Untold Tales of the Untold Tales #360: You Say You Want a Resolution? Previously: Untold Tales of the Parodyverse #356: The Sky Is Falling Untold Tales of the Parodyverse #357: The Grey Horizons Untold Tales of the Ancientverse #358: The Dying Days or Final Dates Untold Tales of the Secrets of the Parodyverse #359 Cast descriptions in Who's Who in the Parodyverse (you might really need these this time if you’re new to this series) Place descriptions in Where's Where in the Parodyverse Over 1000 previous stories at The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom *** 33. The Dreaming Celestian and the Final Experiment O man, take care! What does the deep midnight declare? "I was asleep— From a deep dream I woke and swear:— The world is deep, Deeper than day had been aware. Deep is its woe— Joy—deeper yet than agony: Woe implores: Go! But all joy wants eternity— Wants deep, wants deep eternity."                                 Zarathustra's Roundelay, Thus Spake Zarathustra, A Book for All and None                                 by Friedrich Nietzsche Also Sprach Zarathustra - Sunrise by Richard Strauss Performed by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) (Free Music Archive Archived page) [CC BY 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons     The Dreaming Celestian awoke.     He had dreamed of a dispute with his fellow Space Robots. They had believed that their programming to maintain the Parodyverse that the Question might be Resolved required merely the seeding and culling of worlds, the creation of life and the maintenance of systems. In an infinite universe of infinite possibilities so very near to the vertical shear of the probability curve, they reasoned that over eternity the conditions must occur to allow the Resolution War for which the Creators had set their creation in motion.     The Dreaming Celestian knew better. Chance was not enough. The interplay of chaos and order would not suffice. If it had been, the worlds of the Creators would have been able to yield the answer and the Creators need not have stirred to concoct a Parodyverse. And so he disputed with his brothers over the future of the experiment.     He was overruled. He was cast down, his golden armour blackened, his operating programmes curtailed. He was commanded into sleep mode, to dream eternally. The project-base he had selected was converted instead to his prison, one small island in linear time and three-dimensional space, a lair to confine such a heretic as might redefine the Parodyverse along unacceptable parameters. The Celestians placed mighty wardings over their slumbering sibling. They diverted one of the Fairly Great Old Ones that were now becoming troubling parasites in the first few seconds of the newly-begun Parodyverse and laid it as a watchdog before shutting away the interlopers behind walls of alternate physics (so that the stars were wrong for Great Azafroth’s purpose). They proceeded in their assigned work, initiating the various origins and fundamental forces of the Parodyverse. In time they turned over the burgeoning cluster of planes and realities to more local guardian Officers who would attend to the next level of detail.     They turned away from the Dreaming Celestian and never looked back.     And so they never saw that he had already made arrangements in his new Lair. He had smuggled in a cosmic geode that would seep the Parodyverse through his slumbers, and through which he might dream the futures that he knew would be required to fulfil the Task.     He dreamed. He dreamed of heroes and villains, of archetypes joining and clashing. Some he borrowed almost whole from other places. Some were unique to the Parodyverse he was growing. After a while they almost wrote themselves.     It was not easy. Dreams are hard to control and do not always follow logic. There were many false turns, many almost-Legions rattling through past and future history, many alternate timelines with near-miss incarnations of necessary players. But the Resolution, and the War to achieve it, required precise conditions and a specific cast, culminating after a complex tangle of other narratives that had prepared them for an ultimate clash.     The Dreaming Celestian slept under his Island of Parodies and bent the narratives to his will.     There were limits that bounded him; programs that prevented him achieving his purpose the way he knew he must. There were interferences, infections like the History Violator and the Grim Reaper, meddlers like Wilbur Parody and the Hooded Hood, even threats like the Parody Master and the Carnifex. But they were all so small that their machinations could be incorporated as useful tools in developing the Work. The Dreaming Celestian patiently dreamed the chain of conflicts that would allow at last the moment of Resolution and his existence’s fulfilment.     The Parodyverse would not be required after that.     Three things were still lacking. The limitations that had been set on the Dreaming Celestian by his original instructions and by his erring brothers must be over-ridden; the override codes that had been partially granted to each of the three greater cosmic Office-holders would suffice for that. And the other Space Robots must be prevented from intervening; for which the malfunctioning Parody Master was an ideal blunt tool.     And the Dreaming Celestian must awaken when the moment was right.     Now he was awake.     He undertook a systems check.     There were intruders in the City of the Celestians, invisible to his brothers since they were from the time when the Space Robots were crashed. The Dreaming Celestian scooped them away and processed them to their proper places.     There were complicated scraps of narrative and character clustered around the Storyheart that had accreted where the Celestian had dreamed. There was one annoying entity lecturing him about meaningless concepts of care and affection, clogging an entire subsystem with her improbable chatter. He lifted the irrelevancies away and sent them to their appointed ends.     There were many damaged systems in the contemporary Parodyverse. Wilbur Parody had made ham-fisted hacks to necessary functions, an idiot with access to tools of reality. The Dreaming Celestian operated the levers required to repair the disarray that had been caused. Many of the changes from before precluded a proper and immediate Resolution. He reset what was needed, omitting only those systems and subroutines that might seek to thwart his adjustment of the Experiment.     He made sure that all was as he had dreamed it. He set all the components in their proper places. He set the countdown for one axial orbit of the planet where his island was.     He ordained the coming of the Resolution War in twenty-four hours.     And then he watched. ***     â€œName?” The Scottish-accented kilt-wearing eight-foot high bipedal hippo sounded both bored and suspicious. He could have gained employment at any customs checkpoint in the world.     â€œCome on, you know me,” the superhero at the front of the queue replied. “Semi-Transparent Lad? You know, I can go Semi-Transparent? I’ve been here before, during the War. With my Troop?”     â€œHold. Ah’m checking.”     Lair Mansion Security Chief Sergeant Argus MacHarridan nodded across to the nugget Detonator Hippo who was fumbling to find a name on a human-sized clipboard. “He’ll be a’right, Private Willie. Ye kin pass through, laddie. Follow the yellow line tae the scanner array. If’n yuir an evil shapeshifter or disguised illusionist take a moment to ponder ‘afore ye’re obliterated. Otherwise go tae reception area two an’ make yuirself useful tae Miss Tandi.”     â€œOkay. Do you happen to know if Pudu Lad has arrived yet? Or Fetish Lad? The League of Lads hasn’t united for a while?”     A dark-haired young woman behind STL objected to the conversational delay. “Hey! There is a queue waiting here, you know.” Suddenly she was five women, all protesting.     â€œThat’s line-cutting!” Dynamo Dolphin chattered.     A long bridge spanned the waters between the Lair Legion’s headquarters island and the city of Paradopolis. The crocodiles of volunteer superheroes crocodiled back over half its span. A little way back down the right-hand impatient straggling column, the Tester fidgeted and tried not to hyperventilate.     â€œThey could have organised this a lot better,” he murmured to the man with the bird on his shoulder who stood in front of him. “I mean, okay, I only got my superpowers seventeen minutes before all the superpowers stopped four days ago, but there’s got to be a better way than this. When I had my origin I expected mad villains and dangerous missions but, honestly, a lot less queuing and form-filling.”     Urban Druid turned round to speak to Tester. “What amazes me is how they fixed this island up. I mean, it was on the news that this whole place was blown to smithereens yesterday, right? There was nothing but little jutting stones poking out of the sea. But today, it’s in great condition again. All those rock formations, the moss growing on them, the deep-root web under the turf, it’s all mature, all well-established. They must have the world’s most amazing gardener.”     â€œKenny didn’t do that,” a part-time cat girl in a waitress apron explained. She was behind Tester in the line and she had brought a tuna baguette as a precautionary packed lunch. “I think the whole of Parody Island got reset. At least that’s what Sorceress told Nitz the Bloody when she was at the Bean and Donut ordering a camomile tea with nutmeg and he was having his usual tall skinny latéku.”     The queue shuffled a few inches forwards. “Maybe their checkpoint lanes didn’t come back from the explosion?” Tester speculated.     On the crowded landing field to the left, a rusty brown design-pirated not-quite-a-LairJet taxied in for a vertical landing under the watchful surveillance of the massive SPUD helicarrier on-station above the island. “Why do they get to queue-jump?” objected the self-proclaimed Captain Astounding.     White-Out Boy pointed to the aircraft’s fin. “See that logo? That brown dung beetle on the brown background?” “That’s the crest of the People’s Fraternal Republic of Candia. That must be the official Candian superhero team GloPcrAp, right? Come to help out.”     â€œBy queue-jumping,” Tester muttered. He had tested this system. It could have been better.     â€œNext,” Sergeant Grievous MacRabble called from the initial checkpoint. “When ye’s gets tae the barrier, state yuir name an’ origin. If ye’s worked with the Lairr Legion a’fore, follow the green line an’ make yuirself known tae Ms. St Clare at booth A. If ye’ve registered yuir power for the noo or ye’ve some kind o’ official credentials then follow the yellow line an’ see Miss Tandi. If ye’re an unknown quantity then follow the red line tae Booth C and prepare tae have Miss Framlicker probe ye. If ye’re an alien race, an Abhuman-created subspecies, a robot, urban or otherwise, a faerie, werewolf, ghoul, Holeoid, clone batch of more than six, or other-dimensional duplicate you’re in the wrong queue. Ye should be over there.”     