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The epilogue to the Parody War struggles on from... the Hooded Hood


 Subject: #322: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Ever After - Part Two
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 06:47:13 am EDT (Viewed 1 times)

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#322: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Ever After - Part Two

Go to Part 1

***


    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer.”

    Sarah Shepherdson turned over in bed and saw Harry smiling down at her.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Er, what?” she answered, trying to cover he panic at being identified as a member of the Lair Legion.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer,” Harry repeated, still smiling. “You look just like her.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Um yes,” Shep agreed, pulling the bedclothes up around herself. “I’ve heard that before. But that doesn’t mean…”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’ve even got her accent.”

    Previously, Dancer’s probability powers had prevented anyone from making the logical connection between two athletic bubbly brunettes from County Mudd, Ireland who were never seen in the same place together. Had Dancer’s influence faded so much that she wasn’t covered now – except by a rumpled duvet?

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s not what you think, Harry,” Sarah said desperately.

    Harry leaned back, still grinning. “And what am I thinking.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re thinking that I’m…” She frowned and looked at him again. “What are you thinking?”

    Harry leaned forward. “I’m thinking that a girl who looks quite a bit like the Probability Dancer could do very well for herself. Have you ever thought about going on stage?”

    Shep blinked. “On stage? I’m… So you don’t think…?”

    Harry played with a lock of her long loose hair. “Hear me out, Sarah. I’m working as part of the crew for a new theatrical tour production: Lair Legion, the Musical. It’s all about the heroes of the Parody War. We’re casting now.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you’ve got this a bit confused, Harry. You’re supposed to tell me you can get me in the movies before you try to take me to bed.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Didn’t need to, did I?” Harry chuckled. “And don’t feel bad about that. I’m honoured to be the one that helped you get over your misery, at least for now. I’m totally okay being used only for sex for as long as you need me to. But I’ve got a job to do as well, and finding people to play the Legion on a major European tour is high on my list.” He looked thoughtful. “I don’t suppose you have an Australian friend who’s into bodybuilding, do you?”

    Dancer caught her breath. “So let’s get this straight. You turn out to be a casting director for a Lair Legion musical…”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Assistant to the assistant casting director,” Harry warned. “I can’t guarantee you anything.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you think I could play Dancer in a world tour?”

    Harry shrugged. “I think you should at least audition,” he persuaded her. “Do you think you could act like Dancer?”

***


    Liu Xi Xian got off the bus and looked around the gloomy industrial wasteland of Black’s Crossing. There was a chill in the air, as if it was going to snow, but she didn’t sense any weather patterns to account for it. The dull dirty buildings were mostly dark and many had broken windows.

    The only occupants of the town square moved away from the burned out frontage of a video shop and came to meet her. “So, you got one too,” said Ebony of Nubilia.

    Liu Xi knew what the the high priestess of the Manga Shoggoth was talking about, of course. The letter had arrived by overseas surface mail this morning, and she’d come immediately. “I didn’t understand it though,” she admitted. “Why would Xander want us to come here?”

    The third woman present, Whitney Darkness, looked around her as a gust of wind whipped up the street trash. Liu Xi hadn’t seen quite that expression on Sorceress’ face before. The Chinese elementalist realised that Whitney Darkness was actually nervous. “I’ve been here before,” Sorceress admitted.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“This place looks like a ghost town,” Liu Xi noted.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is,” Whitney answered. “Literally. I came here with the Legion years ago. Back then it was a horrible industrial place where people on the poverty line were trapped slaving their lives away in soul-destroying banal misery. The boss who owned the town was a very special kind of vampire, sucking the life from the whole population. It… wasn’t a pleasant visit.”

    Liu Xi looked around her. There was something wrong about Black’s Crossing, something that set her teeth on edge. “You got him, though. The vampire?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“In the end,” shuddered Sorceress. “We cleaned this place. People were able to leave at last. The Bautista foundation helped them set up somewhere else. Not many folks chose to stay on.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then why did Xander write to me – to us – and ask us to come here today?” Liu Xi wondered.”

    Ebony looked up at the grey sky that still seemed stained by the smog from the former factory. “You can sense it. This is still a thin place, where the usual barriers between the mortal and mundane and… the rest… aren’t quite strong enough. The Legion cleaned out the evil that had crept in here, but that just left a nice empty space for something else.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” Liu Xi sensed.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” agreed Whitney. “My father’s gone now. Hs letter made it clear that he and Cleone couldn’t stay around now because something is coming that he couldn’t stop. Something whose first move would be to destroy the sorcerer supreme.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“So he needs us to mind the store for him,” Liu Xi agreed. “You know about high magics and things, Ebony’s an expert of dark cults and rituals, and I can sense elemental disturbances. Between us we can sub for a master of the mystic crafts.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not too happy about being part of another Xander manipulation,” Ebony admitted. “He tends to get very close to the line, sometimes.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“But he knows his evil,” Whitney sighed. “You know, I hoped I’d never have to come back here.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Was it bad?” asked Liu Xi, catching a little of Sorceress’ nervousness.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“The spirit possessing Hatman very nearly peeled the skin off my face,” she remembered with another shudder, “and that was the nicest part.”

    Ebony was dangling a pebble on a piece of string and watching which way it swung. “I think we need to take a look around that derelict factory,” she admitted. “Just in case.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just in case we want to die?” Liu Xi asked.

    The three women exchanged glances and moved towards the dark looming silhouette of the old Black Processing Plant.

***


    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hello, Wally,” Hallie greeted the Lair Legion’s postman. “Anything interesting today?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Some kind of letters from England,” the old carrier noted. “Handwriting of Xander the Improbable, looks like. Addressed to Misses Darkness and Xian and to Lady Ebony. Sealed with wax and all.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s a while since we’ve had a letter from Xander,” Hallie commented. “I wonder what he wants? Put them on the side-table, Wally. Whit, Liu Xi, and Ebony aren’t here just now. I’ll let them know about the letters when they get back.”

***


    The Doom Tube opened and the master of Apocalyspe strode out, his hands clasped behind his back, his grey granite face promising death and destruction wherever he went. Dark Thugos had recently returned to claim rulership of his tormented homeworld. A little way behind him came his prime servitor Granny Grimness.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I didn’t need this my first day back on the job,” muttered Amber St Clare.

    Mr Epitome moved forward to meet Thugos. “Ready?” he asked. He had no words of greeting for the former Destroyer of Tales, the former tyrant of a Sol Empire in another timeline. Glory and Yuki were also present in the Lair Mansion cell block for the meeting.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Bring the prisoners forward,” commanded Dark Thugos.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not so fast, Stoney,” Yuki interjecting, springing forward to block the archvillain’s path. “Before we hand over Splendiferous Stewart and General Steppenstoat and Kwatrain and the other Apocalyspian nasties who caused so much trouble here in the run-up to the Parody War we want to hear some assurances from you about what happens to them next.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You dare to question the will of Dark Thugos?” demanded Granny Grimness dangerously. Her large armoured bulk belied her thin ancient voice.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yep,” the cyborg P.I. agreed. “We do. Questioning the will of mad tyrants is pretty much our job description.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if I simply choose to remove my erring retainers from your inadequate containment facilities?” asked Dark Thugos.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then there will be unpleasantness,” Mr Epitome warned, staring him in the eye.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think you could stand against Dark Thugos and Granny Grimness?” scorned Granny, her face darkening with rage.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think your boss knows now isn’t the time to start a war with the Lair Legion,” Epitome replied. “Your world’s in ruins, your armies shattered, your weapons depleted. There are lots of nervous galactic powers and cosmic beings out there feeling a bit sensitive just now about warmongering demigods. I think Dark Thugos is smart enough to work out when diplomacy is better than threats, even if you aren’t.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if he isn’t,” Yuki added, “we’re the Legion. We’ll find a way to kick his butt.”

    Mr Epitome glanced at her. “Just because Trickshot’s not here doesn’t mean you have to fill the arrogant bigmouth role,” he scowled.

    Yuki shrugged. “I’m over my being impressed by big looming bullies phase.” It wasn’t clear to whom that remark was addressed.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“The exchange,” Glory whined, prompting them back to business.

    Amber reluctantly moved forward. “In our preliminary negotiations, we agreed that the prisoners we return will be held on Apocalyspe and never come back to this world,” she noted. “They will be punished in non-lethal manner in accordance with your local criminal justice systems…”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh yes,” chuckled Granny gleefully. “They’ve been naughty boys and their Granny is very cross with them.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will be held accountable for their actions regarding Special Resolution 1066 and the Parody War, but also for their previous crimes in kidnapping humans to Apocalyspe for their inhuman war games.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will pay for their failures,” Thugos promised. “I have spoken.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You agree to the terms?” Mr Epitome liked things clear.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I agree.”

    Yuki nodded. “I’ll bring the prisoners out, then,” she acknowledged, turning to the holding cells.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That will not be necessary,” intoned the tyrant. His eyes flared and livid red beams darted from them. They curved around Epitome and Yuki and passed through the holding cell walls to engulf the prisoners in lurid crimson fire. Kwatrain, Steppenstoat, and Stuart had just enough time to scream before they were consumed. “They have been returned to Apocalyspe to await my mercy,” declared Dark Thugos.

    Amber suppressed a shudder. “Well… that’s very nice, then,” she said.

    Thugos turned to look at Epitome before he left. “You survived on Apocalyspe,” he noted. “You and your woman.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes,” agreed the paragon of power. “That’s a nasty vicious planet you have there.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You are amongst the strong,” Thugos approved.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am amongst the free,” Epitome replied. “Every tyrant should fear us.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, this day’s going well,” Amber said in a high brittle voice. “Canapés, anyone?”

***


    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Lee Bookman, former Librarian of Sector 7272, you stand accused…” intoned the Governor who was to act as prosecutor in the hearing upon the actions of the Librarian Legionnaire during the Parody War.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh do be quiet,” interrupted Lee. He hopped over the barrier rail and dropped onto the floor of the Inquisition Chamber. “Automatic systems over-ride Delbrulian Comsalach Truvane Achidromos. Transfer all Central Repository systems to my voice command.”

    There was a surprised hiccup from the Repository A.I.s as over-ride codes that had been forgotten for millennia cut in. The ancient commands had priorities higher than any that could be placed into the system these days, commands placed there by the Founding Librarians themselves.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” demanded the Governor.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I downloaded the entire Grand Archive through my head,” Lee pointed out. “You think I didn’t index IOL over-ride codes?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“But…”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“So now we’re going to stop this hypocritical charade and sort a few things out,” the Librarian demanded. “Anyone who thinks differently is welcome to deal with the A.L.F.s and data entities who now work for me.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is against all Library procedure!” shouted Supervisor Garth. “This is…”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is long overdue,” interrupted Selinda Saxmendrim. “Go, Lee!”

    Leonard H. Bookman stood in the centre of the speaking circle and addressed his accusers – and every librarian in the Intergalactic Order. “First to the charges. I resigned as a Librarian when this organisation surrendered its mission and its facilities to the interplanetary tyrant the Parody Master. You didn’t keep the sacred data safe, and you were willing to give it to a enemy of creation to save your skins. You violated the sacred vows we make about the sanctity of the material we hold.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“But the archive would have been destroyed otherwise,” protested Auditor Blay-Kee. “Billions of years of documents lost forever.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“If that’s the price we have to pay for upholding our oath to keep the data from those who shouldn’t have it then that’s what we should have done,” Lee answered gravely. “Fortunately the Grand Librarian has a different idea. He arranged for me to be brought here, and for the entire archive to be downloaded through me, emptying the data banks in the Central Repository so they’d be useless to the Parody Master.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We were all nearly executed for that!” Garth accused.

    Lee didn’t care. “Meanwhile, the Board of my local library branch, the Lunar Public Library, used a seldom-invoked clause of our charter to declare independence from the IOL. Nobody’s done that for a very long time, but as I’ve just demonstrated with those over-ride codes, just because it hasn’t been done in a while doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. Professor Blargelslarch and my trustees separated my library from the IOL, so I was able to donate the great archive to the systems there.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No mere branch library could hold the grand archive,” a Governor scorned.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And no mere Librarian could be a conduit for so much data without going mad,” Lee added. “We improvised. The data is secure.”

    There was a collective buzz of relief amongst the librarians. Some began to sob.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“But before I let you have the archive back,” Lee Bookman announced to the IOL, “if I let you have the archive back, we’re going to get over this hypocritical nonsense of pretending that the Governors didn’t betray our high calling. We’re going to remind ourselves of the purpose of libraries in inform, educate, and enlighten the public. And we’re going to get past all this rubbish about Auditor fleets and Inquisitors and executions.” He suddenly grinned a manic smile. “We’re going to make some changes.”

***


    Visionary’s editorial comment as he dropped through myriad strange dimensions suspended by a thin monofilament thread and a life-preserving atmospheric sheath harness: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!”

    He briefly glimpsed – and dismissed – dozens, maybe hundreds, of bizarre new worlds. The worst were the ones where the inhabitants seemed to recognise him and wave back. He dropped into regions where smell registered as sight and sight as sound. He passed momentarily through a zone where his body was inverted and he could clearly see his internal organs trailing merrily behind him. Then he landed with a soft plop into a mound of goo not unlike that of the Manga Shoggoth he was looking for.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well,” said the man in black who was standing on top of the custard-skin surface of the protoplasm. “This is a pleasant surprise.”

    It wasn’t that happy a moment for Visionary. “Nyalurkhotep,” he recognised.

    The prime servitor of the Fairly Great Old Ones nodded and looked down at the little human whose soul he had once tried to devour. “That’s right,” agreed the man in black. “I’d come along to consume the Shoggoth, of course, but you’ll make a very welcome dessert.”

    
***


    Chiaki walked with a balanced poise that gave no indication that only a few days earlier she’d taken a poisoned blade through her chest cavity. She arrived early, decided on the best watchpoint, and moved to the position.

    She found Champagne keeping watch from it.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh, hi,” the international jewel thief greeted the Psychic Samurai. “I guess we had the same instincts.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I like to check out potential clients before I meet them if I can,” Chiaki Bushido noted. “That’s why I’m early. I don’t know you.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you know I’m the kind of girl who arrives early too,” Champagne pointed out. “Shall we discuss business now or would you prefer to wait until the time we agreed?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Now’s fine,” the Samurai agreed. “I’m curious why we had to meet outside St Jude’s Orphanage in Hell’s Bathroom.”

    Champagne looked down at the battered brownstone house. “Did you know that St Jude was the patron saint of lost causes?” she asked.

    Chiaki cut to the chase. “What’s the job?” she asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’d like to put you on retainer,” Champagne replied. “Not exclusively, of course. You’re quite a liberty to do whatever else you need to do. But I’d like you to keep an eye on that orphanage as well.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“On the orphanage?”

    The jewel thief nodded. “You see, until recently Trickshot kept an eye on the place, and that was enough to deter the local thugs from getting ambitious. And Police Commissioner Graham’s daughter was a teacher there. Both of them are gone now.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think somebody might try and do something nasty to the orphans?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s been tried before. This is a bad neighbourhood, and that’s one of the very few good things in it. The Lair Legion can’t always keep an eye out here – and you’re reputed to be very good at anticipating trouble.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You want me to bodyguard a whole orphanage. What’s your interest?”

    Champagne smiled. “Rumour has it that St Jude’s used to receive large anonymous donations that kept it going, up to the point where the vigilante assassin Cobra disappeared. I hear that there’s going to be another substantial contribution turning up sometime soon, and I’d like to make sure it gets to the children and they get to keep it.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if you’re really the Psychic Samurai you know the rest already,” Champagne pointed out. “I travel a lot. You seem to be mostly based in Paradopolis these days. Will you take the retainer?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Who knows about this?” Chiaki asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Whoever you tell and nobody else,” Champagne replied. “And I’d like to be kept out of it altogether.”

    Chiaki would have taken the commission even without the money. “I agree,” she said. “I’ll protect them.”

    Champagne handed over a dossier. “Here’s my best threat assessment. Local crooks, gangs, political issues, old rivalries, lines of fire, enemies and allies, the usual thing. Good luck.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You sound like you’re expecting trouble,” frowned Chiaki. “Is there something I don’t know?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not for long, I’d imagine.”

***


    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why Jay,” purred Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo, “how delightful to see an old friend.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Old friends don’t throw their injured comrades into the transdimensional vortex to be captured and tortured by the Parody Master,” Hatman replied. He hadn’t come to the Safe to trade banter with the villainess who had secretly infiltrated the Lair Legion for the better part of a year as Citizen Z.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“They do when they’re weaklings who don’t have what it takes to make the hard decisions,” Beth replied. “I acted for the good of the world. CrazySugarFreakBoy! made a much better leader.”

    Dreamcatcher Foxglove made a rude sound. “You thought I was an easier mark, is all,” he accused. “You tried to kill Hatty then you shot me in the head.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You were an easier mark,” the Baroness told him. “I’m surprised you’re still alive after your encounter with your President yesterday. Or hasn’t Dominic caught up with you yet?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Mr Epitome tried to throw me through a wall,” CSFB! beamed. “Of course, I bounce.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you’ve settled once and for all the question of whether you’re fit to lead the Lair Legion,” Beth smirked. “It’s a good job Jay decided to leave his imaginary love nest with sweet little Zdenka and come back to take charge of your sadly reduced band of super-boy-scouts.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’re not here to trade gossip, Baroness,” Hatman scowled. “We have questions.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“But my counsel isn’t present,” the villainess noted. “Isn’t this an infringement of my human rights?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t conquering the planet an infringement of human rights?” CSFB! demanded hotly.

    The Baroness shook her head. “Not when it was a necessary part of saving the world from the aggression of the Parody Master,” she replied. “Conventional defences had failed. The Legion and dear Sir Mumphrey had failed. I had to step up to the plate and do what was required. But I’m sure you’ll hear lots more about that when I have my day in court.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You don’t seriously think anybody will buy that?” Hatman asked.

    The Baroness leaned back in her chair and smirked again.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We have questions,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! repeated. “What did you do with Laurie?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie who?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie Leyton, who you impersonated right down to a psychic level,” Hatman growled. “We know you did something nasty to her in your cellars. Where is she now?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you must have me mixed up with somebody who answers naive stupid questions from effete superheroes,” the Baroness replied.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s your grandfather, Baron Otto?” CSFB! shot at her. “What’s he doing now?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“My dear grandfather died many years ago. I can show you his death certificate.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s Captain Kaan gone?” Hatman demanded. “Where did he take that dimensional dreadnaught that defected?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Kaan has gone? And taken an entire planet-destorying warship with him?” Beth shook her head sadly. “How disturbing.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“He’s not got the Parody Master backing his ship any more,” Hatman acknowledged, “but he could still be trouble.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes indeed,” the Baroness agreed. “You must be quite worried.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What about Silicone Sally?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! challenged. “Any idea where she’ll have slunk off to after she dripped off your fat ass when the PM zapped you?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I really don’t think that some who is married to Alice April Apple should go around insulting other people’s vital statistics,” Elizabeth von Zemo replied. “Tell me, when you and she take that pensioner from Faerie to bed with you do you call her ‘mommy’?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Give it up, Baroness,” Hatman advised. “You might think you’re playing the clever adversary with an ace in the hole. We know you’re actually being the defeated inadequate world conqueror who got taken down despite her treacheries and brutalities and is going to spend the rest of her natural life in prisons like this. Your dumb impostor games placed the whole world in danger and nobody’s going to forget that. You’re just about the most hated person on the planet now and it’s a pleasure to see you punished for your crimes.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or to put it another way, you got your wide ass whupped by a bunch of kids and Sir Mumphrey Wilton,” CSFB! snickered. “You’re not going to Disneyland.”

    The Baroness scowled slightly, but whatever retort she was about to make never passed her lips as the lights went out all over the Safe. The emergency back-ups painted the prison with a livid red light until they also faded out. The alarm klaxons fell silent with a dying wail.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Trouble,” Hatman frowned, reaching for his comm-card.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You should have left the jailbreak attempt until we weren’t here, Bethie,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! warned the Baroness.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is nothing to do with me, moron,” she snapped back. “I was near the top off the Parody Master’s kill list. You think I’d want to release a couple of thousand Avawarriors into a high-security confined area with me?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“There’s no radio signal behind these shielded walls,” Hatman discovered. He pulled on his Steelers hat. “We’re on our own.”

***


    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That seemed to go very well, Mister Skinner,” noted Mr Flay. The two men in their conservative business suits were stood in the grounds of the abandoned Flanagan Carnival that had once shared Flanagan Island with the metahuman penitentiary.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Very well indeed, Mr Flay. I imagine that Warden Westwood and the others will be somewhat perturbed at the moment.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Somewhat perturbed indeed, Mr Skinner. I believe we can move on to our next task.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s encouraging, Mr Flay. I haven’t broken anyone’s bones since that iced-cream salesgirl this morning.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“She won’t forget your sprinkles again, Mr Skinner.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s true, Mr Flay. On account of me twisting her head off.”

    The unusual pair vanished before the security clampdown became total.

***


    Whitney Darkness, Ebony of Nubilia, and Liu Xi Xian moved their way carefully through the vast shell of the burned out manufacturing plant that loomed over Black’s Crossing. The only light filtered down in dusty shafts through rents in the corrugated iron roof. Occasional pigeons disturbed the dust on the beams above, scattering ash down to join their guano on the detritus of the floor.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something’s wrong,” warned Sorceress.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“This whole place is wrong,” Ebony pointed out. “The atmosphere is…”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“She means something’s specifically wrong now,” Liu Xi clarified. “The dimensions are shifting somehow. It feels like things are closing in around us. Like a trap.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t that likely to be why Xander sent us here?” Ebony checked. “He knew there was some evil that needed to be dealt with, something that he would normally handle.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or manipulate someone else to handle.” Sorceress had no illusions about her absent father, the master of the mystic crafts. “But he’s not the Hooded Hood. Xander doesn’t play games for the sheer pleasure of it.” She frowned and reached for the letter in her pocket. “Why didn’t he give us more information?”

    Liu Xi looked around sharply as a movement in the shadows caught her eye. It was only a rat. “This feels strange,” she admitted. “Like we walked into a movie.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“A horror movie, where the girls get slaughtered one by one,” Ebony agreed. “Let’s not split up and search separately. And maybe we should consider sending out for back-up.”

    Whitney agreed and thumbed her comm-card. “Hallie? It’s Whit, in Black’s Crossing of all place. We could use some help. Who’s available?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sorry Whitney,” the voice of the Legion’s A.I. replied. “You’ve not been around much for us lately. Why should we bail you out? You think we’ve forgotten how you sold us out to the Hooded Hood and let him shape a world where half the team were dead just so you and Jay could be all right?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” gasped Liu Xi as Sorceress turned pale. “That can’t be… No way would she say that.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Check your letters,” Ebony warned, staring at the missive she held in her own trembling hand. The document now read entirely differently:

    Ebony, I’m writing this not because I think you’ll care but just to let you know how badly I miss my father, who you murdered along with so many others that you’ve fed to that elder monster you worship. Sure, dad was stupid and got caught up with some weird psycho cult that was doing weird things, but I know he’d have pulled round and become himself again if only you hadn’t brought that thing to slaughter him…

    Liu Xi quickly glanced down at her own letter; …could have had my love, could have turned me around, taught me what it means to be human, to be a hero. But now I know what I am – a monster, a Doomherald, so from now on no restraint, no attempts at humanity, just death, murder and death, and every one of them will be dedicated to you, my faithless flower, every single time I kill will be in your name and it will be because of you…

    The young elementalist swallowed hard. “We have to get out of here!” she cried, grabbing Sorceress and Ebony and manipulating the fifth Chinese element void to transport them far from that terrible place.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hold on…!” warned Whitney, but by then Liu Xi could already feel the void tearing under her, dropping them out of reality to somewhere else.

    Sorceress just had time to glimpse her own letter as they fell into hell. It simply said: Got you.

***



Continued...

***


Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.





Al B. Harper


 Subject: How mysterious! [Re: The epilogue to the Parody War struggles on from... the Hooded Hood]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 07:49:17 am EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows XP




Rhiannon


 Subject: Fun beginning scary ending. [Re: The epilogue to the Parody War struggles on from... the Hooded Hood]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 07:56:10 am EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows XP

>
#322: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Ever After - Part Two
>
> Go to Part 1
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer.”
>
>     Sarah Shepherdson turned over in bed and saw Harry smiling down at her.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Er, what?” she answered, trying to cover he panic at being identified as a member of the Lair Legion.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer,” Harry repeated, still smiling. “You look just like her.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Um yes,” Shep agreed, pulling the bedclothes up around herself. “I’ve heard that before. But that doesn’t mean…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’ve even got her accent.”
>
>     Previously, Dancer’s probability powers had prevented anyone from making the logical connection between two athletic bubbly brunettes from County Mudd, Ireland who were never seen in the same place together. Had Dancer’s influence faded so much that she wasn’t covered now – except by a rumpled duvet?
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s not what you think, Harry,” Sarah said desperately.
>
>     Harry leaned back, still grinning. “And what am I thinking.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re thinking that I’m…” She frowned and looked at him again. “What are you thinking?”
>
>     Harry leaned forward. “I’m thinking that a girl who looks quite a bit like the Probability Dancer could do very well for herself. Have you ever thought about going on stage?”
>
>     Shep blinked. “On stage? I’m… So you don’t think…?”
>
>     Harry played with a lock of her long loose hair. “Hear me out, Sarah. I’m working as part of the crew for a new theatrical tour production: Lair Legion, the Musical. It’s all about the heroes of the Parody War. We’re casting now.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you’ve got this a bit confused, Harry. You’re supposed to tell me you can get me in the movies before you try to take me to bed.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Didn’t need to, did I?” Harry chuckled. “And don’t feel bad about that. I’m honoured to be the one that helped you get over your misery, at least for now. I’m totally okay being used only for sex for as long as you need me to. But I’ve got a job to do as well, and finding people to play the Legion on a major European tour is high on my list.” He looked thoughtful. “I don’t suppose you have an Australian friend who’s into bodybuilding, do you?”
>
>     Dancer caught her breath. “So let’s get this straight. You turn out to be a casting director for a Lair Legion musical…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Assistant to the assistant casting director,” Harry warned. “I can’t guarantee you anything.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you think I could play Dancer in a world tour?”
>
>     Harry shrugged. “I think you should at least audition,” he persuaded her. “Do you think you could act like Dancer?”
>
>
***

>
>     Liu Xi Xian got off the bus and looked around the gloomy industrial wasteland of Black’s Crossing. There was a chill in the air, as if it was going to snow, but she didn’t sense any weather patterns to account for it. The dull dirty buildings were mostly dark and many had broken windows.
>
>     The only occupants of the town square moved away from the burned out frontage of a video shop and came to meet her. “So, you got one too,” said Ebony of Nubilia.
>
>     Liu Xi knew what the the high priestess of the Manga Shoggoth was talking about, of course. The letter had arrived by overseas surface mail this morning, and she’d come immediately. “I didn’t understand it though,” she admitted. “Why would Xander want us to come here?”
>
>     The third woman present, Whitney Darkness, looked around her as a gust of wind whipped up the street trash. Liu Xi hadn’t seen quite that expression on Sorceress’ face before. The Chinese elementalist realised that Whitney Darkness was actually nervous. “I’ve been here before,” Sorceress admitted.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This place looks like a ghost town,” Liu Xi noted.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is,” Whitney answered. “Literally. I came here with the Legion years ago. Back then it was a horrible industrial place where people on the poverty line were trapped slaving their lives away in soul-destroying banal misery. The boss who owned the town was a very special kind of vampire, sucking the life from the whole population. It… wasn’t a pleasant visit.”
>
>     Liu Xi looked around her. There was something wrong about Black’s Crossing, something that set her teeth on edge. “You got him, though. The vampire?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“In the end,” shuddered Sorceress. “We cleaned this place. People were able to leave at last. The Bautista foundation helped them set up somewhere else. Not many folks chose to stay on.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then why did Xander write to me – to us – and ask us to come here today?” Liu Xi wondered.”
>
>     Ebony looked up at the grey sky that still seemed stained by the smog from the former factory. “You can sense it. This is still a thin place, where the usual barriers between the mortal and mundane and… the rest… aren’t quite strong enough. The Legion cleaned out the evil that had crept in here, but that just left a nice empty space for something else.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” Liu Xi sensed.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” agreed Whitney. “My father’s gone now. Hs letter made it clear that he and Cleone couldn’t stay around now because something is coming that he couldn’t stop. Something whose first move would be to destroy the sorcerer supreme.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So he needs us to mind the store for him,” Liu Xi agreed. “You know about high magics and things, Ebony’s an expert of dark cults and rituals, and I can sense elemental disturbances. Between us we can sub for a master of the mystic crafts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not too happy about being part of another Xander manipulation,” Ebony admitted. “He tends to get very close to the line, sometimes.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But he knows his evil,” Whitney sighed. “You know, I hoped I’d never have to come back here.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Was it bad?” asked Liu Xi, catching a little of Sorceress’ nervousness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The spirit possessing Hatman very nearly peeled the skin off my face,” she remembered with another shudder, “and that was the nicest part.”
>
>     Ebony was dangling a pebble on a piece of string and watching which way it swung. “I think we need to take a look around that derelict factory,” she admitted. “Just in case.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just in case we want to die?” Liu Xi asked.
>
>     The three women exchanged glances and moved towards the dark looming silhouette of the old Black Processing Plant.
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hello, Wally,” Hallie greeted the Lair Legion’s postman. “Anything interesting today?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Some kind of letters from England,” the old carrier noted. “Handwriting of Xander the Improbable, looks like. Addressed to Misses Darkness and Xian and to Lady Ebony. Sealed with wax and all.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s a while since we’ve had a letter from Xander,” Hallie commented. “I wonder what he wants? Put them on the side-table, Wally. Whit, Liu Xi, and Ebony aren’t here just now. I’ll let them know about the letters when they get back.”
>
>
***

