... Or, "How to Write Internet-Level Bad Fanfic, by J. Michael Straczynski:"

1. When writing a character who's already been subjected to non-stop attempts at retconning his history for the better part of a decade, it's always best to open your very first story with yet another attempt to retcon the character's origin. Between Bendis' Ultimate Spider-Man, Byrne's "Chapter One" reboot and the work of all those involved in the entire fucking "Clone Saga," Spider-Man had been subjected to nothing but retcons (and counter-retcons) since the early '90s, so what did Straczynski do, to set himself apart from all the writers who had come before him and plunged the character into the low point where he picked him up? You guessed it; ANOTHER FUCKING RETCON.
   
   
2. When introducing new characters to a well-established character's cast, the best way to do it is to ham-handedly shove them down the readers' throats as the coolest and bestest characters EVAR!!!111eleventy-one, in much the same manner as a Mary Sue author. For instance, if you want the audience to accept the new mature mentor figure in Spider-Man's life, you should have Peter Parker instantly compare him to Uncle Ben, before he even knows anything about him, such as who he is or whether or not he can even be trusted. Likewise, if you want to force your audience to accept that your villain is a superior one to all the other villains that have ever appeared in Spider-Man's history, the most effective way to make your audience believe this is simply to state it outright in the text itself. Use lots of self-congratulatory Writer's Fiat declarations to argue your point, by making Peter act as your own mouthpiece, telling the readers, "Nobody's ever hit me THAT hard before!" or "Nobody's ever scared me THAT much before!" or "My Spider-Sense is going off stronger than it EVER has!" or "You're the only villain who's EVER made me mad before!" (an assertion which Norman Osborn, or anyone who's ever read "The Night Gwen Stacy Died," might differ with). If, however, you actually want to produce good writing, then you should smash your fingers with a sledgehammer any time you feel yourself compelled to type such wretchedly unconvincing teenage-boy-level bullshit, even if you're writing it about characters that you yourself have created.
   
   
3. If your audience refuses to lap up everything you say like good little dogs, use your own characters to attack them for daring to disagree with you! In one of the issues of Amazing Spider-Man where Peter and Ezekiel went to a temple of the Spider-Totem, Straczynski devoted two whole pages to having Ezekiel bitch and shout at the readers Peter for retaining any degree of skepticism whatsoever regarding Ezekiel's unverifiable mystical assertions about the origins of Peter's powers, which earns Straczynski extra LOL HYPOCRISY points when you remember that Straczynski is a rabid atheist, who would be nowhere near as polite as Peter to some stranger who was making similarly spiritual claims about his own life.
   
   
4. When in doubt, cop out on your ending with a deus ex machina that doesn't actually require your "hero" to do anything! Marty Stu Morlun needs to be destroyed, but Spider-Man can't do it, because you still have just enough of a vestige of respect for his prior characterizations to realize he's not a cold-blooded murderer? Have Morlun's henchman do it instead! Is Peter trapped in the temple of the Spider-Totem, with no way out, because you've written yourself into a corner by taking his character so unbelievably fucking far out of his element? Have Ezekiel pull a cliched change of heart and save him by sacrificing his own life instead! Got readers who are sick of seeing other characters solve these problems for the "hero," while he stands around uselessly? Fuck them! It's not like the title of the book is THE AMAZING FUCKING SPIDER-MAN, or anything!

Oh, and bonus points to Straczynski for completely butt-fucking what almost could have been an interesting storytelling angle, by totally failing to grasp the point of Anansi. As someone who's studied some mythology, allow me to break this down:

• Anansi = clever, cunning trickster god, which actually does possess a certain resonance with Peter's wisecracking persona as Spider-Man.
  
  
• Anansi =/= mindless, animalistic inhuman predator, which is precisely what Straczynski turned Peter into during "The Other."

I mean, quite seriously, this is such unmitigated fucking dogshit that I scarcely know where to start. It's like pulling a retcon to connect a character to Coyote, the simultaneously wise and foolish sacred clown spiritual figure of the Native American tribal legends, and then using it as an excuse to turn your own character into a slavering, pre-verbal werewolf. FUCKING FAIL, Straczynski, you cocklicking dickbag.

I've only read 4 issues of JMS's Spidey, the first one he did, and the three part story that used Doc Ock, and wasn't really impressed. To be honest, the work he was most famous for, Babylon 5, bored me to tears.

Jeez, I've been quite the Negative Nancy lately. I'm going to have to come up with a list of recent comics I have liked and post them.

I always hate it when people over-think existing origins to take any kind of happenstance out of them in hindsight. I don't know whether that's what any of this magic nonsense in Spidey's origin was about, but that's the impression that I got at the time... there was destiny and a bunch of other crap involved.

Happenstance is a great part of origins. Writers need to quit trying to connect the dots in retcons.

And a mystical Spider-man is a crappy idea either way.

1.) The first Ezekiel/Morlun story was published in 2001, by a writer who leaves next issue. It's predominantly in the past.

2.) The first Ezekiel/Morlun story was not a good story, but you're dwelling on how bad it is. It might be easier to focus on something else that you might actually like.

3.) The term " cocklicking dickbag " is not an argument. It's a petty attack on a man whose main sin was writing a story you didn't like. It doesn't help the discourse or improve the very debatable relevance of internet fandom. And before you use the inevitable " get out of your parents' basement " line JMS said after the attacks on his 9-11 story as a justification for such insults, I'll mention that being the better man and not resorting to insults to make your point is a good idea.

... And please, don't take it personally.

> 1.) The first Ezekiel/Morlun story was published in 2001, by a writer who leaves next issue. It's predominantly in the past.

This is a fair point, but in the discussion threads that followed my LJ posts on "One More Day," I received some replies which asked why I was down on these aspects of Straczynski's writing, and especially since my most recent "One More Day" rant could have been interpreted as a blanket defense of the rest of what Straczynski has written, I felt the need to do equal-time writer abuse.

> 2.) The first Ezekiel/Morlun story was not a good story, but you're dwelling on how bad it is. It might be easier to focus on something else that you might actually like.

See above. While Quesada does deserve the blame for ruining one of the aspects of Spider-Man that Straczynski actually got right - the marriage - my biggest fear is that, like Jemas, Straczynski will wind up being retroactively canonized, when in point of fact, the man still had some serious storytelling flaws of his own, independent of editorial interference, and I hate the idea of people thinking I like something that I don't.

> 3.) The term " cocklicking dickbag " is not an argument. It's a petty attack on a man whose main sin was writing a story you didn't like. It doesn't help the discourse or improve the very debatable relevance of internet fandom. And before you use the inevitable " get out of your parents' basement " line JMS said after the attacks on his 9-11 story as a justification for such insults, I'll mention that being the better man and not resorting to insults to make your point is a good idea.

"Cocklicking dickbag" is not an argument ... well, no fucking shit. It's an insult, and yes, it's petty, but see, the great thing about my comics-related writing is, I'm not asking anyone to pay any money for it, and to my mind, that entitles me to say whatever I goddamned well please. If this was a true parallel, then after I'd insulted Straczynski, I'd tell him that I was entitled to have him pay me money for the privilege of reading my work, because if you reverse that situation, that's exactly what happened in real life. And you know what? I'm incapable of giving a shit about being "the better man" anymore, in no small part because, while Straczynski was berating the patriotism and lack of concern for the 9/11 dead among his critics, I was on an aircraft carrier heading out to drop fucking bombs on the dickless jackholes who actually did that shit. So, once again, my entitlement trumps the holy living fuck out of his own.