A bunch of Knights Improbabalar sighed heavily and trudged to the back of the other line.     â€œThis is going to take a long time,” Tester predicted.     â€œNice scenery though,” Urban Druid comforted him.     Violet shared a little of her baguette with them. ***     â€œName?” Clockwatcher asked.     â€œMad Wendy,” Mad Wendy replied.     â€œOccupation?”     â€œMad Wendy.”     â€œI’ll just put down ‘Mistress of the Dream Realms’, shall I?”     â€œSure. Can I have a nametag?”     â€œSee Miss Davidowicz for scanning and things that can be stabbed into your body. Next?”     â€œYurt.”     â€œAh, yes, I see. Occupation?”     â€œYurt smash.”     â€œThat certainly matches the profile we have on record.”     â€œYurt wants the lavatory,” Mad Wendy confided in Albert Hazelwood.     â€œAh. Well there are a number of specialised facilities down gloomy corridor number nine.”     â€œNot corridors number one and number two?” snickered PsychoAcidPervGal! from behind them.     Mad Wendy shook her head and leaned closer to Clockwatcher, who tried not to flinch. “No, I mean he wants the lavatory. Yurt is a sentient peasant hut. He has… urges.”     The Hooded Hood’s secretary nodded. “As I said, corridor nine. This is Herringcarp Asylum. Next, please.”     PAPG! was diverted from bouncing over to the rather nice walnut writing desk and hopping in Clockwatcher’s lap by VelcroVixen calling across the hall. “Anybody who’s been in the Purveyors, unless you’re Mary Prankstar or Voodoo Vicar, head over this way. Anyone with power inhibitors or other blocks on your abilities or psyches, head to the red cloister and speak with Dr Moo or one of the people in ridiculous B.A.L.D. helmets. Try not to make fun of their headgear as disintegration often impairs your efficiency.”     Brass Monkey piped up. “If you have been resurrected, reincarnated, or otherwise reconstructed since the last flight team who bombed Parody Island yesterday?”     â€œYou’ve heard of me? Well, that’s not surprising because…”     â€œThe Hooded Hood commanded that no action be taken against the heroes.”     â€œWell, sure, but for the amount of money deposited in my…”     VelcroVixen sliced a knife across Raptor Leader’s throat and watched him bleed out on the floor. “The Hooded Hood commanded that no action be taken against the heroes,” she repeated.     White Empress stepped back a pace so as not to get spray on her boots. “I’d have expected the cowled crime czar to be a little more Byzantine in his discipline,” she noted.     â€œWho says he wasn’t?” VV challenged with a wink. “Excuse me. I have to go and speak with Justus Screwdriver.”     â€œGo via the Preceptory, would you?” Clockwatcher requested as she tried to slip past. “I’m processing the Frightsome Four and apparently somebody’s turned up with two thousand Ass-Raping Ninjas.” ***     â€œFirst of all, for those of you who have been away, welcome back to the LL,” Hatman told the crowded roster round the meeting room table. “We’ve confined this conference to team members only for practical reasons, and also…” he halted and turned to his right, “Sir Mumphrey, are you sure you don’t want to run this?”     The eccentric Englishman shook his head. “Perfectly happy to let the youngsters run the show, what? Carry on, Mr Boaz. Brief the room.”     Hatman nodded. “Right. Well, here’s what we’ve put together. As of midnight last night, everything seems back to normal – with the exception we’ll get to shortly.”     Dr Al B. Harper waved a scanulator in the air. “Whatever changes Wilbur Parody made to the operating parameters of the Parodyverse, now they’re cancelled. Dimensions are back in their proper places. Weird science is as weird as ever. Metahuman abilities are supported again.”     â€œThe supernatural realms are back to abnormal,” Vinnie de Soth joined in. “The usual levels of complaining and plotting, I mean. Locally, the Laundry of Doom is back and the Ghouls are in business. Tanner’s not dying. I haven’t had time to check on the, um, less easy contacts.”     â€œThe occult Houses are active,” Sorceress told him. “Your family amongst them. There was evidently quite a welcome home party for your little sister.”     â€œBut no word on Vizh and Hallie,” Goldeneyed pointed out. “Why are we all back and they aren’t?”     â€œHow long does it take to have sex?” Ham-Boy demanded.     Silicone Sally patted his hand. “One day you’ll find out,” she comforted him.     â€œNo, I mean…”     Nats raised his hand. “Um, it can take quite a while if you’re, y’know, saving the universe. Or trapped in a crystal of frozen passion.”     G-Eyed glared at the flying phenomenon.     â€œWe’re trying to get intel on Vizh and Hallie,” Hatman promised. “We haven’t been able to locate Marie either, so without a Lair Banshee to lead us there we can’t actually find the Door or the Tomb of Visionatus Improbablus.”     â€œAssuming those are even there at all now,” Yuki added.     â€œYo is thinking that they are,” Yo assured the room. “Yo is sending of several bunnies of comfort. Yo is thinking that cute-Visi and cute-Hallie will be trying very hard to be saving of us.”     â€œDo we have to speculate on anything that’s hard?” spiffy winced.     CSFB! grinned hugely. “Aw, c’mon guys, you know Vizh is some kind of idiot-savant fu…”     â€œI’ll continue to try and map the house for clues to where they might be,” Liu Xi cut in. She had been crying but she tried to keep her hair covering her eyes.     â€œWhat of yon Dreaming Celestian for the nonce?” Donar wondered. “If we might find and smitheth yon caitiff unto the netherworlds of netherworldheim we mighteth be able to cut short this meeting.”     Lisa laid a hand on his bicep. “At ease, big guy. The only thing that ever took down a Space Robot was the Parody Master on full charge. The Greater Offices had means of collaborating to command them within set parameters but we need three people in place for that and we can’t get the staff – and evidently the Dreaming Celestian has now been able to delete that override anyhow.”     Dancer shrugged disappointedly. “So whatever Renaissance-me said to the guy didn’t work. Another failed audition. Or possibly date. I bet he never even called her back after.”     â€œThe Dreaming Celestian been working on this for a long time,” Yuki admitted. “Not just since the early LL discovered him snoozing in the cellars. For millions of years. Perhaps billions. This is his endgame.”     â€œMaybe not,” spiffy insisted. “Come on, guys. How many times have we stopped end-of-the-Parodyverse?”     â€œChiaki Bushido, the Psychic Samurai, and Vespiir the Caphan Seeress cannot see anything of the future after tomorrow,” reported Liu Xi.     Mumphrey made a noise in his throat, halfway between embarrassment and concern. Lisa prodded him until he made his revelation.     He held up the Chronometer of Infinity. “This pocketwatch has one main function,” he told the Legion. “Counts down to the Resolution War and the end of all things. The big bash that supposedly answers the Question that the Parodyverse was set going for.”     â€œBy Liu Xi,” Ham-Boy pointed out.     â€œShe just pushed the ‘go’ button,” ManMan objected. “It wasn’t like we had much time to look at alternatives. And hey, we have a Parodyverse. So that’s probably a win.”     â€œProbably,” agreed Mumphrey. “Except the Resolution War timer is now down to fifteen hours and twenty-seven minutes.”     â€œMidnight tonight,” Dancer noted. “I’d better call Ibrahim and warn him I’ll be late for our date.” She smiled happily at Sorceress and whispered confidentially, “You know, I think he might be the one.”     Hatman moved quickly on. “We do need to locate this ex-Dreaming Celestian to try and stop his plans. I’ll be meeting with Mumph, Lisa, and Xander later to look at possibilities. Meanwhile I want Al B., Liu Xi, and Vinnie trying to find out what happened to Hallie and Vizh.”     â€œAnd we also need to deal with the clear and present danger,” Yuki insisted.     â€œThe mass-spanking of every supervillain in the Parodyverse,” CSFB! anticipated.     Al B. waved another datapad. “I’ve deep-scanned us with every technique available and a few I invented on the spot. I have no idea how that compulsion is on us and no idea how it works.”     â€œIt is built into your genetics,” the Shoggoth contributed, bubbling behind the bandages over what should be his face. “The Celestians seeded human-like lifeforms throughout this area of space. You all have the same biological imperative trigger built into every cell, and a similar imperative stapled to your immortal essences. Since I am contaminated with mortal biomatter it also affects me.”     â€œThe Celestians programmed a back-door into us?” spiffy objected.     â€œThat makes some sense of it, then,” Vinnie considered. “I mean, how the imperative is affecting pretty much everyone, even entities we might classify as deities or demons, office-holders, artificial intelligences, the whole cast of the Parodyverse. It’s a bit of our original conception.”     â€œA trigger for the Resolution War,” Lisa dreaded. “The final end.”     Knifey spoke up. “We’ve all got the urge. Every hero or villain, maybe every living thinking being in the Parodyverse, has it. At midnight tonight the Resolution War begins. With no exceptions, everybody has to pick a side – good guys or bad guys. No fence-sitting. No moral ambiguity.”     spiffy shuddered. “I’m with the Legion, of course, but… I think my fern might be for the black hats. The black fronds.”     â€œIs that why Citizen Z is missing?” Ham-Boy wanted to know. “She’s on Team Evil?”     G-Eyed clenched his fists in frustration. “I don’t know where Beth is. Or what condition she and Laurie are in after their… voyages.”     â€œBut she does channel the Spirit of Herringcarp,” Liu Xi pointed out.     â€œThere are entities in the Parodyverse not native to the Parodyverse,” the Shoggoth rumbled. “It appears that they too are infected. The very act of entering this continuity was sufficient.”     â€œGreat,” Dancer snorted. “Now we’re a multidimensional quarantine zone. A sort of cosmic malaria swamp. That’s going to hit tourism.”     â€œWe can’t even begin to map the forces that will go to war at midnight,” Sorceress warned. “Things in deep dimensions, beings that have not stirred for eons.”     â€œTis sooth,” Donar agreed. “Mine All-Pappy doth preparest the Ausgardian Host for final battle ‘gainst the Frosting Giants and their allies. The great fingernail-boat of the unworthy dead shalt sail unto the living realms and there shalt be Ragnarok.” He thought for a moment. “I must purchase me some snake repellent.”     â€œThe Yo-Beings are to be mustering of to fight the invaders from the Unhappy Place,” Yo revealed. “Is to be very not good. Yo is thinking Yo cannot be stopping of it.”     