[The Scene: Artificial computer intelligence Hallie is real, dammit, but she’s lost part of her memory. She thinks it’s 1999, which means really big haircuts are in and everybody is Living the Vida Loca. She doesn’t remember pretty much anything since Jarvis stopped posting on the Parodyverse Board. So clearly she doesn’t remember Dancer, which some might think is a good thing. She will after this tho. ] Dancer: Hi. I’m Dancer. Hallie: I’m HALLIE. But I’m guessing you already know that. Dancer: Uh-uh. You’re not HALLIE. You might think you are but you’re not. Hallie, a little disconcerted: I’m checking my systems right now, and I do recognise the root programming. I’m pretty sure… Dancer: Believe me. You’re not HALLIE. HALLIE’s just an acronym for Heuristic Accelerating Leaping Logging, um, something. Hallie: Heuristic Artificial Life Learning Intelligence Entity. Really. Dancer: Yeah, really not. You’re not HALLIE the acronym. You’re Hallie the person. Big H, little allie, all good. Hallie: What’s the difference? I’m an artificial intelligence created by a mad scientist and taken in by the Lair Legion to look after their mainframe. Dancer: Wrong-o. You were an artificial intelligence created by a mad scientist etc., but then again, I was the result of a wild night in Bogall when my dad had too much Guinness and my mom didn’t reach a blunt object fast enough. But that doesn’t mean that’s all I am now. Hallie: I don’t really remember anything that people are telling me about. Um, please tell me you hadn’t described the Guinness incident to me in detail. Dancer: Well, I wasn’t really there, except perhaps technically at the very end of the process. But I have been around to know you, Hallie. That’s why I thought I’d come along and tell you why you have a lower case allie. It’s important. Hallie: It is? Why? Dancer: Because names are what people have. Acronyms are for machines. Nobody who knows you questions that you need a name. In fact even your enemies have names for you. We just don’t use them in polite society. Hallie: Well that’s kind of swe… hold on. I have enemies? Dancer: Oh sure. Loads of them. Just like a real person. Hallie: Oh. Good. I think. You said you were here to cheer me up, was it? Dancer: I’m here to tell you more stuff that you need to remember. I can’t leave my poor old brother to do all the heavy lifting. Not with that heart of his. Hallie: Brother? Heart? Dancer: Oh, right. I meant close friend Visionary. Sorry, I’m a bit out of practise. Although funnily enough Vizh did become adopted into the family of my good friend Sarah Shepherdson so he could be warder to her little sister Kerry. Hallie: You mean ward? Vizh was allowed responsibility for a minor? Dancer: I know what I mean. And yeah, Vizh is allowed children these days. Ask him about that. Wait till he’s eating. Hallie: So Vizh was adopted? Why was he adopted? Dancer: You shouldn’t believe any rumours about Sarah and Vizh being de-aged to sixteen and doing the nasty in Off-Central Park. That’s just a story put about by witnesses who want to traduce the reputation of a quite possibly semi-innocent young star-in-waiting. Anyway, she’s his sister now so that clearly would be icky, howevermuch it seemed sweet and wonderful at the time. Hallie: Vizh and this Sarah person? What about Cheryl? Dancer: Cheryl had ascended to ascensionhood. She’s not around any more. It was sad. Vizh had some dark times. It’s a good job he got distracted. Hallie: By a sixteen year old? Dancer: Well, I was really thinking about the Caphan girls. See there were these nine green-skinned alien slave girls that Yo put in Visionary’s bedroom… Hallie: Lalalalalalalalalala. Not listening. Maybe I erased my memory banks on purpose? Dancer: It’s not what you think. Vizh was a perfect gentleman with them. And, um, only one of them got even slightly pregnant. Hallie: Visionary knocked up an alien slave girl? Visionary? And this slave girl had his kid. Dancer: Er, that’s prolly another one to field to him, really. But if it’s any comfort, Miiri didn’t give birth to Vizh’s child. Vizh doesn’t have a child. Honestly. Can we move on? I could tell you this amusing story where everyone thought Lisa and Vizh were… Hallie: I think I’m going to have to ask for more data, Dancer. Then I can review my stunulator programming policy. Dancer: Really, that’s not the stuff you need to focus on. There’s a lot of things happened over the time you’ve forgotten, and a lot of them centre on you, Hallie. It’s a good job I’m not the jealous type, the amount of spotlight you’ve managed to get. Hallie: I had spotlight? Dancer: Hey, there were times when you were the spotlight. Especially in your holo-display artworks. Me, I just got to get married a couple of times, kidnapped by archvillains, de-aged, metamorphosed, cursed, and ended up naked a lot more times than seems to happen to the guys in the Lair Legion. The usual. Oh, and a short stint as a fairy godmother. Hallie: That’s all? Dancer: And whatever happened to me during that whole North Star dream