upgrade.  The bill for your Lair Mansion internet connection is a several months late, and it’s only a matter of time before they cut you off.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh.”  Hallie realized sadly.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What about Anna, Yuki, and Flapjack?”  Hatman asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ve already applied for another job.”  Flapjack said.  “Six months ago.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Wait...What?”  Hatman said.

    Yuki ignored that, and said, “I still have half my stuff at Al B Harper’s place.  I guess I could stay there.”

    Hallie finally composed herself well enough to add, “I guess Anna could stay with me and Visionary, to help me get used to the new, um, home.  At least for a while, until she decides what she wants to do.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hey, the lighthouse is getting crowded enough...OOF!”  Visionary’s sentence ended suddenly when Hallie forcefield elbowed him in the ribs.

    Hatman looked sad suddenly as a realization came to him.  “So everyone planned for this but me, eh?  I’m the only one who doesn’t have a place to go?”

    Chiaki looked at him and smiled.  “I have just the place for you.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No, I don’t want to freeload off of you, Chiaki.”  he protested.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You won’t be.”  she said.  “It’s a small apartment building, newly remodeled, in a place you’ll have to work to keep it safe and full of renters.  Just the thing for you.”

    She unfolded a piece of paper and passed it to him.  The building was almost next door to the Zero Street Mission.  She shrugged, and said, “I hear you enjoy lost causes.”

    Hatman shook his head and pushed the paper away.  “I...can’t take this from you, Chiaki.  I need to make my own way.”

    Chiaki almost angrily pushed it back.  “You have been turning down gifts from me for years, Jay.  Take this one, please...it’s for me as much as it’s for you.  I don’t want to have to worry about you.  Besides, I’ve been having difficulty profiting from that particular place.  Either you take it, or I sell it at a huge loss.  And I hate losing.”

    He picked up the piece of paper slowly, and looked at it again.  “Can...I think about it?”  he asked.

    Chiaki nodded and smiled.  “Yes.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“So...meeting adjourned, then?”  Yuki asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“One more thing.”  Hatman said as everyone stood and prepared to leave.  He held up his Lair Legion Comm-Card.  “Just remember, we’re still Lair Legion, we still have these.  Don’t feel like it’s all over.  This is just a change of venue.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah, we’re operating in secret now.”  Yuki added as a smile appeared on her face.  “It’s kind of cool, isn’t it?”


---


    During the earlier meeting, Lara Night was off-world, and therefore out of contact.  It was Liu Xi Xian who alerted Hatman when she returned - Lara met the Chinese elementalist and Vinnie De Soth for lunch after classes.

    When Hatman caught up to her, she was on a new swingset in a quiet section of Off-Central Park, looking down at first, with the autumn wind was blowing her hair.  She wore dark blue jeans, white and pink sneakers, and a black leather jacket over a pale pink long sleeved shirt.  Once she finally looked up, she smiled.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hey.”  Lara said as soon as he was close enough to hear her.  She slid off of the swing and walked toward him.  “I heard about the meeting this morning.  Sorry I missed it, I had to make an appearance at home.”

    He didn’t say much, but he started walking.  Since Lara was used to walking with him, she kept up beside him.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“So what brought this all about?”  she asked.

    He took off his baseball cap and stuck it in his waistband, and ruffled up his flattened hair.  “I was falling way behind on paperwork,”  he said.  “Chiaki offered to help.  She is so unbelievably efficient, and she’s a fast reader.  Got through a few days’ worth in an afternoon.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well she’s psychic, she probably knows what most of it is before she finishes.”  Lara pointed out.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah, probably.”  he agreed with a laugh.  “Anyway she discovered that we had something of a budget shortfall, and a few overdue bills.  I called Enty, and he said sorry, hit up the U.N., because he can’t cover them right now.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And then the U.N. cut you off this morning.”  Lara summarized.

    Jay Boaz nodded.  “We’re another casualty of a recession.”

    Lara frowned, as Jay sounded so depressed when he said that.  “You know, you’ve been talking about retiring from the Lair Legion for a while now.”

    He nodded.  “I know.  But I would rather have had it be my choice.  Or at least seen it coming, not be blindsided like this.”  Jay sighed deeply and stopped walking.  “I guess it’s good that the guys were prepared for this, so I don’t have to worry about them too.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah, um...I kind of knew that.”  Lara said with a sly smile.  “I went to see you because I knew you’d be hit hard by this.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You knew they were making other plans?”

    Lara nodded.  “And you knew it too, you just chose not to pay attention.”