>
>     The Doom Tube opened and the master of Apocalyspe strode out, his hands clasped behind his back, his grey granite face promising death and destruction wherever he went. Dark Thugos had recently returned to claim rulership of his tormented homeworld. A little way behind him came his prime servitor Granny Grimness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I didn’t need this my first day back on the job,” muttered Amber St Clare.
>
>     Mr Epitome moved forward to meet Thugos. “Ready?” he asked. He had no words of greeting for the former Destroyer of Tales, the former tyrant of a Sol Empire in another timeline. Glory and Yuki were also present in the Lair Mansion cell block for the meeting.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Bring the prisoners forward,” commanded Dark Thugos.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not so fast, Stoney,” Yuki interjecting, springing forward to block the archvillain’s path. “Before we hand over Splendiferous Stewart and General Steppenstoat and Kwatrain and the other Apocalyspian nasties who caused so much trouble here in the run-up to the Parody War we want to hear some assurances from you about what happens to them next.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You dare to question the will of Dark Thugos?” demanded Granny Grimness dangerously. Her large armoured bulk belied her thin ancient voice.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yep,” the cyborg P.I. agreed. “We do. Questioning the will of mad tyrants is pretty much our job description.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if I simply choose to remove my erring retainers from your inadequate containment facilities?” asked Dark Thugos.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then there will be unpleasantness,” Mr Epitome warned, staring him in the eye.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think you could stand against Dark Thugos and Granny Grimness?” scorned Granny, her face darkening with rage.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think your boss knows now isn’t the time to start a war with the Lair Legion,” Epitome replied. “Your world’s in ruins, your armies shattered, your weapons depleted. There are lots of nervous galactic powers and cosmic beings out there feeling a bit sensitive just now about warmongering demigods. I think Dark Thugos is smart enough to work out when diplomacy is better than threats, even if you aren’t.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if he isn’t,” Yuki added, “we’re the Legion. We’ll find a way to kick his butt.”
>
>     Mr Epitome glanced at her. “Just because Trickshot’s not here doesn’t mean you have to fill the arrogant bigmouth role,” he scowled.
>
>     Yuki shrugged. “I’m over my being impressed by big looming bullies phase.” It wasn’t clear to whom that remark was addressed.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The exchange,” Glory whined, prompting them back to business.
>
>     Amber reluctantly moved forward. “In our preliminary negotiations, we agreed that the prisoners we return will be held on Apocalyspe and never come back to this world,” she noted. “They will be punished in non-lethal manner in accordance with your local criminal justice systems…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh yes,” chuckled Granny gleefully. “They’ve been naughty boys and their Granny is very cross with them.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will be held accountable for their actions regarding Special Resolution 1066 and the Parody War, but also for their previous crimes in kidnapping humans to Apocalyspe for their inhuman war games.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will pay for their failures,” Thugos promised. “I have spoken.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You agree to the terms?” Mr Epitome liked things clear.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I agree.”
>
>     Yuki nodded. “I’ll bring the prisoners out, then,” she acknowledged, turning to the holding cells.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That will not be necessary,” intoned the tyrant. His eyes flared and livid red beams darted from them. They curved around Epitome and Yuki and passed through the holding cell walls to engulf the prisoners in lurid crimson fire. Kwatrain, Steppenstoat, and Stuart had just enough time to scream before they were consumed. “They have been returned to Apocalyspe to await my mercy,” declared Dark Thugos.
>
>     Amber suppressed a shudder. “Well… that’s very nice, then,” she said.
>
>     Thugos turned to look at Epitome before he left. “You survived on Apocalyspe,” he noted. “You and your woman.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes,” agreed the paragon of power. “That’s a nasty vicious planet you have there.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You are amongst the strong,” Thugos approved.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am amongst the free,” Epitome replied. “Every tyrant should fear us.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, this day’s going well,” Amber said in a high brittle voice. “Canapés, anyone?”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Lee Bookman, former Librarian of Sector 7272, you stand accused…” intoned the Governor who was to act as prosecutor in the hearing upon the actions of the Librarian Legionnaire during the Parody War.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh do be quiet,” interrupted Lee. He hopped over the barrier rail and dropped onto the floor of the Inquisition Chamber. “Automatic systems over-ride Delbrulian Comsalach Truvane Achidromos. Transfer all Central Repository systems to my voice command.”
>
>     There was a surprised hiccup from the Repository A.I.s as over-ride codes that had been forgotten for millennia cut in. The ancient commands had priorities higher than any that could be placed into the system these days, commands placed there by the Founding Librarians themselves.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” demanded the Governor.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I downloaded the entire Grand Archive through my head,” Lee pointed out. “You think I didn’t index IOL over-ride codes?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So now we’re going to stop this hypocritical charade and sort a few things out,” the Librarian demanded. “Anyone who thinks differently is welcome to deal with the A.L.F.s and data entities who now work for me.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is against all Library procedure!” shouted Supervisor Garth. “This is…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is long overdue,” interrupted Selinda Saxmendrim. “Go, Lee!”
>
>     Leonard H. Bookman stood in the centre of the speaking circle and addressed his accusers – and every librarian in the Intergalactic Order. “First to the charges. I resigned as a Librarian when this organisation surrendered its mission and its facilities to the interplanetary tyrant the Parody Master. You didn’t keep the sacred data safe, and you were willing to give it to a enemy of creation to save your skins. You violated the sacred vows we make about the sanctity of the material we hold.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But the archive would have been destroyed otherwise,” protested Auditor Blay-Kee. “Billions of years of documents lost forever.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“If that’s the price we have to pay for upholding our oath to keep the data from those who shouldn’t have it then that’s what we should have done,” Lee answered gravely. “Fortunately the Grand Librarian has a different idea. He arranged for me to be brought here, and for the entire archive to be downloaded through me, emptying the data banks in the Central Repository so they’d be useless to the Parody Master.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We were all nearly executed for that!” Garth accused.
>
>     Lee didn’t care. “Meanwhile, the Board of my local library branch, the Lunar Public Library, used a seldom-invoked clause of our charter to declare independence from the IOL. Nobody’s done that for a very long time, but as I’ve just demonstrated with those over-ride codes, just because it hasn’t been done in a while doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. Professor Blargelslarch and my trustees separated my library from the IOL, so I was able to donate the great archive to the systems there.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“No mere branch library could hold the grand archive,” a Governor scorned.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And no mere Librarian could be a conduit for so much data without going mad,” Lee added. “We improvised. The data is secure.”
>
>     There was a collective buzz of relief amongst the librarians. Some began to sob.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But before I let you have the archive back,” Lee Bookman announced to the IOL, “if I let you have the archive back, we’re going to get over this hypocritical nonsense of pretending that the Governors didn’t betray our high calling. We’re going to remind ourselves of the purpose of libraries in inform, educate, and enlighten the public. And we’re going to get past all this rubbish about Auditor fleets and Inquisitors and executions.” He suddenly grinned a manic smile. “We’re going to make some changes.”
>
>
***

>
>     Visionary’s editorial comment as he dropped through myriad strange dimensions suspended by a thin monofilament thread and a life-preserving atmospheric sheath harness: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!”
>
>     He briefly glimpsed – and dismissed – dozens, maybe hundreds, of bizarre new worlds. The worst were the ones where the inhabitants seemed to recognise him and wave back. He dropped into regions where smell registered as sight and sight as sound. He passed momentarily through a zone where his body was inverted and he could clearly see his internal organs trailing merrily behind him. Then he landed with a soft plop into a mound of goo not unlike that of the Manga Shoggoth he was looking for.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well,” said the man in black who was standing on top of the custard-skin surface of the protoplasm. “This is a pleasant surprise.”
>
>     It wasn’t that happy a moment for Visionary. “Nyalurkhotep,” he recognised.
>
>     The prime servitor of the Fairly Great Old Ones nodded and looked down at the little human whose soul he had once tried to devour. “That’s right,” agreed the man in black. “I’d come along to consume the Shoggoth, of course, but you’ll make a very welcome dessert.”
>
>     
>
***

>
>     Chiaki walked with a balanced poise that gave no indication that only a few days earlier she’d taken a poisoned blade through her chest cavity. She arrived early, decided on the best watchpoint, and moved to the position.
>
>     She found Champagne keeping watch from it.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh, hi,” the international jewel thief greeted the Psychic Samurai. “I guess we had the same instincts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I like to check out potential clients before I meet them if I can,” Chiaki Bushido noted. “That’s why I’m early. I don’t know you.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you know I’m the kind of girl who arrives early too,” Champagne pointed out. “Shall we discuss business now or would you prefer to wait until the time we agreed?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Now’s fine,” the Samurai agreed. “I’m curious why we had to meet outside St Jude’s Orphanage in Hell’s Bathroom.”
>
>     Champagne looked down at the battered brownstone house. “Did you know that St Jude was the patron saint of lost causes?” she asked.
>
>     Chiaki cut to the chase. “What’s the job?” she asked.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’d like to put you on retainer,” Champagne replied. “Not exclusively, of course. You’re quite a liberty to do whatever else you need to do. But I’d like you to keep an eye on that orphanage as well.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“On the orphanage?”
>
>     The jewel thief nodded. “You see, until recently Trickshot kept an eye on the place, and that was enough to deter the local thugs from getting ambitious. And Police Commissioner Graham’s daughter was a teacher there. Both of them are gone now.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think somebody might try and do something nasty to the orphans?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s been tried before. This is a bad neighbourhood, and that’s one of the very few good things in it. The Lair Legion can’t always keep an eye out here – and you’re reputed to be very good at anticipating trouble.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You want me to bodyguard a whole orphanage. What’s your interest?”
>
>     Champagne smiled. “Rumour has it that St Jude’s used to receive large anonymous donations that kept it going, up to the point where the vigilante assassin Cobra disappeared. I hear that there’s going to be another substantial contribution turning up sometime soon, and I’d like to make sure it gets to the children and they get to keep it.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if you’re really the Psychic Samurai you know the rest already,” Champagne pointed out. “I travel a lot. You seem to be mostly based in Paradopolis these days. Will you take the retainer?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Who knows about this?” Chiaki asked.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Whoever you tell and nobody else,” Champagne replied. “And I’d like to be kept out of it altogether.”
>
>     Chiaki would have taken the commission even without the money. “I agree,” she said. “I’ll protect them.”
>
>     Champagne handed over a dossier. “Here’s my best threat assessment. Local crooks, gangs, political issues, old rivalries, lines of fire, enemies and allies, the usual thing. Good luck.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You sound like you’re expecting trouble,” frowned Chiaki. “Is there something I don’t know?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not for long, I’d imagine.”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why Jay,” purred Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo, “how delightful to see an old friend.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Old friends don’t throw their injured comrades into the transdimensional vortex to be captured and tortured by the Parody Master,” Hatman replied. He hadn’t come to the Safe to trade banter with the villainess who had secretly infiltrated the Lair Legion for the better part of a year as Citizen Z.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They do when they’re weaklings who don’t have what it takes to make the hard decisions,” Beth replied. “I acted for the good of the world. CrazySugarFreakBoy! made a much better leader.”
>
>     Dreamcatcher Foxglove made a rude sound. “You thought I was an easier mark, is all,” he accused. “You tried to kill Hatty then you shot me in the head.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You were an easier mark,” the Baroness told him. “I’m surprised you’re still alive after your encounter with your President yesterday. Or hasn’t Dominic caught up with you yet?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Mr Epitome tried to throw me through a wall,” CSFB! beamed. “Of course, I bounce.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you’ve settled once and for all the question of whether you’re fit to lead the Lair Legion,” Beth smirked. “It’s a good job Jay decided to leave his imaginary love nest with sweet little Zdenka and come back to take charge of your sadly reduced band of super-boy-scouts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’re not here to trade gossip, Baroness,” Hatman scowled. “We have questions.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But my counsel isn’t present,” the villainess noted. “Isn’t this an infringement of my human rights?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t conquering the planet an infringement of human rights?” CSFB! demanded hotly.
>
>     The Baroness shook her head. “Not when it was a necessary part of saving the world from the aggression of the Parody Master,” she replied. “Conventional defences had failed. The Legion and dear Sir Mumphrey had failed. I had to step up to the plate and do what was required. But I’m sure you’ll hear lots more about that when I have my day in court.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You don’t seriously think anybody will buy that?” Hatman asked.
>
>     The Baroness leaned back in her chair and smirked again.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We have questions,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! repeated. “What did you do with Laurie?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie who?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie Leyton, who you impersonated right down to a psychic level,” Hatman growled. “We know you did something nasty to her in your cellars. Where is she now?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you must have me mixed up with somebody who answers naive stupid questions from effete superheroes,” the Baroness replied.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s your grandfather, Baron Otto?” CSFB! shot at her. “What’s he doing now?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“My dear grandfather died many years ago. I can show you his death certificate.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s Captain Kaan gone?” Hatman demanded. “Where did he take that dimensional dreadnaught that defected?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Kaan has gone? And taken an entire planet-destorying warship with him?” Beth shook her head sadly. “How disturbing.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“He’s not got the Parody Master backing his ship any more,” Hatman acknowledged, “but he could still be trouble.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes indeed,” the Baroness agreed. “You must be quite worried.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What about Silicone Sally?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! challenged. “Any idea where she’ll have slunk off to after she dripped off your fat ass when the PM zapped you?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I really don’t think that some who is married to Alice April Apple should go around insulting other people’s vital statistics,” Elizabeth von Zemo replied. “Tell me, when you and she take that pensioner from Faerie to bed with you do you call her ‘mommy’?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Give it up, Baroness,” Hatman advised. “You might think you’re playing the clever adversary with an ace in the hole. We know you’re actually being the defeated inadequate world conqueror who got taken down despite her treacheries and brutalities and is going to spend the rest of her natural life in prisons like this. Your dumb impostor games placed the whole world in danger and nobody’s going to forget that. You’re just about the most hated person on the planet now and it’s a pleasure to see you punished for your crimes.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or to put it another way, you got your wide ass whupped by a bunch of kids and Sir Mumphrey Wilton,” CSFB! snickered. “You’re not going to Disneyland.”
>
>     The Baroness scowled slightly, but whatever retort she was about to make never passed her lips as the lights went out all over the Safe. The emergency back-ups painted the prison with a livid red light until they also faded out. The alarm klaxons fell silent with a dying wail.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Trouble,” Hatman frowned, reaching for his comm-card.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You should have left the jailbreak attempt until we weren’t here, Bethie,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! warned the Baroness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is nothing to do with me, moron,” she snapped back. “I was near the top off the Parody Master’s kill list. You think I’d want to release a couple of thousand Avawarriors into a high-security confined area with me?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“There’s no radio signal behind these shielded walls,” Hatman discovered. He pulled on his Steelers hat. “We’re on our own.”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That seemed to go very well, Mister Skinner,” noted Mr Flay. The two men in their conservative business suits were stood in the grounds of the abandoned Flanagan Carnival that had once shared Flanagan Island with the metahuman penitentiary.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Very well indeed, Mr Flay. I imagine that Warden Westwood and the others will be somewhat perturbed at the moment.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Somewhat perturbed indeed, Mr Skinner. I believe we can move on to our next task.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s encouraging, Mr Flay. I haven’t broken anyone’s bones since that iced-cream salesgirl this morning.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She won’t forget your sprinkles again, Mr Skinner.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s true, Mr Flay. On account of me twisting her head off.”
>
>     The unusual pair vanished before the security clampdown became total.
>
>
***

>
>     Whitney Darkness, Ebony of Nubilia, and Liu Xi Xian moved their way carefully through the vast shell of the burned out manufacturing plant that loomed over Black’s Crossing. The only light filtered down in dusty shafts through rents in the corrugated iron roof. Occasional pigeons disturbed the dust on the beams above, scattering ash down to join their guano on the detritus of the floor.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something’s wrong,” warned Sorceress.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This whole place is wrong,” Ebony pointed out. “The atmosphere is…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She means something’s specifically wrong now,” Liu Xi clarified. “The dimensions are shifting somehow. It feels like things are closing in around us. Like a trap.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t that likely to be why Xander sent us here?” Ebony checked. “He knew there was some evil that needed to be dealt with, something that he would normally handle.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or manipulate someone else to handle.” Sorceress had no illusions about her absent father, the master of the mystic crafts. “But he’s not the Hooded Hood. Xander doesn’t play games for the sheer pleasure of it.” She frowned and reached for the letter in her pocket. “Why didn’t he give us more information?”
>
>     Liu Xi looked around sharply as a movement in the shadows caught her eye. It was only a rat. “This feels strange,” she admitted. “Like we walked into a movie.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“A horror movie, where the girls get slaughtered one by one,” Ebony agreed. “Let’s not split up and search separately. And maybe we should consider sending out for back-up.”
>
>     Whitney agreed and thumbed her comm-card. “Hallie? It’s Whit, in Black’s Crossing of all place. We could use some help. Who’s available?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sorry Whitney,” the voice of the Legion’s A.I. replied. “You’ve not been around much for us lately. Why should we bail you out? You think we’ve forgotten how you sold us out to the Hooded Hood and let him shape a world where half the team were dead just so you and Jay could be all right?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” gasped Liu Xi as Sorceress turned pale. “That can’t be… No way would she say that.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Check your letters,” Ebony warned, staring at the missive she held in her own trembling hand. The document now read entirely differently:
>
>     Ebony, I’m writing this not because I think you’ll care but just to let you know how badly I miss my father, who you murdered along with so many others that you’ve fed to that elder monster you worship. Sure, dad was stupid and got caught up with some weird psycho cult that was doing weird things, but I know he’d have pulled round and become himself again if only you hadn’t brought that thing to slaughter him…
>
>     Liu Xi quickly glanced down at her own letter; …could have had my love, could have turned me around, taught me what it means to be human, to be a hero. But now I know what I am – a monster, a Doomherald, so from now on no restraint, no attempts at humanity, just death, murder and death, and every one of them will be dedicated to you, my faithless flower, every single time I kill will be in your name and it will be because of you…
>
>     The young elementalist swallowed hard. “We have to get out of here!” she cried, grabbing Sorceress and Ebony and manipulating the fifth Chinese element void to transport them far from that terrible place.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hold on…!” warned Whitney, but by then Liu Xi could already feel the void tearing under her, dropping them out of reality to somewhere else.
>
>     Sorceress just had time to glimpse her own letter as they fell into hell. It simply said: Got you.
>
>
***

>
>
> Continued...
>
>
***

>
> Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.






Rhiannon


 Subject: Fun beginning scary ending. [Re: The epilogue to the Parody War struggles on from... the Hooded Hood]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 07:56:13 am EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows XP

>
#322: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Ever After - Part Two
>
> Go to Part 1
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer.”
>
>     Sarah Shepherdson turned over in bed and saw Harry smiling down at her.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Er, what?” she answered, trying to cover he panic at being identified as a member of the Lair Legion.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer,” Harry repeated, still smiling. “You look just like her.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Um yes,” Shep agreed, pulling the bedclothes up around herself. “I’ve heard that before. But that doesn’t mean…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’ve even got her accent.”
>
>     Previously, Dancer’s probability powers had prevented anyone from making the logical connection between two athletic bubbly brunettes from County Mudd, Ireland who were never seen in the same place together. Had Dancer’s influence faded so much that she wasn’t covered now – except by a rumpled duvet?
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s not what you think, Harry,” Sarah said desperately.
>
>     Harry leaned back, still grinning. “And what am I thinking.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re thinking that I’m…” She frowned and looked at him again. “What are you thinking?”
>
>     Harry leaned forward. “I’m thinking that a girl who looks quite a bit like the Probability Dancer could do very well for herself. Have you ever thought about going on stage?”
>
>     Shep blinked. “On stage? I’m… So you don’t think…?”
>
>     Harry played with a lock of her long loose hair. “Hear me out, Sarah. I’m working as part of the crew for a new theatrical tour production: Lair Legion, the Musical. It’s all about the heroes of the Parody War. We’re casting now.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you’ve got this a bit confused, Harry. You’re supposed to tell me you can get me in the movies before you try to take me to bed.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Didn’t need to, did I?” Harry chuckled. “And don’t feel bad about that. I’m honoured to be the one that helped you get over your misery, at least for now. I’m totally okay being used only for sex for as long as you need me to. But I’ve got a job to do as well, and finding people to play the Legion on a major European tour is high on my list.” He looked thoughtful. “I don’t suppose you have an Australian friend who’s into bodybuilding, do you?”
>
>     Dancer caught her breath. “So let’s get this straight. You turn out to be a casting director for a Lair Legion musical…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Assistant to the assistant casting director,” Harry warned. “I can’t guarantee you anything.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you think I could play Dancer in a world tour?”
>
>     Harry shrugged. “I think you should at least audition,” he persuaded her. “Do you think you could act like Dancer?”
>
>
***

>
>     Liu Xi Xian got off the bus and looked around the gloomy industrial wasteland of Black’s Crossing. There was a chill in the air, as if it was going to snow, but she didn’t sense any weather patterns to account for it. The dull dirty buildings were mostly dark and many had broken windows.
>
>     The only occupants of the town square moved away from the burned out frontage of a video shop and came to meet her. “So, you got one too,” said Ebony of Nubilia.
>
>     Liu Xi knew what the the high priestess of the Manga Shoggoth was talking about, of course. The letter had arrived by overseas surface mail this morning, and she’d come immediately. “I didn’t understand it though,” she admitted. “Why would Xander want us to come here?”
>
>     The third woman present, Whitney Darkness, looked around her as a gust of wind whipped up the street trash. Liu Xi hadn’t seen quite that expression on Sorceress’ face before. The Chinese elementalist realised that Whitney Darkness was actually nervous. “I’ve been here before,” Sorceress admitted.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This place looks like a ghost town,” Liu Xi noted.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is,” Whitney answered. “Literally. I came here with the Legion years ago. Back then it was a horrible industrial place where people on the poverty line were trapped slaving their lives away in soul-destroying banal misery. The boss who owned the town was a very special kind of vampire, sucking the life from the whole population. It… wasn’t a pleasant visit.”
>
>     Liu Xi looked around her. There was something wrong about Black’s Crossing, something that set her teeth on edge. “You got him, though. The vampire?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“In the end,” shuddered Sorceress. “We cleaned this place. People were able to leave at last. The Bautista foundation helped them set up somewhere else. Not many folks chose to stay on.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then why did Xander write to me – to us – and ask us to come here today?” Liu Xi wondered.”
>
>     Ebony looked up at the grey sky that still seemed stained by the smog from the former factory. “You can sense it. This is still a thin place, where the usual barriers between the mortal and mundane and… the rest… aren’t quite strong enough. The Legion cleaned out the evil that had crept in here, but that just left a nice empty space for something else.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” Liu Xi sensed.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” agreed Whitney. “My father’s gone now. Hs letter made it clear that he and Cleone couldn’t stay around now because something is coming that he couldn’t stop. Something whose first move would be to destroy the sorcerer supreme.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So he needs us to mind the store for him,” Liu Xi agreed. “You know about high magics and things, Ebony’s an expert of dark cults and rituals, and I can sense elemental disturbances. Between us we can sub for a master of the mystic crafts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not too happy about being part of another Xander manipulation,” Ebony admitted. “He tends to get very close to the line, sometimes.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But he knows his evil,” Whitney sighed. “You know, I hoped I’d never have to come back here.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Was it bad?” asked Liu Xi, catching a little of Sorceress’ nervousness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The spirit possessing Hatman very nearly peeled the skin off my face,” she remembered with another shudder, “and that was the nicest part.”
>
>     Ebony was dangling a pebble on a piece of string and watching which way it swung. “I think we need to take a look around that derelict factory,” she admitted. “Just in case.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just in case we want to die?” Liu Xi asked.
>
>     The three women exchanged glances and moved towards the dark looming silhouette of the old Black Processing Plant.
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hello, Wally,” Hallie greeted the Lair Legion’s postman. “Anything interesting today?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Some kind of letters from England,” the old carrier noted. “Handwriting of Xander the Improbable, looks like. Addressed to Misses Darkness and Xian and to Lady Ebony. Sealed with wax and all.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s a while since we’ve had a letter from Xander,” Hallie commented. “I wonder what he wants? Put them on the side-table, Wally. Whit, Liu Xi, and Ebony aren’t here just now. I’ll let them know about the letters when they get back.”
>
>
***

>
>     The Doom Tube opened and the master of Apocalyspe strode out, his hands clasped behind his back, his grey granite face promising death and destruction wherever he went. Dark Thugos had recently returned to claim rulership of his tormented homeworld. A little way behind him came his prime servitor Granny Grimness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I didn’t need this my first day back on the job,” muttered Amber St Clare.
>
>     Mr Epitome moved forward to meet Thugos. “Ready?” he asked. He had no words of greeting for the former Destroyer of Tales, the former tyrant of a Sol Empire in another timeline. Glory and Yuki were also present in the Lair Mansion cell block for the meeting.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Bring the prisoners forward,” commanded Dark Thugos.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not so fast, Stoney,” Yuki interjecting, springing forward to block the archvillain’s path. “Before we hand over Splendiferous Stewart and General Steppenstoat and Kwatrain and the other Apocalyspian nasties who caused so much trouble here in the run-up to the Parody War we want to hear some assurances from you about what happens to them next.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You dare to question the will of Dark Thugos?” demanded Granny Grimness dangerously. Her large armoured bulk belied her thin ancient voice.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yep,” the cyborg P.I. agreed. “We do. Questioning the will of mad tyrants is pretty much our job description.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if I simply choose to remove my erring retainers from your inadequate containment facilities?” asked Dark Thugos.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then there will be unpleasantness,” Mr Epitome warned, staring him in the eye.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think you could stand against Dark Thugos and Granny Grimness?” scorned Granny, her face darkening with rage.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think your boss knows now isn’t the time to start a war with the Lair Legion,” Epitome replied. “Your world’s in ruins, your armies shattered, your weapons depleted. There are lots of nervous galactic powers and cosmic beings out there feeling a bit sensitive just now about warmongering demigods. I think Dark Thugos is smart enough to work out when diplomacy is better than threats, even if you aren’t.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if he isn’t,” Yuki added, “we’re the Legion. We’ll find a way to kick his butt.”
>
>     Mr Epitome glanced at her. “Just because Trickshot’s not here doesn’t mean you have to fill the arrogant bigmouth role,” he scowled.
>
>     Yuki shrugged. “I’m over my being impressed by big looming bullies phase.” It wasn’t clear to whom that remark was addressed.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The exchange,” Glory whined, prompting them back to business.
>
>     Amber reluctantly moved forward. “In our preliminary negotiations, we agreed that the prisoners we return will be held on Apocalyspe and never come back to this world,” she noted. “They will be punished in non-lethal manner in accordance with your local criminal justice systems…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh yes,” chuckled Granny gleefully. “They’ve been naughty boys and their Granny is very cross with them.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will be held accountable for their actions regarding Special Resolution 1066 and the Parody War, but also for their previous crimes in kidnapping humans to Apocalyspe for their inhuman war games.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will pay for their failures,” Thugos promised. “I have spoken.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You agree to the terms?” Mr Epitome liked things clear.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I agree.”
>
>     Yuki nodded. “I’ll bring the prisoners out, then,” she acknowledged, turning to the holding cells.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That will not be necessary,” intoned the tyrant. His eyes flared and livid red beams darted from them. They curved around Epitome and Yuki and passed through the holding cell walls to engulf the prisoners in lurid crimson fire. Kwatrain, Steppenstoat, and Stuart had just enough time to scream before they were consumed. “They have been returned to Apocalyspe to await my mercy,” declared Dark Thugos.
>
>     Amber suppressed a shudder. “Well… that’s very nice, then,” she said.
>
>     Thugos turned to look at Epitome before he left. “You survived on Apocalyspe,” he noted. “You and your woman.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes,” agreed the paragon of power. “That’s a nasty vicious planet you have there.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You are amongst the strong,” Thugos approved.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am amongst the free,” Epitome replied. “Every tyrant should fear us.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, this day’s going well,” Amber said in a high brittle voice. “Canapés, anyone?”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Lee Bookman, former Librarian of Sector 7272, you stand accused…” intoned the Governor who was to act as prosecutor in the hearing upon the actions of the Librarian Legionnaire during the Parody War.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh do be quiet,” interrupted Lee. He hopped over the barrier rail and dropped onto the floor of the Inquisition Chamber. “Automatic systems over-ride Delbrulian Comsalach Truvane Achidromos. Transfer all Central Repository systems to my voice command.”
>
>     There was a surprised hiccup from the Repository A.I.s as over-ride codes that had been forgotten for millennia cut in. The ancient commands had priorities higher than any that could be placed into the system these days, commands placed there by the Founding Librarians themselves.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” demanded the Governor.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I downloaded the entire Grand Archive through my head,” Lee pointed out. “You think I didn’t index IOL over-ride codes?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So now we’re going to stop this hypocritical charade and sort a few things out,” the Librarian demanded. “Anyone who thinks differently is welcome to deal with the A.L.F.s and data entities who now work for me.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is against all Library procedure!” shouted Supervisor Garth. “This is…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is long overdue,” interrupted Selinda Saxmendrim. “Go, Lee!”
>
>     Leonard H. Bookman stood in the centre of the speaking circle and addressed his accusers – and every librarian in the Intergalactic Order. “First to the charges. I resigned as a Librarian when this organisation surrendered its mission and its facilities to the interplanetary tyrant the Parody Master. You didn’t keep the sacred data safe, and you were willing to give it to a enemy of creation to save your skins. You violated the sacred vows we make about the sanctity of the material we hold.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But the archive would have been destroyed otherwise,” protested Auditor Blay-Kee. “Billions of years of documents lost forever.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“If that’s the price we have to pay for upholding our oath to keep the data from those who shouldn’t have it then that’s what we should have done,” Lee answered gravely. “Fortunately the Grand Librarian has a different idea. He arranged for me to be brought here, and for the entire archive to be downloaded through me, emptying the data banks in the Central Repository so they’d be useless to the Parody Master.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We were all nearly executed for that!” Garth accused.
>
>     Lee didn’t care. “Meanwhile, the Board of my local library branch, the Lunar Public Library, used a seldom-invoked clause of our charter to declare independence from the IOL. Nobody’s done that for a very long time, but as I’ve just demonstrated with those over-ride codes, just because it hasn’t been done in a while doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. Professor Blargelslarch and my trustees separated my library from the IOL, so I was able to donate the great archive to the systems there.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“No mere branch library could hold the grand archive,” a Governor scorned.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And no mere Librarian could be a conduit for so much data without going mad,” Lee added. “We improvised. The data is secure.”
>
>     There was a collective buzz of relief amongst the librarians. Some began to sob.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But before I let you have the archive back,” Lee Bookman announced to the IOL, “if I let you have the archive back, we’re going to get over this hypocritical nonsense of pretending that the Governors didn’t betray our high calling. We’re going to remind ourselves of the purpose of libraries in inform, educate, and enlighten the public. And we’re going to get past all this rubbish about Auditor fleets and Inquisitors and executions.” He suddenly grinned a manic smile. “We’re going to make some changes.”
>
>
***

>
>     Visionary’s editorial comment as he dropped through myriad strange dimensions suspended by a thin monofilament thread and a life-preserving atmospheric sheath harness: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!”
>
>     He briefly glimpsed – and dismissed – dozens, maybe hundreds, of bizarre new worlds. The worst were the ones where the inhabitants seemed to recognise him and wave back. He dropped into regions where smell registered as sight and sight as sound. He passed momentarily through a zone where his body was inverted and he could clearly see his internal organs trailing merrily behind him. Then he landed with a soft plop into a mound of goo not unlike that of the Manga Shoggoth he was looking for.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well,” said the man in black who was standing on top of the custard-skin surface of the protoplasm. “This is a pleasant surprise.”
>
>     It wasn’t that happy a moment for Visionary. “Nyalurkhotep,” he recognised.
>
>     The prime servitor of the Fairly Great Old Ones nodded and looked down at the little human whose soul he had once tried to devour. “That’s right,” agreed the man in black. “I’d come along to consume the Shoggoth, of course, but you’ll make a very welcome dessert.”
>
>     
>
***