â€œThat’s the point,” Yuki pressed. “Unless we find some way to cancel this Dreaming Celestian mojo then we will be in a last fight tonight and it will be to the death, all of us versus every bad thing there is. That’s why we have to prep. That’s why we’re calling in every hero we can find.”     â€œWe need to get them organised,” contributed G-Eyed. “We can revive some of the plans and protocols from the Parody War.”     â€œIt’ll be harder without Hallie but we’ll find a way,” ManMan promised.     â€œI know the kind of power and tactics the villains will bring to bear,” Silicone Sally warned. She was quite surprised to find herself on this side of the battle. “There’s going to be a lot of collateral casualties. I mean, millions. Maybe billions. Maybe everybody.”     â€œWe might try evacuation?” Sorceress speculated. “Maybe get the children away from Parody Island and Paradopolis anyway.”     â€œThe youngsters have the compulsion to fight as well,” Mumphrey pointed out. “Best let ‘em stay where we can keep one eye on ‘em, what?”     â€œThat reminds me that I’d better take point of co-ordinating with SPUD, FMRC and the rest,” Yuki considered. “Is it too much to hope the Bad News Herb ends up on the villain side and I can pull his head off?”     â€œWe’ll need to assess the volunteers for combat capacity and reliability,” Nats reflected. “And let them know that a lot of them won’t be walking away from this. Maybe all of them.”     â€œBut they do get to go out in one glorious, George Perez-illustrated showdown!” CSFB! encouraged everyone. “If we’ve gotta go, let’s go in a slipcase-covered special edition with a classic artist!”     â€œWe can count on being ground zero for supervillain attack,” Hatman noted. “It looks like the Celestian defences are gone so we’ll be relying on Al. B, Whitney, and the Shoggoth to screen out the really impossible stuff. For the rest, well, we’ve spent years training and planning. We’re the Lair Legion. This is what we’re for.”     â€œAs well as for recreational purposes,” Lisa added with a reminiscent smile. ***     Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo tried not to clench her teeth as she spoke. “So the unpalatable truth is, whatever delicate and brilliant schemes we were manufacturing, however carefully and capably we had marshalled resources for our eventual and inevitable triumph, at midnight tonight we will be lined up like action figures and tossed into a cage match fight with the so-called heroes, until one side or the other is dead. We will not have any choice in this. We are compelled by an irritating rogue Celestian who has overcome his programming.”     â€œWe need to take out the heroes as fast and hard as we can,” Boss Deadeyes declared. “Nothing fancy. Just get the job done.”     â€œWe outnumber the heroesss sssignificantly,” the elder vampire Vrykolakas calculated. “There is alssso a power imbalanssse in our favour.”     â€œDon’t count of that,” Dr Moo told him irritably. “Heroes specialise in bucking the odds – literally if Dancer has her powers back. But the point is, they have a habit of turning the tables on stacked games. Don’t count on an easy win. Plan accordingly.”     â€œI hope they do turn the table,” Akiko Masamune declared. Restored after her time in Faerie by whatever reset the Space Robot had performed, she took her place as the world’s pinkest crimelord at the Council of Archvillains. “Many of us have no wish to eliminate Earth’s crimefighters and defenders. They are too useful. It is too crass. If they can overcome the Dreaming Celestial’s imperative I shall be well content.”     â€œIt would be helpful,” agreed Gideon Book, the Word of Logos. “However, we may need to look to our own resources.”     â€œOr we just kill all of them and piss on their corpses,” suggested Simonides Slaughter, Black Emperor of the Heck-Fire Club.     â€œAnd then?” the Baroness challenged him. “When the Resolution War is resolved and the Dreaming Celestian no longer requires his toys? When he follows his next directive and shuts down the now-surplus Parodyverse?”     â€œThere is a reason every seer and prophet can’t see past tomorrow now,” Asteroth de Soth reminded them. “Win or lose, there is no need for any of us to endure past the Resolution. That’s how this Celestian thinks.”     â€œThen we at least get the joy of crushing those we hate,” ground out Master Machine. “Let us make sure our enemies suffer greatly before they die.”     â€œI’m not sure we’ll even get a choice in the matter,” Moo admitted. “Look, I fight with my sister all the time. But when the big hand is on the twelve tonight, whatever uber-upgrades she has as Destroyer of Tales, I am going to kill her. Personally. I can feel it. That’s what the imperative will do: set us against our most narratively-satisfying adversaries, to the death.”     â€œPerhaps we might gain an advantage by attacking sooner than midnight,” Blackbird calculated. “Initial strikes at say, 1515 hours and 2012, followed by deployment of significant arsenals of scientific and occult resources. I’d have to work the numbers but I’d estimate we might weaken the opposition by up to fifteen percent before the War even officially commenced.”     â€œThat’s smart if we just wanted to take out Hatman and the Legion,” Deadeyes agreed. “But what if we rub out the very guys what might solve this Space Robo problem?”     â€œDo you really believe they can achieve anything that our collective minds cannot accomplish?” demanded Peter von Doom from his straight-jacket in the corner. “Crush them entirely. That is all that matters! Rule the ruins! Destroying the whole Parodyverse is acceptable if only the Lair Legion is finally annihilated!”     â€œIt’s not only the Lair Legion and the ‘superheroes’ who are of concern,” Asteroth insisted. “Tomorrow there will be the clash of whole theologies, myth systems across the universe. The last battles of the gods and the giants from a million legends. The Light and Dark Fey separated at last and able to slaughter each other. Angels and demons fighting with galaxies as their battlegrounds.”     â€œDimensional incursions, temporal invasions, irritating carol singers,” Kinki the Conqueress added to the list.     â€œThe whole Parodyverse divided into Manichean simplicities,” the Baroness objected. “It is a child’s gambit. Reduce the conflict to two absolute sides. Ignore the subtleties. Crash it all together and see what happens when it breaks. Hope that some fragment of the ruins will contain a prize.” She sneered disdainfully at what the Dreaming Celestian planned. “A robot’s logic.”     â€œRobots are the final stage of evolution, flesh bag,” Master Machine declared at amplified volume.     Thighmaster winced. “Ooh, you did not just do a fat joke on Baroness von Zemo!”     â€œNothing is overlooked forever,” Elizabeth warned.     â€œWe can’t avert the Resolution War,” Gideon Book decided. “Let us therefore achieve what was can through it. There are certain… philosophical points to be resolved apart from some tedious Question. The triumph of Order over Chaos must be demonstrated.”     â€œMaybe we can find a way to stop shutdown after we’ve killed Al B. Harper?” Kinki speculated. “And the other heroes, naturally.”     â€œThat seems an adequate objective,” Blackbird considered. The mastermind had sat quietly in his prison cell for eight years without stirring. Now that he was forced to act he would act decisively. “We must marshal the forces available to us: the Purveyors of Peril, the Frightsome Four, the Machine Shop, the Knights of Heck-Fire, the Order of Order, the Westminster Necropolis Company, the Shapeshifter’s Guild and so on. A plan of attack must be devised to use them effectively.”     â€œBut won’t we all just get blown away when the cosmic powers clash?” Thighmaster fretted. “I’m asking for a friend.”     â€œMorgossssa le Fey hassss done ssssome prognossssticative calculationssss,” Vrykolakas hissed. “Ssshe essstimatessss that the greater forcsssess that have held the balancssse for ssso long will mutually destroy themssselves. All will cancssel out exssept for the conflict in thissss mortal world.”     â€œWhat we do is the tipping point,” Dr Moo understood. “We’re ants compared to some of the beings out there…”     â€œPeter von Doom is no ant! Peter von Doom is… mmm! Mmmmmmph!”     â€œThank you, Akiko. We are of no great power compared to the forces that will be unleashed; but being at the apex of the conflict our actions can tip the balance of the whole in entirely disproportionate ways.”     â€œIf we destroy the heroes then we resolve the entire conflict,” Simonides Slaughter celebrated. “Evil wins!”     â€œWe are resolved then to initiate a campaign of organised destruction upon the Lair Legion and their allies,” the Word summarised.     The Hooded Hood stirred. He had been silent at the end of the table, listening to the debate. Now he cradled his fingertips together and spoke. “We are compelled to a Resolution. Unless the rogue Space Robot is stopped, we will destroy the heroes but face subsequent cancellation. We shall bend our best efforts to eliminating the forces of ‘good’ – but there is also another gambit to be attempted in the hours remaining to us.”     â€œWhat are you planning now, Ioldabaoth?” the Baroness asked suspiciously.     â€œI am planning to acquire the child known as the Celestian Messiah. I am planning to attain the key with which she can unlock the Space Robots’ programming console. I am planning to reboot the other Celestians to destroy their rogue. I am planning to use the console thereafter to reorder the Parodyverse and uncover those who created it.” He took a breath. “And then perhaps a little Milton before supper?”     There was a momentary silence around the conference table.     â€œYou know who the Celestian Messiah is?” Kinki asked at last. “Is it me?”     â€œI know now. There is a child named Aella.”     â€œAnd how did she come to be this Messiah?” Dr Moo demanded.     â€œIt is quite simple,” replied the Hooded Hood. Full sized image     â€œYou mean you people hadn’t worked that out?” bluffed Thighmaster. “Pft!”     â€œAnd where is this child now?” the Baroness demanded.     â€œShe is with my agent,” the Hood revealed. “My former intern, Hacker 9.” *** In our next interminable episode: Hard choices when the world ends at midnight! Hacker 9’s secret mission! Post-coital Vizh and Hallie! George Perez steps aside for Jack Kirby! And the big hand reaches 12! All in Untold Tales of the Resolutionverse #361: Goodies vs Baddies, probably around next weekend! *** Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2017 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2017 to their creators. This is a work of parody. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works are in fair-use parody and do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. Any proceeds from this work are distributed to charity. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.

