Cold Caller: Hello, there. Can I speak to a Mr Shoggoth?
The Manga Shoggoth: It’s possible so long as you’ve evolved lungs and a vocal chord. You can check easily enough if there’s a cultist dagger and a mirror handy.
Cold Caller: Um, yes. Mr Shoggoth, my name is Mandy. Our records indicate that you or someone in your household may have had an accident at work.
The Shoggoth: That was no accident. It was deliberate tampering of the timespace continuum by Nyalurkhotep the Creeping Chaos. Don’t tell me those non-Euclidean dimensions just got piled there by chance. But I’m not to blame. Especially for the thing with the nuns.
Mandy: Er… okay. Well, Mr Shoggoth, you may be able to claim compensation.
The Shoggoth: That’s what I told Ebony, my priestess. I said I should ravage across the Wastes of Lung and the High Places, old-school, like back in the Rebellion against the Fairly Great Old Ones. She said I couldn’t as I was due in human court over that incident when I decided to take driving lessons and afterwards I had to classify my Naruto collection.
Mandy: Some clients have won awards up to three thousand…
The Shoggoth: I mean, tampering with what you humans think is timespace? That’s not big and its not clever. Even you mortals do it all the time. Think of a number, Mandy.
Mandy: Seven?
The Shoggoth: Wrong. Now you’ve just altered timespace.
Mandy: Um, did I? [Desperately checks script] I, er, can refer you to no-win no-fee representation.
The Shoggoth: Why wouldn’t I want to win? What game is it, anyway? How about Yu-Gi-Oh? Or Pokémon? They taste lovely.
Mandy: Sir, I’m saying that if you have a grievance…
The Shoggoth: Well, they cancelled Hikaru No Go. And they didn’t cancel Dragonball GT. And don’t get me started about Tenchi Muyo! GXP.
Mandy: …..
The Shoggoth: And then there’s all those fiddly rules you humans insist on about cause and effect, and linear time. And how many limbs you prefer to keep and things like that. It’s not only very confusing its quite annoying. Just try convincing some traffic warden that’s ticketing your Lairjet that he’s just as well off with six arms as four and see how it goes. And then Hatman makes you take quiet time in your bucket.
Mandy: Is the lady of the house at home, maybe?
The Shoggoth: You mean Marie Murcheson the Lair Banshee? Or Hallie the computer sentience? Or do you mean Lisa? Although Citizen Z says she’s no lady.
Mandy: I’m just saying, if you’ve had a problem at work, we can help.
The Shoggoth: Wonderful. Hold onto your phone line. I’m sending a Doom Hamster down the wire. It’s been tickling like mad ever since I swallowed it. And I think I could probably regurgitate some Hero Feeder if it helps.
Mandy: Urm… [Hangs up quickly]
The Shoggoth, behind her: Also, I would like reparations from the Fairly Great Old Ones for a pre-eternity of slavery. Why are you screaming and cowering under your desk? Never mind. I’ll ask your supervisor.
[Later, when the call centre is Shoggoth-free and Mandy is coerced back to her desk]
Mandy: Hello there. Can I speak to a Mister Winkelweald?
***
Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2013 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2013 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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 A Really Cold Call · The Hooded Hood offers something for those who have had a bad day. It's not as bad as some people's. · Thu Apr 18, 2013 at 10:27:08 am EDT
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