Tales of the Parodyverse >> View Post
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Post By
HH shudders
In Reply To
killer shrike

Subj: Must I?
Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 at 07:46:58 pm EDT
Reply Subj: Wait until you see him in Grandma's nightclothes
Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 at 07:37:19 pm EDT


> > >
Kambyon the Kruel #4 “The Wolf at the Door”

> > >
> > > “What do you mean, ‘the library is closed?’” Kambyon asked the robed alien he had hauled by its dewlap up to eye level.
> > >
> > > “Ack! Please, sir, have mercy! All branches of the Intergalactic Order of Librarians have been temporarily shut down until further notice!”
> > >
> > > “For what reason?”
> > >
> > > “I’m not at liberty to- Auuuggghhh!- the IOL is currently in negotiations with an outside party to recover its archives!”
> > >
> > > The monster’s eyes narrowed. The Library’s nanotech defense system had already put him in a foul mood, now he was being told that his trip here had been a waste of time, “Who is this outside party?”
> > >
> > > Moments later Kambyon rejoined Captain Shel-Drar and his crew aboard their ship awaiting in the Library’s dry dock, “Earth,” he bluntly told the Skree trader, “Take me there.”
> > >
> > >
*****

> > >
> > > The proximity sensor to Shel- Drar’s quarters pinged, acknowledging that someone was requesting entrance.
> > >
> > > “Come in,” he said, after reattaching the prosthetic leg he had removed for comfort’s sake.
> > >
> > > Ship Astrogator Nai-Qil entered and saluted, “Sir, coordinates to the Sol System have been plotted and engaged, sir.”
> > >
> > > “Good,” Shel-Drar nodded and sat back down. He returned to working on his scale model of the Skree Destroyer Normegatto, “Of course, you could have told me that over the comm. Something on your mind, Lieutenant?”
> > >
> > > “Permission to speak freely, sir?”
> > >
> > > “Of course.”
> > >
> > > The young officer shifted, “With all due respect sir, I do not understand why we continue transporting this Kambyon creature wherever he wishes.”
> > >
> > > “He’s paying his way,” Shel-Drar noted as he soldered another blaster turret to the Normegatto’s hull.
> > >
> > > Nai-Qil thought back to the spectacle of their new passenger taking spent dark matter cells between his hands and pressing with such force he transformed the useless energy source into valuable gemstones, “Yes, but by helping him we are no doubt angering the Apocalyspians. And if we bring him to Earth we will possibly come into conflict with the Terrans as well.”
> > >
> > > “We were already risking the wrath of Thugos by smuggling goods onto his planet. As for the Terrans, it is my deepest hope that there is conflict.
> > >
> > > “Their designated champions, the Lair Legion, are the sworn enemy of the Skree. They humiliated us in the Transworld Challenge. They broke our alliance with the Parody Master. And worst of all, one of their kind is responsible for the destruction of our home world,” Shel-Drar put down his work and turned his attention back to his subordinate, “Kambyon is hunting for something, something apparently the Order of Librarians possess. Only he now knows what I have known all along, that the Order’s entire catalogue is in the hands of a rogue Librarian who also happens to be a member of that accursed Legion. Do you understand now, Lieutenant, why we are bringing Kambyon to Earth?”
> > >
> > > “Yes, sir.”
> > >
> > > Shel-Drar rose and gripped his fellow Skree by the shoulders, “The souls of billions cry out for justice, Nai-Qil. And it is our duty to see that their will is done.”
> > >
> > >
*****

