An interesting change in status quo - I loved the tension you built up between Chiaki and Yuki, and both characters were written to their strength here. I can’t honestly say the same for Akiko, however, to me her role here seemed forced to get to the ending you wanted, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was a LMD in the end and not the real Akiko.

... The story itself is interesting, but I think the repercussions of this on Akiko will either require an extended explanation of why she suddenly behaved this way, or else she'll have to be revealed to have been Not Herself. I didn't feel like there was enough justification for Akiko to turn child-kidnapper, either in terms of her character or what she actually thought she was going to accomplish, and by taking her off the board, you've potentially affected a lot of other writers' stories.

Sorry to sound harsh, since I'm not upset or trying to be mean, but I wanted to be honest.

As you might have noticed this chapter takes a bit of a risk with Akiko Masamune.  It's not easy to tell, but there is a part 3 to this story - she doesn't just vanish to the Safe when part 2 comes to an end.

... As Vizh suggested earlier, is simply to send other folks a heads-up via e-mail, if you have something significant or potentially status-quo changing that you're planning on doing with their characters. With some stories I've written, I've traded e-mails with half the board, and bouncing ideas off of them has always helped me tell better stories, not just about their characters, but also about my own.

With Akiko, it's a bit more complex, since she's a Non-Poster Character, which technically makes her community property, but as far as I know, Vizh and Ian have written the most stories about her, so however your story turns out, it might not be a bad idea to get their ideas on how Akiko might tend to react to certain situations.

You can still sell a story that takes risks, as long as the characters seem to be behaving in ways that most people can recognize, but I think the biggest problem with this chapter is that the personality you portray Akiko as having runs counter to the way that a number of posters, myself included, are inclined to view her character.

I don't think you need to axe anything, nor should you feel that my comments indicate i am "turned off" in anyway. They are meant as constructive criticism, not a complaint. I enjoyed the story, and think the idea of Chiaki coming to conflict with Akiko is an interesting move.
What I failed to see shown is a real reason behind Akiko's actions...and I think the story suffers because of that. She seems weaker. Plain and simple. Therefore, it makes any "win" Chiaki (or Yuki) have over her diluted by such.
That shouldn't be taken as a reason not to use the extended cast either, but more as a challenge to make sure that the use works to get the story you want. I'm no great writer, but i enjoy reading and reviewing your work and hope you see this as a challenge, rather than a hindrance.
Sure, Akiko has become more aggressive, but your story didn't really show that...the notes tell us it. In the story she was a passive cry-baby who stole some kids off Visionary for...no real reason I could see, and then gave up real easily. 
Now, your challenge is to show us in part three why she did this in a believable way. Otherwise, it reads as just something you (the writer) did to easily get her out of the way for Chiaki to take over.
I do think both Chiaki and in particular Yuki were very well written here, as I said. And I do want to read more.
Keep at it!
Al B.
 
 

Having opened the window for this story before you erased it, I had a chance to read it. I thought that both chapters of this story had some very good stuff in it, especially in the interplay between Yuki and Chiaki, and some obviously problematic stuff.

One was the past continuity... It was established long ago that Visionary is tied into Akiko's crime family, and as recently as Naari's abduction as an infant (before anyone even knew Griffin existed), Vizh and Akiko were allies in fighting Camellia and trying to get her back. Vizh has called on Akiko's help, and vice versa, multiple times throughout the years. Add to that the fact that targetting the children is a hugely provocative act, one that the LL cast isn't likely to forgive and let go, and Akiko kidnapping his children for any reason raises a number of questions.

Being continuity issues, however, this isn't as hard to overcome. It simply means that there is a need for a stronger explanation behind the actions, and is something that could have easily been incorporated into part 3 if you wanted the story to stand within continuity more firmly.