>
>     Chiaki walked with a balanced poise that gave no indication that only a few days earlier she’d taken a poisoned blade through her chest cavity. She arrived early, decided on the best watchpoint, and moved to the position.
>
>     She found Champagne keeping watch from it.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh, hi,” the international jewel thief greeted the Psychic Samurai. “I guess we had the same instincts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I like to check out potential clients before I meet them if I can,” Chiaki Bushido noted. “That’s why I’m early. I don’t know you.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you know I’m the kind of girl who arrives early too,” Champagne pointed out. “Shall we discuss business now or would you prefer to wait until the time we agreed?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Now’s fine,” the Samurai agreed. “I’m curious why we had to meet outside St Jude’s Orphanage in Hell’s Bathroom.”
>
>     Champagne looked down at the battered brownstone house. “Did you know that St Jude was the patron saint of lost causes?” she asked.
>
>     Chiaki cut to the chase. “What’s the job?” she asked.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’d like to put you on retainer,” Champagne replied. “Not exclusively, of course. You’re quite a liberty to do whatever else you need to do. But I’d like you to keep an eye on that orphanage as well.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“On the orphanage?”
>
>     The jewel thief nodded. “You see, until recently Trickshot kept an eye on the place, and that was enough to deter the local thugs from getting ambitious. And Police Commissioner Graham’s daughter was a teacher there. Both of them are gone now.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think somebody might try and do something nasty to the orphans?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s been tried before. This is a bad neighbourhood, and that’s one of the very few good things in it. The Lair Legion can’t always keep an eye out here – and you’re reputed to be very good at anticipating trouble.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You want me to bodyguard a whole orphanage. What’s your interest?”
>
>     Champagne smiled. “Rumour has it that St Jude’s used to receive large anonymous donations that kept it going, up to the point where the vigilante assassin Cobra disappeared. I hear that there’s going to be another substantial contribution turning up sometime soon, and I’d like to make sure it gets to the children and they get to keep it.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if you’re really the Psychic Samurai you know the rest already,” Champagne pointed out. “I travel a lot. You seem to be mostly based in Paradopolis these days. Will you take the retainer?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Who knows about this?” Chiaki asked.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Whoever you tell and nobody else,” Champagne replied. “And I’d like to be kept out of it altogether.”
>
>     Chiaki would have taken the commission even without the money. “I agree,” she said. “I’ll protect them.”
>
>     Champagne handed over a dossier. “Here’s my best threat assessment. Local crooks, gangs, political issues, old rivalries, lines of fire, enemies and allies, the usual thing. Good luck.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You sound like you’re expecting trouble,” frowned Chiaki. “Is there something I don’t know?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not for long, I’d imagine.”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why Jay,” purred Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo, “how delightful to see an old friend.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Old friends don’t throw their injured comrades into the transdimensional vortex to be captured and tortured by the Parody Master,” Hatman replied. He hadn’t come to the Safe to trade banter with the villainess who had secretly infiltrated the Lair Legion for the better part of a year as Citizen Z.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They do when they’re weaklings who don’t have what it takes to make the hard decisions,” Beth replied. “I acted for the good of the world. CrazySugarFreakBoy! made a much better leader.”
>
>     Dreamcatcher Foxglove made a rude sound. “You thought I was an easier mark, is all,” he accused. “You tried to kill Hatty then you shot me in the head.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You were an easier mark,” the Baroness told him. “I’m surprised you’re still alive after your encounter with your President yesterday. Or hasn’t Dominic caught up with you yet?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Mr Epitome tried to throw me through a wall,” CSFB! beamed. “Of course, I bounce.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you’ve settled once and for all the question of whether you’re fit to lead the Lair Legion,” Beth smirked. “It’s a good job Jay decided to leave his imaginary love nest with sweet little Zdenka and come back to take charge of your sadly reduced band of super-boy-scouts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’re not here to trade gossip, Baroness,” Hatman scowled. “We have questions.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But my counsel isn’t present,” the villainess noted. “Isn’t this an infringement of my human rights?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t conquering the planet an infringement of human rights?” CSFB! demanded hotly.
>
>     The Baroness shook her head. “Not when it was a necessary part of saving the world from the aggression of the Parody Master,” she replied. “Conventional defences had failed. The Legion and dear Sir Mumphrey had failed. I had to step up to the plate and do what was required. But I’m sure you’ll hear lots more about that when I have my day in court.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You don’t seriously think anybody will buy that?” Hatman asked.
>
>     The Baroness leaned back in her chair and smirked again.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We have questions,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! repeated. “What did you do with Laurie?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie who?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie Leyton, who you impersonated right down to a psychic level,” Hatman growled. “We know you did something nasty to her in your cellars. Where is she now?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you must have me mixed up with somebody who answers naive stupid questions from effete superheroes,” the Baroness replied.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s your grandfather, Baron Otto?” CSFB! shot at her. “What’s he doing now?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“My dear grandfather died many years ago. I can show you his death certificate.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s Captain Kaan gone?” Hatman demanded. “Where did he take that dimensional dreadnaught that defected?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Kaan has gone? And taken an entire planet-destorying warship with him?” Beth shook her head sadly. “How disturbing.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“He’s not got the Parody Master backing his ship any more,” Hatman acknowledged, “but he could still be trouble.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes indeed,” the Baroness agreed. “You must be quite worried.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What about Silicone Sally?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! challenged. “Any idea where she’ll have slunk off to after she dripped off your fat ass when the PM zapped you?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I really don’t think that some who is married to Alice April Apple should go around insulting other people’s vital statistics,” Elizabeth von Zemo replied. “Tell me, when you and she take that pensioner from Faerie to bed with you do you call her ‘mommy’?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Give it up, Baroness,” Hatman advised. “You might think you’re playing the clever adversary with an ace in the hole. We know you’re actually being the defeated inadequate world conqueror who got taken down despite her treacheries and brutalities and is going to spend the rest of her natural life in prisons like this. Your dumb impostor games placed the whole world in danger and nobody’s going to forget that. You’re just about the most hated person on the planet now and it’s a pleasure to see you punished for your crimes.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or to put it another way, you got your wide ass whupped by a bunch of kids and Sir Mumphrey Wilton,” CSFB! snickered. “You’re not going to Disneyland.”
>
>     The Baroness scowled slightly, but whatever retort she was about to make never passed her lips as the lights went out all over the Safe. The emergency back-ups painted the prison with a livid red light until they also faded out. The alarm klaxons fell silent with a dying wail.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Trouble,” Hatman frowned, reaching for his comm-card.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You should have left the jailbreak attempt until we weren’t here, Bethie,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! warned the Baroness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is nothing to do with me, moron,” she snapped back. “I was near the top off the Parody Master’s kill list. You think I’d want to release a couple of thousand Avawarriors into a high-security confined area with me?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“There’s no radio signal behind these shielded walls,” Hatman discovered. He pulled on his Steelers hat. “We’re on our own.”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That seemed to go very well, Mister Skinner,” noted Mr Flay. The two men in their conservative business suits were stood in the grounds of the abandoned Flanagan Carnival that had once shared Flanagan Island with the metahuman penitentiary.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Very well indeed, Mr Flay. I imagine that Warden Westwood and the others will be somewhat perturbed at the moment.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Somewhat perturbed indeed, Mr Skinner. I believe we can move on to our next task.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s encouraging, Mr Flay. I haven’t broken anyone’s bones since that iced-cream salesgirl this morning.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She won’t forget your sprinkles again, Mr Skinner.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s true, Mr Flay. On account of me twisting her head off.”
>
>     The unusual pair vanished before the security clampdown became total.
>
>
***

>
>     Whitney Darkness, Ebony of Nubilia, and Liu Xi Xian moved their way carefully through the vast shell of the burned out manufacturing plant that loomed over Black’s Crossing. The only light filtered down in dusty shafts through rents in the corrugated iron roof. Occasional pigeons disturbed the dust on the beams above, scattering ash down to join their guano on the detritus of the floor.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something’s wrong,” warned Sorceress.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This whole place is wrong,” Ebony pointed out. “The atmosphere is…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She means something’s specifically wrong now,” Liu Xi clarified. “The dimensions are shifting somehow. It feels like things are closing in around us. Like a trap.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t that likely to be why Xander sent us here?” Ebony checked. “He knew there was some evil that needed to be dealt with, something that he would normally handle.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or manipulate someone else to handle.” Sorceress had no illusions about her absent father, the master of the mystic crafts. “But he’s not the Hooded Hood. Xander doesn’t play games for the sheer pleasure of it.” She frowned and reached for the letter in her pocket. “Why didn’t he give us more information?”
>
>     Liu Xi looked around sharply as a movement in the shadows caught her eye. It was only a rat. “This feels strange,” she admitted. “Like we walked into a movie.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“A horror movie, where the girls get slaughtered one by one,” Ebony agreed. “Let’s not split up and search separately. And maybe we should consider sending out for back-up.”
>
>     Whitney agreed and thumbed her comm-card. “Hallie? It’s Whit, in Black’s Crossing of all place. We could use some help. Who’s available?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sorry Whitney,” the voice of the Legion’s A.I. replied. “You’ve not been around much for us lately. Why should we bail you out? You think we’ve forgotten how you sold us out to the Hooded Hood and let him shape a world where half the team were dead just so you and Jay could be all right?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” gasped Liu Xi as Sorceress turned pale. “That can’t be… No way would she say that.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Check your letters,” Ebony warned, staring at the missive she held in her own trembling hand. The document now read entirely differently:
>
>     Ebony, I’m writing this not because I think you’ll care but just to let you know how badly I miss my father, who you murdered along with so many others that you’ve fed to that elder monster you worship. Sure, dad was stupid and got caught up with some weird psycho cult that was doing weird things, but I know he’d have pulled round and become himself again if only you hadn’t brought that thing to slaughter him…
>
>     Liu Xi quickly glanced down at her own letter; …could have had my love, could have turned me around, taught me what it means to be human, to be a hero. But now I know what I am – a monster, a Doomherald, so from now on no restraint, no attempts at humanity, just death, murder and death, and every one of them will be dedicated to you, my faithless flower, every single time I kill will be in your name and it will be because of you…
>
>     The young elementalist swallowed hard. “We have to get out of here!” she cried, grabbing Sorceress and Ebony and manipulating the fifth Chinese element void to transport them far from that terrible place.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hold on…!” warned Whitney, but by then Liu Xi could already feel the void tearing under her, dropping them out of reality to somewhere else.
>
>     Sorceress just had time to glimpse her own letter as they fell into hell. It simply said: Got you.
>
>
***

>
>
> Continued...
>
>
***

>
> Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.






Visionary


 Subject: Er... that's a retractable survival harness, right? [Re: The epilogue to the Parody War struggles on from... the Hooded Hood]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 11:06:11 am EDT

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Anime Jason 

Owner

Location: Here
Member Since: Sun Sep 12, 2004
Posts: 2,834
 Subject: This can't be good. [Re: The epilogue to the Parody War struggles on from... the Hooded Hood]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 11:20:41 am EDT (Viewed 544 times)


anime.mangacool.net (10.0.255.1)
using Apple Safari 3.0.3 on MacOS X (0 points)


It's starting to look to me like this is all a set of carefully laid traps to eliminate the entire Lair Legion.  Unfortunately I can't guess who because the list of people who want the LL and its associates gone is way too long.

Of the LL and its associates, though, it looks like Chiaki and Visionary are in the least danger.  It would be strange indeed it the two weakest (and most injured, in one case) Lair Legion associates have to launch a rescue.

From the Baroness' arrogance over the matter, I'm thinking she might be involved somehow even though she isn't directly responsible.  Like maybe she was contacted, knew it was coming, and made a deal.

And in light of a possible LL elimination, I'm thinking Whitney, Liu Xi, and Ebony have been given this errand by someone just to keep them out of the way (or were told by someone to).  They aren't really LL members, and while there are people who have it in for them, there isn't much overlap with the list of people who want the LL gone.






Scott


Location: Southwest US
Member Since: Sun Sep 02, 2007
Posts: 326
 Subject: Run girls! Run! [Re: The epilogue to the Parody War struggles on from... the Hooded Hood]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 11:33:51 am EDT (Viewed 529 times)

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 7 on Windows XP


>
#322: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Ever After - Part Two
>
> Go to Part 1
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer.”
>
>     Sarah Shepherdson turned over in bed and saw Harry smiling down at her.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Er, what?” she answered, trying to cover he panic at being identified as a member of the Lair Legion.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer,” Harry repeated, still smiling. “You look just like her.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Um yes,” Shep agreed, pulling the bedclothes up around herself. “I’ve heard that before. But that doesn’t mean…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’ve even got her accent.”
>
>     Previously, Dancer’s probability powers had prevented anyone from making the logical connection between two athletic bubbly brunettes from County Mudd, Ireland who were never seen in the same place together. Had Dancer’s influence faded so much that she wasn’t covered now – except by a rumpled duvet?
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s not what you think, Harry,” Sarah said desperately.
>
>     Harry leaned back, still grinning. “And what am I thinking.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re thinking that I’m…” She frowned and looked at him again. “What are you thinking?”
>
>     Harry leaned forward. “I’m thinking that a girl who looks quite a bit like the Probability Dancer could do very well for herself. Have you ever thought about going on stage?”
>
>     Shep blinked. “On stage? I’m… So you don’t think…?”
>
>     Harry played with a lock of her long loose hair. “Hear me out, Sarah. I’m working as part of the crew for a new theatrical tour production: Lair Legion, the Musical. It’s all about the heroes of the Parody War. We’re casting now.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you’ve got this a bit confused, Harry. You’re supposed to tell me you can get me in the movies before you try to take me to bed.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Didn’t need to, did I?” Harry chuckled. “And don’t feel bad about that. I’m honoured to be the one that helped you get over your misery, at least for now. I’m totally okay being used only for sex for as long as you need me to. But I’ve got a job to do as well, and finding people to play the Legion on a major European tour is high on my list.” He looked thoughtful. “I don’t suppose you have an Australian friend who’s into bodybuilding, do you?”
>
>     Dancer caught her breath. “So let’s get this straight. You turn out to be a casting director for a Lair Legion musical…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Assistant to the assistant casting director,” Harry warned. “I can’t guarantee you anything.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you think I could play Dancer in a world tour?”
>
>     Harry shrugged. “I think you should at least audition,” he persuaded her. “Do you think you could act like Dancer?”
>
>
***

>
>     Liu Xi Xian got off the bus and looked around the gloomy industrial wasteland of Black’s Crossing. There was a chill in the air, as if it was going to snow, but she didn’t sense any weather patterns to account for it. The dull dirty buildings were mostly dark and many had broken windows.
>
>     The only occupants of the town square moved away from the burned out frontage of a video shop and came to meet her. “So, you got one too,” said Ebony of Nubilia.
>
>     Liu Xi knew what the the high priestess of the Manga Shoggoth was talking about, of course. The letter had arrived by overseas surface mail this morning, and she’d come immediately. “I didn’t understand it though,” she admitted. “Why would Xander want us to come here?”
>
>     The third woman present, Whitney Darkness, looked around her as a gust of wind whipped up the street trash. Liu Xi hadn’t seen quite that expression on Sorceress’ face before. The Chinese elementalist realised that Whitney Darkness was actually nervous. “I’ve been here before,” Sorceress admitted.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This place looks like a ghost town,” Liu Xi noted.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is,” Whitney answered. “Literally. I came here with the Legion years ago. Back then it was a horrible industrial place where people on the poverty line were trapped slaving their lives away in soul-destroying banal misery. The boss who owned the town was a very special kind of vampire, sucking the life from the whole population. It… wasn’t a pleasant visit.”
>
>     Liu Xi looked around her. There was something wrong about Black’s Crossing, something that set her teeth on edge. “You got him, though. The vampire?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“In the end,” shuddered Sorceress. “We cleaned this place. People were able to leave at last. The Bautista foundation helped them set up somewhere else. Not many folks chose to stay on.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then why did Xander write to me – to us – and ask us to come here today?” Liu Xi wondered.”
>
>     Ebony looked up at the grey sky that still seemed stained by the smog from the former factory. “You can sense it. This is still a thin place, where the usual barriers between the mortal and mundane and… the rest… aren’t quite strong enough. The Legion cleaned out the evil that had crept in here, but that just left a nice empty space for something else.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” Liu Xi sensed.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” agreed Whitney. “My father’s gone now. Hs letter made it clear that he and Cleone couldn’t stay around now because something is coming that he couldn’t stop. Something whose first move would be to destroy the sorcerer supreme.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So he needs us to mind the store for him,” Liu Xi agreed. “You know about high magics and things, Ebony’s an expert of dark cults and rituals, and I can sense elemental disturbances. Between us we can sub for a master of the mystic crafts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not too happy about being part of another Xander manipulation,” Ebony admitted. “He tends to get very close to the line, sometimes.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But he knows his evil,” Whitney sighed. “You know, I hoped I’d never have to come back here.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Was it bad?” asked Liu Xi, catching a little of Sorceress’ nervousness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The spirit possessing Hatman very nearly peeled the skin off my face,” she remembered with another shudder, “and that was the nicest part.”
>
>     Ebony was dangling a pebble on a piece of string and watching which way it swung. “I think we need to take a look around that derelict factory,” she admitted. “Just in case.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just in case we want to die?” Liu Xi asked.
>
>     The three women exchanged glances and moved towards the dark looming silhouette of the old Black Processing Plant.
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hello, Wally,” Hallie greeted the Lair Legion’s postman. “Anything interesting today?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Some kind of letters from England,” the old carrier noted. “Handwriting of Xander the Improbable, looks like. Addressed to Misses Darkness and Xian and to Lady Ebony. Sealed with wax and all.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s a while since we’ve had a letter from Xander,” Hallie commented. “I wonder what he wants? Put them on the side-table, Wally. Whit, Liu Xi, and Ebony aren’t here just now. I’ll let them know about the letters when they get back.”
>
>
***

>
>     The Doom Tube opened and the master of Apocalyspe strode out, his hands clasped behind his back, his grey granite face promising death and destruction wherever he went. Dark Thugos had recently returned to claim rulership of his tormented homeworld. A little way behind him came his prime servitor Granny Grimness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I didn’t need this my first day back on the job,” muttered Amber St Clare.
>
>     Mr Epitome moved forward to meet Thugos. “Ready?” he asked. He had no words of greeting for the former Destroyer of Tales, the former tyrant of a Sol Empire in another timeline. Glory and Yuki were also present in the Lair Mansion cell block for the meeting.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Bring the prisoners forward,” commanded Dark Thugos.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not so fast, Stoney,” Yuki interjecting, springing forward to block the archvillain’s path. “Before we hand over Splendiferous Stewart and General Steppenstoat and Kwatrain and the other Apocalyspian nasties who caused so much trouble here in the run-up to the Parody War we want to hear some assurances from you about what happens to them next.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You dare to question the will of Dark Thugos?” demanded Granny Grimness dangerously. Her large armoured bulk belied her thin ancient voice.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yep,” the cyborg P.I. agreed. “We do. Questioning the will of mad tyrants is pretty much our job description.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if I simply choose to remove my erring retainers from your inadequate containment facilities?” asked Dark Thugos.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then there will be unpleasantness,” Mr Epitome warned, staring him in the eye.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think you could stand against Dark Thugos and Granny Grimness?” scorned Granny, her face darkening with rage.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think your boss knows now isn’t the time to start a war with the Lair Legion,” Epitome replied. “Your world’s in ruins, your armies shattered, your weapons depleted. There are lots of nervous galactic powers and cosmic beings out there feeling a bit sensitive just now about warmongering demigods. I think Dark Thugos is smart enough to work out when diplomacy is better than threats, even if you aren’t.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if he isn’t,” Yuki added, “we’re the Legion. We’ll find a way to kick his butt.”
>
>     Mr Epitome glanced at her. “Just because Trickshot’s not here doesn’t mean you have to fill the arrogant bigmouth role,” he scowled.
>
>     Yuki shrugged. “I’m over my being impressed by big looming bullies phase.” It wasn’t clear to whom that remark was addressed.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The exchange,” Glory whined, prompting them back to business.
>
>     Amber reluctantly moved forward. “In our preliminary negotiations, we agreed that the prisoners we return will be held on Apocalyspe and never come back to this world,” she noted. “They will be punished in non-lethal manner in accordance with your local criminal justice systems…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh yes,” chuckled Granny gleefully. “They’ve been naughty boys and their Granny is very cross with them.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will be held accountable for their actions regarding Special Resolution 1066 and the Parody War, but also for their previous crimes in kidnapping humans to Apocalyspe for their inhuman war games.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will pay for their failures,” Thugos promised. “I have spoken.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You agree to the terms?” Mr Epitome liked things clear.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I agree.”
>
>     Yuki nodded. “I’ll bring the prisoners out, then,” she acknowledged, turning to the holding cells.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That will not be necessary,” intoned the tyrant. His eyes flared and livid red beams darted from them. They curved around Epitome and Yuki and passed through the holding cell walls to engulf the prisoners in lurid crimson fire. Kwatrain, Steppenstoat, and Stuart had just enough time to scream before they were consumed. “They have been returned to Apocalyspe to await my mercy,” declared Dark Thugos.
>
>     Amber suppressed a shudder. “Well… that’s very nice, then,” she said.
>
>     Thugos turned to look at Epitome before he left. “You survived on Apocalyspe,” he noted. “You and your woman.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes,” agreed the paragon of power. “That’s a nasty vicious planet you have there.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You are amongst the strong,” Thugos approved.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am amongst the free,” Epitome replied. “Every tyrant should fear us.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, this day’s going well,” Amber said in a high brittle voice. “Canapés, anyone?”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Lee Bookman, former Librarian of Sector 7272, you stand accused…” intoned the Governor who was to act as prosecutor in the hearing upon the actions of the Librarian Legionnaire during the Parody War.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh do be quiet,” interrupted Lee. He hopped over the barrier rail and dropped onto the floor of the Inquisition Chamber. “Automatic systems over-ride Delbrulian Comsalach Truvane Achidromos. Transfer all Central Repository systems to my voice command.”
>
>     There was a surprised hiccup from the Repository A.I.s as over-ride codes that had been forgotten for millennia cut in. The ancient commands had priorities higher than any that could be placed into the system these days, commands placed there by the Founding Librarians themselves.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” demanded the Governor.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I downloaded the entire Grand Archive through my head,” Lee pointed out. “You think I didn’t index IOL over-ride codes?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So now we’re going to stop this hypocritical charade and sort a few things out,” the Librarian demanded. “Anyone who thinks differently is welcome to deal with the A.L.F.s and data entities who now work for me.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is against all Library procedure!” shouted Supervisor Garth. “This is…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is long overdue,” interrupted Selinda Saxmendrim. “Go, Lee!”
>
>     Leonard H. Bookman stood in the centre of the speaking circle and addressed his accusers – and every librarian in the Intergalactic Order. “First to the charges. I resigned as a Librarian when this organisation surrendered its mission and its facilities to the interplanetary tyrant the Parody Master. You didn’t keep the sacred data safe, and you were willing to give it to a enemy of creation to save your skins. You violated the sacred vows we make about the sanctity of the material we hold.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But the archive would have been destroyed otherwise,” protested Auditor Blay-Kee. “Billions of years of documents lost forever.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“If that’s the price we have to pay for upholding our oath to keep the data from those who shouldn’t have it then that’s what we should have done,” Lee answered gravely. “Fortunately the Grand Librarian has a different idea. He arranged for me to be brought here, and for the entire archive to be downloaded through me, emptying the data banks in the Central Repository so they’d be useless to the Parody Master.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We were all nearly executed for that!” Garth accused.
>
>     Lee didn’t care. “Meanwhile, the Board of my local library branch, the Lunar Public Library, used a seldom-invoked clause of our charter to declare independence from the IOL. Nobody’s done that for a very long time, but as I’ve just demonstrated with those over-ride codes, just because it hasn’t been done in a while doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. Professor Blargelslarch and my trustees separated my library from the IOL, so I was able to donate the great archive to the systems there.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“No mere branch library could hold the grand archive,” a Governor scorned.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And no mere Librarian could be a conduit for so much data without going mad,” Lee added. “We improvised. The data is secure.”
>
>     There was a collective buzz of relief amongst the librarians. Some began to sob.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But before I let you have the archive back,” Lee Bookman announced to the IOL, “if I let you have the archive back, we’re going to get over this hypocritical nonsense of pretending that the Governors didn’t betray our high calling. We’re going to remind ourselves of the purpose of libraries in inform, educate, and enlighten the public. And we’re going to get past all this rubbish about Auditor fleets and Inquisitors and executions.” He suddenly grinned a manic smile. “We’re going to make some changes.”
>
>
***

>
>     Visionary’s editorial comment as he dropped through myriad strange dimensions suspended by a thin monofilament thread and a life-preserving atmospheric sheath harness: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!”
>
>     He briefly glimpsed – and dismissed – dozens, maybe hundreds, of bizarre new worlds. The worst were the ones where the inhabitants seemed to recognise him and wave back. He dropped into regions where smell registered as sight and sight as sound. He passed momentarily through a zone where his body was inverted and he could clearly see his internal organs trailing merrily behind him. Then he landed with a soft plop into a mound of goo not unlike that of the Manga Shoggoth he was looking for.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well,” said the man in black who was standing on top of the custard-skin surface of the protoplasm. “This is a pleasant surprise.”
>
>     It wasn’t that happy a moment for Visionary. “Nyalurkhotep,” he recognised.
>
>     The prime servitor of the Fairly Great Old Ones nodded and looked down at the little human whose soul he had once tried to devour. “That’s right,” agreed the man in black. “I’d come along to consume the Shoggoth, of course, but you’ll make a very welcome dessert.”
>
>     
>
***

>
>     Chiaki walked with a balanced poise that gave no indication that only a few days earlier she’d taken a poisoned blade through her chest cavity. She arrived early, decided on the best watchpoint, and moved to the position.
>
>     She found Champagne keeping watch from it.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh, hi,” the international jewel thief greeted the Psychic Samurai. “I guess we had the same instincts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I like to check out potential clients before I meet them if I can,” Chiaki Bushido noted. “That’s why I’m early. I don’t know you.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you know I’m the kind of girl who arrives early too,” Champagne pointed out. “Shall we discuss business now or would you prefer to wait until the time we agreed?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Now’s fine,” the Samurai agreed. “I’m curious why we had to meet outside St Jude’s Orphanage in Hell’s Bathroom.”
>
>     Champagne looked down at the battered brownstone house. “Did you know that St Jude was the patron saint of lost causes?” she asked.
>
>     Chiaki cut to the chase. “What’s the job?” she asked.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’d like to put you on retainer,” Champagne replied. “Not exclusively, of course. You’re quite a liberty to do whatever else you need to do. But I’d like you to keep an eye on that orphanage as well.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“On the orphanage?”
>
>     The jewel thief nodded. “You see, until recently Trickshot kept an eye on the place, and that was enough to deter the local thugs from getting ambitious. And Police Commissioner Graham’s daughter was a teacher there. Both of them are gone now.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think somebody might try and do something nasty to the orphans?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s been tried before. This is a bad neighbourhood, and that’s one of the very few good things in it. The Lair Legion can’t always keep an eye out here – and you’re reputed to be very good at anticipating trouble.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You want me to bodyguard a whole orphanage. What’s your interest?”
>
>     Champagne smiled. “Rumour has it that St Jude’s used to receive large anonymous donations that kept it going, up to the point where the vigilante assassin Cobra disappeared. I hear that there’s going to be another substantial contribution turning up sometime soon, and I’d like to make sure it gets to the children and they get to keep it.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if you’re really the Psychic Samurai you know the rest already,” Champagne pointed out. “I travel a lot. You seem to be mostly based in Paradopolis these days. Will you take the retainer?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Who knows about this?” Chiaki asked.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Whoever you tell and nobody else,” Champagne replied. “And I’d like to be kept out of it altogether.”
>
>     Chiaki would have taken the commission even without the money. “I agree,” she said. “I’ll protect them.”
>
>     Champagne handed over a dossier. “Here’s my best threat assessment. Local crooks, gangs, political issues, old rivalries, lines of fire, enemies and allies, the usual thing. Good luck.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You sound like you’re expecting trouble,” frowned Chiaki. “Is there something I don’t know?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not for long, I’d imagine.”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why Jay,” purred Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo, “how delightful to see an old friend.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Old friends don’t throw their injured comrades into the transdimensional vortex to be captured and tortured by the Parody Master,” Hatman replied. He hadn’t come to the Safe to trade banter with the villainess who had secretly infiltrated the Lair Legion for the better part of a year as Citizen Z.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They do when they’re weaklings who don’t have what it takes to make the hard decisions,” Beth replied. “I acted for the good of the world. CrazySugarFreakBoy! made a much better leader.”
>
>     Dreamcatcher Foxglove made a rude sound. “You thought I was an easier mark, is all,” he accused. “You tried to kill Hatty then you shot me in the head.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You were an easier mark,” the Baroness told him. “I’m surprised you’re still alive after your encounter with your President yesterday. Or hasn’t Dominic caught up with you yet?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Mr Epitome tried to throw me through a wall,” CSFB! beamed. “Of course, I bounce.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you’ve settled once and for all the question of whether you’re fit to lead the Lair Legion,” Beth smirked. “It’s a good job Jay decided to leave his imaginary love nest with sweet little Zdenka and come back to take charge of your sadly reduced band of super-boy-scouts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’re not here to trade gossip, Baroness,” Hatman scowled. “We have questions.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But my counsel isn’t present,” the villainess noted. “Isn’t this an infringement of my human rights?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t conquering the planet an infringement of human rights?” CSFB! demanded hotly.
>
>     The Baroness shook her head. “Not when it was a necessary part of saving the world from the aggression of the Parody Master,” she replied. “Conventional defences had failed. The Legion and dear Sir Mumphrey had failed. I had to step up to the plate and do what was required. But I’m sure you’ll hear lots more about that when I have my day in court.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You don’t seriously think anybody will buy that?” Hatman asked.
>
>     The Baroness leaned back in her chair and smirked again.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We have questions,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! repeated. “What did you do with Laurie?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie who?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie Leyton, who you impersonated right down to a psychic level,” Hatman growled. “We know you did something nasty to her in your cellars. Where is she now?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you must have me mixed up with somebody who answers naive stupid questions from effete superheroes,” the Baroness replied.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s your grandfather, Baron Otto?” CSFB! shot at her. “What’s he doing now?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“My dear grandfather died many years ago. I can show you his death certificate.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s Captain Kaan gone?” Hatman demanded. “Where did he take that dimensional dreadnaught that defected?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Kaan has gone? And taken an entire planet-destorying warship with him?” Beth shook her head sadly. “How disturbing.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“He’s not got the Parody Master backing his ship any more,” Hatman acknowledged, “but he could still be trouble.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes indeed,” the Baroness agreed. “You must be quite worried.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What about Silicone Sally?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! challenged. “Any idea where she’ll have slunk off to after she dripped off your fat ass when the PM zapped you?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I really don’t think that some who is married to Alice April Apple should go around insulting other people’s vital statistics,” Elizabeth von Zemo replied. “Tell me, when you and she take that pensioner from Faerie to bed with you do you call her ‘mommy’?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Give it up, Baroness,” Hatman advised. “You might think you’re playing the clever adversary with an ace in the hole. We know you’re actually being the defeated inadequate world conqueror who got taken down despite her treacheries and brutalities and is going to spend the rest of her natural life in prisons like this. Your dumb impostor games placed the whole world in danger and nobody’s going to forget that. You’re just about the most hated person on the planet now and it’s a pleasure to see you punished for your crimes.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or to put it another way, you got your wide ass whupped by a bunch of kids and Sir Mumphrey Wilton,” CSFB! snickered. “You’re not going to Disneyland.”
>
>     The Baroness scowled slightly, but whatever retort she was about to make never passed her lips as the lights went out all over the Safe. The emergency back-ups painted the prison with a livid red light until they also faded out. The alarm klaxons fell silent with a dying wail.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Trouble,” Hatman frowned, reaching for his comm-card.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You should have left the jailbreak attempt until we weren’t here, Bethie,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! warned the Baroness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is nothing to do with me, moron,” she snapped back. “I was near the top off the Parody Master’s kill list. You think I’d want to release a couple of thousand Avawarriors into a high-security confined area with me?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“There’s no radio signal behind these shielded walls,” Hatman discovered. He pulled on his Steelers hat. “We’re on our own.”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That seemed to go very well, Mister Skinner,” noted Mr Flay. The two men in their conservative business suits were stood in the grounds of the abandoned Flanagan Carnival that had once shared Flanagan Island with the metahuman penitentiary.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Very well indeed, Mr Flay. I imagine that Warden Westwood and the others will be somewhat perturbed at the moment.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Somewhat perturbed indeed, Mr Skinner. I believe we can move on to our next task.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s encouraging, Mr Flay. I haven’t broken anyone’s bones since that iced-cream salesgirl this morning.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She won’t forget your sprinkles again, Mr Skinner.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s true, Mr Flay. On account of me twisting her head off.”
>
>     The unusual pair vanished before the security clampdown became total.
>
>
***

>
>     Whitney Darkness, Ebony of Nubilia, and Liu Xi Xian moved their way carefully through the vast shell of the burned out manufacturing plant that loomed over Black’s Crossing. The only light filtered down in dusty shafts through rents in the corrugated iron roof. Occasional pigeons disturbed the dust on the beams above, scattering ash down to join their guano on the detritus of the floor.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something’s wrong,” warned Sorceress.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This whole place is wrong,” Ebony pointed out. “The atmosphere is…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She means something’s specifically wrong now,” Liu Xi clarified. “The dimensions are shifting somehow. It feels like things are closing in around us. Like a trap.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t that likely to be why Xander sent us here?” Ebony checked. “He knew there was some evil that needed to be dealt with, something that he would normally handle.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or manipulate someone else to handle.” Sorceress had no illusions about her absent father, the master of the mystic crafts. “But he’s not the Hooded Hood. Xander doesn’t play games for the sheer pleasure of it.” She frowned and reached for the letter in her pocket. “Why didn’t he give us more information?”
>
>     Liu Xi looked around sharply as a movement in the shadows caught her eye. It was only a rat. “This feels strange,” she admitted. “Like we walked into a movie.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“A horror movie, where the girls get slaughtered one by one,” Ebony agreed. “Let’s not split up and search separately. And maybe we should consider sending out for back-up.”
>
>     Whitney agreed and thumbed her comm-card. “Hallie? It’s Whit, in Black’s Crossing of all place. We could use some help. Who’s available?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sorry Whitney,” the voice of the Legion’s A.I. replied. “You’ve not been around much for us lately. Why should we bail you out? You think we’ve forgotten how you sold us out to the Hooded Hood and let him shape a world where half the team were dead just so you and Jay could be all right?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” gasped Liu Xi as Sorceress turned pale. “That can’t be… No way would she say that.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Check your letters,” Ebony warned, staring at the missive she held in her own trembling hand. The document now read entirely differently:
>
>     Ebony, I’m writing this not because I think you’ll care but just to let you know how badly I miss my father, who you murdered along with so many others that you’ve fed to that elder monster you worship. Sure, dad was stupid and got caught up with some weird psycho cult that was doing weird things, but I know he’d have pulled round and become himself again if only you hadn’t brought that thing to slaughter him…
>
>     Liu Xi quickly glanced down at her own letter; …could have had my love, could have turned me around, taught me what it means to be human, to be a hero. But now I know what I am – a monster, a Doomherald, so from now on no restraint, no attempts at humanity, just death, murder and death, and every one of them will be dedicated to you, my faithless flower, every single time I kill will be in your name and it will be because of you…
>
>     The young elementalist swallowed hard. “We have to get out of here!” she cried, grabbing Sorceress and Ebony and manipulating the fifth Chinese element void to transport them far from that terrible place.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hold on…!” warned Whitney, but by then Liu Xi could already feel the void tearing under her, dropping them out of reality to somewhere else.
>
>     Sorceress just had time to glimpse her own letter as they fell into hell. It simply said: Got you.
>
>
***

>
>
> Continued...
>
>
***

>
> Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.