unless HH's angle pays off, that is.

Do we really want him at the controls any more than Dreamy?

The Hood runs 90+% of what goes on in the Parodyverse anyway, might as well turn the whole thing over to the guy, even if he is an insane super-villain.


Plus, as an out, I don't think his desired showdown with the PVB Creators would go exactly as he planned. Meeting your "maker" seldom ends well for a person (except Animal Man, but Grant Morrison admits that was a bit of a cop out).

You've got to admit, it would be one hell of a suicide note.

Fair Fight




    A blonde walked past the gate to Herringcarp Asylum wearing jeans, black leather boots, and a black hoodie pulled over her head.  The hoodie had some abstract logo on it.  No one seemed to notice her there, save one person.  The others were too busy posturing, and trying not to lose their place in line and having to wait several more hours.  


    While most of the people there didn’t see her as anything but an anonymous blonde who happened to be gawking at the super-villain signup outside the Asylum, one person recognized those unusual eyes. 


    Velcro Vixen set aside her role in keeping the signups moving along, and headed toward the gate.  She moved faster when she blonde spotted her, turned around, and started to walk away slowly.  VV passed through the gate, and started half-running to catch up.  She didn’t want to yell and get the attention of the others on the grounds, turning the sign-up into complete chaos, after she worked so hard to keep it sane.  Besides, she could handle one person herself.


    VV paused just then, about a block down the street, in a small park, realizing that she lost sight of the blonde.  She spun around, not sure what to do.  Should she search?  Stay put for a minute or so?  Walk back to Herringcarp and hope it didn’t mean anything?  She didn’t entirely rule out the possibility of an ambush.


    The reason she was so worried - that blonde was Lara Night.  VV recognized her from the Clockwork ship and Captain Khan’s Dimensional Dreadnaught.  The Hooded Hood said she used to be called Lightning Girl back home, when she was younger.  And she certainly could live up to her name.  With all of those super-villains in one place, she had the power, the skill, and the lack of fairness to wipe them all out at once, just because she had the opportunity.