sequence, but right now that’s a bit hazy. Hallie: And you say I knew you before? [* Checks what security protocols she’s put in place *] Hey, there’s a file here about Visionary’s health. And you said something about his heart? Dancer: Oh, that was before he got cloned, I think. After he spent some time as a hologram AI like you. After your virtual world got bombed. After you spent some time as a human when your AI form got assassinated by the Hellraisers. There was an incredibly long set of events that led to Vizh’s heart getting scooped out by an Elder Being and ended up with him getting a new lighthouse. Hallie: ……. Dancer: It all made sense at the time. Well, as much as things do in the Parodyverse. There were plot summaries and everything. Best to blame spiffy for it. Hallie: So we still do the spiffy joke? Dancer: Well, I think it’s a girl called Bev Campbell who’s mostly doing spiffy right now. But yeah, Vizh had a few heart problems. Nothing like as bad as he’s got now, though. Hallie: Visionary has cardiac troubles even now? My bio-sensors didn’t detect any… Dancer: You can still access your databases, right? Your newspaper archive? Flick back in the Daily Trombones to the day the Parody War ended. Take a look at the front page. Put it up on screen. [Hallie finds the file in microseconds and plunks the image on the monitor. It’s a full-page picture of a triumphant hero kissing a girl in his arms while the crowd celebrates. Except…] Hallie: That picture… that appears to be Visionary doing the kissing. Dancer: It is. He’s real, dammit. Hallie: And that girl on the other end of the kissing, the one being kissed… Dancer: I think in fairness she’s kissing back. I’m pretty sure there’s two tongues involved in that. That is serious stunt kissing. Hallie: That girl looks a lot like the hologram body I apparently use all the time these days. Dancer: Like I said, heart problems. Hallie: But… I don’t remember any of this. That’s not… I’m not… I wouldn’t… There isn’t… Dancer: See? No acronym machine would get that flustered by the wonderful horrible mystery we call love. Only people can be that dumb. Hallie: You’re saying I have had a… relationship? With Visionary? Dancer: Well, you were dating Mr Epitome while Vizh was seeing that hot psychotic supervillainess, but yeah, for a while there it looked like we might be getting some CSFB-rated Vizh/Hallie material. But after that picture the promised date never happened. Believe me, I’ve been closely monitoring the situation. All kinds of work-related crisis got in the way. Vizh went off to another planet for ages, and then there was a plague of crossovers, and now you’ve lost your memory. It’s like somebody was trying to spin out the romantic subplot for as long as humanly possible. Hallie: Vizh kissed me? Dancer: You’re missing the key fact here, Hallie. You kissed Vizh. [* smiles brightly *] Anyway, I’m sure you’ll remember the important stuff eventually. There’s quite a lot of it to get back. You should check the archives. And you should go to the source. Hallie: The source? Dancer: Sure. Associations trigger memory. Warm toast reminds you of happy breakfasts in bed, and what you did with the butter afterwards. Burned toast reminds you of previous cataclysmic toaster explosions and makes you dive for cover. Old songs remind you of old loves and losses. Old friends remind you of good times that you’ll store in your soul for always. And do you know what’s good for remembering forgotten kisses? Hallie: I’m sure you’ll tell me. Dancer: New kisses. Triggers all kinds of stuff. Really. Try it and see. Hallie: I don’t think I’m that kind of program. Dancer: HALLIE might be what she was programmed as. But Hallie… she’s whatever she wants to be. With whoever she wants to be it with. [* pauses at the door *] I love stories and movies, Hallie, and all the best ones end with a kiss. But in real life, all the best stories just start with one. Reclaim your past. Then claim your future. Bye! Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2008 reserved by Sarah Shepherdson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2008 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Sarah Shepherdson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.

.

I'm sure that cleared things right up for the poor woman.

As an interesting side note, I had originally considered using this story as a framing device where Vizh was relaying the story of their big date to Hallie in order to help her remember. What keeps tripping me up there is that I haven't really found a concept for the date story that I really liked. That's the pressure of letting things build up too long, I suppose.

In any event, meeting Dancer is certainly an experience that Hallie will remember this time around. An excellent, if baffling, recap of some of the bigger moments in the poor hologram's life. And a good long addition too! I wish I could write as quickly as I used to, but I'm happy enough that you still have the knack for turning out such fun, lighthearted stories!

.