Scott NIGHT CHILDREN: THE BLOG. Come see!
Visionary  


Subject: The least danger?! [Re: Anime Jason]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 11:53:01 am EDT

Posted with Mozilla Firefox 2.0.0.7 on Windows XP

I'm sorry... who else is currently at the mercy of the big bad of *two* epic story-lines, the first of which ended with my heart exploding and the second with my soul being rewritten to bring about his rebirth? A villain who can kill a shoggoth, no less, and really hates me as well?

You're getting picked last for threat assessment detail. \:\-P






killer shrike


 Subject: Loved the cliffhanger [Re: The epilogue to the Parody War struggles on from... the Hooded Hood]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 12:01:08 pm EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 7 on Windows Vista

>
#322: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Ever After - Part Two
>
> Go to Part 1
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer.”
>
>     Sarah Shepherdson turned over in bed and saw Harry smiling down at her.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Er, what?” she answered, trying to cover he panic at being identified as a member of the Lair Legion.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer,” Harry repeated, still smiling. “You look just like her.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Um yes,” Shep agreed, pulling the bedclothes up around herself. “I’ve heard that before. But that doesn’t mean…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’ve even got her accent.”
>
>     Previously, Dancer’s probability powers had prevented anyone from making the logical connection between two athletic bubbly brunettes from County Mudd, Ireland who were never seen in the same place together. Had Dancer’s influence faded so much that she wasn’t covered now – except by a rumpled duvet?
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s not what you think, Harry,” Sarah said desperately.
>
>     Harry leaned back, still grinning. “And what am I thinking.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re thinking that I’m…” She frowned and looked at him again. “What are you thinking?”
>
>     Harry leaned forward. “I’m thinking that a girl who looks quite a bit like the Probability Dancer could do very well for herself. Have you ever thought about going on stage?”
>
>     Shep blinked. “On stage? I’m… So you don’t think…?”
>
>     Harry played with a lock of her long loose hair. “Hear me out, Sarah. I’m working as part of the crew for a new theatrical tour production: Lair Legion, the Musical. It’s all about the heroes of the Parody War. We’re casting now.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you’ve got this a bit confused, Harry. You’re supposed to tell me you can get me in the movies before you try to take me to bed.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Didn’t need to, did I?” Harry chuckled. “And don’t feel bad about that. I’m honoured to be the one that helped you get over your misery, at least for now. I’m totally okay being used only for sex for as long as you need me to. But I’ve got a job to do as well, and finding people to play the Legion on a major European tour is high on my list.” He looked thoughtful. “I don’t suppose you have an Australian friend who’s into bodybuilding, do you?”
>
>     Dancer caught her breath. “So let’s get this straight. You turn out to be a casting director for a Lair Legion musical…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Assistant to the assistant casting director,” Harry warned. “I can’t guarantee you anything.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you think I could play Dancer in a world tour?”
>
>     Harry shrugged. “I think you should at least audition,” he persuaded her. “Do you think you could act like Dancer?”
>
>
***

>
>     Liu Xi Xian got off the bus and looked around the gloomy industrial wasteland of Black’s Crossing. There was a chill in the air, as if it was going to snow, but she didn’t sense any weather patterns to account for it. The dull dirty buildings were mostly dark and many had broken windows.
>
>     The only occupants of the town square moved away from the burned out frontage of a video shop and came to meet her. “So, you got one too,” said Ebony of Nubilia.
>
>     Liu Xi knew what the the high priestess of the Manga Shoggoth was talking about, of course. The letter had arrived by overseas surface mail this morning, and she’d come immediately. “I didn’t understand it though,” she admitted. “Why would Xander want us to come here?”
>
>     The third woman present, Whitney Darkness, looked around her as a gust of wind whipped up the street trash. Liu Xi hadn’t seen quite that expression on Sorceress’ face before. The Chinese elementalist realised that Whitney Darkness was actually nervous. “I’ve been here before,” Sorceress admitted.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This place looks like a ghost town,” Liu Xi noted.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is,” Whitney answered. “Literally. I came here with the Legion years ago. Back then it was a horrible industrial place where people on the poverty line were trapped slaving their lives away in soul-destroying banal misery. The boss who owned the town was a very special kind of vampire, sucking the life from the whole population. It… wasn’t a pleasant visit.”
>
>     Liu Xi looked around her. There was something wrong about Black’s Crossing, something that set her teeth on edge. “You got him, though. The vampire?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“In the end,” shuddered Sorceress. “We cleaned this place. People were able to leave at last. The Bautista foundation helped them set up somewhere else. Not many folks chose to stay on.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then why did Xander write to me – to us – and ask us to come here today?” Liu Xi wondered.”
>
>     Ebony looked up at the grey sky that still seemed stained by the smog from the former factory. “You can sense it. This is still a thin place, where the usual barriers between the mortal and mundane and… the rest… aren’t quite strong enough. The Legion cleaned out the evil that had crept in here, but that just left a nice empty space for something else.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” Liu Xi sensed.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” agreed Whitney. “My father’s gone now. Hs letter made it clear that he and Cleone couldn’t stay around now because something is coming that he couldn’t stop. Something whose first move would be to destroy the sorcerer supreme.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So he needs us to mind the store for him,” Liu Xi agreed. “You know about high magics and things, Ebony’s an expert of dark cults and rituals, and I can sense elemental disturbances. Between us we can sub for a master of the mystic crafts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not too happy about being part of another Xander manipulation,” Ebony admitted. “He tends to get very close to the line, sometimes.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But he knows his evil,” Whitney sighed. “You know, I hoped I’d never have to come back here.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Was it bad?” asked Liu Xi, catching a little of Sorceress’ nervousness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The spirit possessing Hatman very nearly peeled the skin off my face,” she remembered with another shudder, “and that was the nicest part.”
>
>     Ebony was dangling a pebble on a piece of string and watching which way it swung. “I think we need to take a look around that derelict factory,” she admitted. “Just in case.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just in case we want to die?” Liu Xi asked.
>
>     The three women exchanged glances and moved towards the dark looming silhouette of the old Black Processing Plant.
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hello, Wally,” Hallie greeted the Lair Legion’s postman. “Anything interesting today?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Some kind of letters from England,” the old carrier noted. “Handwriting of Xander the Improbable, looks like. Addressed to Misses Darkness and Xian and to Lady Ebony. Sealed with wax and all.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s a while since we’ve had a letter from Xander,” Hallie commented. “I wonder what he wants? Put them on the side-table, Wally. Whit, Liu Xi, and Ebony aren’t here just now. I’ll let them know about the letters when they get back.”
>
>
***

>
>     The Doom Tube opened and the master of Apocalyspe strode out, his hands clasped behind his back, his grey granite face promising death and destruction wherever he went. Dark Thugos had recently returned to claim rulership of his tormented homeworld. A little way behind him came his prime servitor Granny Grimness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I didn’t need this my first day back on the job,” muttered Amber St Clare.
>
>     Mr Epitome moved forward to meet Thugos. “Ready?” he asked. He had no words of greeting for the former Destroyer of Tales, the former tyrant of a Sol Empire in another timeline. Glory and Yuki were also present in the Lair Mansion cell block for the meeting.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Bring the prisoners forward,” commanded Dark Thugos.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not so fast, Stoney,” Yuki interjecting, springing forward to block the archvillain’s path. “Before we hand over Splendiferous Stewart and General Steppenstoat and Kwatrain and the other Apocalyspian nasties who caused so much trouble here in the run-up to the Parody War we want to hear some assurances from you about what happens to them next.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You dare to question the will of Dark Thugos?” demanded Granny Grimness dangerously. Her large armoured bulk belied her thin ancient voice.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yep,” the cyborg P.I. agreed. “We do. Questioning the will of mad tyrants is pretty much our job description.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if I simply choose to remove my erring retainers from your inadequate containment facilities?” asked Dark Thugos.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then there will be unpleasantness,” Mr Epitome warned, staring him in the eye.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think you could stand against Dark Thugos and Granny Grimness?” scorned Granny, her face darkening with rage.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think your boss knows now isn’t the time to start a war with the Lair Legion,” Epitome replied. “Your world’s in ruins, your armies shattered, your weapons depleted. There are lots of nervous galactic powers and cosmic beings out there feeling a bit sensitive just now about warmongering demigods. I think Dark Thugos is smart enough to work out when diplomacy is better than threats, even if you aren’t.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if he isn’t,” Yuki added, “we’re the Legion. We’ll find a way to kick his butt.”
>
>     Mr Epitome glanced at her. “Just because Trickshot’s not here doesn’t mean you have to fill the arrogant bigmouth role,” he scowled.
>
>     Yuki shrugged. “I’m over my being impressed by big looming bullies phase.” It wasn’t clear to whom that remark was addressed.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The exchange,” Glory whined, prompting them back to business.
>
>     Amber reluctantly moved forward. “In our preliminary negotiations, we agreed that the prisoners we return will be held on Apocalyspe and never come back to this world,” she noted. “They will be punished in non-lethal manner in accordance with your local criminal justice systems…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh yes,” chuckled Granny gleefully. “They’ve been naughty boys and their Granny is very cross with them.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will be held accountable for their actions regarding Special Resolution 1066 and the Parody War, but also for their previous crimes in kidnapping humans to Apocalyspe for their inhuman war games.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will pay for their failures,” Thugos promised. “I have spoken.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You agree to the terms?” Mr Epitome liked things clear.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I agree.”
>
>     Yuki nodded. “I’ll bring the prisoners out, then,” she acknowledged, turning to the holding cells.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That will not be necessary,” intoned the tyrant. His eyes flared and livid red beams darted from them. They curved around Epitome and Yuki and passed through the holding cell walls to engulf the prisoners in lurid crimson fire. Kwatrain, Steppenstoat, and Stuart had just enough time to scream before they were consumed. “They have been returned to Apocalyspe to await my mercy,” declared Dark Thugos.
>
>     Amber suppressed a shudder. “Well… that’s very nice, then,” she said.
>
>     Thugos turned to look at Epitome before he left. “You survived on Apocalyspe,” he noted. “You and your woman.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes,” agreed the paragon of power. “That’s a nasty vicious planet you have there.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You are amongst the strong,” Thugos approved.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am amongst the free,” Epitome replied. “Every tyrant should fear us.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, this day’s going well,” Amber said in a high brittle voice. “Canapés, anyone?”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Lee Bookman, former Librarian of Sector 7272, you stand accused…” intoned the Governor who was to act as prosecutor in the hearing upon the actions of the Librarian Legionnaire during the Parody War.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh do be quiet,” interrupted Lee. He hopped over the barrier rail and dropped onto the floor of the Inquisition Chamber. “Automatic systems over-ride Delbrulian Comsalach Truvane Achidromos. Transfer all Central Repository systems to my voice command.”
>
>     There was a surprised hiccup from the Repository A.I.s as over-ride codes that had been forgotten for millennia cut in. The ancient commands had priorities higher than any that could be placed into the system these days, commands placed there by the Founding Librarians themselves.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” demanded the Governor.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I downloaded the entire Grand Archive through my head,” Lee pointed out. “You think I didn’t index IOL over-ride codes?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So now we’re going to stop this hypocritical charade and sort a few things out,” the Librarian demanded. “Anyone who thinks differently is welcome to deal with the A.L.F.s and data entities who now work for me.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is against all Library procedure!” shouted Supervisor Garth. “This is…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is long overdue,” interrupted Selinda Saxmendrim. “Go, Lee!”
>
>     Leonard H. Bookman stood in the centre of the speaking circle and addressed his accusers – and every librarian in the Intergalactic Order. “First to the charges. I resigned as a Librarian when this organisation surrendered its mission and its facilities to the interplanetary tyrant the Parody Master. You didn’t keep the sacred data safe, and you were willing to give it to a enemy of creation to save your skins. You violated the sacred vows we make about the sanctity of the material we hold.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But the archive would have been destroyed otherwise,” protested Auditor Blay-Kee. “Billions of years of documents lost forever.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“If that’s the price we have to pay for upholding our oath to keep the data from those who shouldn’t have it then that’s what we should have done,” Lee answered gravely. “Fortunately the Grand Librarian has a different idea. He arranged for me to be brought here, and for the entire archive to be downloaded through me, emptying the data banks in the Central Repository so they’d be useless to the Parody Master.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We were all nearly executed for that!” Garth accused.
>
>     Lee didn’t care. “Meanwhile, the Board of my local library branch, the Lunar Public Library, used a seldom-invoked clause of our charter to declare independence from the IOL. Nobody’s done that for a very long time, but as I’ve just demonstrated with those over-ride codes, just because it hasn’t been done in a while doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. Professor Blargelslarch and my trustees separated my library from the IOL, so I was able to donate the great archive to the systems there.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“No mere branch library could hold the grand archive,” a Governor scorned.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And no mere Librarian could be a conduit for so much data without going mad,” Lee added. “We improvised. The data is secure.”
>
>     There was a collective buzz of relief amongst the librarians. Some began to sob.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But before I let you have the archive back,” Lee Bookman announced to the IOL, “if I let you have the archive back, we’re going to get over this hypocritical nonsense of pretending that the Governors didn’t betray our high calling. We’re going to remind ourselves of the purpose of libraries in inform, educate, and enlighten the public. And we’re going to get past all this rubbish about Auditor fleets and Inquisitors and executions.” He suddenly grinned a manic smile. “We’re going to make some changes.”
>
>
***

>
>     Visionary’s editorial comment as he dropped through myriad strange dimensions suspended by a thin monofilament thread and a life-preserving atmospheric sheath harness: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!”
>
>     He briefly glimpsed – and dismissed – dozens, maybe hundreds, of bizarre new worlds. The worst were the ones where the inhabitants seemed to recognise him and wave back. He dropped into regions where smell registered as sight and sight as sound. He passed momentarily through a zone where his body was inverted and he could clearly see his internal organs trailing merrily behind him. Then he landed with a soft plop into a mound of goo not unlike that of the Manga Shoggoth he was looking for.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well,” said the man in black who was standing on top of the custard-skin surface of the protoplasm. “This is a pleasant surprise.”
>
>     It wasn’t that happy a moment for Visionary. “Nyalurkhotep,” he recognised.
>
>     The prime servitor of the Fairly Great Old Ones nodded and looked down at the little human whose soul he had once tried to devour. “That’s right,” agreed the man in black. “I’d come along to consume the Shoggoth, of course, but you’ll make a very welcome dessert.”
>
>     
>
***

>
>     Chiaki walked with a balanced poise that gave no indication that only a few days earlier she’d taken a poisoned blade through her chest cavity. She arrived early, decided on the best watchpoint, and moved to the position.
>
>     She found Champagne keeping watch from it.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh, hi,” the international jewel thief greeted the Psychic Samurai. “I guess we had the same instincts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I like to check out potential clients before I meet them if I can,” Chiaki Bushido noted. “That’s why I’m early. I don’t know you.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you know I’m the kind of girl who arrives early too,” Champagne pointed out. “Shall we discuss business now or would you prefer to wait until the time we agreed?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Now’s fine,” the Samurai agreed. “I’m curious why we had to meet outside St Jude’s Orphanage in Hell’s Bathroom.”
>
>     Champagne looked down at the battered brownstone house. “Did you know that St Jude was the patron saint of lost causes?” she asked.
>
>     Chiaki cut to the chase. “What’s the job?” she asked.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’d like to put you on retainer,” Champagne replied. “Not exclusively, of course. You’re quite a liberty to do whatever else you need to do. But I’d like you to keep an eye on that orphanage as well.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“On the orphanage?”
>
>     The jewel thief nodded. “You see, until recently Trickshot kept an eye on the place, and that was enough to deter the local thugs from getting ambitious. And Police Commissioner Graham’s daughter was a teacher there. Both of them are gone now.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think somebody might try and do something nasty to the orphans?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s been tried before. This is a bad neighbourhood, and that’s one of the very few good things in it. The Lair Legion can’t always keep an eye out here – and you’re reputed to be very good at anticipating trouble.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You want me to bodyguard a whole orphanage. What’s your interest?”
>
>     Champagne smiled. “Rumour has it that St Jude’s used to receive large anonymous donations that kept it going, up to the point where the vigilante assassin Cobra disappeared. I hear that there’s going to be another substantial contribution turning up sometime soon, and I’d like to make sure it gets to the children and they get to keep it.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if you’re really the Psychic Samurai you know the rest already,” Champagne pointed out. “I travel a lot. You seem to be mostly based in Paradopolis these days. Will you take the retainer?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Who knows about this?” Chiaki asked.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Whoever you tell and nobody else,” Champagne replied. “And I’d like to be kept out of it altogether.”
>
>     Chiaki would have taken the commission even without the money. “I agree,” she said. “I’ll protect them.”
>
>     Champagne handed over a dossier. “Here’s my best threat assessment. Local crooks, gangs, political issues, old rivalries, lines of fire, enemies and allies, the usual thing. Good luck.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You sound like you’re expecting trouble,” frowned Chiaki. “Is there something I don’t know?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not for long, I’d imagine.”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why Jay,” purred Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo, “how delightful to see an old friend.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Old friends don’t throw their injured comrades into the transdimensional vortex to be captured and tortured by the Parody Master,” Hatman replied. He hadn’t come to the Safe to trade banter with the villainess who had secretly infiltrated the Lair Legion for the better part of a year as Citizen Z.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They do when they’re weaklings who don’t have what it takes to make the hard decisions,” Beth replied. “I acted for the good of the world. CrazySugarFreakBoy! made a much better leader.”
>
>     Dreamcatcher Foxglove made a rude sound. “You thought I was an easier mark, is all,” he accused. “You tried to kill Hatty then you shot me in the head.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You were an easier mark,” the Baroness told him. “I’m surprised you’re still alive after your encounter with your President yesterday. Or hasn’t Dominic caught up with you yet?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Mr Epitome tried to throw me through a wall,” CSFB! beamed. “Of course, I bounce.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you’ve settled once and for all the question of whether you’re fit to lead the Lair Legion,” Beth smirked. “It’s a good job Jay decided to leave his imaginary love nest with sweet little Zdenka and come back to take charge of your sadly reduced band of super-boy-scouts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’re not here to trade gossip, Baroness,” Hatman scowled. “We have questions.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But my counsel isn’t present,” the villainess noted. “Isn’t this an infringement of my human rights?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t conquering the planet an infringement of human rights?” CSFB! demanded hotly.
>
>     The Baroness shook her head. “Not when it was a necessary part of saving the world from the aggression of the Parody Master,” she replied. “Conventional defences had failed. The Legion and dear Sir Mumphrey had failed. I had to step up to the plate and do what was required. But I’m sure you’ll hear lots more about that when I have my day in court.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You don’t seriously think anybody will buy that?” Hatman asked.
>
>     The Baroness leaned back in her chair and smirked again.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We have questions,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! repeated. “What did you do with Laurie?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie who?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie Leyton, who you impersonated right down to a psychic level,” Hatman growled. “We know you did something nasty to her in your cellars. Where is she now?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you must have me mixed up with somebody who answers naive stupid questions from effete superheroes,” the Baroness replied.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s your grandfather, Baron Otto?” CSFB! shot at her. “What’s he doing now?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“My dear grandfather died many years ago. I can show you his death certificate.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s Captain Kaan gone?” Hatman demanded. “Where did he take that dimensional dreadnaught that defected?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Kaan has gone? And taken an entire planet-destorying warship with him?” Beth shook her head sadly. “How disturbing.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“He’s not got the Parody Master backing his ship any more,” Hatman acknowledged, “but he could still be trouble.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes indeed,” the Baroness agreed. “You must be quite worried.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What about Silicone Sally?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! challenged. “Any idea where she’ll have slunk off to after she dripped off your fat ass when the PM zapped you?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I really don’t think that some who is married to Alice April Apple should go around insulting other people’s vital statistics,” Elizabeth von Zemo replied. “Tell me, when you and she take that pensioner from Faerie to bed with you do you call her ‘mommy’?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Give it up, Baroness,” Hatman advised. “You might think you’re playing the clever adversary with an ace in the hole. We know you’re actually being the defeated inadequate world conqueror who got taken down despite her treacheries and brutalities and is going to spend the rest of her natural life in prisons like this. Your dumb impostor games placed the whole world in danger and nobody’s going to forget that. You’re just about the most hated person on the planet now and it’s a pleasure to see you punished for your crimes.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or to put it another way, you got your wide ass whupped by a bunch of kids and Sir Mumphrey Wilton,” CSFB! snickered. “You’re not going to Disneyland.”
>
>     The Baroness scowled slightly, but whatever retort she was about to make never passed her lips as the lights went out all over the Safe. The emergency back-ups painted the prison with a livid red light until they also faded out. The alarm klaxons fell silent with a dying wail.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Trouble,” Hatman frowned, reaching for his comm-card.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You should have left the jailbreak attempt until we weren’t here, Bethie,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! warned the Baroness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is nothing to do with me, moron,” she snapped back. “I was near the top off the Parody Master’s kill list. You think I’d want to release a couple of thousand Avawarriors into a high-security confined area with me?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“There’s no radio signal behind these shielded walls,” Hatman discovered. He pulled on his Steelers hat. “We’re on our own.”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That seemed to go very well, Mister Skinner,” noted Mr Flay. The two men in their conservative business suits were stood in the grounds of the abandoned Flanagan Carnival that had once shared Flanagan Island with the metahuman penitentiary.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Very well indeed, Mr Flay. I imagine that Warden Westwood and the others will be somewhat perturbed at the moment.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Somewhat perturbed indeed, Mr Skinner. I believe we can move on to our next task.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s encouraging, Mr Flay. I haven’t broken anyone’s bones since that iced-cream salesgirl this morning.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She won’t forget your sprinkles again, Mr Skinner.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s true, Mr Flay. On account of me twisting her head off.”
>
>     The unusual pair vanished before the security clampdown became total.
>
>
***

>
>     Whitney Darkness, Ebony of Nubilia, and Liu Xi Xian moved their way carefully through the vast shell of the burned out manufacturing plant that loomed over Black’s Crossing. The only light filtered down in dusty shafts through rents in the corrugated iron roof. Occasional pigeons disturbed the dust on the beams above, scattering ash down to join their guano on the detritus of the floor.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something’s wrong,” warned Sorceress.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This whole place is wrong,” Ebony pointed out. “The atmosphere is…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She means something’s specifically wrong now,” Liu Xi clarified. “The dimensions are shifting somehow. It feels like things are closing in around us. Like a trap.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t that likely to be why Xander sent us here?” Ebony checked. “He knew there was some evil that needed to be dealt with, something that he would normally handle.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or manipulate someone else to handle.” Sorceress had no illusions about her absent father, the master of the mystic crafts. “But he’s not the Hooded Hood. Xander doesn’t play games for the sheer pleasure of it.” She frowned and reached for the letter in her pocket. “Why didn’t he give us more information?”
>
>     Liu Xi looked around sharply as a movement in the shadows caught her eye. It was only a rat. “This feels strange,” she admitted. “Like we walked into a movie.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“A horror movie, where the girls get slaughtered one by one,” Ebony agreed. “Let’s not split up and search separately. And maybe we should consider sending out for back-up.”
>
>     Whitney agreed and thumbed her comm-card. “Hallie? It’s Whit, in Black’s Crossing of all place. We could use some help. Who’s available?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sorry Whitney,” the voice of the Legion’s A.I. replied. “You’ve not been around much for us lately. Why should we bail you out? You think we’ve forgotten how you sold us out to the Hooded Hood and let him shape a world where half the team were dead just so you and Jay could be all right?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” gasped Liu Xi as Sorceress turned pale. “That can’t be… No way would she say that.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Check your letters,” Ebony warned, staring at the missive she held in her own trembling hand. The document now read entirely differently:
>
>     Ebony, I’m writing this not because I think you’ll care but just to let you know how badly I miss my father, who you murdered along with so many others that you’ve fed to that elder monster you worship. Sure, dad was stupid and got caught up with some weird psycho cult that was doing weird things, but I know he’d have pulled round and become himself again if only you hadn’t brought that thing to slaughter him…
>
>     Liu Xi quickly glanced down at her own letter; …could have had my love, could have turned me around, taught me what it means to be human, to be a hero. But now I know what I am – a monster, a Doomherald, so from now on no restraint, no attempts at humanity, just death, murder and death, and every one of them will be dedicated to you, my faithless flower, every single time I kill will be in your name and it will be because of you…
>
>     The young elementalist swallowed hard. “We have to get out of here!” she cried, grabbing Sorceress and Ebony and manipulating the fifth Chinese element void to transport them far from that terrible place.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hold on…!” warned Whitney, but by then Liu Xi could already feel the void tearing under her, dropping them out of reality to somewhere else.
>
>     Sorceress just had time to glimpse her own letter as they fell into hell. It simply said: Got you.
>
>
***

>
>
> Continued...
>
>
***

>
> Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.






HH


 Subject: And if this doesn't all turn out to be a collection of random scenes? [Re: Rhiannon]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 12:08:51 pm EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows 2000