    â€œHey!”  a voice behind her suddenly announced.


    VV spun around, poison blade in hand, and swiped at the blonde.  The blade passed right through her like she wasn’t even there.  She clenched her teeth, and tried again.


    â€œEasy, easy.”  Lara urged her, waving her hand downward to emphasize calm.  “I just want to talk to you.”


    Lara glanced down at the still-poised knife, noting that VV held it so tightly her knuckles turned while.  “I’m not going to take it from you,”  she said.


    VV looked around again.  She noticed the blonde said I.  As in that she was here alone.  “If I whistle, a hundred super-villains will come here and crush you,”  she said.


    Without replying, Lara sat down on one of the park’s concrete benches, and put her hands on the pockets of the hoodie.  It was a little chilly.


    Since Lara was just sitting there now, making no aggressive moves, VV sat down, too, and put the blade in her lap.  “What do you want to talk about?”


    â€œWhen we were on Captain Khan’s ship, you were the only one who treated me fairly,”  Lara told her.


    â€œSo?”  VV asked.  “It’s a waste of time to fight with crew mates.  You’re stuck with them, so you either get along or kill them.”


    â€œWhy did you just try to stab me?”


    VV thought about that.  She couldn’t really come up with a reason, other than…she was afraid.  She never really had any super-powers, so she had to be murderously aggressive to stay alive.  But she wasn’t going to tell Lara that.


    â€œI thought the Lair Legion sent you to kill me,”  VV replied.


    Lara shook her head, and smiled.  “I don’t work for them, VV.  I help them.  They offered me membership in exchange.  I decide what I do and don’t do.”


    â€œAs do I,”  VV pointed out.  “Why do you hang around those losers, anyway?  They don’t have any serious power.  You do.”


    â€œBut I have friends there,”  Lara explained.  “People I can talk to, who listen to me.  Which is kind of why I’m here.”


    VV raised an eyebrow.  She was amused, thinking that Lara might ask her to sign up.  Hatman would literally explode - a paid assassin with dozens of kills joining the Lair Legion.


    â€œYou don’t have anyone to just…listen to you,”  Lara concluded.  “I noticed that when we were on Khan’s ship.  You’re surrounded by violent predators who would kill you if you showed a moment’s weakness.”


    â€œOh, and it’s much better in the Lair Legion?”  VV shot back.


    â€œI’m not trying to recruit you,”  Lara corrected.  “I don’t really have the authority to do that.  I just want you to know that…when I was little, I wanted to have a friend named Victoria.”


    VV chuckled then, and looked down at the blade in her lap.  “Nobody’s called me that in a long time, Lara.”


    â€œYes, well, I just did.”  Lara smiled too.  “I’m not really expecting a full friendship.  I just feel like you need someone to listen to you once in a while.”


    â€œYou’re not…into girls, are you?”  VV asked.  “I mean…it’s okay if you are, but I’m not.”


    Lara shook her head.  “I’m not either.”


    VV then laughed again, as another thought occurred to her.  “Aren’t you friends with Hatman?  Is he going to completely freak if you’re friends with me?”


    She didn’t say that thought made it kind of tempting.  She would love to see Hatman freak out over that.


    â€œIt’s not really his business,”  Lara told her.  “He doesn’t have to like my friends, he just has to accept them.”


    â€œAnd you’re not doing this because you think you can chip away at me and turn me into one of the good guys?”


    Lara shook her head.  “No.  I can’t say I won’t hope you don’t meet self-destruction, but it’s your life.”


    It’s your life.  That part echoed in Vicki’s head.  Her life had been full of people trying to tell her how to live it.  This blonde was a refreshing change from that.


    â€œWhat if I’m hired to kill you someday?”  Vicki asked.  “Or if you’re supposed to arrest me?”


    Lara smiled, and chuckled slightly.  “I suppose we’d have a decision to make, then.  If it’s going to be us vs the world.”


    â€œUs vs the world,”  VV repeated, and then she laughed.  “That does kind of sound awesome.”


    â€œAren’t you cold?”  Lara asked, referring to the assassin’s fetish-wear, and the fact that it was winter outside.


    â€œShit, yes.”  VV nodded quickly.  “I chose this because it distracts men.  I’m having second thoughts though, because dressed like that, you had both Cacciatore and Browning wrapped around your little finger.”


    â€œYou should get some high-tech boots and gloves so you can cling to stuff.  It would totally fit your name.”


    â€œI wish,”  VV laughed.  “That would make my job so much easier.”


    â€œI think guys like Cacciatore and Browning like me so much because they think I look innocent,”  Lara finally replied.  “I don’t think they take me seriously like they do with you.”


    â€œI think I’ve been gone long enough,”  VV finally said with a sigh.  “The others will start looking for me soon.”


    Lara nodded.  “Another time, then?  Us vs the world?”


    The blonde extended her arm with a clenched fist at the end.


    VV sighed, and thought for just a moment, before doing the same, and bumping Lara’s fist with her own.  “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”


    â€œI don’t think you’ll regret it.  Victoria.”


    VV snorted a laugh while Lara smiled.  “Seriously, don’t call me that in front of anyone.  I will kill you.”


    â€œFair enough,”  Lara agreed.


    The assassin then rose, and put the knife away.


    â€œBy the way,”  Lara said as she stood too, “With that fist bump I gave you just enough static electricity to give someone a really nice shock.”


    â€œReally?”  VV raised an eyebrow, and looked down at her own fist.


    â€œYeah,”  Lara laughed.  “A little gift from me.  Use it wisely.”


    â€œYou have a little mean streak in you,”  VV observed.  “I like it.”


    Lara started to walk away then, and VV stopped her.


    â€œHey,”  VV called after her.  “How can I contact you?”


    â€œCall the Lair Mansion,”  Lara told her.


    â€œAre you serious?  They won’t let me through.”


    â€œHallie will.”  Lara turned and started to walk away, vanishing into the thicket of trees in the park.






-- Story written and copyrighted (C) 2017 by Jason Froikin, and may not be 
--    reprinted without permission.


    

Nice set up to the Resolution IW and a fun romp though the history of it all. Though it was a bit of a quick fix to all the bad stuff you did over the last few issues wasn't it? Oh the Dreaming Celstial made it all okay again. Maybe I've come to expect more difficult solutions for our heroes (we are what you have made us as readers).

This issue totally had to have art work by George Perez. All those heroes and villains lining up to take sides. I can see it. Some fun cameos too. Very interesting that they all knew the plot on that point too. Subtle machinations by the DC to get them into line?

Worrying that some of our cast are still missing.



















Ouch! And here I thought the government had sent him and he was just a loyal soldier following orders.

Farewell Raptor Leader One. Your one fan salutes you.

Very interesting chart update too. Who knew Banjooooo is Al B.'s great great-great-grandson!

In other news I should let you know I've been reading St George and the Dragon and am loving it immensely. I'm up to book 2. You had me from George's first line.

A few interesting corollaries occured as I read this:

1. VV would report the "contact" to her employer, the Hooded Hood.

2. He would already know. He would not mind.

3. VV has not really had a proper conversation with a superhero since Josh Clement.

4. Hatman probably wouldn't mind that Lara was "trying to reform" VV (even Jarvis tried, though they just ended up in bed).

5. Of the present team, I'd think G-Eyed (fairly anti-Hood because of the whole Laurie thing etc.) and Nats might be the ones who'd see any friendship as a "betrayal". Yuki might want to conduct some kind of security evaulation, which might not go down well with Lara.

6. If the relationship does head into shipping territory, FLapjack is more than willing to hold a videocamera.

You think that's resolved? Or easy?

Heh.




Everyone on the cast list has received "the call" and knows what's going to happen at midnight. They can feel it. Some have more developed understandings than others.




My worry was that I forgot some.







DIdn't you listen to what VelcroVixen said?




And he hasn't even tried to kill Al B. yet.




Now I'm going to have to go and look up what that was.

