Dancer #45: “Dark Thugos is not responsible for any Dancer round robin ideas. I am a different kind of evil.”




[The Scene: Talented but unemployed Sarah Shepherdson has returned from another failed attempt at stardom to find that her apartment has been sub-let to Dark Thugos, Master of Apocalyspe, Lord of the Very Bad Things etc.]

Sarah: So, want to talk about a bathroom cleaning rota?

Dark Thugos, standing in a Kirbyesque pose with his hands behind his back: Dancer. You have returned.

Sarah: Heh. You’re such a kidder. You’d be amazed how many people confuse me with that superhero the Probability Dancer, just because we have the same hair and body and accent and character type and we both come from Bogall, County Mudd, Ireland. It’s a simple mistake.

Dark Thugos: I was the Destroyer of Tales. I know a herald of Galactivac when I see one. Even when she’s not wearing her ‘I’m a Herald of Galactivac and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt’ t-shirt.

Sarah: …. So, want to talk about a bathroom cleaning rota? I mean, if we’re gonna be roomies?

Dark Thugos: Dark Thugos does not clean bathrooms. That is why I have my entropy eyebeams, to render them to composite atoms then erase the very atoms from existence.

Sarah: Wow. That really has to work on stubborn rim stains. And it has to be good news for the bathroom-fitting industry on Apocalyspe.

Dark Thugos: Apocalyspe does not have a bathroom-fitting industry. If Apocalyspians wish to defecate they simply find someone weaker to do it on.

Sarah: And now we’re into the Eew Zone. Maybe we should move on to the couch rota? I mean, no offence, but sometimes I’m going to need the bed. I’ll hang a g-string on the doorknob. You could do the same if you need some privacy. Assuming you wear g-strings.

Dark Thugos: Dark Thugos does not discuss his underwear.

Sarah: Hey, if we’re roomies you can discuss anything you want. Gossip away. And if you’re embarrassed by unpleasant grey stains that just won’t wash out, there’s this formula I got from Whitney Darkness that…

Dark Thugos: Dark Thugos does not have underwear problems. Dark Thugos does not gossip. Dark Thugos does not have a couch rota.

Sarah: Oh, like I haven’t heard that one before. “It’s my back, Sarah. If I don’t sleep on a mattress counterbalanced by a girl next to me then I’m in awful agony and you wouldn’t want that.” And then it’s all “If I don’t get a massage for my pain I can’t get to sleep. No, a lower massage.” And then, well, you get the picture. I’m not as dumb as I look, mister.

Dark Thugos: Are you really saying that you look dumb?

Sarah: Don’t confuse me, with your logical English and proper diction. You’re not sharing a bed with me. One, you’re the retconned son of the Hooded Hood and it would just be icky and almost like incest. Two, you’re really bulky and I bet you’d make the mattress sag and hog all the sheets. Three, I’m not really past all that unwashed underwear imagery from a minute ago and really it’s a huge turn-off.

Dark Thugos: Dark Thugos does not intend to share a bed with you, Dancer. Especially not one that would be better used as a research project for my bioweapons division.

Sarah: Most of those stains are perfectly understandable and reasonable. There’s even videocam evidence for some of that. Besides, mattresses are expensive and it was Amber’s birthday and then it was Mr Camelford’s retirement whip round and then it was Gimble’s shoe sale and then Mr Brindisi needed to borrow $100 to get to his sick grand-daughter in Ohio.

Dark Thugos:    Dark Thugos does not care about Mr Brindisi’s sick grand-daughter in Ohio. All of humankind is meaningless cattle and I shall gladly crawl over their rotting corpses to achieve my ultimate goals.

Sarah: Well that could explain your underwear problems right there. Anyhow, Mr Brindisi’s been really down since his dog died and the Parodiopolis Bobcats lost the pennant and they cancelled Joey. He needed to see his grand-daughter in Ohio as much as she needed to see her grampa. That stuff’s far more important than universal domination or shiny new mattresses.

Dark Thugos: How did you people ever survive and win the Parody War?

Sarah: I think we just kept on doing multi-part adventures with a billion tie-ins until we found a way to triumph. But back to the bed rota…

Dark Thugos: Dark Thugos is not here to sleep on the couch. Dark Thugos is not here to be your room-mate. Dark Thugos does not wish to be in the Big Brother House.