> > >
> > > “More tea?” Bettie Barrie asked the young brunette sitting in the beach chair beside her.
> > >
> > > Marie Mucheson smiled, “Yes, please. That would be lovely.”
> > >
> > > Bettie took her companion’s cup and saucer and leaned over to the small stool where the kettle rested, “Simply amazing, is it not? That the water is still hot enough to steam even though we have been out here over an hour?”
> > >
> > > “Yes. Mister Flapjack calls it a ‘Thermos’. He says it can keep drinks ice cold as well. I wonder how it knows?”
> > >
> > > “It’s probably some form of thermal insulation, I would guess,” Bettie gave the drink to Marie and settled back. She gazed out over the Atlantic Ocean as the sun set behind them, letting her mind drift back to a time before thermoses and collapsible aluminum recliners, to a time of pirates and Indians and silly young men who needed looking after, one perhaps more than the others….
> > >
> > > A burst of green energy brought Bettie out of her reverie, “I need you both to return to the mansion quickly! Leave everything!” Hallie said once her form coalesced from the hard light pixels.
> > >
> > > “What’s wrong?” Marie asked as both she and Bettie jumped to their feet.
> > >
> > > “Something’s falling from orbit and it could land here,” the holographic woman answered, “Now please, go!”
> > >
> > > Hallie used her link to the mansion’s security system to check up on the approaching object. The sensors indicated it was flying a guided path and not in free fall, and was apparently organic. It quickly became visible to the naked eye as it came down through the clouds overhead, coming down fast with no sign of slowing.
> > >
> > > “All right, Al, let’s see if your force shield can handle what’s coming,” she muttered to herself, activating the island’s defenses.
> > >
> > > Kambyon hit the barrier at a speed approaching Mach One. The impact was enough to disintegrate the Aero Disk he had been using to control his planetfall and send him ricocheting off into Parodopolis Bay. He splashed down on the side of the island facing the ocean, not far from where Hallie and the others were.
> > >
> > > “What was that?” Marie wondered, turning back from edge of the beach to look into the water.
> > >
> > > “Get back to the mansion!” Hallie shouted, her body seeming to sputter as the island’s power grid struggled stay online. Whatever collided with the shield came close to blowing every circuit the mansion had.
> > >
> > > Kambyon rose from the water and roared. He surged forward and hammered his fist against the force field.
> > >
> > > The field dropped. Every light on the island went out. Including Hallie.
> > >
> > > “Hallie!” Bettie stopped running when she saw the digital woman vanish, only to start again when the giant lope out of the water and towards her and Marie. He was not especially fast, but each one of his strides covered the same distance as three of theirs, and he was quickly upon them.
> > >
> > > “Aha!” Kambyon barked triumphantly as he caught both women by the hair, “I have you, silly mortals. Now, where is the Librarian? Tell me quickly, for I have come a long way and have no use for games.”
> > >
> > > “He’s, he’s not here! None of the Legion are!” Marie said frantically.
> > >
> > > Kambyon grinned, “So you are not part of this ‘Lair Legion’, then? Of course not. Then what are you? Servants? Concubines?”
> > >
> > > Marie’s face grew even more flush at the questioning, “We are nothing of the sort!”
> > >
> > > “Oh?” Kambyon released Bettie so as to wrap his hand around the younger woman’s waist. He raised her off her feet and mashed her body against his, “Tell me what you are.”
> > >
> > > “Let go of meeEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!”
> > >
> > > Marie felt the scream begin deep in the pit of her stomach and rise up when she brought face to face with the terrible brute. It tore through her and hit Kambyon like a runaway train, sending him sprawling backwards to the beach.
> > >
> > > “My word! What was that?” the pale ingénue clutched at her throat, confused.
> > >
> > > “I have no idea, but try to do it again!” Bettie pointed at Kambyon, who was slowly clambering to his feet.
> > >
> > > Marie wailed a second time, knocking the giant even further back.
> > >
> > > “Gr,” From his knees Kambyon swung both arms back, then brought them forward causing his palms to slam together. The resultant shockwave took down Marie before she could draw another breath, and Bettie as well.
> > >
> > > Kambyon grunted and shook the sand from his mane. He tugged at his ear to see if it would stop the ringing, but with no luck. It was because of this affliction the exile of Apocalyspe failed to hear the approach of the Mansion’s next line of defense.
> > >
> > > “Aw reit lads, burst thes beest wi' everythin' ye hae!” Sergeant Angus MacHarridan ordered his fellow Detonator Hippos as they stormed the beach.
> > >
> > > “What is-Argh!” Kambyon was knocked off his feet again, this time by the Tartan clad warriors spontaneously combusting into powerful explosions.
> > >
> > > “Gie th' kimmers tae safety. Ah want thes area clear sae we can lat at wi' foo force!” The Legion’s Chief of Security commanded a pair of his countrybeasts he had held in reserve to gather up Bettie and Marie.
> > >
> > > “Stupid- oof- animals! I will crack open your skulls and bathe in your brains!” Kambyon railed as the hippos continued to explode, reform, and explode again.
> > >
> > > Angus sneered, “Yuir quite th' poit, arenae ye, maister? tay bad bonnie words willnae be enaw tae gonnae-no me an' mah men!”
> > >
> > > Kambyon did not reply. He was saving his breath until all the creatures were upon him, detonating in unison and reducing their forms to so many free floating atoms. Then he inhaled deeply, then swallowed.
> > >
> > > He waited several moments. When the attackers did not reappear Kambyon was satisfied he had them right where he wanted them and began to walk towards the mansion.
> > >
> > >
*****