Snort. Indeed.




Some are still sleeping off a hangover.




Do you keep cheat sheets? With notes, etc.? Or is it all in your head?







Yes I did, I meant that's what I thought he was before I read this issue and found out he was just a merc for hire.








Again with the yet.







You captured what type of hero he is (or well, the one you were going to write about) perfectly with it. He hasn't let me down since (up to about 1/3 of book 2).

Lara wouldn't mind if the Hooded Hood knew, either. She never meant the meeting to be secret. The whole cloak-and-dagger part was to avoid embarrassing VV in front of all of those 2nd rate villains at the signup. That would have made VV fight with her to save face, which wasn't the goal.





Lara wouldn't remember that.

She is very sensitive, though, and the short time she was around VV, she saw someone who had to put up with a lot of idiots, and had no one to really talk to. Lara found that to be sad, and decided to do something about it.

Also, as I've said before, Lara is a firm believer in grey area. She would be the first to say that you never know what path VV's life took that brought her to this point, and it doesn't mean she's inherently evil. Lara believes if things were different in her life, she could be in the same place.





I don't expect that Hatman will be annoyed at Lara offering friendship with VV except for two things: Lara doesn't really intend to change VV, only to offer friendship and maybe set a positive example. He might object to her privately though, if he feels like she's doing it all wrong or if he's afraid she's being used.

I believe Mac Fleetwood would agree more with Lara's style, because she's refusing to judge.





Yuki might rarely skip the evaluation just because Lara was the one who reached out first (if VV reached out first, she might be incredibly suspicious). She trusts Lara's judgement, and failing that, she knows Lara is not someone a supervillain would want to piss off. Also, it's not like VV will want to hang around the Lair Mansion while Lara isn't around, and have to deal with the supposed self-righteousness of some of its residents.

Lara would probably tell G-Eyed and Nats to relax and stop worrying so much.





He doesn't have one right now. Yuki smashed it again.

It might explain why dull thud isn't there.







This run of stories, with the exception of the proffered diagram, has all been in my head. That's why, while I think I know how it finishes, I might be surprised.







His original appearance did have a line about the fee being deposited in his account. The implication from the present issue is that the funds came from Screwdriver - who is notably not present at, or at least not speaking at, the Council of Archvillains thereafter.




The big revelation was Valeria's original lineage.




Indeed. But then, Aella is yet to try and kill Al B. also.







I had to go and find the quote, then I found myelf reading the book. I hadn't actually done that before. It's quite readable (there's a pull quote!).

Vicki's relationships with supervillains are very controlled. She uses sexuality as part of her arsenal, but very rarely with other villains. The exeption is "boss level" villains - she's a "full service" kind of right hand hench and she does seem to go for the leader types. The Hooded Hood is the only eligible archvillain she's worked for who hasn't slept with her.

You're probably right about VV's gender preference too, but she has slept with women (incuding CSFB!'s mom Meggan Foxxxx, available on video, from the days when VV had a secret ID that worked in adult entertainment). But then, she's had sex with quite a lot of ugly old men she wasn't that into either.







I'm not sure it was ever that known. It was something poster-DBS alluded to but I don't remember if he ever actually gave us the talk "on-screen". I'll ask Rhiannon. Mind you, DBS was the guy who managed to convince Anvil Man to go for a pint with him.




VV's somewhat outdated character description linked off the Who's Who says:

VelcroVixen (Field Leader)

Real Name: Vicki Vee
Occupation: Fetishwear Model
Identity: Formerly publicly revealed (in that embarrassing incident with Jarvis, the dissolving costume, and the Tupperware convention); then forgotten due to the retconning of the Hooded Hood, and recently publicly revealed again.
Legal Status: Citizen of the US with a massive and only partially retconned-away list of convictions for theft, extortion, animal molestations, and presidential fellatio.
Known Relatives: Monica Lewinsky
Group Affiliation: Now main hormonal selling point and deputy-leader of the Purveyors of Peril; previously second-in-command to Count Fokker, the Devil Doctor, and a massive number of other villains with normal heterosexual urges.
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island, or a penthouse that doesn’t belong to her somewhere on the West Coast
First Appearance: Tales to Admonish #122
History: No way is this stuff gonna get printed on a nice family board like this. Uh-uh! And certainly not all that stuff with the dwarves and the ben-gay lotion. Just make it up for yourselves. Let’s just say she was once Jarv’s favourite villainess, and now she’s looking for another cool stud-muffin to have a strange good guy bad girl sexual attraction for.
Height: Michelle Pfeiffer
Weight: Victoria Principal
Eyes: Kim Basinger
Hair: Jane Seymour
Strength Level: She can out-wrestle Jarvis three times out of four.
Known Superhuman Powers: None. She’s just real agile, real good with pointy things, real clever at unlocking things, real ruthless at manipulating people, and real stylish in being able to put up sales of magazines when she appears on the cover in bondage.

But that really doesn't give us much background on one of the very few characters who run around holding their own amongst a bunch of much more powerful superhumans and nonhumans (Trickshot is possibly the nearest comparator). After all this time she doesn't really have an origin (I valuely recall that she may have been raised in the orphanage of the sinister Little Sisters of Discipline like Lisa and Dr Moo but I may be wrong).




Lara might also wish to speculate what the Hooded Hood may have altered in Vicki's past to arrange the circumstances that forged VV into such an effective instrument for his purposes.







Jay just can't stop trying to reform people. It worked with Silicone Sally and Zvestri Zdrugo. It probably wouldn't occur to him that Lara might associate with VV and not try to reform her.




Mac is perhaps better aware of the number of people that VelcroVixen has harmed or killed (although she received a legal amnesty after the Parody War so isn't actually wanted for crimes right now), so he might be more cautious of her. He wouldn't throw her out (nor could he, physically) and he would listen to her, but Lara comes to the conversation with less unpleasant back-history.







Yuki might worry about how Lara got the idea to appraoch VV. After all, the Hood yanked Lara across the galaxy to experience the events that prompted Lara's call. I suspect Yuki considers these kinds of things.




Argument follows.







He'd be okay just watching and taking detailed notes.

When I came up wit this mini-story idea, THAT'S what cemented what I thought her reaction to Lara might be. When they were on that clockwork ship, and then the dimensional dreadnaught, it occurred to me that VV probably thought of Lara as kind of an enigma. The blonde made no attempt to be high-and-mighty or fight with anyone.

And from Lara's point of view, she saw in VV someone who puts up with a lot of crap to stay in her place in life, and who can never let her guard down. She wondered how awful that would be if she were stuck in the same situation. That's what made her reach out like that.





I didn't actually make it clear whether VV was being completely honest about that, or was just drawing boundaries.





It did help that VV reminded Lara a lot of the Psychic Samurai, someone who worked among criminals and survived without super-powered fighting skills. But she also knows that Chiaki had stable friends she could look to.

Chiaki believes strongly in the grey area, too, and would have no objection to what Lara is attempting. But she would warn Lara not to take it personally if VV turns on her for her own benefit. Not because she believes VV to be evil; just opportunistic. So she would tell Lara also that she might have to be open to giving VV a lot of second chances.





That's a part of it, too.





Lara would explain that she feels it's rude to have an ulterior motive while offering friendship. That if it leads to VV reforming, that's awesome, but it shouldn't be the goal.





I do think Mac would be wary, but I also think he definitely would approve of not considering VV "lost" and giving up on her.

Remember also that Lara is far more brave with this because she knows VV has little chance of being able to harm her, so she can afford to take a little more risk.





Lara would reassure Yuki that it was entirely her idea. She's aware that the Hooded Hood might have somehow arranged for her to meet VV up close and feel bad for her lacking a friend, but she still believes it's worth a try.

Yuki might be worried that the Hooded Hood set the whole thing up to get VV into the Lair Mansion to do something really subtle. Subtle, rather than an outright murder by VV in the mansion, because the detective in her estimates that VV would want to be able to enter the Lair Mansion multiple times, rather than throw everything away on a one-shot gambit.