Sarah: Ooh, you know I think you’ve just hit on a new round robin idea there. What if all the superheroes got put in a house together and we vote every week to…?

Dark Thugos: Dark Thugos is not responsible for any Dancer round robin ideas. I am a different kind of evil.

Sarah: But if you’re not here to room with me why did you rent this flat off Michael? And why aren’t you in your Dark Palace on Dark Apocalyspe doing dark deeds? Darkly.

Dark Thugos: I seek information for a research project that has occupied my attention since the beginning of creation. A project that will allow me absolute control of all events in the Parodyverse and beyond, the fundamental key to all existence. [Looks across at what Sarah’s doing] No Dancer, I do not think that I will find it in the Yellow Pages.

Sarah: Google?

Dark Thugos: Humans have recently accomplished remarkable things that they should never logically have been able to. They have resisted the Celestians, Galactivac, the Resolution Prophecy, the Hell-Lords, the Parody Master, the Hooded Hood…

Sarah: Yes. Resisted the Hooded Hood. Absolutely. Anything anyone says different is just a misunderstanding about g-strings on doorknobs.

Dark Thugos: I have come to determine what it is in humans that allows them to be so… irritating. And then I thought of you.

Sarah: I can get you CSFB!’s cell phone number.

Dark Thugos: I have decided to live as a human with you for a period of time. I shall accompany you to work and observe your interactions. I shall determine how it is that humans can endure to be so mundane and pathetic. Only then can I rip their part of the secret of the universe from their collective psyche and go on to control all reality. Only then shall Dark Thugos reign supreme!

Sarah: You lost a bet, didn’t you?

Dark Thugos: Dark Thugos does not welsh. Anyhow, Lisa was distracting me with what she’d just laid on the table as a stake.

Sarah: So you want to trail around with me and see what humans are like? Okay, but not into the bathroom.

Dark Thugos: There is no bathroom. Not any more.

Sarah: And not on dates.

Dark Thugos: Dark Thugos does not date.

Sarah: And no destroying reality while I’m showing you round.

Dark Thugos: Dark Thugos destroys what he will. But will refrain from destroying reality providing no more mention is made of underwear.

Sarah: So you’ll not menace reality if I don’t wear underwear? You are the Hooded Hood’s retconned son, aren’t you? Danny has pretty much the same deal with my sister.

Dark Thugos: You will also refrain from mentioning Lyle.

Sarah: Just because you were once the Hood’s son before he erased that fact and conceived Danny instead? Bummer on that. But hey, spiffy got over it when it happened to him.

Dark Thugos: You will refrain from mentioning spiffy. He is not related to me in any way. I can point to many charred cinders of planets that felt differently.

Sarah: Okay, I’m sensing some family issues here. I have similar problems with my mother. Except for the charred planets bit. But a girl can dream.

Dark Thugos: Dark Thugos does not have family issues. Although he would like to know what his son Kambyon is doing, sometimes. He never calls, he never writes. He is very overdue for another episode.

Sarah, brightly: So you’re going to pal around with me and learn to be human and nice, right? It’s a deal. Would you like ballet lessons?

Dark Thugos: I did not make any deal. Dark Thugos does not do ballet.

Sarah: Okay, no Danny, spiffy, underwear or ballet. Gotcha. So back to the bed rota…

[Continued…]

Well, that brightened my afternoon up (and not just because of the yellow font). Nice to see the old Dancer formula in a slightly new context.

There are a lot of rules between roommates, aren't there? Probably for the best. In any event, if Kerry is heading to a dorm room at college, than Thugos is more than welcome to help with the moving day. He's pretty big... boxes of books shouldn't be much of a problem. Assuming any are still around... paper and Kerry don't go together well.

This seems like a really fun set up! I look forward to seeing what wacky hijinks ensue! Can Thugos learn empathy from the foremost leader of it in all the Parodyverse? Considering how evil he is, can Sarah resist his charm? I mean, should he ever decide to display some charm, that is?

Lots of questions... Let's get to the answering!

Now this is going to be fun to watch unfold!

Loved your whole "Dark Thugos does not etc." routine, though if anyone can bring him around it will be Sarah.

Al B.

Line of the century, right here:



As always, another entertaining chapter in Dancer's daily life. Looking forward to seeing how things go..... and I'll see about putting together another Kambyon chapter at some point.