> >
#322: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Ever After - Part Two
> >
> > Go to Part 1
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer.”
> >
> >     Sarah Shepherdson turned over in bed and saw Harry smiling down at her.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Er, what?” she answered, trying to cover he panic at being identified as a member of the Lair Legion.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer,” Harry repeated, still smiling. “You look just like her.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Um yes,” Shep agreed, pulling the bedclothes up around herself. “I’ve heard that before. But that doesn’t mean…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’ve even got her accent.”
> >
> >     Previously, Dancer’s probability powers had prevented anyone from making the logical connection between two athletic bubbly brunettes from County Mudd, Ireland who were never seen in the same place together. Had Dancer’s influence faded so much that she wasn’t covered now – except by a rumpled duvet?
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s not what you think, Harry,” Sarah said desperately.
> >
> >     Harry leaned back, still grinning. “And what am I thinking.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re thinking that I’m…” She frowned and looked at him again. “What are you thinking?”
> >
> >     Harry leaned forward. “I’m thinking that a girl who looks quite a bit like the Probability Dancer could do very well for herself. Have you ever thought about going on stage?”
> >
> >     Shep blinked. “On stage? I’m… So you don’t think…?”
> >
> >     Harry played with a lock of her long loose hair. “Hear me out, Sarah. I’m working as part of the crew for a new theatrical tour production: Lair Legion, the Musical. It’s all about the heroes of the Parody War. We’re casting now.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you’ve got this a bit confused, Harry. You’re supposed to tell me you can get me in the movies before you try to take me to bed.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Didn’t need to, did I?” Harry chuckled. “And don’t feel bad about that. I’m honoured to be the one that helped you get over your misery, at least for now. I’m totally okay being used only for sex for as long as you need me to. But I’ve got a job to do as well, and finding people to play the Legion on a major European tour is high on my list.” He looked thoughtful. “I don’t suppose you have an Australian friend who’s into bodybuilding, do you?”
> >
> >     Dancer caught her breath. “So let’s get this straight. You turn out to be a casting director for a Lair Legion musical…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Assistant to the assistant casting director,” Harry warned. “I can’t guarantee you anything.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you think I could play Dancer in a world tour?”
> >
> >     Harry shrugged. “I think you should at least audition,” he persuaded her. “Do you think you could act like Dancer?”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Liu Xi Xian got off the bus and looked around the gloomy industrial wasteland of Black’s Crossing. There was a chill in the air, as if it was going to snow, but she didn’t sense any weather patterns to account for it. The dull dirty buildings were mostly dark and many had broken windows.
> >
> >     The only occupants of the town square moved away from the burned out frontage of a video shop and came to meet her. “So, you got one too,” said Ebony of Nubilia.
> >
> >     Liu Xi knew what the the high priestess of the Manga Shoggoth was talking about, of course. The letter had arrived by overseas surface mail this morning, and she’d come immediately. “I didn’t understand it though,” she admitted. “Why would Xander want us to come here?”
> >
> >     The third woman present, Whitney Darkness, looked around her as a gust of wind whipped up the street trash. Liu Xi hadn’t seen quite that expression on Sorceress’ face before. The Chinese elementalist realised that Whitney Darkness was actually nervous. “I’ve been here before,” Sorceress admitted.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This place looks like a ghost town,” Liu Xi noted.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is,” Whitney answered. “Literally. I came here with the Legion years ago. Back then it was a horrible industrial place where people on the poverty line were trapped slaving their lives away in soul-destroying banal misery. The boss who owned the town was a very special kind of vampire, sucking the life from the whole population. It… wasn’t a pleasant visit.”
> >
> >     Liu Xi looked around her. There was something wrong about Black’s Crossing, something that set her teeth on edge. “You got him, though. The vampire?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“In the end,” shuddered Sorceress. “We cleaned this place. People were able to leave at last. The Bautista foundation helped them set up somewhere else. Not many folks chose to stay on.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then why did Xander write to me – to us – and ask us to come here today?” Liu Xi wondered.”
> >
> >     Ebony looked up at the grey sky that still seemed stained by the smog from the former factory. “You can sense it. This is still a thin place, where the usual barriers between the mortal and mundane and… the rest… aren’t quite strong enough. The Legion cleaned out the evil that had crept in here, but that just left a nice empty space for something else.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” Liu Xi sensed.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” agreed Whitney. “My father’s gone now. Hs letter made it clear that he and Cleone couldn’t stay around now because something is coming that he couldn’t stop. Something whose first move would be to destroy the sorcerer supreme.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So he needs us to mind the store for him,” Liu Xi agreed. “You know about high magics and things, Ebony’s an expert of dark cults and rituals, and I can sense elemental disturbances. Between us we can sub for a master of the mystic crafts.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not too happy about being part of another Xander manipulation,” Ebony admitted. “He tends to get very close to the line, sometimes.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But he knows his evil,” Whitney sighed. “You know, I hoped I’d never have to come back here.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Was it bad?” asked Liu Xi, catching a little of Sorceress’ nervousness.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The spirit possessing Hatman very nearly peeled the skin off my face,” she remembered with another shudder, “and that was the nicest part.”
> >
> >     Ebony was dangling a pebble on a piece of string and watching which way it swung. “I think we need to take a look around that derelict factory,” she admitted. “Just in case.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just in case we want to die?” Liu Xi asked.
> >
> >     The three women exchanged glances and moved towards the dark looming silhouette of the old Black Processing Plant.
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hello, Wally,” Hallie greeted the Lair Legion’s postman. “Anything interesting today?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Some kind of letters from England,” the old carrier noted. “Handwriting of Xander the Improbable, looks like. Addressed to Misses Darkness and Xian and to Lady Ebony. Sealed with wax and all.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s a while since we’ve had a letter from Xander,” Hallie commented. “I wonder what he wants? Put them on the side-table, Wally. Whit, Liu Xi, and Ebony aren’t here just now. I’ll let them know about the letters when they get back.”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     The Doom Tube opened and the master of Apocalyspe strode out, his hands clasped behind his back, his grey granite face promising death and destruction wherever he went. Dark Thugos had recently returned to claim rulership of his tormented homeworld. A little way behind him came his prime servitor Granny Grimness.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I didn’t need this my first day back on the job,” muttered Amber St Clare.
> >
> >     Mr Epitome moved forward to meet Thugos. “Ready?” he asked. He had no words of greeting for the former Destroyer of Tales, the former tyrant of a Sol Empire in another timeline. Glory and Yuki were also present in the Lair Mansion cell block for the meeting.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Bring the prisoners forward,” commanded Dark Thugos.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not so fast, Stoney,” Yuki interjecting, springing forward to block the archvillain’s path. “Before we hand over Splendiferous Stewart and General Steppenstoat and Kwatrain and the other Apocalyspian nasties who caused so much trouble here in the run-up to the Parody War we want to hear some assurances from you about what happens to them next.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You dare to question the will of Dark Thugos?” demanded Granny Grimness dangerously. Her large armoured bulk belied her thin ancient voice.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yep,” the cyborg P.I. agreed. “We do. Questioning the will of mad tyrants is pretty much our job description.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if I simply choose to remove my erring retainers from your inadequate containment facilities?” asked Dark Thugos.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then there will be unpleasantness,” Mr Epitome warned, staring him in the eye.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think you could stand against Dark Thugos and Granny Grimness?” scorned Granny, her face darkening with rage.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think your boss knows now isn’t the time to start a war with the Lair Legion,” Epitome replied. “Your world’s in ruins, your armies shattered, your weapons depleted. There are lots of nervous galactic powers and cosmic beings out there feeling a bit sensitive just now about warmongering demigods. I think Dark Thugos is smart enough to work out when diplomacy is better than threats, even if you aren’t.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if he isn’t,” Yuki added, “we’re the Legion. We’ll find a way to kick his butt.”
> >
> >     Mr Epitome glanced at her. “Just because Trickshot’s not here doesn’t mean you have to fill the arrogant bigmouth role,” he scowled.
> >
> >     Yuki shrugged. “I’m over my being impressed by big looming bullies phase.” It wasn’t clear to whom that remark was addressed.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The exchange,” Glory whined, prompting them back to business.
> >
> >     Amber reluctantly moved forward. “In our preliminary negotiations, we agreed that the prisoners we return will be held on Apocalyspe and never come back to this world,” she noted. “They will be punished in non-lethal manner in accordance with your local criminal justice systems…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh yes,” chuckled Granny gleefully. “They’ve been naughty boys and their Granny is very cross with them.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will be held accountable for their actions regarding Special Resolution 1066 and the Parody War, but also for their previous crimes in kidnapping humans to Apocalyspe for their inhuman war games.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will pay for their failures,” Thugos promised. “I have spoken.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You agree to the terms?” Mr Epitome liked things clear.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I agree.”
> >
> >     Yuki nodded. “I’ll bring the prisoners out, then,” she acknowledged, turning to the holding cells.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That will not be necessary,” intoned the tyrant. His eyes flared and livid red beams darted from them. They curved around Epitome and Yuki and passed through the holding cell walls to engulf the prisoners in lurid crimson fire. Kwatrain, Steppenstoat, and Stuart had just enough time to scream before they were consumed. “They have been returned to Apocalyspe to await my mercy,” declared Dark Thugos.
> >
> >     Amber suppressed a shudder. “Well… that’s very nice, then,” she said.
> >
> >     Thugos turned to look at Epitome before he left. “You survived on Apocalyspe,” he noted. “You and your woman.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes,” agreed the paragon of power. “That’s a nasty vicious planet you have there.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You are amongst the strong,” Thugos approved.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am amongst the free,” Epitome replied. “Every tyrant should fear us.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, this day’s going well,” Amber said in a high brittle voice. “Canapés, anyone?”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Lee Bookman, former Librarian of Sector 7272, you stand accused…” intoned the Governor who was to act as prosecutor in the hearing upon the actions of the Librarian Legionnaire during the Parody War.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh do be quiet,” interrupted Lee. He hopped over the barrier rail and dropped onto the floor of the Inquisition Chamber. “Automatic systems over-ride Delbrulian Comsalach Truvane Achidromos. Transfer all Central Repository systems to my voice command.”
> >
> >     There was a surprised hiccup from the Repository A.I.s as over-ride codes that had been forgotten for millennia cut in. The ancient commands had priorities higher than any that could be placed into the system these days, commands placed there by the Founding Librarians themselves.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” demanded the Governor.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I downloaded the entire Grand Archive through my head,” Lee pointed out. “You think I didn’t index IOL over-ride codes?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So now we’re going to stop this hypocritical charade and sort a few things out,” the Librarian demanded. “Anyone who thinks differently is welcome to deal with the A.L.F.s and data entities who now work for me.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is against all Library procedure!” shouted Supervisor Garth. “This is…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is long overdue,” interrupted Selinda Saxmendrim. “Go, Lee!”
> >
> >     Leonard H. Bookman stood in the centre of the speaking circle and addressed his accusers – and every librarian in the Intergalactic Order. “First to the charges. I resigned as a Librarian when this organisation surrendered its mission and its facilities to the interplanetary tyrant the Parody Master. You didn’t keep the sacred data safe, and you were willing to give it to a enemy of creation to save your skins. You violated the sacred vows we make about the sanctity of the material we hold.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But the archive would have been destroyed otherwise,” protested Auditor Blay-Kee. “Billions of years of documents lost forever.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“If that’s the price we have to pay for upholding our oath to keep the data from those who shouldn’t have it then that’s what we should have done,” Lee answered gravely. “Fortunately the Grand Librarian has a different idea. He arranged for me to be brought here, and for the entire archive to be downloaded through me, emptying the data banks in the Central Repository so they’d be useless to the Parody Master.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We were all nearly executed for that!” Garth accused.
> >
> >     Lee didn’t care. “Meanwhile, the Board of my local library branch, the Lunar Public Library, used a seldom-invoked clause of our charter to declare independence from the IOL. Nobody’s done that for a very long time, but as I’ve just demonstrated with those over-ride codes, just because it hasn’t been done in a while doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. Professor Blargelslarch and my trustees separated my library from the IOL, so I was able to donate the great archive to the systems there.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“No mere branch library could hold the grand archive,” a Governor scorned.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And no mere Librarian could be a conduit for so much data without going mad,” Lee added. “We improvised. The data is secure.”
> >
> >     There was a collective buzz of relief amongst the librarians. Some began to sob.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But before I let you have the archive back,” Lee Bookman announced to the IOL, “if I let you have the archive back, we’re going to get over this hypocritical nonsense of pretending that the Governors didn’t betray our high calling. We’re going to remind ourselves of the purpose of libraries in inform, educate, and enlighten the public. And we’re going to get past all this rubbish about Auditor fleets and Inquisitors and executions.” He suddenly grinned a manic smile. “We’re going to make some changes.”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Visionary’s editorial comment as he dropped through myriad strange dimensions suspended by a thin monofilament thread and a life-preserving atmospheric sheath harness: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!”
> >
> >     He briefly glimpsed – and dismissed – dozens, maybe hundreds, of bizarre new worlds. The worst were the ones where the inhabitants seemed to recognise him and wave back. He dropped into regions where smell registered as sight and sight as sound. He passed momentarily through a zone where his body was inverted and he could clearly see his internal organs trailing merrily behind him. Then he landed with a soft plop into a mound of goo not unlike that of the Manga Shoggoth he was looking for.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well,” said the man in black who was standing on top of the custard-skin surface of the protoplasm. “This is a pleasant surprise.”
> >
> >     It wasn’t that happy a moment for Visionary. “Nyalurkhotep,” he recognised.
> >
> >     The prime servitor of the Fairly Great Old Ones nodded and looked down at the little human whose soul he had once tried to devour. “That’s right,” agreed the man in black. “I’d come along to consume the Shoggoth, of course, but you’ll make a very welcome dessert.”
> >
> >     
> >
***

> >
> >     Chiaki walked with a balanced poise that gave no indication that only a few days earlier she’d taken a poisoned blade through her chest cavity. She arrived early, decided on the best watchpoint, and moved to the position.
> >
> >     She found Champagne keeping watch from it.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh, hi,” the international jewel thief greeted the Psychic Samurai. “I guess we had the same instincts.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I like to check out potential clients before I meet them if I can,” Chiaki Bushido noted. “That’s why I’m early. I don’t know you.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you know I’m the kind of girl who arrives early too,” Champagne pointed out. “Shall we discuss business now or would you prefer to wait until the time we agreed?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Now’s fine,” the Samurai agreed. “I’m curious why we had to meet outside St Jude’s Orphanage in Hell’s Bathroom.”
> >
> >     Champagne looked down at the battered brownstone house. “Did you know that St Jude was the patron saint of lost causes?” she asked.
> >
> >     Chiaki cut to the chase. “What’s the job?” she asked.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’d like to put you on retainer,” Champagne replied. “Not exclusively, of course. You’re quite a liberty to do whatever else you need to do. But I’d like you to keep an eye on that orphanage as well.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“On the orphanage?”
> >
> >     The jewel thief nodded. “You see, until recently Trickshot kept an eye on the place, and that was enough to deter the local thugs from getting ambitious. And Police Commissioner Graham’s daughter was a teacher there. Both of them are gone now.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think somebody might try and do something nasty to the orphans?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s been tried before. This is a bad neighbourhood, and that’s one of the very few good things in it. The Lair Legion can’t always keep an eye out here – and you’re reputed to be very good at anticipating trouble.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You want me to bodyguard a whole orphanage. What’s your interest?”
> >
> >     Champagne smiled. “Rumour has it that St Jude’s used to receive large anonymous donations that kept it going, up to the point where the vigilante assassin Cobra disappeared. I hear that there’s going to be another substantial contribution turning up sometime soon, and I’d like to make sure it gets to the children and they get to keep it.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if you’re really the Psychic Samurai you know the rest already,” Champagne pointed out. “I travel a lot. You seem to be mostly based in Paradopolis these days. Will you take the retainer?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Who knows about this?” Chiaki asked.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Whoever you tell and nobody else,” Champagne replied. “And I’d like to be kept out of it altogether.”
> >
> >     Chiaki would have taken the commission even without the money. “I agree,” she said. “I’ll protect them.”
> >
> >     Champagne handed over a dossier. “Here’s my best threat assessment. Local crooks, gangs, political issues, old rivalries, lines of fire, enemies and allies, the usual thing. Good luck.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You sound like you’re expecting trouble,” frowned Chiaki. “Is there something I don’t know?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not for long, I’d imagine.”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why Jay,” purred Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo, “how delightful to see an old friend.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Old friends don’t throw their injured comrades into the transdimensional vortex to be captured and tortured by the Parody Master,” Hatman replied. He hadn’t come to the Safe to trade banter with the villainess who had secretly infiltrated the Lair Legion for the better part of a year as Citizen Z.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They do when they’re weaklings who don’t have what it takes to make the hard decisions,” Beth replied. “I acted for the good of the world. CrazySugarFreakBoy! made a much better leader.”
> >
> >     Dreamcatcher Foxglove made a rude sound. “You thought I was an easier mark, is all,” he accused. “You tried to kill Hatty then you shot me in the head.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You were an easier mark,” the Baroness told him. “I’m surprised you’re still alive after your encounter with your President yesterday. Or hasn’t Dominic caught up with you yet?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Mr Epitome tried to throw me through a wall,” CSFB! beamed. “Of course, I bounce.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you’ve settled once and for all the question of whether you’re fit to lead the Lair Legion,” Beth smirked. “It’s a good job Jay decided to leave his imaginary love nest with sweet little Zdenka and come back to take charge of your sadly reduced band of super-boy-scouts.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’re not here to trade gossip, Baroness,” Hatman scowled. “We have questions.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But my counsel isn’t present,” the villainess noted. “Isn’t this an infringement of my human rights?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t conquering the planet an infringement of human rights?” CSFB! demanded hotly.
> >
> >     The Baroness shook her head. “Not when it was a necessary part of saving the world from the aggression of the Parody Master,” she replied. “Conventional defences had failed. The Legion and dear Sir Mumphrey had failed. I had to step up to the plate and do what was required. But I’m sure you’ll hear lots more about that when I have my day in court.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You don’t seriously think anybody will buy that?” Hatman asked.
> >
> >     The Baroness leaned back in her chair and smirked again.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We have questions,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! repeated. “What did you do with Laurie?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie who?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie Leyton, who you impersonated right down to a psychic level,” Hatman growled. “We know you did something nasty to her in your cellars. Where is she now?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you must have me mixed up with somebody who answers naive stupid questions from effete superheroes,” the Baroness replied.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s your grandfather, Baron Otto?” CSFB! shot at her. “What’s he doing now?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“My dear grandfather died many years ago. I can show you his death certificate.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s Captain Kaan gone?” Hatman demanded. “Where did he take that dimensional dreadnaught that defected?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Kaan has gone? And taken an entire planet-destorying warship with him?” Beth shook her head sadly. “How disturbing.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“He’s not got the Parody Master backing his ship any more,” Hatman acknowledged, “but he could still be trouble.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes indeed,” the Baroness agreed. “You must be quite worried.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What about Silicone Sally?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! challenged. “Any idea where she’ll have slunk off to after she dripped off your fat ass when the PM zapped you?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I really don’t think that some who is married to Alice April Apple should go around insulting other people’s vital statistics,” Elizabeth von Zemo replied. “Tell me, when you and she take that pensioner from Faerie to bed with you do you call her ‘mommy’?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Give it up, Baroness,” Hatman advised. “You might think you’re playing the clever adversary with an ace in the hole. We know you’re actually being the defeated inadequate world conqueror who got taken down despite her treacheries and brutalities and is going to spend the rest of her natural life in prisons like this. Your dumb impostor games placed the whole world in danger and nobody’s going to forget that. You’re just about the most hated person on the planet now and it’s a pleasure to see you punished for your crimes.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or to put it another way, you got your wide ass whupped by a bunch of kids and Sir Mumphrey Wilton,” CSFB! snickered. “You’re not going to Disneyland.”
> >
> >     The Baroness scowled slightly, but whatever retort she was about to make never passed her lips as the lights went out all over the Safe. The emergency back-ups painted the prison with a livid red light until they also faded out. The alarm klaxons fell silent with a dying wail.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Trouble,” Hatman frowned, reaching for his comm-card.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You should have left the jailbreak attempt until we weren’t here, Bethie,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! warned the Baroness.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is nothing to do with me, moron,” she snapped back. “I was near the top off the Parody Master’s kill list. You think I’d want to release a couple of thousand Avawarriors into a high-security confined area with me?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“There’s no radio signal behind these shielded walls,” Hatman discovered. He pulled on his Steelers hat. “We’re on our own.”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That seemed to go very well, Mister Skinner,” noted Mr Flay. The two men in their conservative business suits were stood in the grounds of the abandoned Flanagan Carnival that had once shared Flanagan Island with the metahuman penitentiary.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Very well indeed, Mr Flay. I imagine that Warden Westwood and the others will be somewhat perturbed at the moment.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Somewhat perturbed indeed, Mr Skinner. I believe we can move on to our next task.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s encouraging, Mr Flay. I haven’t broken anyone’s bones since that iced-cream salesgirl this morning.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She won’t forget your sprinkles again, Mr Skinner.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s true, Mr Flay. On account of me twisting her head off.”
> >
> >     The unusual pair vanished before the security clampdown became total.
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Whitney Darkness, Ebony of Nubilia, and Liu Xi Xian moved their way carefully through the vast shell of the burned out manufacturing plant that loomed over Black’s Crossing. The only light filtered down in dusty shafts through rents in the corrugated iron roof. Occasional pigeons disturbed the dust on the beams above, scattering ash down to join their guano on the detritus of the floor.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something’s wrong,” warned Sorceress.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This whole place is wrong,” Ebony pointed out. “The atmosphere is…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She means something’s specifically wrong now,” Liu Xi clarified. “The dimensions are shifting somehow. It feels like things are closing in around us. Like a trap.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t that likely to be why Xander sent us here?” Ebony checked. “He knew there was some evil that needed to be dealt with, something that he would normally handle.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or manipulate someone else to handle.” Sorceress had no illusions about her absent father, the master of the mystic crafts. “But he’s not the Hooded Hood. Xander doesn’t play games for the sheer pleasure of it.” She frowned and reached for the letter in her pocket. “Why didn’t he give us more information?”
> >
> >     Liu Xi looked around sharply as a movement in the shadows caught her eye. It was only a rat. “This feels strange,” she admitted. “Like we walked into a movie.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“A horror movie, where the girls get slaughtered one by one,” Ebony agreed. “Let’s not split up and search separately. And maybe we should consider sending out for back-up.”
> >
> >     Whitney agreed and thumbed her comm-card. “Hallie? It’s Whit, in Black’s Crossing of all place. We could use some help. Who’s available?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sorry Whitney,” the voice of the Legion’s A.I. replied. “You’ve not been around much for us lately. Why should we bail you out? You think we’ve forgotten how you sold us out to the Hooded Hood and let him shape a world where half the team were dead just so you and Jay could be all right?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” gasped Liu Xi as Sorceress turned pale. “That can’t be… No way would she say that.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Check your letters,” Ebony warned, staring at the missive she held in her own trembling hand. The document now read entirely differently:
> >
> >     Ebony, I’m writing this not because I think you’ll care but just to let you know how badly I miss my father, who you murdered along with so many others that you’ve fed to that elder monster you worship. Sure, dad was stupid and got caught up with some weird psycho cult that was doing weird things, but I know he’d have pulled round and become himself again if only you hadn’t brought that thing to slaughter him…
> >
> >     Liu Xi quickly glanced down at her own letter; …could have had my love, could have turned me around, taught me what it means to be human, to be a hero. But now I know what I am – a monster, a Doomherald, so from now on no restraint, no attempts at humanity, just death, murder and death, and every one of them will be dedicated to you, my faithless flower, every single time I kill will be in your name and it will be because of you…
> >
> >     The young elementalist swallowed hard. “We have to get out of here!” she cried, grabbing Sorceress and Ebony and manipulating the fifth Chinese element void to transport them far from that terrible place.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hold on…!” warned Whitney, but by then Liu Xi could already feel the void tearing under her, dropping them out of reality to somewhere else.
> >
> >     Sorceress just had time to glimpse her own letter as they fell into hell. It simply said: Got you.
> >
> >
***

> >
> >
> > Continued...
> >
> >
***

> >
> > Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.






HH


 Subject: Re: How mysterious! [Re: Al B. Harper]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 12:09:54 pm EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows 2000




HH


 Subject: But don't blink. [Re: Scott]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 12:10:21 pm EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows 2000

>
> >
#322: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Ever After - Part Two
> >
> > Go to Part 1
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer.”
> >
> >     Sarah Shepherdson turned over in bed and saw Harry smiling down at her.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Er, what?” she answered, trying to cover he panic at being identified as a member of the Lair Legion.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer,” Harry repeated, still smiling. “You look just like her.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Um yes,” Shep agreed, pulling the bedclothes up around herself. “I’ve heard that before. But that doesn’t mean…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’ve even got her accent.”
> >
> >     Previously, Dancer’s probability powers had prevented anyone from making the logical connection between two athletic bubbly brunettes from County Mudd, Ireland who were never seen in the same place together. Had Dancer’s influence faded so much that she wasn’t covered now – except by a rumpled duvet?
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s not what you think, Harry,” Sarah said desperately.
> >
> >     Harry leaned back, still grinning. “And what am I thinking.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re thinking that I’m…” She frowned and looked at him again. “What are you thinking?”
> >
> >     Harry leaned forward. “I’m thinking that a girl who looks quite a bit like the Probability Dancer could do very well for herself. Have you ever thought about going on stage?”
> >
> >     Shep blinked. “On stage? I’m… So you don’t think…?”
> >
> >     Harry played with a lock of her long loose hair. “Hear me out, Sarah. I’m working as part of the crew for a new theatrical tour production: Lair Legion, the Musical. It’s all about the heroes of the Parody War. We’re casting now.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you’ve got this a bit confused, Harry. You’re supposed to tell me you can get me in the movies before you try to take me to bed.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Didn’t need to, did I?” Harry chuckled. “And don’t feel bad about that. I’m honoured to be the one that helped you get over your misery, at least for now. I’m totally okay being used only for sex for as long as you need me to. But I’ve got a job to do as well, and finding people to play the Legion on a major European tour is high on my list.” He looked thoughtful. “I don’t suppose you have an Australian friend who’s into bodybuilding, do you?”
> >
> >     Dancer caught her breath. “So let’s get this straight. You turn out to be a casting director for a Lair Legion musical…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Assistant to the assistant casting director,” Harry warned. “I can’t guarantee you anything.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you think I could play Dancer in a world tour?”
> >
> >     Harry shrugged. “I think you should at least audition,” he persuaded her. “Do you think you could act like Dancer?”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Liu Xi Xian got off the bus and looked around the gloomy industrial wasteland of Black’s Crossing. There was a chill in the air, as if it was going to snow, but she didn’t sense any weather patterns to account for it. The dull dirty buildings were mostly dark and many had broken windows.
> >
> >     The only occupants of the town square moved away from the burned out frontage of a video shop and came to meet her. “So, you got one too,” said Ebony of Nubilia.
> >
> >     Liu Xi knew what the the high priestess of the Manga Shoggoth was talking about, of course. The letter had arrived by overseas surface mail this morning, and she’d come immediately. “I didn’t understand it though,” she admitted. “Why would Xander want us to come here?”
> >
> >     The third woman present, Whitney Darkness, looked around her as a gust of wind whipped up the street trash. Liu Xi hadn’t seen quite that expression on Sorceress’ face before. The Chinese elementalist realised that Whitney Darkness was actually nervous. “I’ve been here before,” Sorceress admitted.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This place looks like a ghost town,” Liu Xi noted.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is,” Whitney answered. “Literally. I came here with the Legion years ago. Back then it was a horrible industrial place where people on the poverty line were trapped slaving their lives away in soul-destroying banal misery. The boss who owned the town was a very special kind of vampire, sucking the life from the whole population. It… wasn’t a pleasant visit.”
> >
> >     Liu Xi looked around her. There was something wrong about Black’s Crossing, something that set her teeth on edge. “You got him, though. The vampire?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“In the end,” shuddered Sorceress. “We cleaned this place. People were able to leave at last. The Bautista foundation helped them set up somewhere else. Not many folks chose to stay on.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then why did Xander write to me – to us – and ask us to come here today?” Liu Xi wondered.”
> >
> >     Ebony looked up at the grey sky that still seemed stained by the smog from the former factory. “You can sense it. This is still a thin place, where the usual barriers between the mortal and mundane and… the rest… aren’t quite strong enough. The Legion cleaned out the evil that had crept in here, but that just left a nice empty space for something else.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” Liu Xi sensed.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” agreed Whitney. “My father’s gone now. Hs letter made it clear that he and Cleone couldn’t stay around now because something is coming that he couldn’t stop. Something whose first move would be to destroy the sorcerer supreme.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So he needs us to mind the store for him,” Liu Xi agreed. “You know about high magics and things, Ebony’s an expert of dark cults and rituals, and I can sense elemental disturbances. Between us we can sub for a master of the mystic crafts.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not too happy about being part of another Xander manipulation,” Ebony admitted. “He tends to get very close to the line, sometimes.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But he knows his evil,” Whitney sighed. “You know, I hoped I’d never have to come back here.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Was it bad?” asked Liu Xi, catching a little of Sorceress’ nervousness.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The spirit possessing Hatman very nearly peeled the skin off my face,” she remembered with another shudder, “and that was the nicest part.”
> >
> >     Ebony was dangling a pebble on a piece of string and watching which way it swung. “I think we need to take a look around that derelict factory,” she admitted. “Just in case.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just in case we want to die?” Liu Xi asked.
> >
> >     The three women exchanged glances and moved towards the dark looming silhouette of the old Black Processing Plant.
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hello, Wally,” Hallie greeted the Lair Legion’s postman. “Anything interesting today?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Some kind of letters from England,” the old carrier noted. “Handwriting of Xander the Improbable, looks like. Addressed to Misses Darkness and Xian and to Lady Ebony. Sealed with wax and all.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s a while since we’ve had a letter from Xander,” Hallie commented. “I wonder what he wants? Put them on the side-table, Wally. Whit, Liu Xi, and Ebony aren’t here just now. I’ll let them know about the letters when they get back.”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     The Doom Tube opened and the master of Apocalyspe strode out, his hands clasped behind his back, his grey granite face promising death and destruction wherever he went. Dark Thugos had recently returned to claim rulership of his tormented homeworld. A little way behind him came his prime servitor Granny Grimness.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I didn’t need this my first day back on the job,” muttered Amber St Clare.
> >
> >     Mr Epitome moved forward to meet Thugos. “Ready?” he asked. He had no words of greeting for the former Destroyer of Tales, the former tyrant of a Sol Empire in another timeline. Glory and Yuki were also present in the Lair Mansion cell block for the meeting.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Bring the prisoners forward,” commanded Dark Thugos.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not so fast, Stoney,” Yuki interjecting, springing forward to block the archvillain’s path. “Before we hand over Splendiferous Stewart and General Steppenstoat and Kwatrain and the other Apocalyspian nasties who caused so much trouble here in the run-up to the Parody War we want to hear some assurances from you about what happens to them next.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You dare to question the will of Dark Thugos?” demanded Granny Grimness dangerously. Her large armoured bulk belied her thin ancient voice.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yep,” the cyborg P.I. agreed. “We do. Questioning the will of mad tyrants is pretty much our job description.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if I simply choose to remove my erring retainers from your inadequate containment facilities?” asked Dark Thugos.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then there will be unpleasantness,” Mr Epitome warned, staring him in the eye.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think you could stand against Dark Thugos and Granny Grimness?” scorned Granny, her face darkening with rage.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think your boss knows now isn’t the time to start a war with the Lair Legion,” Epitome replied. “Your world’s in ruins, your armies shattered, your weapons depleted. There are lots of nervous galactic powers and cosmic beings out there feeling a bit sensitive just now about warmongering demigods. I think Dark Thugos is smart enough to work out when diplomacy is better than threats, even if you aren’t.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if he isn’t,” Yuki added, “we’re the Legion. We’ll find a way to kick his butt.”
> >
> >     Mr Epitome glanced at her. “Just because Trickshot’s not here doesn’t mean you have to fill the arrogant bigmouth role,” he scowled.
> >
> >     Yuki shrugged. “I’m over my being impressed by big looming bullies phase.” It wasn’t clear to whom that remark was addressed.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The exchange,” Glory whined, prompting them back to business.
> >
> >     Amber reluctantly moved forward. “In our preliminary negotiations, we agreed that the prisoners we return will be held on Apocalyspe and never come back to this world,” she noted. “They will be punished in non-lethal manner in accordance with your local criminal justice systems…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh yes,” chuckled Granny gleefully. “They’ve been naughty boys and their Granny is very cross with them.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will be held accountable for their actions regarding Special Resolution 1066 and the Parody War, but also for their previous crimes in kidnapping humans to Apocalyspe for their inhuman war games.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will pay for their failures,” Thugos promised. “I have spoken.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You agree to the terms?” Mr Epitome liked things clear.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I agree.”
> >
> >     Yuki nodded. “I’ll bring the prisoners out, then,” she acknowledged, turning to the holding cells.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That will not be necessary,” intoned the tyrant. His eyes flared and livid red beams darted from them. They curved around Epitome and Yuki and passed through the holding cell walls to engulf the prisoners in lurid crimson fire. Kwatrain, Steppenstoat, and Stuart had just enough time to scream before they were consumed. “They have been returned to Apocalyspe to await my mercy,” declared Dark Thugos.
> >
> >     Amber suppressed a shudder. “Well… that’s very nice, then,” she said.
> >
> >     Thugos turned to look at Epitome before he left. “You survived on Apocalyspe,” he noted. “You and your woman.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes,” agreed the paragon of power. “That’s a nasty vicious planet you have there.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You are amongst the strong,” Thugos approved.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am amongst the free,” Epitome replied. “Every tyrant should fear us.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, this day’s going well,” Amber said in a high brittle voice. “Canapés, anyone?”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Lee Bookman, former Librarian of Sector 7272, you stand accused…” intoned the Governor who was to act as prosecutor in the hearing upon the actions of the Librarian Legionnaire during the Parody War.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh do be quiet,” interrupted Lee. He hopped over the barrier rail and dropped onto the floor of the Inquisition Chamber. “Automatic systems over-ride Delbrulian Comsalach Truvane Achidromos. Transfer all Central Repository systems to my voice command.”
> >
> >     There was a surprised hiccup from the Repository A.I.s as over-ride codes that had been forgotten for millennia cut in. The ancient commands had priorities higher than any that could be placed into the system these days, commands placed there by the Founding Librarians themselves.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” demanded the Governor.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I downloaded the entire Grand Archive through my head,” Lee pointed out. “You think I didn’t index IOL over-ride codes?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So now we’re going to stop this hypocritical charade and sort a few things out,” the Librarian demanded. “Anyone who thinks differently is welcome to deal with the A.L.F.s and data entities who now work for me.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is against all Library procedure!” shouted Supervisor Garth. “This is…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is long overdue,” interrupted Selinda Saxmendrim. “Go, Lee!”
> >
> >     Leonard H. Bookman stood in the centre of the speaking circle and addressed his accusers – and every librarian in the Intergalactic Order. “First to the charges. I resigned as a Librarian when this organisation surrendered its mission and its facilities to the interplanetary tyrant the Parody Master. You didn’t keep the sacred data safe, and you were willing to give it to a enemy of creation to save your skins. You violated the sacred vows we make about the sanctity of the material we hold.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But the archive would have been destroyed otherwise,” protested Auditor Blay-Kee. “Billions of years of documents lost forever.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“If that’s the price we have to pay for upholding our oath to keep the data from those who shouldn’t have it then that’s what we should have done,” Lee answered gravely. “Fortunately the Grand Librarian has a different idea. He arranged for me to be brought here, and for the entire archive to be downloaded through me, emptying the data banks in the Central Repository so they’d be useless to the Parody Master.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We were all nearly executed for that!” Garth accused.
> >
> >     Lee didn’t care. “Meanwhile, the Board of my local library branch, the Lunar Public Library, used a seldom-invoked clause of our charter to declare independence from the IOL. Nobody’s done that for a very long time, but as I’ve just demonstrated with those over-ride codes, just because it hasn’t been done in a while doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. Professor Blargelslarch and my trustees separated my library from the IOL, so I was able to donate the great archive to the systems there.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“No mere branch library could hold the grand archive,” a Governor scorned.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And no mere Librarian could be a conduit for so much data without going mad,” Lee added. “We improvised. The data is secure.”
> >
> >     There was a collective buzz of relief amongst the librarians. Some began to sob.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But before I let you have the archive back,” Lee Bookman announced to the IOL, “if I let you have the archive back, we’re going to get over this hypocritical nonsense of pretending that the Governors didn’t betray our high calling. We’re going to remind ourselves of the purpose of libraries in inform, educate, and enlighten the public. And we’re going to get past all this rubbish about Auditor fleets and Inquisitors and executions.” He suddenly grinned a manic smile. “We’re going to make some changes.”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Visionary’s editorial comment as he dropped through myriad strange dimensions suspended by a thin monofilament thread and a life-preserving atmospheric sheath harness: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!”
> >
> >     He briefly glimpsed – and dismissed – dozens, maybe hundreds, of bizarre new worlds. The worst were the ones where the inhabitants seemed to recognise him and wave back. He dropped into regions where smell registered as sight and sight as sound. He passed momentarily through a zone where his body was inverted and he could clearly see his internal organs trailing merrily behind him. Then he landed with a soft plop into a mound of goo not unlike that of the Manga Shoggoth he was looking for.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well,” said the man in black who was standing on top of the custard-skin surface of the protoplasm. “This is a pleasant surprise.”
> >
> >     It wasn’t that happy a moment for Visionary. “Nyalurkhotep,” he recognised.
> >
> >     The prime servitor of the Fairly Great Old Ones nodded and looked down at the little human whose soul he had once tried to devour. “That’s right,” agreed the man in black. “I’d come along to consume the Shoggoth, of course, but you’ll make a very welcome dessert.”
> >
> >     
> >
***