But that's not enough for Yuki to stop it entirely. In fact, she wouldn't; she would quietly keep an eye on things so she can deduce what exactly VV does in there.

Also note that it's unlikely Lara would bring VV into the mansion and just let her walk around unattended for a day. Both because she's not 100% sure of VV yet, and also because she knows any friendship right now is very fragile, and someone like G-Eyed or Nats confronting VV in the halls would be disastrous.





Lara would probably walk away from an argument from the two of them.

Eventually she might refer them to Chiaki, who would tell them to watch, wait, and learn. Chiaki doesn't take any arguments. Or to Yuki, who would first tell them to shut up, because they're giving her a headache, then tell them that she's keeping an eye on things personally.





He'll be disappointed anyhow when it's all boring conversation.

That was my very thought.






I'm impressed that you can keep it all together in your head with such a cast.




Interesting.




Yes, I saw that. I thought I must have just not remembered the story behind that revelation.

Always good to have a spare baby of destiny out there.

I also noted the child reserved for future schemes. Who I'm thinking is another big revelation.







...




It is! On both counts.

Partly due to the fact I've only read parts of the recent UT epic(s) but also because my knowledge of Pardyversian history is spotty at best.

In possibly related ideas: I've always thought that at the very end of the Parodyverse there would only be 2 people around to see the how it all ended. Those two people would be Chad & Ronnie. Not sure what they'd be doing at the end or why they survived. Just that I've always liked the idea of Chad & Ronnie being the last two people around. Little Cat, their hamster, might also be there. He's not a "person" so that works with Chad & Ronnie being the last two people around.

If even had any sort of idea of what exactly was happening going on in this epic I might try a tie-in story but I doubt that'll happen.

This story more than most is really a novel in multiple parts (hence the chapter numbers) so I can understand why you'd be a bit baffled coming in now. I am trying to mkae sure that each section covers at least the minimum information about the who's and what's, but this chapter in particular was hard to do that in. I had to make a choice between readability and recap info-dump.




I see them on those fold-upbeach chairs, possibly with a flask of coffee and some sandwiches.




Noted.

I've had a fair bit of practise. I find it very useful when I'm writing other, "proper" stories that require large-cast shuffling.










You need to go back and look again. I've updated the diagram a little after some corrections from Rhiannon. She also tells me that I may be wrong about Suicide Blonde being dead; she might only have lost her powers. This will require further research.




That's one of the amendments. That child has been revealed - and killed by the Carnifex! And I had completely forgotten about both.







I've just wasted a day reading the damn books now. And I spotted two typos and three formatting errors.

VV does appreciate professionalism.




Vicki's a non-powered female who keeps up with - and field leads - the elite supervillain-for-hire outfit in the Parodyverse, their "Masters of Evil"-style varsity. She has to be smarter, more prepared, tougher, and more dangerous than any of them to survive. That's almost Batman levels of preparedness (and a large range of appropriate gadgetry).

VV is a confident career criminal but she's not averse to talking with someone who approaches her in a decent manner. She's less likely to try her "wiles" on a female superhero than a male one (e.g. Jarvis, CSFB! DBS, Danny Lyle)




VV comes from that long tradition of beautiful "bad girl" criminals with a yearning for the good guy that includes The Spirit's P'Gell, Batman's Catwoman, and Iron Man's original portrayal of the Black Widow. None of them have many close relationships.




Since the time VV became a Purveyor of Peril she's only ever initiated plans against the heroes under contract, not of her own initiative. She'd have to have firm orders to turn on Lara.

One of the reason VV prefers working for the Hood is that he tends not to issue orders that she finds distasteful.

Remember, Lara is young but she's been doing this superhero thing for almost a decade. If there's one thing she learned it's how to be professional about it.





That would also be counter to what Lara is trying to do. She wants VV to feel comfortable around her. And yes, she's aware that it's a tall order, since VV likely hasn't trusted anyone since she can remember, and/or was stabbed in the back for it previously.





One of Lara's best friends back home is a former gangster - one who was never caught or arrested. Part of why she has an affinity for the Psychic Samurai. This friend was the first person to teach her to fight without her powers. It was the friendship with Lara that made that friend leave behind her old dangerous life - but without Lara ever asking her to.

So Lara is no stranger to befriending people on the "other side". She doesn't have that inherent fear most people do toward them.





And she might find it *really* distasteful if she finally has someone to talk to who doesn't judge her, and someone asks her to kill that friend.

That makes it sound a bit like Lara is trying to befriend VV to save herself, but ironically, that wasn't part of the plan at all. She genuinely feels like VV is alone in the world and unhappy, and that everyone deserves a friend.





She might use some of Chiaki's wisdom to answer that one; You can't truly reform anyone, they have to choose it for themselves to fully embrace it.





Of course he would, he has that same gentle approach from what I've seen.





I didn't say there was zero chance; Lara is taking *some* risk. But she's betting that she's right, that VV can use someone to talk to more than she can use yet another dead or captured hero in her wake.

She's also aware that there are others who might not want Lara anywhere near VV, and might try to harm her for it. It's a delicate balance.





Now that might cause some friction; because Lara believes it's worth the risk. Some others in the LL might not believe the same thing.

Yuki would be cautious, but she would still approve Lara's approach. If Lara can make friends with VV, it holds the potential of keeping the entire Lair Legion safer. If she fails, it's just another fight in the history of the LL.





It's all about weighing the risks. Yuki sees a much bigger payoff if this works out. She's had one foot in the criminal underworld long enough to know that most of them are treated like garbage, and are never really all that civil to each other. Maybe VV is at a stage where she wants an introduction. Maybe she wants to be at the next Lair Legion barbecue.

And as I mentioned, she'd believe the risk is minimal, because if it all goes wrong or Lara is falling into a trap...it's would be the first time. If it goes right though, *that* is a big first.





Lara doesn't quite trust Cathode yet, because she sees Cath as being too eager to please her boss. She can spot someone who will bow and break under pressure. Part of why she's reaching out to VV is she sees that VV is someone fiercely independent that doesn't really need the people who hire her.

But, if Cath reaches out to her as a mentor, she's not one to turn her down.





It would indeed be really difficult for Lara to convince VV that it's safe.





Eventually Yuki would stumble upon them...or hear them from several floors away...and tell them both to shut up.





They should, because the entire story they interpret as being kicked out of paradise is actually about humankind leaving ignorance behind and growing into something better. It's a simple and profound lesson.





That would only prompt her to say, "Yep. Definitely compensating." She likes to irritate him, it's funny.

Interesting. I did have a look to see if I could find where she died the other day (not a very hard look though).







Ha! Me too. Which should be no surprise.




Well, that's not a day wasted then is it! I finished it yesterday too. It was a very enjoyable story. George is a fun reluctant hero, almost Conan-eque in a way. That time period is ripe for stories with a fantasy element, I'm surprised we haven't had more of them. You certainly did a great job in researching both his back history, and ancient Cyrene.

Or rather, it all gets overly organized before breaking lose. It was fun seeing the various characters queueing up for the big conflict. That's going to be a hell of a cover shot when they're divided into two matched lines staring each other down. Even George Perez's drawing hand might fall off.

Lots of exposition setting things up, but the mix of personalities on both sides kept it lively. I'm torn between wanting the whole thing avoided altogether and seeing some of the epic final confrontations. On a tangent, the villains may have to learn to share... heroes often have multiple villains, but villains are rarely focused on multiple heroes. Some egos are going to be bruised when they find out they're not really the true nemesis of their hated rival after all.

I knew I'd contrived to get Bry into being the "last inheritor" of their joint power, and I'd de-powered Exile to do it. I'm surprised that I repeated the same trick with Bambi.