> > >
> > > Hallie had managed to reboot herself once the Mansion’s backup generators went online. After a quick check on Maggie and Griff (still safe at the lighthouse) she turned her concentration to the status of the intruder.
> > >
> > > The intruder was on the front steps of the mansion.
> > >
> > > Hallie said a bad word and activated the stunnulators.
> > >
> > > Kambyon growled as the gun barrels popped out of the building’s woodwork and began firing. He tore away at the walls and foundation until they stopped. Then he tore the front door free from its hinges and entered.
> > >
> > > “This is for putting your paws on Marie!!” Flapjack was waiting inside. Armed with a Blott Industries Multi-Warhead Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher, he fired a missile at Kambyon’s skull.
> > >
> > > The looming giant swatted the projectile away. It pinwheeled into the wall and exploded. The concussive force did nothing to Kambyon, but it was enough to stun the mansion’s butler.
> > >
> > > When Hallie saw the attacker preparing to stomp on Flapjack with one of his massive hooves, she decided she had to take a more direct approach, “Back off!” she shouted as she materialized between Kambyon and his victim. She reached into the exposed wiring of the mansion and drained the generators of all its power, then sent that electricity into Kambyon.
> > >
> > > The giant staggered back, but quickly recovered. He then smiled.
> > >
> > > “That is not going to stop me. Nothing you can do will stop me.”
> > >
> > > “Don’t be too sure about that, buster.”
> > >
> > > “Where is the Lair Legion?”
> > >
> > > “On their way,” Hallie lied. Where the team was currently communication was next to impossible.
> > >
> > > “Good. Listen to me now, little hologram. You and the other minions have failed. It is nothing to feel shame over…. well, except those skirt-wearing horse men; they disgrace themselves by merely exisiting. But you fell before the might of a superior opponent, one who can choose to be merciful if his conditions are met.”
> > >
> > > Hallie eyed Kambyon suspiciously, “What conditions?”
> > >
> > > “The first has already been met. By informing me of the imminent arrival of your masters I can now wait without concern that my journey here has been in vain. Second, you must stand down, and not interfere as I prepare myself for the battle to come,” Kambyon replied, “I would rather not kill prisoners, if it can be avoided.”
> > >
> > > “I think we can agree to your terms… what is your name? During all your rampaging you neglected to share it.”
> > >
> > > “Kambyon the Kruel.”
> > >
> > > Hallie scanned her files to see what information the Legion had on the giant, but came up empty, “All right then, Kambyon, I think we can agree to those terms.”
> > >
> > > “Good,” the monster nodded. He then cocked his head to something very far away, “It would appear others may need convincing. I hear vehicles approaching. Petroleum powered. Armored and treaded.”
> > >
> > > “That’s probably the Army. I’m sure they’re not too keen on you invading the planet like you have. Give me a moment and I can them to stand down as well.”
> > >
> > > “No need,” Kambyon said good-naturedly, “I hear something else that should serve as a suitable deterrent for any more senseless heroics.”
> > >
> > > Hallie was about to ask what, but then she heard it too, and then remembered there was one other person in the mansion. And that was then she realized how much trouble they were in.
> > >
> > >
*****

