[The Scene: Vizh’s anniversary party, where Kerry Shepherdson has just been dragged off the dance floor by her big sister and pulled into a quiet side room.]

Kerry: Hey, I thought you were all about the dancing?

Dancer: Sure, but I’m also all about being the big sister. Let’s chat.

Kerry: Hey, you might be used to people dragging you off the dance floor into dark rooms but I was just about to laugh at Ham-Boy spazzing it up to a techno beat. FA was going to give him the full Travolta disco suit as well. At least some kind of suit. Monkey maybe. Or birthday.

Dancer: Then once again I’ve saved the day. Now sit down, Kerry. We need to have a talk. The talk.

Kerry: The talk? As in the talk? As in the talk about boys? As in the talk I got off ma when I was about nine?

Dancer: Yes, that talk. We need to revisit that talk. And not in the usual wake-screaming-from-the-flashbacks-nightmare kind of way.

Kerry; Hey, I’m surprised you remember it at all. I mean what part of “don’t let boys touch you higher than the ankle” didn’t you get? Where exactly where your ankles at the time?

Dancer: This isn’t about me. I don’t need to settle down and give ma grandkids to be a fulfilled happy person. I don’t need a man to complete me. It says so in my self-help books. And most of them were written by women. Or at least men pretending to be women. Or with really girlie-sounding names.

Kerry: I’d just like to point out that one Shepherdson sister has been in a long-term relationship with one boy and the other thinks that the guy calling her back to borrow more money is a major commitment. Guess which is which?

Dancer: Hey, lots of those guys pay me back. Some of them. Well, one did once. In, um, McDonalds vouchers. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be helping my big sister benefit from my experience.

Kerry: Boy, that’s a lot of benefit I’m going to be getting.

Dancer: You’re not too old for me to show Danny your baby photos, you know. Now pay attention and learn. Or would you prefer this to come from Vizh?

Kerry, shuddering: You have my complete attention.

Dancer: Fine. Now you’ve been dating Danny for some time now, and it’s gone pretty far.

Kerry: I know where babies come from. If a mummy and daddy love each other very much they have a quick reward fling before the mummy is taken away to a mythical continent by a loathsome elder being. Then her babies are teleported into an artificial intelligence hologram for gestation, kidnapped to faerie, and eventually rescued after a major multi-part crossover.

Dancer: Um, yeah, pretty much. But I wasn’t exactly enquiring whether you and Danny were at the small animals and candlewax stage of your relationship so much as pointing out that Danny died and came back from his happy ending to you, then alternate-Danny tortured hundreds of alternate-Kerrys to become Moderator of the Parodyverse.

Kerry: I think that was The Moderator of the Parodyverse. There are plot summaries around if you know where to look for them.

Dancer: And then there was the whole Dr Loveray making-you-sleep-with-Vinnie episode, and the subsequent Danny smooched with Liu Xi tie-in. And smooch could be a really big euphemism. Guys are slime.

Kerry: Yeah, it’s been a hell of a month. But I don’t see why I need big-sisterly intervention just because you need to do something worth writing up for Vizh’s party story.

Dancer: Well I…

[The door burst open and Fashion Accessory peers inside]

FA: Hey, is it true that you’re having the talk with Kerry? Really?

Kerry: No. I’m having the talk with Dancer. I mean which of us was rumoured to be pregnant with Vizh’s spawn?

Dancer: Er, wasn’t that Lisa? I’m pretty sure there were hilarious misunderstandings a few crossovers back. Not me.

FA: That’s right. You were in the one where the LL got devolved to sixteen year olds and either you and/or Sarah Shepherdson ended up doing the dirty with pubescent-Vizh in Off-Central park!

Dancer: Any possible field trip to Off-Central Park was purely for educational purposes. I mean looking at statues and things. Admiring nature. Stop snickering.

Harlagaz: What ist happening in here for the nonce? Methought I heard snickering?

FA: Kerry’s getting the talk. She’s going to learn about the birds and the bees.

Kerry: I so know all about the birds and the bees. I know their exact combustion temperatures.

Dancer: And this is a private chat, sister, um, substitute-sister to slightly-less-mature-and much-more-irritating sister. Could you shut the door please?

Harlagaz: Certainly, Lady Dancer. [He turns back to the party] Heilsa, people! Anybody wishing to listen to Dancer explaining the facts of lifeth to Kerry must needs come into the room now, for I must then close yon portal. For privacy.

Kerry: Dancer, you die.

Ham-Boy: Hey, somebody’s getting the talk? Can I get a notebook?

FA: Well, it seems that Sarah has passed on sisterly responsibility for Kerry to her old friend Dancer. Improbable as that seems. But it all makes perfect sense compared to, say, Nats’ origin. Or CSFB!’s cast list. Or anything the Shoggoth does.

Dancer: Thank you. But really Kerry and I were hoping for a private chat in actual, y’know, private?

Kerry: I wasn’t. I was hoping to set the curtains alight and disappear in the chaos that ensured.

[The doors opens again]

Uhunalura, Princess of the Abhumans: Did I hear that somebody is discussing genetic pair-bonding and intersocial gene exchange programmes? I’ve so missed those lectures since I was cast out by the Abhumans.

FA: You know there’s no practical component to this particular lecture, right? So there’s no need to call Nats in here.

Hatman: What’s going on in this small crowded sideroom? Is there some kind of crisis? What’s that smell of smouldering curtain material?