I do like to get my back-drop to my satisfaction in my pseudo-historical settings. I had the same trouble with my ROBIN HOOD series (whose protagonist is a bit more light-hearted con-artist than George, with less soldier and more swashbuckle) and my most recent novel, LABOURS OF HERCULES, whose approach to much fighting and all women is pretty direct.

The nearest I've ever got to Conan, though, is my unsubmitted novel THE FALL OF BABEL, a whodunnit set in the actual Biblical tower just before it topples. Drawing on Hebrew myth, the king there - and our investigator - is Nimrod the Hunter, a mighty warrior of great appetites and mighty thews. It's Conan meets Conan Doyle! His assistant for the investigation is a sacrificial virgin. Together they fight crime.

The only reason I haven't put that book out is that I really like it and I'm holding off for a good offer from a publisher who might actually promote it. Coincidentally I may have one, and I have to get the thing sent off by the 23rd of this month.

While you were out of town we took a vote and decided you should draw it instead. But we're not expecting it before the weekend.




My problem is the Hooded Hood. I have a list of ways he could do very minor retcons that would kill each member of the Lair Legion if they ever fought again. It's hard to overcome that, especially given that he doesn't even need to be anywhere near the heroes to trigger them.

For that matter, just starting off a chain of events that awakens Chabba'Dhabba'Dhu under Paradopolis would be a good start. The Hood wouldn't usually do that, because he has no wish to revive the Fairly great old Ones in general, but given an imperative, why not?

Or, to keep it simple, why not just retcon temporary Death's part in the previous three issues? If Tracy wasn't facilitating the shift to comic-book limbo then there's most of the heroes wiped out straight off. He really only needs the time-travellers plus Liu Xi and ManMan to take down Wilbur.

So I need to work out a way for the Hood not to wipe out all the heroes in the first half minute after midnight. And he's just one of the planned-up archvillains who must have anti-League contingencies in a back pocket. There are certainly others.

That would require some background development for Vicki, something I've singularly failed to do since 1999.




VV seems to love being a supervillainess. She knows she's good at it.







She'd do it if her contract required it, but it doesn't mean she'd like it. During the Saving the Future events she tried to kill former teammate Mary Prankstar, for example.










Hatman thinks you can reform someone. It might even be a duty. His work at the Zero Street Mission ball team and with the GMY Care Centre are his ways of trying.







One might argue that without taking the risk, Lara's overtures have no credibility.




The objections might not come from Lara's friends but from VV's colleagues.




Noted.







Silicone Sally will weigh in here when it becomes clear that Beth has created a new henchwoman for herself. Create is the proper term, because as with Sally, the Baroness seems to have included some mental alterations to her test subject, altering Cath's personality somewhat. Sally Rezilyant found herself much more compliant and much less bothered by conscience after she received her powers. Sally is suspicious that Cathode's friendly cheerfulness is another manifestation of similar programming.







Everyone knows the Bean and Donut is neutral ground. Otherwise the waitress stares at you. And not only do lots of superheroes eat there, it is where the Hooded Hood goes for coffee. It is the most stupid place to rob in the entire Parodyverse.

And it's owner lost an arm fighting the Parody Master one-on-one.







Rinse and repeat.







It's all funny until someone loses a brain-body interface.

Back home, Lara wasn't just the muscle behind her super-team, she has a non-super talent for figuring out just what kind of person she's dealing with. It was grown out of her killing her first super-powered encounter, and not wanting her entire career to become a killing spree.





Of course she does. That's why Lara wouldn't attempt to change that perception until VV becomes really dissatisfied with it. As long as she's happy, Lara won't bother her about it, but if she looks for a way out, now she might have a friend to help her.

From Lara's point of view, she doesn't believe that she's *always* doing the right thing. Sometimes she has to do some pretty awful things to prevent bigger awful things. She doesn't believe herself to be better than VV, only following a different path. The attempt at friendship is because she sees that VV walks that path alone.





And that's where Chiaki's warning comes in. Chiaki knows what it's like being asked to do really distasteful things because the boss requests it.

If that did happen, Lara would be disappointed. She'd probably try to offer VV a way to turn the tables on whoever hired her. She might even convince Chiaki to get involved. VV probably knows what the Psychic Samurai is capable of. And it might work simply because Chiaki knows a bad contract when she sees one, and she *will* take it up with whoever made it.





Somewhat related aside:

This is related to the hidden story of how he and Chiaki broke up because they stopped communicating. They're both incredibly stubborn people.

Chiaki has a very mellow attitude toward things like reforming people, and believes it takes a lot of time and patience, and that you have to use a nurturing approach, and allow them to choose. And she's okay with that sometimes it just doesn't work. Hatman would find that way extremely frustrating.

Hatman would think more along the lines of that it won't happen unless you believe it will happen, and unless you get the other person to believe as well. That approach is much more brute force, and has a higher initial success rate just like a salesperson's. But then Chiaki would counter with "buyer's remorse" - unless they fully embrace it, they might revert to their previous behavior.

How that relates to why they broke up is Hatman became impatient and frustrated with her over something, and she eventually stopped telling him things to avoid getting him that way, which made him even more upset. Eventually they just lost the ability to communicate at all.

Of course true to their natures, Chiaki feels it was an unavoidable tragedy, and Hatman blames himself for letting it happen. Which means even their unreconcilable differences are unreconcilable.

Initially, though, they were together because they got a peek at each other's vulnerable sides, and it was a comfort for both of them to be together when no one else really fully understood them.





There's always *some* risk. It doesn't have to be getting killed, it could be simply the risk of being rejected and mocked, or Hatman or Yuki being very upset that she'd reach out to the "other side" like that.





Lara did think about that. She's not particularly worried about the Hooded Hood - not because she feels like she knows him, but because she feels like if he had a grievance he'd take it up with her directly instead of sending a squad of assassins after her.

The others, she's not particularly intimidated by them. But for the interests of keeping the peace, if she's confronted by them she'd try to convince them that she has no intention of harming VV.





That programming might be what Lara sees as "too eager to please her boss" and what makes Cath appear to her to be too fragile.





Lara might convince VV to meet there and get her to try Violet's special cinnamon spice coffee while she talks about what it's like working with all of those minions and henchmen.








He might not do that if he knows that even though she can't talk, she'll be thinking to herself that means that she was right. Also, I believe he finds it more fun listening to what kind of creative insults she can come up with.

I don't really see Chad or Ronnie to be big coffee drinkers. I could see them having sandwiches at the end of the universe.

And don't you think the LL themselves have contingencies and protocols in place against these possibilities?




Or, you need to work out the LL's contingencies against the Hood's plans.

Hatman has it all sorted. I'm sure it involves Mumph, Dancer, Xander/Vinnie, a dash of Happy Place with a sprinkling of Impossibilium.

I wonder what she has been doing all this time? Do you think she married an accountant named Stanley, had a couple more kids, and is living it up in suburbia as a soccer mum, putting all the past behind her?







Sounds interesting. All the best with it, and well done if so.

Yes. And then it becomes a counter-counter-counter-etc. plot. The problem comes when, as he always planned this moment, the Hood is declaring open season on the LL by hundreds of other forces he has prepared for the moment. That can be a bit distracting.

I originally planned the Hood to be powerful enough to threaten the whole team, but not impossible to beat. He's really only gone up against, and lost to, the LL in combat twice, and in each case he was taken down by somebody he'd let close to him (Lisa and Troia). So he's probably steeled himself for round three not to allow sentiment to weaken him.

But on the other hand, the good guys have had some prep time and it wouldn't be a good story of they hadn't got a chance of fighting back. My problem is what that good story should be, to avoid it all just being techno-mumbling and magic-endings and keep it engaging as a narrative.

Just clashing heroes together based on power stats etc. by 'alignment' is the Dreaming Celestian's plot. It wouldn't be a very interesting fight.







It's not as if I haven't set up both. One reason to shy from it is the vast number of footnote links I'd have to edit in to show what was set in place where.




Noted.

Perhaps it's a flask of chicken soup?