As for how Akiko was portrayed, I tend to agree that she didn't seem like the dangerously intelligent leader of a criminal underworld. The feedback you have gotten in this regard seems to have rattled you the most, making you question whether you should continue to write with other people's characters. Certainly you should. If you're concerned about how you treat other characters, then the simplest rule to follow is to treat guest stars like guests... As their "host", you should try to make them come off as well as possible. The easiest way to do this is to reinforce their established "role" in the Parodyverse, and to have the character provide significant aid to your own. If the guest star is a villain, then the point should be to reinforce the threat that this character poses.

Finally, the story raised some red flags because, at the end of Chapter 2, it seemed to make a rather large change in the status quo (although this is something that could quite easily have been reversed in Chapter 3). The general rule here is pretty simple... If you're going to use someone else's concept, you simply need to put it back the way you found it when you're done with it. If you'd really like to make a lasting change, then you should run it by the character's creator beforehand. This is just a common courtesy to avoid derailing anyone else's long-term plans. I happen to have some for Akiko, and shrike was currently in the middle of a story about underworld figures grouping together to take her on. Obviously, if Akiko had already been taken down in this story it would seem to cause some conflicts in how those other stories would have to unfold.

While these guidelines may at first seem somewhat limiting, I'd say they're really not too terrible... Especially if you look at the sheer amount of lasting change Vizh and my cast have gone through in stories that included other people's characters.


I can understand if the feedback you've gotten on this one has killed off your enthusiasm for finishing it, although I think that's a shame. I definitely, however, think you shouldn't give up on writing in shared continuity or in mixing your cast with others. I also encourage you to collaborate outright with your fellow writers more... It's very rewarding, and does not lessen your co-plotter's enthusiasm to read the final result when the story is complete and posted. Some of my favorite Untold Tales plots involved some level of participation on my part beforehand.

Part of the problem is that I waited too long to solve that problem.  When someone watches a multi-part movie or reads a multi-part book, and they don't like how it's going, they usually don't stick around till the last part.  I think what happened so far turned off the audience, and it's almost certainly at the point where quite a few people won't care what Part 3 says anymore.

 

I doubt that's true.  I can't speak as to whether breaking it up into chunks caused more problems for you, though.  I can see how it might have.

 

> I figured I would have at least had to deal with killer shrike, you, and Ian.  That's a lot of correspondence for one rather short story.

You don't need to deal with me at all, since I'm not Akiko's creator. And unless there's something Vizh and HH have concocted some kind of stryline involving the character I don't see why you would have needed to correspond with Ian either.

Everything else Adam said was pretty much spot on. If you're going to use other people's characters you should leave them in the same condition you found them in, and use them in a way that is consistent to the past and shows the audience their strengths. We all fail to do that at times, so you shouldn't feel that discouraged.

>
> This story was originally supposed to be a 3-parter.  Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to try and save it, it looks like the entire thing is flawed.  Part 2 is now removed, and Part 1 will be deleted separately.  I don't think there's any way I can salvage it aside from a complete rewrite from Part 1, and I have no clue how to approach the core story now.  So as far as I can tell at this point, the whole story and its core concept are no longer salvageable and are dead.
> I started writing it two Untold Tales ago.  That means even if I manage to find inspiration it's going to take me a couple more weeks to catch up now.  I'm sorry to say that I'll have nothing to post until then besides one lone World Class chapter.  Which is not nearly as popular, but it's all I have right now.
> On a personal note it's both depressing and discouraging.  Yes, I know it's my own fault, and that's exactly why it awakens doubts about my ability to write in a shared environment, or at all for that matter.  
> Maybe I don't have the rhythm or understanding to do it anymore, or maybe I should expand my own cast and concentrate on that and the occasional tie-ins (which admittedly aren't doing too well either).  I like writing, but when things don't go smoothly I have to wonder if I've "lost the touch" and I'm just stretching to avoid going idle.  Maybe I like what I write because of the human tendency to prefer your own work out of pride even if it's drastically inferior.  
> I'll still be around, but I'm not sure how much or if I'll be writing, depending on whether I can find the inspiration and cast to work with.
> P.S.  I'm leaving this here for commentary for a couple of days before I remove the thread entirely.