Tales of the Parodyverse >> View Post
Post By
Hatman
has inadvertently taken things a little cosmic

Member Since: Thu Jan 01, 1970
Posts: 618
Subj: The Abandoned Legion #4
Posted: Fri Apr 30, 2010 at 12:49:00 am EDT (Viewed 690 times)


    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Big son of a gun, isn’t it?”

    Premiere, or rather, the supervillain Quake disguised as the science hero, looked up at the gigantic robot decimating the Market District. The Obliterator was nearly as tall as the highest skyscrapers in Gothametropolis.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“So where’s Goldeneyed?” asked Sersi. In reality the supposedly brunette Austernal was actually the supervillainess the Suicide Blonde.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“He didn’t respond to the signal,” replied Killer Shrike.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“The four of us will have to do,” said the enigmatic Citizen Z.

    Quake and the Blonde were in on a secret the other two were not; their new field leader was actually the villain Space Warped, disguised as Goldeneyed. But there was an even deeper secret that none of the team were aware of.

    Goldeneyed really was Goldeneyed.

    He had been planted on the team by Hatman, in an attempt to learn the overall plan of the secret leader of the Abandoned Legion, Doorman. Goldeneyed was currently in the land of Faerie with Alcheman, and as such had not received Killer Shrike’s summons.

     “So what’s the plan?” asked Killer Shrike. The Obliterator was currently swatting at police helicopters, but they would not hold its attention for long.

    The faux-Premiere shrugged. “Hit him till he falls.”

    With a mighty leap he launched his offensive, propelling himself into what would be the Obliterator’s face. Quake was one of the most powerful beings on earth; on more than one occasion he had battered Donar himself into a pulp.

    The Obliterator was powerful enough to battle Galactivac to a standstill.

    With a casual energy blast the Obliterator hurled the super-powered gnat that pestered him away. The apparent superhero landed in Goth Haven.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Uh, whose idea was this again?” gulped Shrike.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We must strike from the inside,” reasoned Citizen Z. “I will go.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“More power to you sister,” cracked Bambi Bacall.. “Allow me.”

    She reached out with her power to transmutate matter, trying to open a gap to allow the purple-clad adventurer access to the more vulnerable insides of the robot. The alien material the robot was constructed of resisted.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I can’t force an opening,” she said through gritted teeth.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I don’t care what our orders are, I’m calling in back-up,” said Shrike as the Obliterator smashed one of the hovering helicopters. It crashed into the street below, landing amongst a crowd of curious on-lookers.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Killer Shrike to Hatman!” Simon shouted into his Communicard. “Get your Celine Dion lovin’ ass down here, and bring everyone you can!”

    Hatman’s image blinked into view on Killer Shrike’s communicard. But this was not the Jay Boaz Simon thought he was calling; this was his evil, alternate-reality counterpart, Doorman.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Who do you think you’re giving orders to, huh?” Doorman barked at Killer Shrike. “I’m in no position to provide back-up, you’ll have to handle things yourself.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Like hell we can handle this ourselves! Premiere just got fried, and Sersi can’t even touch him. We don’t have a lot of options here!” Simon dropped his communicard as he rolled out of the way of the massive robot’s foot. The card was crushed by the machine’s tread.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Dammit!” Shrike lashed out in frustration with his electrified talons at the Obliterator’s ankle. The attack bounced off without leaving a scratch.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“The heroes won’t help us, fine. Sersi!” The butcher bird waved to get his teammate’s attention. “I need you to do a pick-up.”

* * * * *


    Doorman tossed the Hatman ballcap aside as Killer Shrike’s transmission was cut. He picked his beer up from where he had set it down and continued to watch the newsfeed. His head was pounding so he had the sound fairly low.

    The Obliterator had been destroyed by the Galactic Nobbler while battling Galactivac. Events had transpired later that saw Galactivac restored to life. Unkown to many, the Obliterator had been returned as well, left drifting in space.

    SPUD had been well aware that the Obliterator was reborn, but lacked the resources to make a move to retrieve the super-weapon. When he had infiltrated the Helicarrier as Hatman*, he had stolen files from the spy organization that revealed the existence of the robot.

    [*During the Moderator Saga]

    It had been a huge stretch of his powers, but Doorman had managed to find a derelict Skree stargate within range of the war machine. The machine lacked power, but his innate abilities allowed him to use it to transport the Obliterator to Earth.