    Jay thought for a moment about all the times Dream talked about getting his own place, and how Yuki always wanted to start her P.I. business back up for the thrill of it.  And obviously he knew about Nats and his ghost cabs, and Al B Harper and EEE.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I guess you’re right.”  he whispered, as he stopped walking.  He changed the subject a bit.  “What will you do?  I mean, usually you stay at the Lair Mansion when you visit.  Now you won’t know where anyone is.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I have people to stay with.”  she replied with a shrug.  “But also, I probably should have been dividing my time better between here and home.  I’ll finally get caught up back on my Earth.”

    She looked at Jay right after she said that, and noticed he had kind of a sad, lost expression.  Like he was about to lose something else, and it was upsetting him.  So with a smile, she added, “But not before I help you get settled into your new life.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Thanks, I guess.”  he said unconvincingly.  He stared into a lake in the middle of the park.

    Lara quickly slid her arms around his torso and hugged him tightly, holding him close.  

    He felt that she was warm and kind of comforting, so he returned the hug.  He could smell the flowery scent of her hair, and he closed his eyes, wishing for a moment that he was hugging someone of his dreams who would come home with him and stay with him.

    But it was just Lara.  As sweet and wonderful as she was, she was quite literally from another world.  Beautiful, but so different from him that he wouldn’t be able to fill her needs, and she would be unable to fulfill his dreams.  That’s why he told her she wasn’t his type.

    Even so, she was a friend, and conveniently there to open his heart to, and she willingly offered to help.  She was also quite experienced in change, and didn’t seem to fear it the slightest bit.

    He took the piece of paper Chiaki gave to him earlier out of his jacket pocket and passed it to Lara.  “What do you think?”  he asked.  “Chiaki offered to give it to me.”

    She let go of him and looked at it carefully.  “I think...it’s perfect for you.”  She smiled at him.  Then with a wink, “Make sure you pick an apartment with a guest room.”

    Jay smiled at that.  She was implying she might stay with him sometimes when she visited Paradopolis.  “Are you sure that’s appropriate?  You staying with me?”  he asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Eh.”  Lara shrugged, and leaned one arm over his shoulder.  “Who’s going to stop us?”


TO BE CONTINUED?
    

-- Story written and copyrighted (C) 2009 by Jason Froikin, and may not be 
--    reprinted without permission.  
-- Yuki Shiro designed by Jason Froikin, based on designs by Masamune Shirow
--  Liu Xi Xian and the Psychic Samurai are original design by Jason Froikin
--  Lara Night is an original creation by Jason Froikin

I had a completely different story posted here for the past week, and it got ZERO replies. There were replies to other posts, however, and new posts, so by the time Sat afternoon rolled around I figured it was because nobody liked it and I deleted it. Actually, I didn't like how it was turning out much, either (originally it was supposed to have to do with St. Jude's and Chiaki but it wasn't working out well).

Meanwhile all Saturday I had the seed of an interesting idea in my head: What if the Lair Legion went broke? It didn't really gel until Sunday, when I wrote up the first chapter and posted it.

It was born of a few things: The question above; The expressed desire on the part of several characters in the past to have a life outside the Lair Mansion; The current recession; The tendency of governments now to drop backing of international alliances; and on my part in particular, seeing how two of my characters cope with it.

The point isn't to destroy the Lair Legion (for now) but I decided for the new year, it might be interesting to see how the Lair Legion operates if it's stripped down to a shoestring budget, and is not really secretive, but hard to find because it's decentralized.

This also makes it even more important that Liu Xi Xian has made a life for her own (Chiaki already had one) and makes things really tough for Anna, who now has to work harder to prove herself, and even Lara Night, who will have to depend on the charity of friends whenever she visits (or else run up huge hotel bills).

By the way, if your question is "What about the Lair Mansion?", that question is answered next time (but Flapjack provides a very minor clue).

As for Sir Mumphrey, he's part of the reason I made this a also budget issue and not simple destruction, or being on the run from the law, etc. The Lair Legion is on thin ice, but not criminal - they just have to make themselves *harder* to find and round up just in case. Even Sir Mumphrey is going to have a very hard time finding money, and even he doesn't have enough family money to fund the Lair Legion.

And I'm sure by this point, SPUD and H.E.R.P.E.S. have similar budget problems, so they probably won't be snagging the opportunity of a lifetime either.

On a side note, I was going to write out a longer subject line, but the box provided for it only allowed me to see the first line...  Once I typed beyond the available space in the subject box, the cursor and what I was typing was no longer visible, even though I'm pretty sure it still being added.  Considering I thought I made a mistake, but couldn't see what I was typing to tell for sure, I just deleted it all.  That kind of thing should probably be fixed.

Sadly that bug is unavoidable, since the little squares you type into in Rich Text mode are actually stylized IFRAMEs - small web pages embedded in the bigger one.  So far they don't seem to obey Javascript scroll commands.  Hopefully updated browsers in the future will.