> > >
> > > Kambyon strode towards the bridge that connected Lair Island to the city of Paradopolis. On the other side of the long causeway waited a column of tanks, and behind them several personnel carriers filled with soldiers. Military helicopters circled the sound, training their cameras and weapons towards the island.
> > >
> > > The pilots watched as the hirsute giant grabbed hold of the end of the bridge and lifted, tearing the structure from its moorings. With a flex of its wrists he snapped the causeway entirely free from its base and let it sink under the waves.
> > >
> > > “Mortals, I, Kambyon, have laid siege to the fortress of your champions. Now I claim it as my own, and will continue to hold it until they return and give me what I demand! If you choose to get in the way, or if your masters do not appear within one of your planet’s rotations-“ the last son of Dark Thugos paused dramatically to unsling the papoose from his broad shoulders and display the sleeping form of Iris Paintbrush Sunrise, “I WILL EAT THIS BABY!”
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Next: Kambyon has laid claim to Lair Island, and vows to commit an unspeakable act unless the Legion gives him what he wants. But with the Parodyverse’s Mightiest Heroes nowhere to be found, can one young hero brave the creature’s den and save the day? And who, or what, is IAGO? “God of Monsters”, out sometime.
> > >
> > > Footnotes:
> > >
> > > The Intergalactic Order of Librarians is just what their name implies. Like most huge bureaucracies, there are examples of incompetence and corruption within it. One of the members of the Lair Legion, Lee Bookman, is part of the IOL, running Earth’s branch of he library, which is located on the Moon.
> > >
> > > The Skree Empire is a fallen intergalactic militaristic race, formerly led by the fascist Dronon, the Public Accoster, wielder of the Rod of Authority and his fiancée Prime Mistress Oma . They were previously controlled by The Supreme Interference (q.v), a manipulative supercomputer amalgam of the brain patterns of long-dead Skree. Our heroes have also been troubled by Commander Rox-Hoff of the Fifth Skree Armada. The Skree are ancestral enemies of the shape-shifting Skunks. Their home world, Skree-Lump, was devoured by the Cosmic Hooverer Galactivac some years ago after being accidentally summoned by its erstwhile herald, the Probability Dancer. The Skree have also been on the losing ends of conflicts with the Earth people in the TransWorld Challenge and the Parody War, so the two races aren’t exactly chummy, which explains why Shel-Drar was so eager to send Kambyon there.
> > >
> > > Flapjack (Yeoville Simonise Edric Flapjack) is the Lair Mansion's butler, a misshapen and disgusting hunchback formerly in the service of the Hooded Hood and virtually every other master-criminal. His hobbies include lurching, groveling, sniffing underwear and trying to photograph superheroines showering.
> > >
> > > Hallie is an artificial intelligence (a heuristic Artificial Life Learning Intelligence Entity) originally created by Dr Ernst Vishnar at the behest of Baron Zemo (q.v) from the engrams of dead computer scientist Helen MacAllistair. She later relocated to LL headquarters where she acts as their occasional resident computer. Using the notorious Movie Gun, she can pass objects and people back and forth between the Parodyverse and the Virtual world. She has recently developed Holographic Emitter Drones that allow her to travel and project hard-light holograms. Hallie plays a significant part in running the day to day operations of the Lair Legion. She has two children, Magweed and Griffin, who live in a dimension hopping lighthouse that can usually be found on Lair Island.
> > >
> > > Marie Murcheson was a banshee who haunted the Lair Mansion. She would wail when a member of the Lair Legion family died, and could use her scream to defend her home against intruders. Recently due to events of the Parody War Marie has been restored to life, albeit as a young woman with no recollection of the time that has passed since her death in the mid nineteenth century. It has also been revealed that she has only a year left to live.
> > > The Detonator Hippos are belligerent genetically-engineered life forms with the ability to explode ands reform at will. They have old ties to Sir Mumphrey Wilton (q.v). Several of these Highland Hippopotami serve as security for the Lair Mansion, and are led by Sergeant Argus MacHarridan.
> > >
> > > Elizabeth “Bettie” Barrie was a companion of one of the older incarnations of Champions of Chaos, recently returned from the Realm of Faerie to renew her relationship with the current Champion, CrazySugarFreakBoy!. Like Marie, her recollections of Earth come from a more Victorian time, though she seems to be adapting to the changes a bit better than the younger woman.
> > >
> > > Iris Paintbrush Sunrise is the infant daughter of CrazySugarFreakBoy! and Pelopia of the Order of the Word. She probably tastes delicious.
> > >
> > >
> > >





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