> >
> >     Chiaki walked with a balanced poise that gave no indication that only a few days earlier she’d taken a poisoned blade through her chest cavity. She arrived early, decided on the best watchpoint, and moved to the position.
> >
> >     She found Champagne keeping watch from it.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh, hi,” the international jewel thief greeted the Psychic Samurai. “I guess we had the same instincts.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I like to check out potential clients before I meet them if I can,” Chiaki Bushido noted. “That’s why I’m early. I don’t know you.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you know I’m the kind of girl who arrives early too,” Champagne pointed out. “Shall we discuss business now or would you prefer to wait until the time we agreed?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Now’s fine,” the Samurai agreed. “I’m curious why we had to meet outside St Jude’s Orphanage in Hell’s Bathroom.”
> >
> >     Champagne looked down at the battered brownstone house. “Did you know that St Jude was the patron saint of lost causes?” she asked.
> >
> >     Chiaki cut to the chase. “What’s the job?” she asked.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’d like to put you on retainer,” Champagne replied. “Not exclusively, of course. You’re quite a liberty to do whatever else you need to do. But I’d like you to keep an eye on that orphanage as well.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“On the orphanage?”
> >
> >     The jewel thief nodded. “You see, until recently Trickshot kept an eye on the place, and that was enough to deter the local thugs from getting ambitious. And Police Commissioner Graham’s daughter was a teacher there. Both of them are gone now.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think somebody might try and do something nasty to the orphans?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s been tried before. This is a bad neighbourhood, and that’s one of the very few good things in it. The Lair Legion can’t always keep an eye out here – and you’re reputed to be very good at anticipating trouble.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You want me to bodyguard a whole orphanage. What’s your interest?”
> >
> >     Champagne smiled. “Rumour has it that St Jude’s used to receive large anonymous donations that kept it going, up to the point where the vigilante assassin Cobra disappeared. I hear that there’s going to be another substantial contribution turning up sometime soon, and I’d like to make sure it gets to the children and they get to keep it.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if you’re really the Psychic Samurai you know the rest already,” Champagne pointed out. “I travel a lot. You seem to be mostly based in Paradopolis these days. Will you take the retainer?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Who knows about this?” Chiaki asked.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Whoever you tell and nobody else,” Champagne replied. “And I’d like to be kept out of it altogether.”
> >
> >     Chiaki would have taken the commission even without the money. “I agree,” she said. “I’ll protect them.”
> >
> >     Champagne handed over a dossier. “Here’s my best threat assessment. Local crooks, gangs, political issues, old rivalries, lines of fire, enemies and allies, the usual thing. Good luck.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You sound like you’re expecting trouble,” frowned Chiaki. “Is there something I don’t know?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not for long, I’d imagine.”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why Jay,” purred Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo, “how delightful to see an old friend.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Old friends don’t throw their injured comrades into the transdimensional vortex to be captured and tortured by the Parody Master,” Hatman replied. He hadn’t come to the Safe to trade banter with the villainess who had secretly infiltrated the Lair Legion for the better part of a year as Citizen Z.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They do when they’re weaklings who don’t have what it takes to make the hard decisions,” Beth replied. “I acted for the good of the world. CrazySugarFreakBoy! made a much better leader.”
> >
> >     Dreamcatcher Foxglove made a rude sound. “You thought I was an easier mark, is all,” he accused. “You tried to kill Hatty then you shot me in the head.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You were an easier mark,” the Baroness told him. “I’m surprised you’re still alive after your encounter with your President yesterday. Or hasn’t Dominic caught up with you yet?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Mr Epitome tried to throw me through a wall,” CSFB! beamed. “Of course, I bounce.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you’ve settled once and for all the question of whether you’re fit to lead the Lair Legion,” Beth smirked. “It’s a good job Jay decided to leave his imaginary love nest with sweet little Zdenka and come back to take charge of your sadly reduced band of super-boy-scouts.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’re not here to trade gossip, Baroness,” Hatman scowled. “We have questions.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But my counsel isn’t present,” the villainess noted. “Isn’t this an infringement of my human rights?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t conquering the planet an infringement of human rights?” CSFB! demanded hotly.
> >
> >     The Baroness shook her head. “Not when it was a necessary part of saving the world from the aggression of the Parody Master,” she replied. “Conventional defences had failed. The Legion and dear Sir Mumphrey had failed. I had to step up to the plate and do what was required. But I’m sure you’ll hear lots more about that when I have my day in court.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You don’t seriously think anybody will buy that?” Hatman asked.
> >
> >     The Baroness leaned back in her chair and smirked again.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We have questions,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! repeated. “What did you do with Laurie?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie who?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie Leyton, who you impersonated right down to a psychic level,” Hatman growled. “We know you did something nasty to her in your cellars. Where is she now?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you must have me mixed up with somebody who answers naive stupid questions from effete superheroes,” the Baroness replied.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s your grandfather, Baron Otto?” CSFB! shot at her. “What’s he doing now?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“My dear grandfather died many years ago. I can show you his death certificate.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s Captain Kaan gone?” Hatman demanded. “Where did he take that dimensional dreadnaught that defected?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Kaan has gone? And taken an entire planet-destorying warship with him?” Beth shook her head sadly. “How disturbing.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“He’s not got the Parody Master backing his ship any more,” Hatman acknowledged, “but he could still be trouble.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes indeed,” the Baroness agreed. “You must be quite worried.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What about Silicone Sally?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! challenged. “Any idea where she’ll have slunk off to after she dripped off your fat ass when the PM zapped you?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I really don’t think that some who is married to Alice April Apple should go around insulting other people’s vital statistics,” Elizabeth von Zemo replied. “Tell me, when you and she take that pensioner from Faerie to bed with you do you call her ‘mommy’?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Give it up, Baroness,” Hatman advised. “You might think you’re playing the clever adversary with an ace in the hole. We know you’re actually being the defeated inadequate world conqueror who got taken down despite her treacheries and brutalities and is going to spend the rest of her natural life in prisons like this. Your dumb impostor games placed the whole world in danger and nobody’s going to forget that. You’re just about the most hated person on the planet now and it’s a pleasure to see you punished for your crimes.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or to put it another way, you got your wide ass whupped by a bunch of kids and Sir Mumphrey Wilton,” CSFB! snickered. “You’re not going to Disneyland.”
> >
> >     The Baroness scowled slightly, but whatever retort she was about to make never passed her lips as the lights went out all over the Safe. The emergency back-ups painted the prison with a livid red light until they also faded out. The alarm klaxons fell silent with a dying wail.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Trouble,” Hatman frowned, reaching for his comm-card.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You should have left the jailbreak attempt until we weren’t here, Bethie,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! warned the Baroness.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is nothing to do with me, moron,” she snapped back. “I was near the top off the Parody Master’s kill list. You think I’d want to release a couple of thousand Avawarriors into a high-security confined area with me?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“There’s no radio signal behind these shielded walls,” Hatman discovered. He pulled on his Steelers hat. “We’re on our own.”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That seemed to go very well, Mister Skinner,” noted Mr Flay. The two men in their conservative business suits were stood in the grounds of the abandoned Flanagan Carnival that had once shared Flanagan Island with the metahuman penitentiary.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Very well indeed, Mr Flay. I imagine that Warden Westwood and the others will be somewhat perturbed at the moment.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Somewhat perturbed indeed, Mr Skinner. I believe we can move on to our next task.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s encouraging, Mr Flay. I haven’t broken anyone’s bones since that iced-cream salesgirl this morning.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She won’t forget your sprinkles again, Mr Skinner.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s true, Mr Flay. On account of me twisting her head off.”
> >
> >     The unusual pair vanished before the security clampdown became total.
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Whitney Darkness, Ebony of Nubilia, and Liu Xi Xian moved their way carefully through the vast shell of the burned out manufacturing plant that loomed over Black’s Crossing. The only light filtered down in dusty shafts through rents in the corrugated iron roof. Occasional pigeons disturbed the dust on the beams above, scattering ash down to join their guano on the detritus of the floor.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something’s wrong,” warned Sorceress.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This whole place is wrong,” Ebony pointed out. “The atmosphere is…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She means something’s specifically wrong now,” Liu Xi clarified. “The dimensions are shifting somehow. It feels like things are closing in around us. Like a trap.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t that likely to be why Xander sent us here?” Ebony checked. “He knew there was some evil that needed to be dealt with, something that he would normally handle.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or manipulate someone else to handle.” Sorceress had no illusions about her absent father, the master of the mystic crafts. “But he’s not the Hooded Hood. Xander doesn’t play games for the sheer pleasure of it.” She frowned and reached for the letter in her pocket. “Why didn’t he give us more information?”
> >
> >     Liu Xi looked around sharply as a movement in the shadows caught her eye. It was only a rat. “This feels strange,” she admitted. “Like we walked into a movie.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“A horror movie, where the girls get slaughtered one by one,” Ebony agreed. “Let’s not split up and search separately. And maybe we should consider sending out for back-up.”
> >
> >     Whitney agreed and thumbed her comm-card. “Hallie? It’s Whit, in Black’s Crossing of all place. We could use some help. Who’s available?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sorry Whitney,” the voice of the Legion’s A.I. replied. “You’ve not been around much for us lately. Why should we bail you out? You think we’ve forgotten how you sold us out to the Hooded Hood and let him shape a world where half the team were dead just so you and Jay could be all right?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” gasped Liu Xi as Sorceress turned pale. “That can’t be… No way would she say that.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Check your letters,” Ebony warned, staring at the missive she held in her own trembling hand. The document now read entirely differently:
> >
> >     Ebony, I’m writing this not because I think you’ll care but just to let you know how badly I miss my father, who you murdered along with so many others that you’ve fed to that elder monster you worship. Sure, dad was stupid and got caught up with some weird psycho cult that was doing weird things, but I know he’d have pulled round and become himself again if only you hadn’t brought that thing to slaughter him…
> >
> >     Liu Xi quickly glanced down at her own letter; …could have had my love, could have turned me around, taught me what it means to be human, to be a hero. But now I know what I am – a monster, a Doomherald, so from now on no restraint, no attempts at humanity, just death, murder and death, and every one of them will be dedicated to you, my faithless flower, every single time I kill will be in your name and it will be because of you…
> >
> >     The young elementalist swallowed hard. “We have to get out of here!” she cried, grabbing Sorceress and Ebony and manipulating the fifth Chinese element void to transport them far from that terrible place.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hold on…!” warned Whitney, but by then Liu Xi could already feel the void tearing under her, dropping them out of reality to somewhere else.
> >
> >     Sorceress just had time to glimpse her own letter as they fell into hell. It simply said: Got you.
> >
> >
***

> >
> >
> > Continued...
> >
> >
***

> >
> > Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.

>






HH


 Subject: Couldn't someone just be preparing a surprise anniversary party? [Re: Anime Jason]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 12:14:20 pm EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows 2000

> It's starting to look to me like this is all a set of carefully laid traps to eliminate the entire Lair Legion.  Unfortunately I can't guess who because the list of people who want the LL and its associates gone is way too long.

There are certainly a range of candidates.

> Of the LL and its associates, though, it looks like Chiaki and Visionary are in the least danger.  It would be strange indeed it the two weakest (and most injured, in one case) Lair Legion associates have to launch a rescue.

As Vizh protests in his reply, he's in a fair amount of danger. Nyarlurkhotep is in the Dark Thugos power bracket and he really doesn't like Visionary.

> From the Baroness' arrogance over the matter, I'm thinking she might be involved somehow even though she isn't directly responsible.  Like maybe she was contacted, knew it was coming, and made a deal.

Unfortunately for her, the Baroness was once on the LL roster too.

> And in light of a possible LL elimination, I'm thinking Whitney, Liu Xi, and Ebony have been given this errand by someone just to keep them out of the way (or were told by someone to).  They aren't really LL members, and while there are people who have it in for them, there isn't much overlap with the list of people who want the LL gone.

Whitney was a member of the Legion for years, from around UT#40-160 or so. If somebody wanted to finally eliminate all Legionnaires she'd definitely be on the list.





HH


 Subject: Did you sign your contract for next season yet? [Re: Visionary  ]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 12:16:04 pm EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows 2000

> I'm sorry... who else is currently at the mercy of the big bad of *two* epic story-lines, the first of which ended with my heart exploding and the second with my soul being rewritten to bring about his rebirth? A villain who can kill a shoggoth, no less, and really hates me as well?

He seemed pleased to see you though.

> You're getting picked last for threat assessment detail. \:\-P

Heh.




HH


 Subject: Excellent. [Re: killer shrike]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 12:16:22 pm EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows 2000

> >
#322: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Ever After - Part Two
> >
> > Go to Part 1
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer.”
> >
> >     Sarah Shepherdson turned over in bed and saw Harry smiling down at her.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Er, what?” she answered, trying to cover he panic at being identified as a member of the Lair Legion.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer,” Harry repeated, still smiling. “You look just like her.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Um yes,” Shep agreed, pulling the bedclothes up around herself. “I’ve heard that before. But that doesn’t mean…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’ve even got her accent.”
> >
> >     Previously, Dancer’s probability powers had prevented anyone from making the logical connection between two athletic bubbly brunettes from County Mudd, Ireland who were never seen in the same place together. Had Dancer’s influence faded so much that she wasn’t covered now – except by a rumpled duvet?
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s not what you think, Harry,” Sarah said desperately.
> >
> >     Harry leaned back, still grinning. “And what am I thinking.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re thinking that I’m…” She frowned and looked at him again. “What are you thinking?”
> >
> >     Harry leaned forward. “I’m thinking that a girl who looks quite a bit like the Probability Dancer could do very well for herself. Have you ever thought about going on stage?”
> >
> >     Shep blinked. “On stage? I’m… So you don’t think…?”
> >
> >     Harry played with a lock of her long loose hair. “Hear me out, Sarah. I’m working as part of the crew for a new theatrical tour production: Lair Legion, the Musical. It’s all about the heroes of the Parody War. We’re casting now.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you’ve got this a bit confused, Harry. You’re supposed to tell me you can get me in the movies before you try to take me to bed.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Didn’t need to, did I?” Harry chuckled. “And don’t feel bad about that. I’m honoured to be the one that helped you get over your misery, at least for now. I’m totally okay being used only for sex for as long as you need me to. But I’ve got a job to do as well, and finding people to play the Legion on a major European tour is high on my list.” He looked thoughtful. “I don’t suppose you have an Australian friend who’s into bodybuilding, do you?”
> >
> >     Dancer caught her breath. “So let’s get this straight. You turn out to be a casting director for a Lair Legion musical…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Assistant to the assistant casting director,” Harry warned. “I can’t guarantee you anything.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you think I could play Dancer in a world tour?”
> >
> >     Harry shrugged. “I think you should at least audition,” he persuaded her. “Do you think you could act like Dancer?”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Liu Xi Xian got off the bus and looked around the gloomy industrial wasteland of Black’s Crossing. There was a chill in the air, as if it was going to snow, but she didn’t sense any weather patterns to account for it. The dull dirty buildings were mostly dark and many had broken windows.
> >
> >     The only occupants of the town square moved away from the burned out frontage of a video shop and came to meet her. “So, you got one too,” said Ebony of Nubilia.
> >
> >     Liu Xi knew what the the high priestess of the Manga Shoggoth was talking about, of course. The letter had arrived by overseas surface mail this morning, and she’d come immediately. “I didn’t understand it though,” she admitted. “Why would Xander want us to come here?”
> >
> >     The third woman present, Whitney Darkness, looked around her as a gust of wind whipped up the street trash. Liu Xi hadn’t seen quite that expression on Sorceress’ face before. The Chinese elementalist realised that Whitney Darkness was actually nervous. “I’ve been here before,” Sorceress admitted.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This place looks like a ghost town,” Liu Xi noted.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is,” Whitney answered. “Literally. I came here with the Legion years ago. Back then it was a horrible industrial place where people on the poverty line were trapped slaving their lives away in soul-destroying banal misery. The boss who owned the town was a very special kind of vampire, sucking the life from the whole population. It… wasn’t a pleasant visit.”
> >
> >     Liu Xi looked around her. There was something wrong about Black’s Crossing, something that set her teeth on edge. “You got him, though. The vampire?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“In the end,” shuddered Sorceress. “We cleaned this place. People were able to leave at last. The Bautista foundation helped them set up somewhere else. Not many folks chose to stay on.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then why did Xander write to me – to us – and ask us to come here today?” Liu Xi wondered.”
> >
> >     Ebony looked up at the grey sky that still seemed stained by the smog from the former factory. “You can sense it. This is still a thin place, where the usual barriers between the mortal and mundane and… the rest… aren’t quite strong enough. The Legion cleaned out the evil that had crept in here, but that just left a nice empty space for something else.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” Liu Xi sensed.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” agreed Whitney. “My father’s gone now. Hs letter made it clear that he and Cleone couldn’t stay around now because something is coming that he couldn’t stop. Something whose first move would be to destroy the sorcerer supreme.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So he needs us to mind the store for him,” Liu Xi agreed. “You know about high magics and things, Ebony’s an expert of dark cults and rituals, and I can sense elemental disturbances. Between us we can sub for a master of the mystic crafts.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not too happy about being part of another Xander manipulation,” Ebony admitted. “He tends to get very close to the line, sometimes.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But he knows his evil,” Whitney sighed. “You know, I hoped I’d never have to come back here.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Was it bad?” asked Liu Xi, catching a little of Sorceress’ nervousness.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The spirit possessing Hatman very nearly peeled the skin off my face,” she remembered with another shudder, “and that was the nicest part.”
> >
> >     Ebony was dangling a pebble on a piece of string and watching which way it swung. “I think we need to take a look around that derelict factory,” she admitted. “Just in case.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just in case we want to die?” Liu Xi asked.
> >
> >     The three women exchanged glances and moved towards the dark looming silhouette of the old Black Processing Plant.
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hello, Wally,” Hallie greeted the Lair Legion’s postman. “Anything interesting today?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Some kind of letters from England,” the old carrier noted. “Handwriting of Xander the Improbable, looks like. Addressed to Misses Darkness and Xian and to Lady Ebony. Sealed with wax and all.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s a while since we’ve had a letter from Xander,” Hallie commented. “I wonder what he wants? Put them on the side-table, Wally. Whit, Liu Xi, and Ebony aren’t here just now. I’ll let them know about the letters when they get back.”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     The Doom Tube opened and the master of Apocalyspe strode out, his hands clasped behind his back, his grey granite face promising death and destruction wherever he went. Dark Thugos had recently returned to claim rulership of his tormented homeworld. A little way behind him came his prime servitor Granny Grimness.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I didn’t need this my first day back on the job,” muttered Amber St Clare.
> >
> >     Mr Epitome moved forward to meet Thugos. “Ready?” he asked. He had no words of greeting for the former Destroyer of Tales, the former tyrant of a Sol Empire in another timeline. Glory and Yuki were also present in the Lair Mansion cell block for the meeting.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Bring the prisoners forward,” commanded Dark Thugos.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not so fast, Stoney,” Yuki interjecting, springing forward to block the archvillain’s path. “Before we hand over Splendiferous Stewart and General Steppenstoat and Kwatrain and the other Apocalyspian nasties who caused so much trouble here in the run-up to the Parody War we want to hear some assurances from you about what happens to them next.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You dare to question the will of Dark Thugos?” demanded Granny Grimness dangerously. Her large armoured bulk belied her thin ancient voice.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yep,” the cyborg P.I. agreed. “We do. Questioning the will of mad tyrants is pretty much our job description.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if I simply choose to remove my erring retainers from your inadequate containment facilities?” asked Dark Thugos.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then there will be unpleasantness,” Mr Epitome warned, staring him in the eye.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think you could stand against Dark Thugos and Granny Grimness?” scorned Granny, her face darkening with rage.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think your boss knows now isn’t the time to start a war with the Lair Legion,” Epitome replied. “Your world’s in ruins, your armies shattered, your weapons depleted. There are lots of nervous galactic powers and cosmic beings out there feeling a bit sensitive just now about warmongering demigods. I think Dark Thugos is smart enough to work out when diplomacy is better than threats, even if you aren’t.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if he isn’t,” Yuki added, “we’re the Legion. We’ll find a way to kick his butt.”
> >
> >     Mr Epitome glanced at her. “Just because Trickshot’s not here doesn’t mean you have to fill the arrogant bigmouth role,” he scowled.
> >
> >     Yuki shrugged. “I’m over my being impressed by big looming bullies phase.” It wasn’t clear to whom that remark was addressed.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The exchange,” Glory whined, prompting them back to business.
> >
> >     Amber reluctantly moved forward. “In our preliminary negotiations, we agreed that the prisoners we return will be held on Apocalyspe and never come back to this world,” she noted. “They will be punished in non-lethal manner in accordance with your local criminal justice systems…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh yes,” chuckled Granny gleefully. “They’ve been naughty boys and their Granny is very cross with them.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will be held accountable for their actions regarding Special Resolution 1066 and the Parody War, but also for their previous crimes in kidnapping humans to Apocalyspe for their inhuman war games.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will pay for their failures,” Thugos promised. “I have spoken.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You agree to the terms?” Mr Epitome liked things clear.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I agree.”
> >
> >     Yuki nodded. “I’ll bring the prisoners out, then,” she acknowledged, turning to the holding cells.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That will not be necessary,” intoned the tyrant. His eyes flared and livid red beams darted from them. They curved around Epitome and Yuki and passed through the holding cell walls to engulf the prisoners in lurid crimson fire. Kwatrain, Steppenstoat, and Stuart had just enough time to scream before they were consumed. “They have been returned to Apocalyspe to await my mercy,” declared Dark Thugos.
> >
> >     Amber suppressed a shudder. “Well… that’s very nice, then,” she said.
> >
> >     Thugos turned to look at Epitome before he left. “You survived on Apocalyspe,” he noted. “You and your woman.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes,” agreed the paragon of power. “That’s a nasty vicious planet you have there.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You are amongst the strong,” Thugos approved.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am amongst the free,” Epitome replied. “Every tyrant should fear us.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, this day’s going well,” Amber said in a high brittle voice. “Canapés, anyone?”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Lee Bookman, former Librarian of Sector 7272, you stand accused…” intoned the Governor who was to act as prosecutor in the hearing upon the actions of the Librarian Legionnaire during the Parody War.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh do be quiet,” interrupted Lee. He hopped over the barrier rail and dropped onto the floor of the Inquisition Chamber. “Automatic systems over-ride Delbrulian Comsalach Truvane Achidromos. Transfer all Central Repository systems to my voice command.”
> >
> >     There was a surprised hiccup from the Repository A.I.s as over-ride codes that had been forgotten for millennia cut in. The ancient commands had priorities higher than any that could be placed into the system these days, commands placed there by the Founding Librarians themselves.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” demanded the Governor.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I downloaded the entire Grand Archive through my head,” Lee pointed out. “You think I didn’t index IOL over-ride codes?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So now we’re going to stop this hypocritical charade and sort a few things out,” the Librarian demanded. “Anyone who thinks differently is welcome to deal with the A.L.F.s and data entities who now work for me.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is against all Library procedure!” shouted Supervisor Garth. “This is…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is long overdue,” interrupted Selinda Saxmendrim. “Go, Lee!”
> >
> >     Leonard H. Bookman stood in the centre of the speaking circle and addressed his accusers – and every librarian in the Intergalactic Order. “First to the charges. I resigned as a Librarian when this organisation surrendered its mission and its facilities to the interplanetary tyrant the Parody Master. You didn’t keep the sacred data safe, and you were willing to give it to a enemy of creation to save your skins. You violated the sacred vows we make about the sanctity of the material we hold.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But the archive would have been destroyed otherwise,” protested Auditor Blay-Kee. “Billions of years of documents lost forever.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“If that’s the price we have to pay for upholding our oath to keep the data from those who shouldn’t have it then that’s what we should have done,” Lee answered gravely. “Fortunately the Grand Librarian has a different idea. He arranged for me to be brought here, and for the entire archive to be downloaded through me, emptying the data banks in the Central Repository so they’d be useless to the Parody Master.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We were all nearly executed for that!” Garth accused.
> >
> >     Lee didn’t care. “Meanwhile, the Board of my local library branch, the Lunar Public Library, used a seldom-invoked clause of our charter to declare independence from the IOL. Nobody’s done that for a very long time, but as I’ve just demonstrated with those over-ride codes, just because it hasn’t been done in a while doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. Professor Blargelslarch and my trustees separated my library from the IOL, so I was able to donate the great archive to the systems there.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“No mere branch library could hold the grand archive,” a Governor scorned.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And no mere Librarian could be a conduit for so much data without going mad,” Lee added. “We improvised. The data is secure.”
> >
> >     There was a collective buzz of relief amongst the librarians. Some began to sob.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But before I let you have the archive back,” Lee Bookman announced to the IOL, “if I let you have the archive back, we’re going to get over this hypocritical nonsense of pretending that the Governors didn’t betray our high calling. We’re going to remind ourselves of the purpose of libraries in inform, educate, and enlighten the public. And we’re going to get past all this rubbish about Auditor fleets and Inquisitors and executions.” He suddenly grinned a manic smile. “We’re going to make some changes.”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Visionary’s editorial comment as he dropped through myriad strange dimensions suspended by a thin monofilament thread and a life-preserving atmospheric sheath harness: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!”
> >
> >     He briefly glimpsed – and dismissed – dozens, maybe hundreds, of bizarre new worlds. The worst were the ones where the inhabitants seemed to recognise him and wave back. He dropped into regions where smell registered as sight and sight as sound. He passed momentarily through a zone where his body was inverted and he could clearly see his internal organs trailing merrily behind him. Then he landed with a soft plop into a mound of goo not unlike that of the Manga Shoggoth he was looking for.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well,” said the man in black who was standing on top of the custard-skin surface of the protoplasm. “This is a pleasant surprise.”
> >
> >     It wasn’t that happy a moment for Visionary. “Nyalurkhotep,” he recognised.
> >
> >     The prime servitor of the Fairly Great Old Ones nodded and looked down at the little human whose soul he had once tried to devour. “That’s right,” agreed the man in black. “I’d come along to consume the Shoggoth, of course, but you’ll make a very welcome dessert.”
> >
> >     
> >
***

> >
> >     Chiaki walked with a balanced poise that gave no indication that only a few days earlier she’d taken a poisoned blade through her chest cavity. She arrived early, decided on the best watchpoint, and moved to the position.
> >
> >     She found Champagne keeping watch from it.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh, hi,” the international jewel thief greeted the Psychic Samurai. “I guess we had the same instincts.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I like to check out potential clients before I meet them if I can,” Chiaki Bushido noted. “That’s why I’m early. I don’t know you.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you know I’m the kind of girl who arrives early too,” Champagne pointed out. “Shall we discuss business now or would you prefer to wait until the time we agreed?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Now’s fine,” the Samurai agreed. “I’m curious why we had to meet outside St Jude’s Orphanage in Hell’s Bathroom.”
> >
> >     Champagne looked down at the battered brownstone house. “Did you know that St Jude was the patron saint of lost causes?” she asked.
> >
> >     Chiaki cut to the chase. “What’s the job?” she asked.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’d like to put you on retainer,” Champagne replied. “Not exclusively, of course. You’re quite a liberty to do whatever else you need to do. But I’d like you to keep an eye on that orphanage as well.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“On the orphanage?”
> >
> >     The jewel thief nodded. “You see, until recently Trickshot kept an eye on the place, and that was enough to deter the local thugs from getting ambitious. And Police Commissioner Graham’s daughter was a teacher there. Both of them are gone now.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think somebody might try and do something nasty to the orphans?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s been tried before. This is a bad neighbourhood, and that’s one of the very few good things in it. The Lair Legion can’t always keep an eye out here – and you’re reputed to be very good at anticipating trouble.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You want me to bodyguard a whole orphanage. What’s your interest?”
> >
> >     Champagne smiled. “Rumour has it that St Jude’s used to receive large anonymous donations that kept it going, up to the point where the vigilante assassin Cobra disappeared. I hear that there’s going to be another substantial contribution turning up sometime soon, and I’d like to make sure it gets to the children and they get to keep it.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if you’re really the Psychic Samurai you know the rest already,” Champagne pointed out. “I travel a lot. You seem to be mostly based in Paradopolis these days. Will you take the retainer?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Who knows about this?” Chiaki asked.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Whoever you tell and nobody else,” Champagne replied. “And I’d like to be kept out of it altogether.”
> >
> >     Chiaki would have taken the commission even without the money. “I agree,” she said. “I’ll protect them.”
> >
> >     Champagne handed over a dossier. “Here’s my best threat assessment. Local crooks, gangs, political issues, old rivalries, lines of fire, enemies and allies, the usual thing. Good luck.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You sound like you’re expecting trouble,” frowned Chiaki. “Is there something I don’t know?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not for long, I’d imagine.”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why Jay,” purred Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo, “how delightful to see an old friend.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Old friends don’t throw their injured comrades into the transdimensional vortex to be captured and tortured by the Parody Master,” Hatman replied. He hadn’t come to the Safe to trade banter with the villainess who had secretly infiltrated the Lair Legion for the better part of a year as Citizen Z.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They do when they’re weaklings who don’t have what it takes to make the hard decisions,” Beth replied. “I acted for the good of the world. CrazySugarFreakBoy! made a much better leader.”
> >
> >     Dreamcatcher Foxglove made a rude sound. “You thought I was an easier mark, is all,” he accused. “You tried to kill Hatty then you shot me in the head.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You were an easier mark,” the Baroness told him. “I’m surprised you’re still alive after your encounter with your President yesterday. Or hasn’t Dominic caught up with you yet?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Mr Epitome tried to throw me through a wall,” CSFB! beamed. “Of course, I bounce.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you’ve settled once and for all the question of whether you’re fit to lead the Lair Legion,” Beth smirked. “It’s a good job Jay decided to leave his imaginary love nest with sweet little Zdenka and come back to take charge of your sadly reduced band of super-boy-scouts.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’re not here to trade gossip, Baroness,” Hatman scowled. “We have questions.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But my counsel isn’t present,” the villainess noted. “Isn’t this an infringement of my human rights?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t conquering the planet an infringement of human rights?” CSFB! demanded hotly.
> >
> >     The Baroness shook her head. “Not when it was a necessary part of saving the world from the aggression of the Parody Master,” she replied. “Conventional defences had failed. The Legion and dear Sir Mumphrey had failed. I had to step up to the plate and do what was required. But I’m sure you’ll hear lots more about that when I have my day in court.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You don’t seriously think anybody will buy that?” Hatman asked.
> >
> >     The Baroness leaned back in her chair and smirked again.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We have questions,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! repeated. “What did you do with Laurie?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie who?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie Leyton, who you impersonated right down to a psychic level,” Hatman growled. “We know you did something nasty to her in your cellars. Where is she now?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you must have me mixed up with somebody who answers naive stupid questions from effete superheroes,” the Baroness replied.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s your grandfather, Baron Otto?” CSFB! shot at her. “What’s he doing now?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“My dear grandfather died many years ago. I can show you his death certificate.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s Captain Kaan gone?” Hatman demanded. “Where did he take that dimensional dreadnaught that defected?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Kaan has gone? And taken an entire planet-destorying warship with him?” Beth shook her head sadly. “How disturbing.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“He’s not got the Parody Master backing his ship any more,” Hatman acknowledged, “but he could still be trouble.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes indeed,” the Baroness agreed. “You must be quite worried.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What about Silicone Sally?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! challenged. “Any idea where she’ll have slunk off to after she dripped off your fat ass when the PM zapped you?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I really don’t think that some who is married to Alice April Apple should go around insulting other people’s vital statistics,” Elizabeth von Zemo replied. “Tell me, when you and she take that pensioner from Faerie to bed with you do you call her ‘mommy’?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Give it up, Baroness,” Hatman advised. “You might think you’re playing the clever adversary with an ace in the hole. We know you’re actually being the defeated inadequate world conqueror who got taken down despite her treacheries and brutalities and is going to spend the rest of her natural life in prisons like this. Your dumb impostor games placed the whole world in danger and nobody’s going to forget that. You’re just about the most hated person on the planet now and it’s a pleasure to see you punished for your crimes.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or to put it another way, you got your wide ass whupped by a bunch of kids and Sir Mumphrey Wilton,” CSFB! snickered. “You’re not going to Disneyland.”
> >
> >     The Baroness scowled slightly, but whatever retort she was about to make never passed her lips as the lights went out all over the Safe. The emergency back-ups painted the prison with a livid red light until they also faded out. The alarm klaxons fell silent with a dying wail.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Trouble,” Hatman frowned, reaching for his comm-card.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You should have left the jailbreak attempt until we weren’t here, Bethie,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! warned the Baroness.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is nothing to do with me, moron,” she snapped back. “I was near the top off the Parody Master’s kill list. You think I’d want to release a couple of thousand Avawarriors into a high-security confined area with me?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“There’s no radio signal behind these shielded walls,” Hatman discovered. He pulled on his Steelers hat. “We’re on our own.”
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That seemed to go very well, Mister Skinner,” noted Mr Flay. The two men in their conservative business suits were stood in the grounds of the abandoned Flanagan Carnival that had once shared Flanagan Island with the metahuman penitentiary.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Very well indeed, Mr Flay. I imagine that Warden Westwood and the others will be somewhat perturbed at the moment.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Somewhat perturbed indeed, Mr Skinner. I believe we can move on to our next task.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s encouraging, Mr Flay. I haven’t broken anyone’s bones since that iced-cream salesgirl this morning.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She won’t forget your sprinkles again, Mr Skinner.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s true, Mr Flay. On account of me twisting her head off.”
> >
> >     The unusual pair vanished before the security clampdown became total.
> >
> >
***

