When I was a kid, back in the '80s, my imagination was so programmed by TV that my dreams literally had opening themes, closing credits, commercial breaks, and soundtracks, so in retrospect, it makes perfect sense that my childhood subconscious could actually manage to shit out a complete script for the G.I. Joe cartoon, totally on autopilot while I was asleep.

To me as a kid, The Villain Whose Face Is Never Seen was always the most fascinating character in any such show (O HAI DOCTOR CLAW IN INSPECTOR GADGET), because you never fully knew what the fuck was up with this guy, in terms of exactly who he was or where he was coming from, so it should come as no surprise that my dream-episode was about Cobra Commander.



To be fair, though, everyone has dreamed about this at least once. Especially the ladies.

Cue opening theme ...

Episode starts with Cobra already in full retreat, from one of their secret laboratory bases that the Joes have just discovered, and as usual, Cobra Commander is the most eager to avoid capture, until he starts saying something about how he can't leave behind "the synthoid project," and in a very uncharacteristic move for him, he actually heads back into the fray, for whatever reason, leaving Destro, the Baroness and the rest confused, but inclined to leave his ass behind all the same.

We lose track of Cobra Commander for a short while, but by the time we seem to have caught up with him again, so have the Joes, and after a short struggle, a stray gunshot strikes his helmet, not only hitting him hard enough to knock him unconscious, but also spilling him to the ground with enough force that his helmet and blank facemask are knocked off in the fall.

Of course, the Joes can hardly believe it. Here he is, their number-one enemy, not only defeated by a single gunshot, but unmasked at last, for everyone to see. And after all the hints about how horribly disfigured Cobra Commander must be under his mask, we can finally see his face ... and he's actually a handsome guy - tanned skin, sandy blonde hair (just dark enough to appear brown at his eyebrows), neatly groomed without being too close-cropped, with only the slightest hairline scar at the side of his mouth - enough that a couple of the female Joes even joke about him looking like a young Robert Redford.

Cobra Commander is already safely in custody in the Joes' headquarters before he comes to, and as soon as he does, he utters the words that any viewer of any '80s children's cartoon should recognize instantly as the prelude to an amnesia episode - "Ow, my head ... wait a minute, what am I doing here? For that matter, who am I?" For their part, the Joes are skeptical, because for all they know, this could be yet another one of Cobra Commander's crazy plots, but gradually, over the course of time, as they bring up all the terrible acts that Cobra Commander has committed against humanity, they start to wonder whether he might not be bullshitting them after all, because not only does he appear genuinely not to remember any of it, but he seems to become so visibly depressed and guilty that he finally volunteers to be punished for everything they say he did, even though he still claims not to remember any of it, because it would appear that he can't live with himself, after learning about the man that he used to be.

Duke is happy enough to accept his guilty plea, but General Hawk sees an opportunity here. In spite of his overall amnesia about his former life, Cobra Commander has been getting flashes of brief details - security procedures, pass-codes and the like - and Hawk tells Cobra Commander that, if he can draw out enough of those fragmentary memories, then he can help the Joes put down the evil that he himself created. Not only does Cobra Commander volunteer to help, but he insists on accompanying the Joes on their mission to Cobra's latest central command base, even after Hawk warns him that his own former troops will likely try to kill him after they realize that he's switched sides to help the Joes. Cobra Commander shocks Duke, who had remained guarded about trusting him, when he says that he'd almost welcome death under such circumstances.

At first, the Joes and Cobra Commander try for a stealth approach in breaking into the command base, with the Joes disguised as Cobra troops, and Cobra Commander claiming that he'd been rescued from the Joes, until one of the base troops says, "What do you mean, 'rescued'? You've been here the whole time! IMPOSTOR!" Realizing that their cover has been blown, Cobra Commander tells the Joes the location of the doomsday equipment that he can still remember, as well as instructions on how to sabotage it, before Destro, the Baroness and the other Cobra higher-ups arrive on the scene.

What follows is the absolute zenith of my dream-script, to the point that even recalling it now, as an adult, sends shivers down my spine, because it's the moment when an amnesiac, unmasked, redemption-seeking Cobra Commander faces down the Cobra troops, with the Joes at his back, and leads the charge against his former allies, screaming out - in Chris Latta's voice, no less - "YO JOE!!!"

The fight makes its way to the location of the doomsday equipment, and as the Joes are hacking into the computers to dismantle them, one of them says something about discovering some files about "the synthoid project." As if someone had snapped their fingers in front of his face, Cobra Commander blinks his eyes and shouts, "The synthoid project ... I REMEMBER NOW!!!" And right on cue, the battle is joined by ANOTHER Cobra Commander, this one wearing a helmet and blank facemask, demanding to know what's going on, until he catches sight of the other Cobra Commander and screams, "YOU!!!" The two Cobra Commanders lunge at each other, and tear into each other so hard that they wind up punching and kicking their way out of sight of the Joes and Cobra troops.

In the meantime, the Joes have managed to activate the command base's self-destruct sequence (because EVERY villainous lair has a self-destruct sequence programmed right in), and by the time the Joes and Cobra have caught up with the two Cobra Commanders, one of them is laid out on the floor, his face already dissolved into a puddle of gray goo - one of the Cobra Commanders was a synthoid - while the other is standing over him, and appears to be adjusting his helmet, either because he's just put it on, or else because it got knocked askew during the fight.

In other words, we don't know whether the synthoid was the Cobra Commander who was leading Cobra in the absence of the REAL Cobra Commander, or whether the synthoid was the Cobra Commander whom the Joes had captured, while the REAL Cobra Commander continued to lead Cobra, and more importantly, neither the Joes nor Cobra know, either. We still don't even necessarily know what Cobra Commander really LOOKS like under the mask, since if the Cobra Commander who was captured by the Joes was the synthoid, then his appearance might not have been programmed to reflect that of the real Cobra Commander. All that we (or the characters) do know is that the real Cobra Commander is the one who's now standing.

There's a strange pause then, even in the midst of the blaring alarm klaxons, before Cobra Commander, in an unusually calm voice, tells his troops to retreat. When Destro presses him to exact at least some measure of immediate retribution against the Joes, for their destruction of the Cobra base, Cobra Commander chuckles ruefully and says, "It's a funny thing ... seeing yourself die diminishes your appetite for further bloodshed. No, for today, I think we'll simply go our separate ways."

Bear in mind, this is what my own subconscious imagination was coming up with when I was NINE YEARS OLD.

The end of the episode? The Joes wonder if maybe, somewhere deep inside of Cobra Commander, there might still be a decent man, capable of being redeemed. And on the Cobra side, Destro tests Cobra Commander by mockingly congratulating him on his "strategy" of obtaining first-person intelligence on the Joes, through the use of the synthoid. Cobra Commander accepts the compliment distractedly - his mind is clearly elsewhere - until Destro remarks, "Of course, I am still curious ... did you send the synthoid to infiltrate the Joes, or did you place it in charge of Cobra in your absence?"

Cobra Commander suddenly snaps at Destro, screaming at him to get out of his sight, and after Destro leaves, Cobra Commander removes his helmet and blank facemask. Shadows obscure his head, but we can see that he's burying his face in his hands, as he sits there, alone, in the dark.

... Roll closing credits.

So, was anyone else this nerdy as a child, or was it just me?

And oh my God, the toy manufacturers must have dreamt the same dream that I did, because here's Cobra Commander's face:



Granted, in his sucky battle-armor, but still ...