    And if it just so happened to materialize next to Gordon Verge’s offices, well, that was just too bad.

* * * * *


    The phone in Gideon Book’s office rang. The phone rarely did so without his secretary first alerting him over the intercom.

    That meant the call was for the Word.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“The Impossibilitium Tracker worked father. We have the package,” his daughter Pelopia reported.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It is intact?” he checked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes father. CrazySugarFreakBoy!’s arm is ours.”

* * * * *


    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hurry, you must run,” Citizen Z urged the crowd. A gaggle of Chinese tourists stood transfixed watching the engine of destruction destroy the surrounding buildings.

    Citizen Z switched to Chinese to get her point across. The group got the message and scurried away.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I didn’t know you knew Chinese,” remarked Killer Shrike.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You did not ask,” she replied. She looked to the sky where a news helicopter that had ventured too close was swatted from the sky. “We need help.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No @#$*,” responded Shrike curtly. “If the high and mighty Lair Legion would get off their duffs and help out, we might be able to do something here.”

    It was then that Simon spotted a news crew filming the carnage. He assumed it was a live broadcast.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ve got an idea.”

* * * * *


    Boss Deadeyes sat in his office watching the broadcast of events happening in the Market District. The supposed superheroes on hand were frighteningly ineffective, and his city was paying the price.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Harvester,” he called out to his robotic henchman.

    The horticultural horror poked his head into the room. “Yeah boss?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Go take care a’ this guy mucking up my city, won’t ya?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m on it.”

* * * * *


    Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is Killer Shrike of the Abandoned Legion, calling for any and all available superheroes to get their !@#%in’ asses down here right !$%#!^ now!” The butcher bird had commandeered the broadcast to send out a plea for help.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Now get the hell outta here, alright?” he commanded the news crew.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sersi’s back,” pointed out Citizen Z. She was carrying a large armored figure with her. “Is this really a good idea?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“If you have a better one, I’m all ears. For now, he’s part of the plan.”

    Ã¢â‚¬ËœSersi’ dropped the indestructible Anvil Man on the Obliterator’s head.

* * * * *


"This is Tyanna Wain, on scene as the destruction continues in Gothametropolis York. We have had direct contact with the apparent leader of a new superteam, the Abandoned Legion, who are even now trying to halt the rampage of the giant Obliterator robot.

"While it is unconfirmed thus far, we can only assume that this Abandoned Legion has ties to the Parodiopolis-based superteam, the Lair Legion. The parent team is still reportedly dealing with a hostage situation and are unavailable to aid the Abandoned Legion in their efforts to halt the carnage here in downtown GMY.

"If the Legion is unable to stop this menace, what hope do we have?"

* * * * *


    For the first time since it began it’s rampage the Obliterator was given pause. Anvil Man was strong enough to give Quake a run for his money, and he had penetrated the robots guard thanks to Sersi. He hammered his armored fists into the metal skull of the robot as he used his ability to create explosions to attack the robot from within.

    The Suicide Blonde joined the attack, transmuting the pavement beneath the Obliterator’s feet into deep pits of tar, retarding its progress. Killer Shrike and Citizen Z had taken to the rooftops, looking for any opening to attack the robot.

    Citizen Z’s keen eyesight saw an object traveling at great speed towards the robot in a large arc. “What is that? Is it a bird? A plane?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It looks really pissed off to me,” said Shrike as he recognized the bloodied Premiere, returning to the battle.

    As Anvil Man continued to pound on the robot’s head, Quake turned his attention to the shoulder joint of the robot. Both of the tiny attackers were out of reach of the automaton, as its arms simply did not bend enough to reach them.

     The Obliterator switched tactics and generated an electric field around its body to try repel the attackers. Anvil Man was caught by surprise and was hurled over 20 stories to the ground. Quake’s flesh sizzled but he refused to be moved.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“This isn’t working,” said Citizen Z as she watched helplessly as the Obliterator finally managed to scrape Quake off against a building.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No @#$@,” growled Killer Shrike.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You got that right,” said a know-it-all voice from above them.

    A slight teenager hovered above the pair on a floating Segway. He held a datapad in his hand and wore a pair of silver sunglasses.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Zelnitz? Is that you?” asked the butcher bird.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“My boss sent me,” replied Hacker Nine, herald of Galactivac. “So we better clean this up fast before he gets here.”

To be continued…