> >
> >     Whitney Darkness, Ebony of Nubilia, and Liu Xi Xian moved their way carefully through the vast shell of the burned out manufacturing plant that loomed over Black’s Crossing. The only light filtered down in dusty shafts through rents in the corrugated iron roof. Occasional pigeons disturbed the dust on the beams above, scattering ash down to join their guano on the detritus of the floor.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something’s wrong,” warned Sorceress.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This whole place is wrong,” Ebony pointed out. “The atmosphere is…”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She means something’s specifically wrong now,” Liu Xi clarified. “The dimensions are shifting somehow. It feels like things are closing in around us. Like a trap.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t that likely to be why Xander sent us here?” Ebony checked. “He knew there was some evil that needed to be dealt with, something that he would normally handle.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or manipulate someone else to handle.” Sorceress had no illusions about her absent father, the master of the mystic crafts. “But he’s not the Hooded Hood. Xander doesn’t play games for the sheer pleasure of it.” She frowned and reached for the letter in her pocket. “Why didn’t he give us more information?”
> >
> >     Liu Xi looked around sharply as a movement in the shadows caught her eye. It was only a rat. “This feels strange,” she admitted. “Like we walked into a movie.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“A horror movie, where the girls get slaughtered one by one,” Ebony agreed. “Let’s not split up and search separately. And maybe we should consider sending out for back-up.”
> >
> >     Whitney agreed and thumbed her comm-card. “Hallie? It’s Whit, in Black’s Crossing of all place. We could use some help. Who’s available?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sorry Whitney,” the voice of the Legion’s A.I. replied. “You’ve not been around much for us lately. Why should we bail you out? You think we’ve forgotten how you sold us out to the Hooded Hood and let him shape a world where half the team were dead just so you and Jay could be all right?”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” gasped Liu Xi as Sorceress turned pale. “That can’t be… No way would she say that.”
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Check your letters,” Ebony warned, staring at the missive she held in her own trembling hand. The document now read entirely differently:
> >
> >     Ebony, I’m writing this not because I think you’ll care but just to let you know how badly I miss my father, who you murdered along with so many others that you’ve fed to that elder monster you worship. Sure, dad was stupid and got caught up with some weird psycho cult that was doing weird things, but I know he’d have pulled round and become himself again if only you hadn’t brought that thing to slaughter him…
> >
> >     Liu Xi quickly glanced down at her own letter; …could have had my love, could have turned me around, taught me what it means to be human, to be a hero. But now I know what I am – a monster, a Doomherald, so from now on no restraint, no attempts at humanity, just death, murder and death, and every one of them will be dedicated to you, my faithless flower, every single time I kill will be in your name and it will be because of you…
> >
> >     The young elementalist swallowed hard. “We have to get out of here!” she cried, grabbing Sorceress and Ebony and manipulating the fifth Chinese element void to transport them far from that terrible place.
> >
> >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hold on…!” warned Whitney, but by then Liu Xi could already feel the void tearing under her, dropping them out of reality to somewhere else.
> >
> >     Sorceress just had time to glimpse her own letter as they fell into hell. It simply said: Got you.
> >
> >
***

> >
> >
> > Continued...
> >
> >
***

> >
> > Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.






killer shrike


 Subject: Ah, just blow him up like you did the Parody Master [Re: Visionary  ]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 12:19:56 pm EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 7 on Windows Vista

> I'm sorry... who else is currently at the mercy of the big bad of *two* epic story-lines, the first of which ended with my heart exploding and the second with my soul being rewritten to bring about his rebirth? A villain who can kill a shoggoth, no less, and really hates me as well?
>
> You're getting picked last for threat assessment detail. \:\-P
>
>




HH


 Subject: We're going to find out. [Re: Visionary]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 12:23:29 pm EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows 2000




HH


 Subject: At least you could say you died facing a really serious menace. [Re: killer shrike]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 12:24:26 pm EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows 2000

> > I'm sorry... who else is currently at the mercy of the big bad of *two* epic story-lines, the first of which ended with my heart exploding and the second with my soul being rewritten to bring about his rebirth? A villain who can kill a shoggoth, no less, and really hates me as well?
> >
> > You're getting picked last for threat assessment detail. \:\-P
> >
> >





Scott


Location: Southwest US
Member Since: Sun Sep 02, 2007
Posts: 326
 Subject: Good advice. [Re: HH]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 12:52:09 pm EDT (Viewed 547 times)

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 7 on Windows XP


> >
> > >
#322: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Ever After - Part Two
> > >
> > > Go to Part 1
> > >
> > >
***

> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer.”
> > >
> > >     Sarah Shepherdson turned over in bed and saw Harry smiling down at her.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Er, what?” she answered, trying to cover he panic at being identified as a member of the Lair Legion.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer,” Harry repeated, still smiling. “You look just like her.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Um yes,” Shep agreed, pulling the bedclothes up around herself. “I’ve heard that before. But that doesn’t mean…”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’ve even got her accent.”
> > >
> > >     Previously, Dancer’s probability powers had prevented anyone from making the logical connection between two athletic bubbly brunettes from County Mudd, Ireland who were never seen in the same place together. Had Dancer’s influence faded so much that she wasn’t covered now – except by a rumpled duvet?
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s not what you think, Harry,” Sarah said desperately.
> > >
> > >     Harry leaned back, still grinning. “And what am I thinking.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re thinking that I’m…” She frowned and looked at him again. “What are you thinking?”
> > >
> > >     Harry leaned forward. “I’m thinking that a girl who looks quite a bit like the Probability Dancer could do very well for herself. Have you ever thought about going on stage?”
> > >
> > >     Shep blinked. “On stage? I’m… So you don’t think…?”
> > >
> > >     Harry played with a lock of her long loose hair. “Hear me out, Sarah. I’m working as part of the crew for a new theatrical tour production: Lair Legion, the Musical. It’s all about the heroes of the Parody War. We’re casting now.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you’ve got this a bit confused, Harry. You’re supposed to tell me you can get me in the movies before you try to take me to bed.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Didn’t need to, did I?” Harry chuckled. “And don’t feel bad about that. I’m honoured to be the one that helped you get over your misery, at least for now. I’m totally okay being used only for sex for as long as you need me to. But I’ve got a job to do as well, and finding people to play the Legion on a major European tour is high on my list.” He looked thoughtful. “I don’t suppose you have an Australian friend who’s into bodybuilding, do you?”
> > >
> > >     Dancer caught her breath. “So let’s get this straight. You turn out to be a casting director for a Lair Legion musical…”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Assistant to the assistant casting director,” Harry warned. “I can’t guarantee you anything.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you think I could play Dancer in a world tour?”
> > >
> > >     Harry shrugged. “I think you should at least audition,” he persuaded her. “Do you think you could act like Dancer?”
> > >
> > >
***

> > >
> > >     Liu Xi Xian got off the bus and looked around the gloomy industrial wasteland of Black’s Crossing. There was a chill in the air, as if it was going to snow, but she didn’t sense any weather patterns to account for it. The dull dirty buildings were mostly dark and many had broken windows.
> > >
> > >     The only occupants of the town square moved away from the burned out frontage of a video shop and came to meet her. “So, you got one too,” said Ebony of Nubilia.
> > >
> > >     Liu Xi knew what the the high priestess of the Manga Shoggoth was talking about, of course. The letter had arrived by overseas surface mail this morning, and she’d come immediately. “I didn’t understand it though,” she admitted. “Why would Xander want us to come here?”
> > >
> > >     The third woman present, Whitney Darkness, looked around her as a gust of wind whipped up the street trash. Liu Xi hadn’t seen quite that expression on Sorceress’ face before. The Chinese elementalist realised that Whitney Darkness was actually nervous. “I’ve been here before,” Sorceress admitted.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This place looks like a ghost town,” Liu Xi noted.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is,” Whitney answered. “Literally. I came here with the Legion years ago. Back then it was a horrible industrial place where people on the poverty line were trapped slaving their lives away in soul-destroying banal misery. The boss who owned the town was a very special kind of vampire, sucking the life from the whole population. It… wasn’t a pleasant visit.”
> > >
> > >     Liu Xi looked around her. There was something wrong about Black’s Crossing, something that set her teeth on edge. “You got him, though. The vampire?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“In the end,” shuddered Sorceress. “We cleaned this place. People were able to leave at last. The Bautista foundation helped them set up somewhere else. Not many folks chose to stay on.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then why did Xander write to me – to us – and ask us to come here today?” Liu Xi wondered.”
> > >
> > >     Ebony looked up at the grey sky that still seemed stained by the smog from the former factory. “You can sense it. This is still a thin place, where the usual barriers between the mortal and mundane and… the rest… aren’t quite strong enough. The Legion cleaned out the evil that had crept in here, but that just left a nice empty space for something else.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” Liu Xi sensed.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” agreed Whitney. “My father’s gone now. Hs letter made it clear that he and Cleone couldn’t stay around now because something is coming that he couldn’t stop. Something whose first move would be to destroy the sorcerer supreme.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So he needs us to mind the store for him,” Liu Xi agreed. “You know about high magics and things, Ebony’s an expert of dark cults and rituals, and I can sense elemental disturbances. Between us we can sub for a master of the mystic crafts.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not too happy about being part of another Xander manipulation,” Ebony admitted. “He tends to get very close to the line, sometimes.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But he knows his evil,” Whitney sighed. “You know, I hoped I’d never have to come back here.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Was it bad?” asked Liu Xi, catching a little of Sorceress’ nervousness.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The spirit possessing Hatman very nearly peeled the skin off my face,” she remembered with another shudder, “and that was the nicest part.”
> > >
> > >     Ebony was dangling a pebble on a piece of string and watching which way it swung. “I think we need to take a look around that derelict factory,” she admitted. “Just in case.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just in case we want to die?” Liu Xi asked.
> > >
> > >     The three women exchanged glances and moved towards the dark looming silhouette of the old Black Processing Plant.
> > >
> > >
***

> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hello, Wally,” Hallie greeted the Lair Legion’s postman. “Anything interesting today?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Some kind of letters from England,” the old carrier noted. “Handwriting of Xander the Improbable, looks like. Addressed to Misses Darkness and Xian and to Lady Ebony. Sealed with wax and all.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s a while since we’ve had a letter from Xander,” Hallie commented. “I wonder what he wants? Put them on the side-table, Wally. Whit, Liu Xi, and Ebony aren’t here just now. I’ll let them know about the letters when they get back.”
> > >
> > >
***

> > >
> > >     The Doom Tube opened and the master of Apocalyspe strode out, his hands clasped behind his back, his grey granite face promising death and destruction wherever he went. Dark Thugos had recently returned to claim rulership of his tormented homeworld. A little way behind him came his prime servitor Granny Grimness.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I didn’t need this my first day back on the job,” muttered Amber St Clare.
> > >
> > >     Mr Epitome moved forward to meet Thugos. “Ready?” he asked. He had no words of greeting for the former Destroyer of Tales, the former tyrant of a Sol Empire in another timeline. Glory and Yuki were also present in the Lair Mansion cell block for the meeting.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Bring the prisoners forward,” commanded Dark Thugos.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not so fast, Stoney,” Yuki interjecting, springing forward to block the archvillain’s path. “Before we hand over Splendiferous Stewart and General Steppenstoat and Kwatrain and the other Apocalyspian nasties who caused so much trouble here in the run-up to the Parody War we want to hear some assurances from you about what happens to them next.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You dare to question the will of Dark Thugos?” demanded Granny Grimness dangerously. Her large armoured bulk belied her thin ancient voice.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yep,” the cyborg P.I. agreed. “We do. Questioning the will of mad tyrants is pretty much our job description.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if I simply choose to remove my erring retainers from your inadequate containment facilities?” asked Dark Thugos.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then there will be unpleasantness,” Mr Epitome warned, staring him in the eye.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think you could stand against Dark Thugos and Granny Grimness?” scorned Granny, her face darkening with rage.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think your boss knows now isn’t the time to start a war with the Lair Legion,” Epitome replied. “Your world’s in ruins, your armies shattered, your weapons depleted. There are lots of nervous galactic powers and cosmic beings out there feeling a bit sensitive just now about warmongering demigods. I think Dark Thugos is smart enough to work out when diplomacy is better than threats, even if you aren’t.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if he isn’t,” Yuki added, “we’re the Legion. We’ll find a way to kick his butt.”
> > >
> > >     Mr Epitome glanced at her. “Just because Trickshot’s not here doesn’t mean you have to fill the arrogant bigmouth role,” he scowled.
> > >
> > >     Yuki shrugged. “I’m over my being impressed by big looming bullies phase.” It wasn’t clear to whom that remark was addressed.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The exchange,” Glory whined, prompting them back to business.
> > >
> > >     Amber reluctantly moved forward. “In our preliminary negotiations, we agreed that the prisoners we return will be held on Apocalyspe and never come back to this world,” she noted. “They will be punished in non-lethal manner in accordance with your local criminal justice systems…”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh yes,” chuckled Granny gleefully. “They’ve been naughty boys and their Granny is very cross with them.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will be held accountable for their actions regarding Special Resolution 1066 and the Parody War, but also for their previous crimes in kidnapping humans to Apocalyspe for their inhuman war games.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will pay for their failures,” Thugos promised. “I have spoken.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You agree to the terms?” Mr Epitome liked things clear.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I agree.”
> > >
> > >     Yuki nodded. “I’ll bring the prisoners out, then,” she acknowledged, turning to the holding cells.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That will not be necessary,” intoned the tyrant. His eyes flared and livid red beams darted from them. They curved around Epitome and Yuki and passed through the holding cell walls to engulf the prisoners in lurid crimson fire. Kwatrain, Steppenstoat, and Stuart had just enough time to scream before they were consumed. “They have been returned to Apocalyspe to await my mercy,” declared Dark Thugos.
> > >
> > >     Amber suppressed a shudder. “Well… that’s very nice, then,” she said.
> > >
> > >     Thugos turned to look at Epitome before he left. “You survived on Apocalyspe,” he noted. “You and your woman.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes,” agreed the paragon of power. “That’s a nasty vicious planet you have there.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You are amongst the strong,” Thugos approved.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am amongst the free,” Epitome replied. “Every tyrant should fear us.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, this day’s going well,” Amber said in a high brittle voice. “Canapés, anyone?”
> > >
> > >
***

> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Lee Bookman, former Librarian of Sector 7272, you stand accused…” intoned the Governor who was to act as prosecutor in the hearing upon the actions of the Librarian Legionnaire during the Parody War.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh do be quiet,” interrupted Lee. He hopped over the barrier rail and dropped onto the floor of the Inquisition Chamber. “Automatic systems over-ride Delbrulian Comsalach Truvane Achidromos. Transfer all Central Repository systems to my voice command.”
> > >
> > >     There was a surprised hiccup from the Repository A.I.s as over-ride codes that had been forgotten for millennia cut in. The ancient commands had priorities higher than any that could be placed into the system these days, commands placed there by the Founding Librarians themselves.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” demanded the Governor.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I downloaded the entire Grand Archive through my head,” Lee pointed out. “You think I didn’t index IOL over-ride codes?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But…”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So now we’re going to stop this hypocritical charade and sort a few things out,” the Librarian demanded. “Anyone who thinks differently is welcome to deal with the A.L.F.s and data entities who now work for me.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is against all Library procedure!” shouted Supervisor Garth. “This is…”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is long overdue,” interrupted Selinda Saxmendrim. “Go, Lee!”
> > >
> > >     Leonard H. Bookman stood in the centre of the speaking circle and addressed his accusers – and every librarian in the Intergalactic Order. “First to the charges. I resigned as a Librarian when this organisation surrendered its mission and its facilities to the interplanetary tyrant the Parody Master. You didn’t keep the sacred data safe, and you were willing to give it to a enemy of creation to save your skins. You violated the sacred vows we make about the sanctity of the material we hold.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But the archive would have been destroyed otherwise,” protested Auditor Blay-Kee. “Billions of years of documents lost forever.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“If that’s the price we have to pay for upholding our oath to keep the data from those who shouldn’t have it then that’s what we should have done,” Lee answered gravely. “Fortunately the Grand Librarian has a different idea. He arranged for me to be brought here, and for the entire archive to be downloaded through me, emptying the data banks in the Central Repository so they’d be useless to the Parody Master.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We were all nearly executed for that!” Garth accused.
> > >
> > >     Lee didn’t care. “Meanwhile, the Board of my local library branch, the Lunar Public Library, used a seldom-invoked clause of our charter to declare independence from the IOL. Nobody’s done that for a very long time, but as I’ve just demonstrated with those over-ride codes, just because it hasn’t been done in a while doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. Professor Blargelslarch and my trustees separated my library from the IOL, so I was able to donate the great archive to the systems there.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“No mere branch library could hold the grand archive,” a Governor scorned.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And no mere Librarian could be a conduit for so much data without going mad,” Lee added. “We improvised. The data is secure.”
> > >
> > >     There was a collective buzz of relief amongst the librarians. Some began to sob.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But before I let you have the archive back,” Lee Bookman announced to the IOL, “if I let you have the archive back, we’re going to get over this hypocritical nonsense of pretending that the Governors didn’t betray our high calling. We’re going to remind ourselves of the purpose of libraries in inform, educate, and enlighten the public. And we’re going to get past all this rubbish about Auditor fleets and Inquisitors and executions.” He suddenly grinned a manic smile. “We’re going to make some changes.”
> > >
> > >
***

> > >
> > >     Visionary’s editorial comment as he dropped through myriad strange dimensions suspended by a thin monofilament thread and a life-preserving atmospheric sheath harness: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!”
> > >
> > >     He briefly glimpsed – and dismissed – dozens, maybe hundreds, of bizarre new worlds. The worst were the ones where the inhabitants seemed to recognise him and wave back. He dropped into regions where smell registered as sight and sight as sound. He passed momentarily through a zone where his body was inverted and he could clearly see his internal organs trailing merrily behind him. Then he landed with a soft plop into a mound of goo not unlike that of the Manga Shoggoth he was looking for.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well,” said the man in black who was standing on top of the custard-skin surface of the protoplasm. “This is a pleasant surprise.”
> > >
> > >     It wasn’t that happy a moment for Visionary. “Nyalurkhotep,” he recognised.
> > >
> > >     The prime servitor of the Fairly Great Old Ones nodded and looked down at the little human whose soul he had once tried to devour. “That’s right,” agreed the man in black. “I’d come along to consume the Shoggoth, of course, but you’ll make a very welcome dessert.”
> > >
> > >     
> > >
***

> > >
> > >     Chiaki walked with a balanced poise that gave no indication that only a few days earlier she’d taken a poisoned blade through her chest cavity. She arrived early, decided on the best watchpoint, and moved to the position.
> > >
> > >     She found Champagne keeping watch from it.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh, hi,” the international jewel thief greeted the Psychic Samurai. “I guess we had the same instincts.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I like to check out potential clients before I meet them if I can,” Chiaki Bushido noted. “That’s why I’m early. I don’t know you.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you know I’m the kind of girl who arrives early too,” Champagne pointed out. “Shall we discuss business now or would you prefer to wait until the time we agreed?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Now’s fine,” the Samurai agreed. “I’m curious why we had to meet outside St Jude’s Orphanage in Hell’s Bathroom.”
> > >
> > >     Champagne looked down at the battered brownstone house. “Did you know that St Jude was the patron saint of lost causes?” she asked.
> > >
> > >     Chiaki cut to the chase. “What’s the job?” she asked.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’d like to put you on retainer,” Champagne replied. “Not exclusively, of course. You’re quite a liberty to do whatever else you need to do. But I’d like you to keep an eye on that orphanage as well.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“On the orphanage?”
> > >
> > >     The jewel thief nodded. “You see, until recently Trickshot kept an eye on the place, and that was enough to deter the local thugs from getting ambitious. And Police Commissioner Graham’s daughter was a teacher there. Both of them are gone now.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think somebody might try and do something nasty to the orphans?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s been tried before. This is a bad neighbourhood, and that’s one of the very few good things in it. The Lair Legion can’t always keep an eye out here – and you’re reputed to be very good at anticipating trouble.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You want me to bodyguard a whole orphanage. What’s your interest?”
> > >
> > >     Champagne smiled. “Rumour has it that St Jude’s used to receive large anonymous donations that kept it going, up to the point where the vigilante assassin Cobra disappeared. I hear that there’s going to be another substantial contribution turning up sometime soon, and I’d like to make sure it gets to the children and they get to keep it.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if you’re really the Psychic Samurai you know the rest already,” Champagne pointed out. “I travel a lot. You seem to be mostly based in Paradopolis these days. Will you take the retainer?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Who knows about this?” Chiaki asked.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Whoever you tell and nobody else,” Champagne replied. “And I’d like to be kept out of it altogether.”
> > >
> > >     Chiaki would have taken the commission even without the money. “I agree,” she said. “I’ll protect them.”
> > >
> > >     Champagne handed over a dossier. “Here’s my best threat assessment. Local crooks, gangs, political issues, old rivalries, lines of fire, enemies and allies, the usual thing. Good luck.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You sound like you’re expecting trouble,” frowned Chiaki. “Is there something I don’t know?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not for long, I’d imagine.”
> > >
> > >
***

> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why Jay,” purred Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo, “how delightful to see an old friend.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Old friends don’t throw their injured comrades into the transdimensional vortex to be captured and tortured by the Parody Master,” Hatman replied. He hadn’t come to the Safe to trade banter with the villainess who had secretly infiltrated the Lair Legion for the better part of a year as Citizen Z.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They do when they’re weaklings who don’t have what it takes to make the hard decisions,” Beth replied. “I acted for the good of the world. CrazySugarFreakBoy! made a much better leader.”
> > >
> > >     Dreamcatcher Foxglove made a rude sound. “You thought I was an easier mark, is all,” he accused. “You tried to kill Hatty then you shot me in the head.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You were an easier mark,” the Baroness told him. “I’m surprised you’re still alive after your encounter with your President yesterday. Or hasn’t Dominic caught up with you yet?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Mr Epitome tried to throw me through a wall,” CSFB! beamed. “Of course, I bounce.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you’ve settled once and for all the question of whether you’re fit to lead the Lair Legion,” Beth smirked. “It’s a good job Jay decided to leave his imaginary love nest with sweet little Zdenka and come back to take charge of your sadly reduced band of super-boy-scouts.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’re not here to trade gossip, Baroness,” Hatman scowled. “We have questions.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But my counsel isn’t present,” the villainess noted. “Isn’t this an infringement of my human rights?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t conquering the planet an infringement of human rights?” CSFB! demanded hotly.
> > >
> > >     The Baroness shook her head. “Not when it was a necessary part of saving the world from the aggression of the Parody Master,” she replied. “Conventional defences had failed. The Legion and dear Sir Mumphrey had failed. I had to step up to the plate and do what was required. But I’m sure you’ll hear lots more about that when I have my day in court.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You don’t seriously think anybody will buy that?” Hatman asked.
> > >
> > >     The Baroness leaned back in her chair and smirked again.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We have questions,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! repeated. “What did you do with Laurie?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie who?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie Leyton, who you impersonated right down to a psychic level,” Hatman growled. “We know you did something nasty to her in your cellars. Where is she now?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you must have me mixed up with somebody who answers naive stupid questions from effete superheroes,” the Baroness replied.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s your grandfather, Baron Otto?” CSFB! shot at her. “What’s he doing now?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“My dear grandfather died many years ago. I can show you his death certificate.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s Captain Kaan gone?” Hatman demanded. “Where did he take that dimensional dreadnaught that defected?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Kaan has gone? And taken an entire planet-destorying warship with him?” Beth shook her head sadly. “How disturbing.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“He’s not got the Parody Master backing his ship any more,” Hatman acknowledged, “but he could still be trouble.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes indeed,” the Baroness agreed. “You must be quite worried.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What about Silicone Sally?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! challenged. “Any idea where she’ll have slunk off to after she dripped off your fat ass when the PM zapped you?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I really don’t think that some who is married to Alice April Apple should go around insulting other people’s vital statistics,” Elizabeth von Zemo replied. “Tell me, when you and she take that pensioner from Faerie to bed with you do you call her ‘mommy’?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Give it up, Baroness,” Hatman advised. “You might think you’re playing the clever adversary with an ace in the hole. We know you’re actually being the defeated inadequate world conqueror who got taken down despite her treacheries and brutalities and is going to spend the rest of her natural life in prisons like this. Your dumb impostor games placed the whole world in danger and nobody’s going to forget that. You’re just about the most hated person on the planet now and it’s a pleasure to see you punished for your crimes.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or to put it another way, you got your wide ass whupped by a bunch of kids and Sir Mumphrey Wilton,” CSFB! snickered. “You’re not going to Disneyland.”
> > >
> > >     The Baroness scowled slightly, but whatever retort she was about to make never passed her lips as the lights went out all over the Safe. The emergency back-ups painted the prison with a livid red light until they also faded out. The alarm klaxons fell silent with a dying wail.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Trouble,” Hatman frowned, reaching for his comm-card.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You should have left the jailbreak attempt until we weren’t here, Bethie,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! warned the Baroness.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is nothing to do with me, moron,” she snapped back. “I was near the top off the Parody Master’s kill list. You think I’d want to release a couple of thousand Avawarriors into a high-security confined area with me?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“There’s no radio signal behind these shielded walls,” Hatman discovered. He pulled on his Steelers hat. “We’re on our own.”
> > >
> > >
***

> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That seemed to go very well, Mister Skinner,” noted Mr Flay. The two men in their conservative business suits were stood in the grounds of the abandoned Flanagan Carnival that had once shared Flanagan Island with the metahuman penitentiary.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Very well indeed, Mr Flay. I imagine that Warden Westwood and the others will be somewhat perturbed at the moment.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Somewhat perturbed indeed, Mr Skinner. I believe we can move on to our next task.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s encouraging, Mr Flay. I haven’t broken anyone’s bones since that iced-cream salesgirl this morning.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She won’t forget your sprinkles again, Mr Skinner.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s true, Mr Flay. On account of me twisting her head off.”
> > >
> > >     The unusual pair vanished before the security clampdown became total.
> > >
> > >
***

> > >
> > >     Whitney Darkness, Ebony of Nubilia, and Liu Xi Xian moved their way carefully through the vast shell of the burned out manufacturing plant that loomed over Black’s Crossing. The only light filtered down in dusty shafts through rents in the corrugated iron roof. Occasional pigeons disturbed the dust on the beams above, scattering ash down to join their guano on the detritus of the floor.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something’s wrong,” warned Sorceress.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This whole place is wrong,” Ebony pointed out. “The atmosphere is…”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She means something’s specifically wrong now,” Liu Xi clarified. “The dimensions are shifting somehow. It feels like things are closing in around us. Like a trap.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t that likely to be why Xander sent us here?” Ebony checked. “He knew there was some evil that needed to be dealt with, something that he would normally handle.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or manipulate someone else to handle.” Sorceress had no illusions about her absent father, the master of the mystic crafts. “But he’s not the Hooded Hood. Xander doesn’t play games for the sheer pleasure of it.” She frowned and reached for the letter in her pocket. “Why didn’t he give us more information?”
> > >
> > >     Liu Xi looked around sharply as a movement in the shadows caught her eye. It was only a rat. “This feels strange,” she admitted. “Like we walked into a movie.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“A horror movie, where the girls get slaughtered one by one,” Ebony agreed. “Let’s not split up and search separately. And maybe we should consider sending out for back-up.”
> > >
> > >     Whitney agreed and thumbed her comm-card. “Hallie? It’s Whit, in Black’s Crossing of all place. We could use some help. Who’s available?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sorry Whitney,” the voice of the Legion’s A.I. replied. “You’ve not been around much for us lately. Why should we bail you out? You think we’ve forgotten how you sold us out to the Hooded Hood and let him shape a world where half the team were dead just so you and Jay could be all right?”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” gasped Liu Xi as Sorceress turned pale. “That can’t be… No way would she say that.”
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Check your letters,” Ebony warned, staring at the missive she held in her own trembling hand. The document now read entirely differently:
> > >
> > >     Ebony, I’m writing this not because I think you’ll care but just to let you know how badly I miss my father, who you murdered along with so many others that you’ve fed to that elder monster you worship. Sure, dad was stupid and got caught up with some weird psycho cult that was doing weird things, but I know he’d have pulled round and become himself again if only you hadn’t brought that thing to slaughter him…
> > >
> > >     Liu Xi quickly glanced down at her own letter; …could have had my love, could have turned me around, taught me what it means to be human, to be a hero. But now I know what I am – a monster, a Doomherald, so from now on no restraint, no attempts at humanity, just death, murder and death, and every one of them will be dedicated to you, my faithless flower, every single time I kill will be in your name and it will be because of you…
> > >
> > >     The young elementalist swallowed hard. “We have to get out of here!” she cried, grabbing Sorceress and Ebony and manipulating the fifth Chinese element void to transport them far from that terrible place.
> > >
> > >     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hold on…!” warned Whitney, but by then Liu Xi could already feel the void tearing under her, dropping them out of reality to somewhere else.
> > >
> > >     Sorceress just had time to glimpse her own letter as they fell into hell. It simply said: Got you.
> > >
> > >
***

> > >
> > >
> > > Continued...
> > >
> > >
***

> > >
> > > Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.

> >





Scott NIGHT CHILDREN: THE BLOG. Come see!
Anime Jason 

Owner

Location: Here
Member Since: Sun Sep 12, 2004
Posts: 2,834
 Subject: A really dangerous one, maybe. [Re: HH]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 01:25:17 pm EDT (Viewed 491 times)


anime.mangacool.net (10.0.255.1)
using Apple Safari 3.0.3 on MacOS X (0 points)

> > It's starting to look to me like this is all a set of carefully laid traps to eliminate the entire Lair Legion.  Unfortunately I can't guess who because the list of people who want the LL and its associates gone is way too long.
>
> There are certainly a range of candidates.