FA: Although, if there has to be some kind of practical demonstration I guess Mr Boaz and I could volunteer. If that helps.

Ham-Boy: Forget my notebook. I’ve got to find a digital camera.

Dancer: No. This is just a quiet girl-chat. Not an orgy.

CSFB!: That doesn’t have to be either-or, you know. Just saying.

Yuki: Hey folks. Does anyone happen to know why the volcano alarm just went off down in the Ops Room? Or why the party punch is now boiling and melting a hole in the Lair Ceiling?

Harlagaz: Um, that last one mayhap be because I didst addeth yon Ausgardian spirits to the brew. For kick.

Hatman: That does explain why the Librarian is dancing the Batusi out there on the table.

CSFB!: The Batusi! I am so in! Apriiiillllll!!!

Dancer: Maybe this was the wrong time to broach this subject? Maybe it would have been better to wait for the next Galactivac attack?

FA, worried: Um, do you know something we don’t? Only if Earth is getting destroyed I’d need to arrange for my wardrobe to be shipped off-planet.

Kerry: Hey, if anyone’s destroying Earth it’s me, not some oversized vacuum cleaner. I called dibs!

Al B: Did I hear somebody wanting to destroy the planet? I went through that phase a while back. I’ve probably still got the notes.

Yuki: Back when you were turned evil by those squid-headed telepathic monsters?

Al B: Yes, then as well. But really I was thinking of my teen years.

FA: So was Dancer. Apparently she studied nature.

Uhuna: I love nature studies.

Hatman: Like we can’t hear that all the way down the hallway.

[Crashing sound from party outside]

Ham-Boy: We need to buy tables that are more Batusi-proof.

Kerry: Can I go now? Maybe to another continent?

Dancer: No. We have to have this talk. About your feelings, and the future, and relationships. It’s important. There are sub-plots to tie up.

FA: Plus, it’s great to watch Kare squirm.

Danny, entering: I always thought so. What’s the occasion?

Kerry: Danny, help me! Dancer wants to talk to me about feelings and things!

Uhuna: It is very important that there is feeling. Feeling is good.

Hatman: Those curtains are on fire! Stand back everyone! I have my fireman’s hat.

FA: Sure thing, sir. I’ll hold your shirt for you.

Danny: Is this a good time to have the talk? I mean, with those kids here?

Dancer: What kids? There are no kids present!

Danny, denying: There are.

Magweed and Griffin: Hi!

Griffin: Will this talk summarise the contents of the internet as well?

Sam Featherstone: Will there be handouts or do we need to memorise it now?

Magweed: Why is Fashion Accessory getting a bottle of baby oil from the bathroom?

Kerry: When will this torment end?

Dancer: Okay, I give in.

Harlagaz: Tis what most toilet walls doth say, yes.

Dancer: I mean I give in on giving Kerry the talk. Time to call in reinforcements. Viiiizzzzhhh!!!

[And so on…]

.

"They're doing what now?" Visionary asked with a gulp.

"The Talk" Hallie supplied. "You should probably go lend an assist, don't you think?"

"Well, I think Dancer can clear things up adequately, don't you?" Visionary stated nervously, casting a glance towards the crowd gathering off in a side room. "When she's done, certainly there'll be no reason to have to delve into this territory again... I'm sure Kerry will continue to keep one foot on the floor at all times that Danny is in her room. When they're just studying. And moving furniture."

"Is Kerry then practiced in the Ves Pahr position?" Odoona asked curiously. "It is quite advanced, but it does allow for one foot to remain on the floor, along with both hands, causing the pelvis to rotate upwards..."

"You know..." Visionary quickly interrupted, "I think I saw on the history channel once that suitors used to be sewn into bags up to their necks when they wanted to spend the night in the same house at their betrothed." He scratched his chin. "I just don't remember if you were supposed to sew rabid animals in there with them, or just toss them into the lake alone."

"That pig you seemed to know was foaming at the mouth earlier..." Fleabot noted helpfully.

"Trickshot?" Hallie asked.

"Brap" Visionary supplied. "And I think he was just having trouble getting his snout around the head on a mug of Donar's mead."

"How about Lisa's cat?"

Visionary blanched. "I have at least some pity for the poor guy."

"You could certainly do worse when it comes to having to worry about her potential boyfriends" Fleabot admitted. "I mean, on the bright side, the combination of their powers makes for some pretty effective birth control."

The Regular's face darkened. "Then again, there's a lot to be said for reviving traditions..."

"Viiiizzzzhhh!!!" Dancer called impatiently from within the formerly quiet side room.

"What do you think the odds are of me being saved by some other crisis arising?" the Regular asked hopefully. "I mean, Dancer and Kerry surely must cancel each other out, right? Tell me something is burning right now..."

"Your ears, maybe?" Hallie suggested.

Visionary clasped the side of his head and just managed to stop the now instinctual response of stop, drop and roll. "Wait... what?"

"I think Odoona just went to go help the conversation along." Hallie nodded, pointing with her chin. "I believe she knows all 30 verses of that song about you knocking up Miiri" she added with a slight edge in her voice.

"Ack!" Visionary observed astutely as he scrambled to catch up to the enthusiastic Caphan.

"Have you ever listened to it?" Fleabot asked innocently. "In her defense, the hook is really quite catchy."

Hallie promptly stepped on him.

Only 30 verses?


This is starting to be a common theme...

I'm perfectly comfortable with the size of the ballad. It doesn't make me insecure at all.



It's good stress therapy.