A big range.


> > Of the LL and its associates, though, it looks like Chiaki and Visionary are in the least danger.  It would be strange indeed it the two weakest (and most injured, in one case) Lair Legion associates have to launch a rescue.
>
> As Vizh protests in his reply, he's in a fair amount of danger. Nyarlurkhotep is in the Dark Thugos power bracket and he really doesn't like Visionary.

Since when has anyone listened to Visionary's protests?  Maybe he should try using Yuki's bluff, it worked for her.


> > From the Baroness' arrogance over the matter, I'm thinking she might be involved somehow even though she isn't directly responsible.  Like maybe she was contacted, knew it was coming, and made a deal.
>
> Unfortunately for her, the Baroness was once on the LL roster too.

True, but it's pretty well known now that she wants the LL out of the picture.


> > And in light of a possible LL elimination, I'm thinking Whitney, Liu Xi, and Ebony have been given this errand by someone just to keep them out of the way (or were told by someone to).  They aren't really LL members, and while there are people who have it in for them, there isn't much overlap with the list of people who want the LL gone.
>
> Whitney was a member of the Legion for years, from around UT#40-160 or so. If somebody wanted to finally eliminate all Legionnaires she'd definitely be on the list.

Whitney isn't a current member, though, which might fool someone new to the playing field (or someone who's just too lazy to track down every former member).  






Anime Jason 

Owner

Location: Here
Member Since: Sun Sep 12, 2004
Posts: 2,834
 Subject: Didn't Amy tell Visionary to stop whining? [Re: Visionary  ]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 01:27:49 pm EDT (Viewed 495 times)


anime.mangacool.net (10.0.255.1)
using Apple Safari 3.0.3 on MacOS X (0.13 points)

> I'm sorry... who else is currently at the mercy of the big bad of *two* epic story-lines, the first of which ended with my heart exploding and the second with my soul being rewritten to bring about his rebirth? A villain who can kill a shoggoth, no less, and really hates me as well?

Chiaki was stabbed through the chest but she's not whining.  :)

Comparitively, though, Vizh has a better chance of escaping that villain simply because his trap is by far less elaborate.


> You're getting picked last for threat assessment detail. \:\-P

Fortunately that's not my job.





killer shrike


Subject: If "you" refers to Nylurkowhosis, then I agree [Re: HH]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 02:29:28 pm EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 7 on Windows Vista




CrazySugarFreakBoy!


Member Since: Sun Jan 04, 2004
Posts: 1,235
 Subject: I'm guessing The Mystery Villain ... [Re: The epilogue to the Parody War struggles on from... the Hooded Hood]
Posted Sun Sep 23, 2007 at 08:31:57 pm EDT (Viewed 505 times)

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 7 on Windows XP



Al B. Harper


 Subject: Re: How mysterious! [Re: HH]
Posted Mon Sep 24, 2007 at 04:35:51 am EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows XP




Al B. Harper


 Subject: Re: We're going to find out. [Re: HH]
Posted Mon Sep 24, 2007 at 04:37:48 am EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows XP




L!


Location: Seattle, Washington
Member Since: Sun Jan 04, 2004
Posts: 1,038
 Subject: Another intreesting part. I look forword to part 3. [Re: The epilogue to the Parody War struggles on from... the Hooded Hood]
Posted Mon Sep 24, 2007 at 04:06:33 pm EDT (Viewed 535 times)

Posted with Apple Safari on MacOS X

Point of referance: Lee's full first name is spelt without an O: Lenard, not Leonard.




Manga Shoggoth


Member Since: Fri Jan 02, 2004
Posts: 391
 Subject: Ah. Various contributions to the widows and orphans then. [Re: The epilogue to the Parody War struggles on from... the Hooded Hood]
Posted Tue Sep 25, 2007 at 08:44:27 am EDT (Viewed 547 times)

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows XP


Well, nobody seems to be doing well now (apart from the orphans). Even Visionary seems to be suffering from pre-emptive karma (although N should take care - it has underestimated Visionary before).




As is always the case with my writing, please feel free to comment. I welcome both positive and negative criticism of my work, although I cannot promise to enjoy the negative.
jack [not sure if ominous is the accurat word]


 Subject: an ominous scene at the end. [Re: The epilogue to the Parody War struggles on from... the Hooded Hood]
Posted Wed Sep 26, 2007 at 07:42:20 am EDT

Posted with Apple Safari on MacOS X

>
#322: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Ever After - Part Two
>
> Go to Part 1
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer.”
>
>     Sarah Shepherdson turned over in bed and saw Harry smiling down at her.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Er, what?” she answered, trying to cover he panic at being identified as a member of the Lair Legion.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dancer,” Harry repeated, still smiling. “You look just like her.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Um yes,” Shep agreed, pulling the bedclothes up around herself. “I’ve heard that before. But that doesn’t mean…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’ve even got her accent.”
>
>     Previously, Dancer’s probability powers had prevented anyone from making the logical connection between two athletic bubbly brunettes from County Mudd, Ireland who were never seen in the same place together. Had Dancer’s influence faded so much that she wasn’t covered now – except by a rumpled duvet?
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s not what you think, Harry,” Sarah said desperately.
>
>     Harry leaned back, still grinning. “And what am I thinking.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re thinking that I’m…” She frowned and looked at him again. “What are you thinking?”
>
>     Harry leaned forward. “I’m thinking that a girl who looks quite a bit like the Probability Dancer could do very well for herself. Have you ever thought about going on stage?”
>
>     Shep blinked. “On stage? I’m… So you don’t think…?”
>
>     Harry played with a lock of her long loose hair. “Hear me out, Sarah. I’m working as part of the crew for a new theatrical tour production: Lair Legion, the Musical. It’s all about the heroes of the Parody War. We’re casting now.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you’ve got this a bit confused, Harry. You’re supposed to tell me you can get me in the movies before you try to take me to bed.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Didn’t need to, did I?” Harry chuckled. “And don’t feel bad about that. I’m honoured to be the one that helped you get over your misery, at least for now. I’m totally okay being used only for sex for as long as you need me to. But I’ve got a job to do as well, and finding people to play the Legion on a major European tour is high on my list.” He looked thoughtful. “I don’t suppose you have an Australian friend who’s into bodybuilding, do you?”
>
>     Dancer caught her breath. “So let’s get this straight. You turn out to be a casting director for a Lair Legion musical…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Assistant to the assistant casting director,” Harry warned. “I can’t guarantee you anything.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you think I could play Dancer in a world tour?”
>
>     Harry shrugged. “I think you should at least audition,” he persuaded her. “Do you think you could act like Dancer?”
>
>
***

>
>     Liu Xi Xian got off the bus and looked around the gloomy industrial wasteland of Black’s Crossing. There was a chill in the air, as if it was going to snow, but she didn’t sense any weather patterns to account for it. The dull dirty buildings were mostly dark and many had broken windows.
>
>     The only occupants of the town square moved away from the burned out frontage of a video shop and came to meet her. “So, you got one too,” said Ebony of Nubilia.
>
>     Liu Xi knew what the the high priestess of the Manga Shoggoth was talking about, of course. The letter had arrived by overseas surface mail this morning, and she’d come immediately. “I didn’t understand it though,” she admitted. “Why would Xander want us to come here?”
>
>     The third woman present, Whitney Darkness, looked around her as a gust of wind whipped up the street trash. Liu Xi hadn’t seen quite that expression on Sorceress’ face before. The Chinese elementalist realised that Whitney Darkness was actually nervous. “I’ve been here before,” Sorceress admitted.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This place looks like a ghost town,” Liu Xi noted.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is,” Whitney answered. “Literally. I came here with the Legion years ago. Back then it was a horrible industrial place where people on the poverty line were trapped slaving their lives away in soul-destroying banal misery. The boss who owned the town was a very special kind of vampire, sucking the life from the whole population. It… wasn’t a pleasant visit.”
>
>     Liu Xi looked around her. There was something wrong about Black’s Crossing, something that set her teeth on edge. “You got him, though. The vampire?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“In the end,” shuddered Sorceress. “We cleaned this place. People were able to leave at last. The Bautista foundation helped them set up somewhere else. Not many folks chose to stay on.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then why did Xander write to me – to us – and ask us to come here today?” Liu Xi wondered.”
>
>     Ebony looked up at the grey sky that still seemed stained by the smog from the former factory. “You can sense it. This is still a thin place, where the usual barriers between the mortal and mundane and… the rest… aren’t quite strong enough. The Legion cleaned out the evil that had crept in here, but that just left a nice empty space for something else.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” Liu Xi sensed.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something bad,” agreed Whitney. “My father’s gone now. Hs letter made it clear that he and Cleone couldn’t stay around now because something is coming that he couldn’t stop. Something whose first move would be to destroy the sorcerer supreme.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So he needs us to mind the store for him,” Liu Xi agreed. “You know about high magics and things, Ebony’s an expert of dark cults and rituals, and I can sense elemental disturbances. Between us we can sub for a master of the mystic crafts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not too happy about being part of another Xander manipulation,” Ebony admitted. “He tends to get very close to the line, sometimes.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But he knows his evil,” Whitney sighed. “You know, I hoped I’d never have to come back here.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Was it bad?” asked Liu Xi, catching a little of Sorceress’ nervousness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The spirit possessing Hatman very nearly peeled the skin off my face,” she remembered with another shudder, “and that was the nicest part.”
>
>     Ebony was dangling a pebble on a piece of string and watching which way it swung. “I think we need to take a look around that derelict factory,” she admitted. “Just in case.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just in case we want to die?” Liu Xi asked.
>
>     The three women exchanged glances and moved towards the dark looming silhouette of the old Black Processing Plant.
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hello, Wally,” Hallie greeted the Lair Legion’s postman. “Anything interesting today?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Some kind of letters from England,” the old carrier noted. “Handwriting of Xander the Improbable, looks like. Addressed to Misses Darkness and Xian and to Lady Ebony. Sealed with wax and all.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s a while since we’ve had a letter from Xander,” Hallie commented. “I wonder what he wants? Put them on the side-table, Wally. Whit, Liu Xi, and Ebony aren’t here just now. I’ll let them know about the letters when they get back.”
>
>
***

>
>     The Doom Tube opened and the master of Apocalyspe strode out, his hands clasped behind his back, his grey granite face promising death and destruction wherever he went. Dark Thugos had recently returned to claim rulership of his tormented homeworld. A little way behind him came his prime servitor Granny Grimness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I didn’t need this my first day back on the job,” muttered Amber St Clare.
>
>     Mr Epitome moved forward to meet Thugos. “Ready?” he asked. He had no words of greeting for the former Destroyer of Tales, the former tyrant of a Sol Empire in another timeline. Glory and Yuki were also present in the Lair Mansion cell block for the meeting.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Bring the prisoners forward,” commanded Dark Thugos.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not so fast, Stoney,” Yuki interjecting, springing forward to block the archvillain’s path. “Before we hand over Splendiferous Stewart and General Steppenstoat and Kwatrain and the other Apocalyspian nasties who caused so much trouble here in the run-up to the Parody War we want to hear some assurances from you about what happens to them next.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You dare to question the will of Dark Thugos?” demanded Granny Grimness dangerously. Her large armoured bulk belied her thin ancient voice.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yep,” the cyborg P.I. agreed. “We do. Questioning the will of mad tyrants is pretty much our job description.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if I simply choose to remove my erring retainers from your inadequate containment facilities?” asked Dark Thugos.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Then there will be unpleasantness,” Mr Epitome warned, staring him in the eye.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think you could stand against Dark Thugos and Granny Grimness?” scorned Granny, her face darkening with rage.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think your boss knows now isn’t the time to start a war with the Lair Legion,” Epitome replied. “Your world’s in ruins, your armies shattered, your weapons depleted. There are lots of nervous galactic powers and cosmic beings out there feeling a bit sensitive just now about warmongering demigods. I think Dark Thugos is smart enough to work out when diplomacy is better than threats, even if you aren’t.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if he isn’t,” Yuki added, “we’re the Legion. We’ll find a way to kick his butt.”
>
>     Mr Epitome glanced at her. “Just because Trickshot’s not here doesn’t mean you have to fill the arrogant bigmouth role,” he scowled.
>
>     Yuki shrugged. “I’m over my being impressed by big looming bullies phase.” It wasn’t clear to whom that remark was addressed.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The exchange,” Glory whined, prompting them back to business.
>
>     Amber reluctantly moved forward. “In our preliminary negotiations, we agreed that the prisoners we return will be held on Apocalyspe and never come back to this world,” she noted. “They will be punished in non-lethal manner in accordance with your local criminal justice systems…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh yes,” chuckled Granny gleefully. “They’ve been naughty boys and their Granny is very cross with them.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will be held accountable for their actions regarding Special Resolution 1066 and the Parody War, but also for their previous crimes in kidnapping humans to Apocalyspe for their inhuman war games.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They will pay for their failures,” Thugos promised. “I have spoken.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You agree to the terms?” Mr Epitome liked things clear.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I agree.”
>
>     Yuki nodded. “I’ll bring the prisoners out, then,” she acknowledged, turning to the holding cells.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That will not be necessary,” intoned the tyrant. His eyes flared and livid red beams darted from them. They curved around Epitome and Yuki and passed through the holding cell walls to engulf the prisoners in lurid crimson fire. Kwatrain, Steppenstoat, and Stuart had just enough time to scream before they were consumed. “They have been returned to Apocalyspe to await my mercy,” declared Dark Thugos.
>
>     Amber suppressed a shudder. “Well… that’s very nice, then,” she said.
>
>     Thugos turned to look at Epitome before he left. “You survived on Apocalyspe,” he noted. “You and your woman.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes,” agreed the paragon of power. “That’s a nasty vicious planet you have there.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You are amongst the strong,” Thugos approved.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I am amongst the free,” Epitome replied. “Every tyrant should fear us.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, this day’s going well,” Amber said in a high brittle voice. “Canapés, anyone?”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Lee Bookman, former Librarian of Sector 7272, you stand accused…” intoned the Governor who was to act as prosecutor in the hearing upon the actions of the Librarian Legionnaire during the Parody War.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh do be quiet,” interrupted Lee. He hopped over the barrier rail and dropped onto the floor of the Inquisition Chamber. “Automatic systems over-ride Delbrulian Comsalach Truvane Achidromos. Transfer all Central Repository systems to my voice command.”
>
>     There was a surprised hiccup from the Repository A.I.s as over-ride codes that had been forgotten for millennia cut in. The ancient commands had priorities higher than any that could be placed into the system these days, commands placed there by the Founding Librarians themselves.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” demanded the Governor.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I downloaded the entire Grand Archive through my head,” Lee pointed out. “You think I didn’t index IOL over-ride codes?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“So now we’re going to stop this hypocritical charade and sort a few things out,” the Librarian demanded. “Anyone who thinks differently is welcome to deal with the A.L.F.s and data entities who now work for me.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is against all Library procedure!” shouted Supervisor Garth. “This is…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is long overdue,” interrupted Selinda Saxmendrim. “Go, Lee!”
>
>     Leonard H. Bookman stood in the centre of the speaking circle and addressed his accusers – and every librarian in the Intergalactic Order. “First to the charges. I resigned as a Librarian when this organisation surrendered its mission and its facilities to the interplanetary tyrant the Parody Master. You didn’t keep the sacred data safe, and you were willing to give it to a enemy of creation to save your skins. You violated the sacred vows we make about the sanctity of the material we hold.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But the archive would have been destroyed otherwise,” protested Auditor Blay-Kee. “Billions of years of documents lost forever.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“If that’s the price we have to pay for upholding our oath to keep the data from those who shouldn’t have it then that’s what we should have done,” Lee answered gravely. “Fortunately the Grand Librarian has a different idea. He arranged for me to be brought here, and for the entire archive to be downloaded through me, emptying the data banks in the Central Repository so they’d be useless to the Parody Master.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We were all nearly executed for that!” Garth accused.
>
>     Lee didn’t care. “Meanwhile, the Board of my local library branch, the Lunar Public Library, used a seldom-invoked clause of our charter to declare independence from the IOL. Nobody’s done that for a very long time, but as I’ve just demonstrated with those over-ride codes, just because it hasn’t been done in a while doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. Professor Blargelslarch and my trustees separated my library from the IOL, so I was able to donate the great archive to the systems there.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“No mere branch library could hold the grand archive,” a Governor scorned.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And no mere Librarian could be a conduit for so much data without going mad,” Lee added. “We improvised. The data is secure.”
>
>     There was a collective buzz of relief amongst the librarians. Some began to sob.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But before I let you have the archive back,” Lee Bookman announced to the IOL, “if I let you have the archive back, we’re going to get over this hypocritical nonsense of pretending that the Governors didn’t betray our high calling. We’re going to remind ourselves of the purpose of libraries in inform, educate, and enlighten the public. And we’re going to get past all this rubbish about Auditor fleets and Inquisitors and executions.” He suddenly grinned a manic smile. “We’re going to make some changes.”
>
>
***

>
>     Visionary’s editorial comment as he dropped through myriad strange dimensions suspended by a thin monofilament thread and a life-preserving atmospheric sheath harness: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!”
>
>     He briefly glimpsed – and dismissed – dozens, maybe hundreds, of bizarre new worlds. The worst were the ones where the inhabitants seemed to recognise him and wave back. He dropped into regions where smell registered as sight and sight as sound. He passed momentarily through a zone where his body was inverted and he could clearly see his internal organs trailing merrily behind him. Then he landed with a soft plop into a mound of goo not unlike that of the Manga Shoggoth he was looking for.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well,” said the man in black who was standing on top of the custard-skin surface of the protoplasm. “This is a pleasant surprise.”
>
>     It wasn’t that happy a moment for Visionary. “Nyalurkhotep,” he recognised.
>
>     The prime servitor of the Fairly Great Old Ones nodded and looked down at the little human whose soul he had once tried to devour. “That’s right,” agreed the man in black. “I’d come along to consume the Shoggoth, of course, but you’ll make a very welcome dessert.”
>
>     
>
***

>
>     Chiaki walked with a balanced poise that gave no indication that only a few days earlier she’d taken a poisoned blade through her chest cavity. She arrived early, decided on the best watchpoint, and moved to the position.
>
>     She found Champagne keeping watch from it.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh, hi,” the international jewel thief greeted the Psychic Samurai. “I guess we had the same instincts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I like to check out potential clients before I meet them if I can,” Chiaki Bushido noted. “That’s why I’m early. I don’t know you.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you know I’m the kind of girl who arrives early too,” Champagne pointed out. “Shall we discuss business now or would you prefer to wait until the time we agreed?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Now’s fine,” the Samurai agreed. “I’m curious why we had to meet outside St Jude’s Orphanage in Hell’s Bathroom.”
>
>     Champagne looked down at the battered brownstone house. “Did you know that St Jude was the patron saint of lost causes?” she asked.
>
>     Chiaki cut to the chase. “What’s the job?” she asked.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’d like to put you on retainer,” Champagne replied. “Not exclusively, of course. You’re quite a liberty to do whatever else you need to do. But I’d like you to keep an eye on that orphanage as well.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“On the orphanage?”
>
>     The jewel thief nodded. “You see, until recently Trickshot kept an eye on the place, and that was enough to deter the local thugs from getting ambitious. And Police Commissioner Graham’s daughter was a teacher there. Both of them are gone now.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You think somebody might try and do something nasty to the orphans?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s been tried before. This is a bad neighbourhood, and that’s one of the very few good things in it. The Lair Legion can’t always keep an eye out here – and you’re reputed to be very good at anticipating trouble.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You want me to bodyguard a whole orphanage. What’s your interest?”
>
>     Champagne smiled. “Rumour has it that St Jude’s used to receive large anonymous donations that kept it going, up to the point where the vigilante assassin Cobra disappeared. I hear that there’s going to be another substantial contribution turning up sometime soon, and I’d like to make sure it gets to the children and they get to keep it.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And if you’re really the Psychic Samurai you know the rest already,” Champagne pointed out. “I travel a lot. You seem to be mostly based in Paradopolis these days. Will you take the retainer?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Who knows about this?” Chiaki asked.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Whoever you tell and nobody else,” Champagne replied. “And I’d like to be kept out of it altogether.”
>
>     Chiaki would have taken the commission even without the money. “I agree,” she said. “I’ll protect them.”
>
>     Champagne handed over a dossier. “Here’s my best threat assessment. Local crooks, gangs, political issues, old rivalries, lines of fire, enemies and allies, the usual thing. Good luck.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You sound like you’re expecting trouble,” frowned Chiaki. “Is there something I don’t know?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not for long, I’d imagine.”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why Jay,” purred Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo, “how delightful to see an old friend.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Old friends don’t throw their injured comrades into the transdimensional vortex to be captured and tortured by the Parody Master,” Hatman replied. He hadn’t come to the Safe to trade banter with the villainess who had secretly infiltrated the Lair Legion for the better part of a year as Citizen Z.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“They do when they’re weaklings who don’t have what it takes to make the hard decisions,” Beth replied. “I acted for the good of the world. CrazySugarFreakBoy! made a much better leader.”
>
>     Dreamcatcher Foxglove made a rude sound. “You thought I was an easier mark, is all,” he accused. “You tried to kill Hatty then you shot me in the head.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You were an easier mark,” the Baroness told him. “I’m surprised you’re still alive after your encounter with your President yesterday. Or hasn’t Dominic caught up with you yet?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Mr Epitome tried to throw me through a wall,” CSFB! beamed. “Of course, I bounce.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, at least you’ve settled once and for all the question of whether you’re fit to lead the Lair Legion,” Beth smirked. “It’s a good job Jay decided to leave his imaginary love nest with sweet little Zdenka and come back to take charge of your sadly reduced band of super-boy-scouts.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’re not here to trade gossip, Baroness,” Hatman scowled. “We have questions.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“But my counsel isn’t present,” the villainess noted. “Isn’t this an infringement of my human rights?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t conquering the planet an infringement of human rights?” CSFB! demanded hotly.
>
>     The Baroness shook her head. “Not when it was a necessary part of saving the world from the aggression of the Parody Master,” she replied. “Conventional defences had failed. The Legion and dear Sir Mumphrey had failed. I had to step up to the plate and do what was required. But I’m sure you’ll hear lots more about that when I have my day in court.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You don’t seriously think anybody will buy that?” Hatman asked.
>
>     The Baroness leaned back in her chair and smirked again.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“We have questions,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! repeated. “What did you do with Laurie?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie who?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Laurie Leyton, who you impersonated right down to a psychic level,” Hatman growled. “We know you did something nasty to her in your cellars. Where is she now?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I think you must have me mixed up with somebody who answers naive stupid questions from effete superheroes,” the Baroness replied.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s your grandfather, Baron Otto?” CSFB! shot at her. “What’s he doing now?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“My dear grandfather died many years ago. I can show you his death certificate.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where’s Captain Kaan gone?” Hatman demanded. “Where did he take that dimensional dreadnaught that defected?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Kaan has gone? And taken an entire planet-destorying warship with him?” Beth shook her head sadly. “How disturbing.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“He’s not got the Parody Master backing his ship any more,” Hatman acknowledged, “but he could still be trouble.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes indeed,” the Baroness agreed. “You must be quite worried.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What about Silicone Sally?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! challenged. “Any idea where she’ll have slunk off to after she dripped off your fat ass when the PM zapped you?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I really don’t think that some who is married to Alice April Apple should go around insulting other people’s vital statistics,” Elizabeth von Zemo replied. “Tell me, when you and she take that pensioner from Faerie to bed with you do you call her ‘mommy’?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Give it up, Baroness,” Hatman advised. “You might think you’re playing the clever adversary with an ace in the hole. We know you’re actually being the defeated inadequate world conqueror who got taken down despite her treacheries and brutalities and is going to spend the rest of her natural life in prisons like this. Your dumb impostor games placed the whole world in danger and nobody’s going to forget that. You’re just about the most hated person on the planet now and it’s a pleasure to see you punished for your crimes.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or to put it another way, you got your wide ass whupped by a bunch of kids and Sir Mumphrey Wilton,” CSFB! snickered. “You’re not going to Disneyland.”
>
>     The Baroness scowled slightly, but whatever retort she was about to make never passed her lips as the lights went out all over the Safe. The emergency back-ups painted the prison with a livid red light until they also faded out. The alarm klaxons fell silent with a dying wail.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Trouble,” Hatman frowned, reaching for his comm-card.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You should have left the jailbreak attempt until we weren’t here, Bethie,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! warned the Baroness.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is nothing to do with me, moron,” she snapped back. “I was near the top off the Parody Master’s kill list. You think I’d want to release a couple of thousand Avawarriors into a high-security confined area with me?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“There’s no radio signal behind these shielded walls,” Hatman discovered. He pulled on his Steelers hat. “We’re on our own.”
>
>
***

>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That seemed to go very well, Mister Skinner,” noted Mr Flay. The two men in their conservative business suits were stood in the grounds of the abandoned Flanagan Carnival that had once shared Flanagan Island with the metahuman penitentiary.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Very well indeed, Mr Flay. I imagine that Warden Westwood and the others will be somewhat perturbed at the moment.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Somewhat perturbed indeed, Mr Skinner. I believe we can move on to our next task.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s encouraging, Mr Flay. I haven’t broken anyone’s bones since that iced-cream salesgirl this morning.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She won’t forget your sprinkles again, Mr Skinner.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s true, Mr Flay. On account of me twisting her head off.”
>
>     The unusual pair vanished before the security clampdown became total.
>
>
***

>
>     Whitney Darkness, Ebony of Nubilia, and Liu Xi Xian moved their way carefully through the vast shell of the burned out manufacturing plant that loomed over Black’s Crossing. The only light filtered down in dusty shafts through rents in the corrugated iron roof. Occasional pigeons disturbed the dust on the beams above, scattering ash down to join their guano on the detritus of the floor.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Something’s wrong,” warned Sorceress.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“This whole place is wrong,” Ebony pointed out. “The atmosphere is…”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“She means something’s specifically wrong now,” Liu Xi clarified. “The dimensions are shifting somehow. It feels like things are closing in around us. Like a trap.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Isn’t that likely to be why Xander sent us here?” Ebony checked. “He knew there was some evil that needed to be dealt with, something that he would normally handle.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or manipulate someone else to handle.” Sorceress had no illusions about her absent father, the master of the mystic crafts. “But he’s not the Hooded Hood. Xander doesn’t play games for the sheer pleasure of it.” She frowned and reached for the letter in her pocket. “Why didn’t he give us more information?”
>
>     Liu Xi looked around sharply as a movement in the shadows caught her eye. It was only a rat. “This feels strange,” she admitted. “Like we walked into a movie.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“A horror movie, where the girls get slaughtered one by one,” Ebony agreed. “Let’s not split up and search separately. And maybe we should consider sending out for back-up.”
>
>     Whitney agreed and thumbed her comm-card. “Hallie? It’s Whit, in Black’s Crossing of all place. We could use some help. Who’s available?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sorry Whitney,” the voice of the Legion’s A.I. replied. “You’ve not been around much for us lately. Why should we bail you out? You think we’ve forgotten how you sold us out to the Hooded Hood and let him shape a world where half the team were dead just so you and Jay could be all right?”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“What?” gasped Liu Xi as Sorceress turned pale. “That can’t be… No way would she say that.”
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Check your letters,” Ebony warned, staring at the missive she held in her own trembling hand. The document now read entirely differently:
>
>     Ebony, I’m writing this not because I think you’ll care but just to let you know how badly I miss my father, who you murdered along with so many others that you’ve fed to that elder monster you worship. Sure, dad was stupid and got caught up with some weird psycho cult that was doing weird things, but I know he’d have pulled round and become himself again if only you hadn’t brought that thing to slaughter him…
>
>     Liu Xi quickly glanced down at her own letter; …could have had my love, could have turned me around, taught me what it means to be human, to be a hero. But now I know what I am – a monster, a Doomherald, so from now on no restraint, no attempts at humanity, just death, murder and death, and every one of them will be dedicated to you, my faithless flower, every single time I kill will be in your name and it will be because of you…
>
>     The young elementalist swallowed hard. “We have to get out of here!” she cried, grabbing Sorceress and Ebony and manipulating the fifth Chinese element void to transport them far from that terrible place.
>
>     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hold on…!” warned Whitney, but by then Liu Xi could already feel the void tearing under her, dropping them out of reality to somewhere else.
>
>     Sorceress just had time to glimpse her own letter as they fell into hell. It simply said: Got you.
>
>
***

>
>
> Continued...
>
>
***

>
> Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.






Hatman


 Subject: Really, I think it's Dancer in the most danger [Re: The epilogue to the Parody War struggles on from... the Hooded Hood]
Posted Wed Sep 26, 2007 at 10:23:28 am EDT (Viewed 535 times)

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 7 on Windows XP

I mean really, sure Vizh is facing off against Nyalurkhotep, Hat and CSFB! have a prison break on their hands, Sorceress and co. are in one of the scariest places on the planet, and Yuki and Dominic had to face down Dark Thugos, but at least everyone knows they're up against evil and powerful forces. It's unknown whether Dancer is in danger yet or not. So really, Vizh should stop complaining, at least he knows where he stands.

And I'm very much looking forward to hearing what the Librarian has planned for the IOL.

~Hat~




HH


 Subject: Is it worth having any other kind? [Re: Anime Jason]
Posted Sat Sep 29, 2007 at 09:55:02 am EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows 2000

> > > It's starting to look to me like this is all a set of carefully laid traps to eliminate the entire Lair Legion.  Unfortunately I can't guess who because the list of people who want the LL and its associates gone is way too long.
> > There are certainly a range of candidates.
> A big range.

I hope to profile a few in the story.

> > > Of the LL and its associates, though, it looks like Chiaki and Visionary are in the least danger.  It would be strange indeed it the two weakest (and most injured, in one case) Lair Legion associates have to launch a rescue.
> > As Vizh protests in his reply, he's in a fair amount of danger. Nyarlurkhotep is in the Dark Thugos power bracket and he really doesn't like Visionary.
> Since when has anyone listened to Visionary's protests?  Maybe he should try using Yuki's bluff, it worked for her.

I don't think Vizh has a poker face.

> > > From the Baroness' arrogance over the matter, I'm thinking she might be involved somehow even though she isn't directly responsible.  Like maybe she was contacted, knew it was coming, and made a deal.
> > Unfortunately for her, the Baroness was once on the LL roster too.
> True, but it's pretty well known now that she wants the LL out of the picture.

The parody forces want her as dead as the LL. She directly betrayed the Parody Master. the order for her slow painful death came directly from his sacred lips.

> > > And in light of a possible LL elimination, I'm thinking Whitney, Liu Xi, and Ebony have been given this errand by someone just to keep them out of the way (or were told by someone to).  They aren't really LL members, and while there are people who have it in for them, there isn't much overlap with the list of people who want the LL gone.
> > Whitney was a member of the Legion for years, from around UT#40-160 or so. If somebody wanted to finally eliminate all Legionnaires she'd definitely be on the list.
> Whitney isn't a current member, though, which might fool someone new to the playing field (or someone who's just too lazy to track down every former member).  

I can assure you they're not against a lazy opponent.





HH


 Subject: I think Vizh is allowed to whine if he wants to. [Re: Anime Jason]
Posted Sat Sep 29, 2007 at 09:56:36 am EDT

Posted with Microsoft Internet Explorer 6 on Windows 2000

> > I'm sorry... who else is currently at the mercy of the big bad of *two* epic story-lines, the first of which ended with my heart exploding and the second with my soul being rewritten to bring about his rebirth? A villain who can kill a shoggoth, no less, and really hates me as well?
> Chiaki was stabbed through the chest but she's not whining.  :)

Perhaps she can't catch her breath?

> Comparitively, though, Vizh has a better chance of escaping that villain simply because his trap is by far less elaborate.

He's trapped in an alien dimension against a being that can squash the Shoggoth without thinking about it. Who needs elaborate?





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